artist83

I was wondering if anyone has any insight on how to deal with someone who is detoxing? My boyfriend began detoxing from OxyContin yesterday, and I am already having difficulty coping with it. Over the past week, he hasn't been taking nearly as much as he was before, and he's also stopped injecting it(thank heaven for that), but yesterday evening he completely stopped taking the pills.

He's been different lately - quiet, seems depressed, pulling away from me emotionally - and although it bothers me, I've been able to handle it surprisingly well. But I'm very worried about what will happen over the next week or so. I know that the physical withdrawal symptoms are going to be pretty bad, and honestly, I'm terrified of having to see him go through it. We live together, so it's not like I can just stay away from him while he's detoxing. Sure I can go into another part of our house, but I'll still know he's in the other room, in emotional and physical pain.

I guess my codependency is kicking in because I feel like I have to help him through this. I feel like if I detach, just walk away from it, then I am abandoning him.

Has anyone gone through this? Had to witness your significant other detoxing in your home? How did you cope with it?

I'm trying to take care of myself, detach, let it go and give it to my HP, but this is by far the hardest thing I have had to deal with since I finally stopped denying that he had a major problem. I'm doing the best that I can, but my anxiety is through the roof right now - I don't want to start taking steps backwards after I have come this far.

EJG123

Detox is just a few days. If I were you, I'd get out for fresh air and space as much as possible because it's hard to watch and you can't really help. Depression will come with post acute withdrawal.

artist83

I've told him this, and you think he would listen since he witnessed me going through heart failure and nearly die last year (viral cardiomyopathy). But he refuses to even go to outpatient detox because he is afraid that my father will dislike him, lose respect for him, if he knows about his addiction. If he only knew that my father already knows (he doesn't know all of the dirty details, but he knows enough) and told me on Saturday that he would support him while he went to an outpatient rehab facility.

I have been keeping this from my parents for months now, and it has been eating at me. My parents and I have always been very close, but we are even closer now since my heart failure. I see them every day - my mom is my best friend, and I'm "Daddy's little girl". I respect my father more than I can express with words, and he is the one person I know that I can always go to for guidance. I felt like I had betrayed my bf by telling him, but I also felt like I was betraying my dad because I was hiding this from him. He knew something was wrong with me, that I hadn't been the same lately. He could tell that I was going through something very difficult and had a very good idea of what it was (he's the most perceptive person I know), but he didn't want to interfere with my relationship by telling me that he already knew about my bf's addiction. I felt so much better after we talked on Saturday - I don't feel like I have to suppress my feelings around my parents anymore, and that has given me some peace.

Anyway, my bf still doesn't know that my parents are aware of his addiction, so he won't go to a treatment facility. And I am not going to tell him that they know because I don't want him to feel like I betrayed his trust. Maybe if the withdrawal symptoms get bad enough, he will make the decision to tell my dad. He works for him, so he'll eventually have to face his fear since the symptoms will be getting worse and worse each day. He can try to convince himself that my dad won't notice, but I know that won't happen. I just don't want this to ruin their relationship. It's a complicated situation since my bf works for my dad, and that is making it all the more difficult on me.

But I am definitely considering your advice about staying away from him and not helping. I have a few friends that wouldn't mind letting me use their couches for a few days. I think I'm going to pack a bag of clothes just in case I need to get out of the house.

cc88

I know this isnt really what you were asking but dont you think itl have less of an impact if he never has to face the consequence of manning up to your parents? isnt that also part of the lesson, humbling yourself before the people who are in his life?

"If you make it easy on him by rubbing his aching muscles, keeping him warm, keeping him cool, holding his head while he wretches, or wiping his butt from the chronic diarrhea…you are taking away a very valuable lesson."


^i feel like letting him think his "secret" is safe falls among that list of things to make detox easier on him^

just a thought. I know its a delicate situation and I might not feel the same if I were in your shoes. I hope you dont have to watch that its tough to see. Been through it myself. hugs

Kindeyes

My son has tried to detox at my house several times (he is a meth addict). The last time he attempted to do this, I wound up calling the police because he went ballistic and scared the living bajeebers out of me when I asked him to leave or allow me to take him to a detox.

I cannot (and am not qualified) to detox anyone. It brings out the worst of codependency in me. It is not good for my son and it is certainly not good for me.

Hope it goes ok.

gentle hugs
ke

JMFburns

If he can manage he could go to NA or AA. Get out of the self centered detox and be alive.

If you can manage you could go to NarAnon or AlAnoon. Take the focus off of the addict and put it on yourself. You are the only one you can take care of.

artist83

cc88 - I agree, I need to stop covering up for him and he needs to "man up" to my parents and tell them what is going on. I just couldn't keep giving them the run-around - I have a heart condition and they check in on me daily because that's what parents do, and I am grateful that they continue to support me throughout my recovery. So when I'm not feeling so well or something is bothering me, they notice. My emotions have been all over the place for the past few months, and I know that my parents were worried about me, and I hated putting them through that. So I finally made the decision to tell them what was happening, and it gave us all some peace. I just wish he could get over his fear of disappointing them and just come clean so that he can have some peace as well.

