Once bitten.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Once bitten.
I guess it is finally over between the RABF and I in any shape or form from where I sit. He has shut the door on me and is still in rehab for another month. I tried to talk to him just as a friend, said 'hi' online and he shut me down in a rather rude and mean way. Told me to leave him alone.
That is part of who he is sober perhaps, a part I didn't see until now.
I am so sad. I stood back to give him room, maybe not enough. It was all about him I got so little back. I see that now.
No amends yet either. How can someone who says they love you do this? Say they care but treat you like a stranger? I thought at least a friend.
But this feeling that he wants me to go away... like forever? It hurts a lot. Maybe I pushed too hard. I am blaming myself now. Big time.
These are just big feelings I am having. I was hoping to have some type of friendship but it doesn't work that way. We were friends years ago so it isn't like we just met at some club one night.
I was never 'no contact' because I know how hard that is for me. I left him alone but wasn't perfect. It was tough for me and he acknowledged that a month ago. So on a whim tried to say hi. Now it is no contact because I don't want my head bitten off. OUCH
This hurts. Ok the romance stuff was done a while back but I didn't think he'd push me completely away.. even as a friend? Will the friendship ever come back? That is what we were first. I still care about him but know his capacity is non existant. Is being moody normal for him still?
Kind words of wisdom? I've been nice to myself, took myself out to coffee, reading a great book, am thriving at work, life is good but this spot in my heart is huge. I wasn't hanging on as much as tried to be a solid point of support and he acted so meanly. He has never been mean to me ever. Or a d*ck. This was a first.
Was I completely fooled? I thought rehab was about learning to deal with things?
Be gentle, I've tried to stay the optimist until now. I just didn't want to think he really didn't care.
That is part of who he is sober perhaps, a part I didn't see until now.
I am so sad. I stood back to give him room, maybe not enough. It was all about him I got so little back. I see that now.
No amends yet either. How can someone who says they love you do this? Say they care but treat you like a stranger? I thought at least a friend.
But this feeling that he wants me to go away... like forever? It hurts a lot. Maybe I pushed too hard. I am blaming myself now. Big time.
These are just big feelings I am having. I was hoping to have some type of friendship but it doesn't work that way. We were friends years ago so it isn't like we just met at some club one night.
I was never 'no contact' because I know how hard that is for me. I left him alone but wasn't perfect. It was tough for me and he acknowledged that a month ago. So on a whim tried to say hi. Now it is no contact because I don't want my head bitten off. OUCH
This hurts. Ok the romance stuff was done a while back but I didn't think he'd push me completely away.. even as a friend? Will the friendship ever come back? That is what we were first. I still care about him but know his capacity is non existant. Is being moody normal for him still?
Kind words of wisdom? I've been nice to myself, took myself out to coffee, reading a great book, am thriving at work, life is good but this spot in my heart is huge. I wasn't hanging on as much as tried to be a solid point of support and he acted so meanly. He has never been mean to me ever. Or a d*ck. This was a first.
Was I completely fooled? I thought rehab was about learning to deal with things?
Be gentle, I've tried to stay the optimist until now. I just didn't want to think he really didn't care.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((BabyBlue)))
I'm sorry your feelings are hurt by his words/attitude.
I don't have words to explain his behavior. His behavior may be authentic or it may be a reaction to something, either way - it hurts.
Sending you support and encouragement as you continue to focus on taking care of yourself. You are doing a great job of taking care of YOU.
I'm sorry your feelings are hurt by his words/attitude.
I don't have words to explain his behavior. His behavior may be authentic or it may be a reaction to something, either way - it hurts.
Sending you support and encouragement as you continue to focus on taking care of yourself. You are doing a great job of taking care of YOU.
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Thanks Pelican, I have been doing a pretty good job. But I do beat myself up, go to that negative place.. want to apologize profusely for whatever I think I did wrong. When I know all I did was care about the guy.
No one is perfect. I felt like I had to do or say everything perfectly for fear of upsetting his apple cart. Well yesterday I finally got emotional and it was a long time coming for him. He didn't really want to deal with it yet.
Will he ever? I wasn't trying to dump on him but I am human. I lost my cool. Cool I was containing for so many months I wasn't mean, just sad that even though we can't have a relationship that he can't accept me as a friend.
