lifegoeson

im in a relationship with a addict. we have a 7 months old child together. i knew he was using and did nothing about it, until he came to me and said he had a problem. he is now two weeks clean. this is very hard for me to understand all of this at once. i went to a naranon meeting and it says i have to just let him be kinda thing. And kinda shut my mouth and not start a fight about things. How can i be in a relationship with someone when i cant really say how this is taking a toll on our relationship and our lives. I get very angry that he doesnt care about my feelings, not only about the addiction, just about our life in general. Can anyone please help me understand how are relationship can work with a addcit or something?

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.......this is a difficult path but you've found a place of great support.

Naranon (and Alanon) suggests that you "keep coming back". Quite honestly, it all sounded like a lot of jibberish to me at first. My mind was so muddled from the confusion of dealing with addiction. And I was sick from the fallout of loving an addict. Very sick. Addiction does that to families.

It took a lot of meetings and a lot of reading before I started to "get it" at all. The program suggests that we approach things differently than our instincts direct us. It suggests that we often keep doing the same thing over and over and over again, expecting a different result. And we get angry when it doesn't work.

When we stop focusing on how to change the addict and we start focusing on how to help ourselves, change what we are doing, and focus on our own behaviors......things will change. It doesn't mean that the addict will get clean. But it CAN make our lives more manageable and serene.

Keep coming back.......

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

You can accept him as is or not. It's that tween place that's pure hell-o.

Is he making a financial contribution to his child?

nerdygirl

First, addicts don't understand what they are doing so he certainly can't explain it to you. And, because you aren't an addict, you'll never understand it. Yes, it seems so foreign to go against everything you ever knew about relationships: don't get angry, don't react, detach yourself from his problems and the consequences, let him be himself, don't try to control him etc. You want to yell and scream at him. You want to tell him how he's damaged the family by being a selfish a$$hole. But, it won't matter what you say. He's an addict and he's newly clean. The truth is, he doesn't care about you or your baby. He can't. He's an addict. All they care about is feeding their addiction. Now that he is clean, it's going to take a while for him to get himself figured out. Don't pester him with questions about your relationship and don't expect too much from him right now. He can only handle the basics: work, food, sleep. He just doesn't have anything to give you right now. So, you need to take care of YOU and your baby. No need to worry about him. He's going to do whatever it is he's going to do - whether that's stay clean or relapse. All his choices. You focus on taking care of yourself and your baby.

lifegoeson

thank you for all the advice. he hasn't worked in awhile so no he doesnt finacially support our daughter. yes we are living together. his drug of choice was pain killers thats the only thing i know of. Support system no.. i really have no friends and my family they just get disgusted of him sitting on his butt all day while they support us. i try to tell my family just to leave it alone and say he is going through alot but.. im understand that i cant stop them from saying what they have to say to him even if he does leave us... i think i read it in the naranon book about something like that.. im not to sure. Thank you so much for helping me it really means alot that im not the only one that is going through this or has gone through it..

Freedom1990

No you are not the only one, hon.

We've all been there.

The addict in my life is my 33-year-old daughter, and believe me, it took a long time for me to make the changes necessary to ensure my own sanity.

Please do keep attending Naranon, and eventually things will start to make sense.

I know for me, I can't take a front row seat to anyone's addiction, including my daughter.

Sending you hugs of support!