Kindeyes - I know seeing him detox will not be good for me, so as soon as it gets to the point where it is causing me anxiety or pain, I'm getting my little booty out of there.

JMFburns - I go to open NA meetings once a week and attend Al-anon meetings online on a daily basis, and I have offered for him to come with me to a meeting several times. But I am not pushing him into going and if he doesn't come with me, I'm not allowing myself to get upset over it. I am going to meetings for MYSELF, not for him, and I've made that clear to him. If he wants to go to his own meeting, then good for him. if he wants to come with me, than that is fine as well. But I'm not going to stop going because he reluctant to try something new.

BeingStill

My son attempted to detox once in my home. It was like watching him die. I had to barricade myself in my room just to get far enough away to try to block out the noise... His stepfather watched him for signs of danger. I couldn't be near him because it was beyond painful for me to watch... and hear. Never again will I allow anyone to use my home as a detox center.

artist83

So far so good, but he has some suboxone strips, but only enough to last a few days. Hopefully that will help him with the physical withdrawals. At this point, I am taking it one hour at a time.

outtolunch

My daughter detoxed at home, once. I refused to play nursemaid. Once the worst of the physical symptoms had passed, she went out the door and got right back in the game, again.

I will not allow my home to be used as a detox center, again.

I cannot imagine imposing that sort of thing on another person, let alone someone who has their own health problems. No reason BF can't go elsewhere and claim to be visiting a sick uncle, if he's not into the truth.

The Salvation Army has a detox program. Might be a good experience for the BF to grasp where his choices have landed him, before it gets worse ala a jail cell.

outtolunch

He's going to have to jump off the subs too once his supply runs out.
Has he considered a medically supervised sub program instead of buying whatever, off the street? There are all sorts of things that can help him through the worst of it. He just has to lay down his ego, get out of the house and seek medical help.

artist83

Of course I researched different types of programs in our area, and there is an outpatient detox facility only a few miles from our home. I gave him the information and said my peace, but I can't force him to go. If he would go to this particular facility, he would only have to miss one hour of work a day and then attend group and individual therapy for two hours in the evening, three times per week, then follow up group and individual therapy after he has completely detoxed.

I don't know what he is so afraid of??? Having to tell my parents about his addiction? They already know! (as my dad said on Saturday, "I didn't just fall off of the turnip truck.", lol) If he is man enough to stick a needle in his vein, then he should be man enough to get SOME sort of professional help.

But again, I have suggested this to him, given him information on several outpatient facilities (because there is no way he will go to inpatient again) in our area, even gave him information on some very good psychologists who specialize in substance abuse and addictive disorders. He has medical insurance, so that will help out with whatever type of facility he chooses to go to, that's IF he ever chooses to seek professional help.

He has to make his own choices, but I have to make mine as well, and I have decided that I will not sit here and watch him detoxing. I am already in a somewhat fragile state, and seeing him in such intense pain might just send me over the edge. I don't want to lose the progress I have made because he is too afraid to get the help he needs.

nerdygirl

I watched my RAH detox twice. He detoxed at home - cold turkey. Surprisingly, he told me calmly there was nothing I could do other than just let him get through it. He was using xanax to calm himself down. I'm not saying that was good or bad, I'm just stating what he did. He slept a lot. Sweats then the chills, racing thoughts, restless legs etc. After a few days, he couldn't sleep at all. Then he had all of this phantom pain. OXY lies. He was physically fine after 5-7 days. It was the psychological dependency that he will deal with every day for the rest of his life... It was definitely hard to watch. I knew I was helpless and honestly, I WANTED him to go through a bunch of hurdles to get clean. He still talks about the first time he quit and how bad the withdrawls were. That's good. He needs a constant reminder of how bad it was. Now, I have boundaries and he knows I have no choice. I will not live with an active addict. PERIOD. Does take the pressure off of me. He knows the consequences and he knows I've got an exit strategy. I don't hold it over his head or threaten him with it. No need to. It's very clear and concise.

outtolunch

Well of course you did. That's what we codependents do. We do for another what the other can and should be doing for themselves.

Here's another alternative to consider, just for now. Go home to your parents and let him work his way through the detox and come what may. Remember, you have to put on your oxygen mask before you tend to the child. Take care of yourself.

Chino

artist, I used to make all the phone calls for my daughter, but the last time my daughter relapsed she did all the leg work on her own. I didn't even know she had relapsed until she told me on her way out the door to see her addictionologist. I was told by rehab and my therapist that they have to 100% own their disease if they're going to have any shot at recovery. Interestingly enough, it's been the longest amount of time for her on the recovery wagon. Looks like they knew what they were talking about.

artist83

He's at work today, and I'm off on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, so I have a good amount of time to myself, away from him. I'm just focusing on getting my new living room decorated, finishing a few paintings, and things like that. When I'm in "art mode" it takes my mind off of him and his addiction, so I may paint every canvas, piece of wood, and ceramic tile in the house, lol.