No one is perfect. I felt like I had to do or say everything perfectly for fear of upsetting his apple cart. Well yesterday I finally got emotional and it was a long time coming for him. He didn't really want to deal with it yet.
Will he ever? I wasn't trying to dump on him but I am human. I lost my cool. Cool I was containing for so many months
I wasn't mean, just sad that even though we can't have a relationship that he can't accept me as a friend. Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Jacksonville, FL
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Babyblue,
It could be possible that he does still care about you but is realizing that he's going to be going through a lot and needs to be "selfish" for a while. As such, he may be pushing you away rather roughly because he wants to avoid hurting you further, especially if he feels like he's not going to be able to make you a priority and doesn't want to deal with the stress of keeping up a relationship. Even if it's just a friendship. I've been in this situation before and I finally just sent a text that said something to the effect of, "I miss our friendship but I respect your need for space right now. I wish you nothing but happiness and I'm here if you need me."
Short and sweet and then I started working out like a mad woman and finding things that made me happy to keep me from dwelling on it.
It could be possible that he does still care about you but is realizing that he's going to be going through a lot and needs to be "selfish" for a while. As such, he may be pushing you away rather roughly because he wants to avoid hurting you further, especially if he feels like he's not going to be able to make you a priority and doesn't want to deal with the stress of keeping up a relationship. Even if it's just a friendship. I've been in this situation before and I finally just sent a text that said something to the effect of, "I miss our friendship but I respect your need for space right now. I wish you nothing but happiness and I'm here if you need me."
Short and sweet and then I started working out like a mad woman and finding things that made me happy to keep me from dwelling on it.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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His behavior may be authentic or it may be a reaction to something, either way - it hurts.
It may be that he's rebuilding and reshaping his reality and that you don't fit into that.
OR it may be that something completely unrelated has him in a spazz and you just happened upon him at a bad time.
Either way -- it hurts.
And either way -- there's nothing you can do about whether he wants to remain friends or distances himself.
Which doesn't make it hurt any less.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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I know for myself, I want a relationship (and friendships) with people I can share openly and honestly with and not have to worry about how they take my words or actions.
I have lived in a relationship where I felt like I walked on eggshells to keep the peace. But I wasn't at peace within myself. I felt bottled up and corked tight.
It sounds like you have been experiencing a relationship/friendship that wasn't allowing you to be open and honest about what you are feeling today. That's a tough reality to accept!
Be gentle with yourself.
Sometimes, our HP does for us what we can not or will not do for ourselves.
My HP had to remove unhealthy relationships from my life that I tried to hang onto. My ex as he pretended to be working on sobriety and recently a boyfriend that was not able to handle my needs in the relationship.
It is a painful way to detach, but when I accepted the situation; I found my peace.
Wishing you peace and progress and you accept this latest situation.
I have lived in a relationship where I felt like I walked on eggshells to keep the peace. But I wasn't at peace within myself. I felt bottled up and corked tight.
It sounds like you have been experiencing a relationship/friendship that wasn't allowing you to be open and honest about what you are feeling today. That's a tough reality to accept!
Be gentle with yourself.
Sometimes, our HP does for us what we can not or will not do for ourselves.
My HP had to remove unhealthy relationships from my life that I tried to hang onto. My ex as he pretended to be working on sobriety and recently a boyfriend that was not able to handle my needs in the relationship.
It is a painful way to detach, but when I accepted the situation; I found my peace.
Wishing you peace and progress and you accept this latest situation.
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This is all so helpful. I know I 'lost it' emotionally but I think it was to really see what was going on. I am going to NOT CONTACT under any circumstances. Give him room. LOTS of it.
That shame thing though that I feel, for not being a cooler person is hard for me. I am beating myself up. But I did have to supress much of my personality (I am very outgoing and talkative and I like to reflect about situations between myself and others). I wanted to talk to him but I think he took that as 'I want to give him an ear ful'.
Who knows. What's done is done.
That shame thing though that I feel, for not being a cooler person is hard for me. I am beating myself up. But I did have to supress much of my personality (I am very outgoing and talkative and I like to reflect about situations between myself and others). I wanted to talk to him but I think he took that as 'I want to give him an ear ful'.
Who knows. What's done is done.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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hi babyblue
this is my first post here. i just had to jump in here and reach out to you. i joined up here months ago (when i first tried to quit drinking), and i find myself lurking here often, even though i'm still drinking, unfortunately...and maybe i'm out of place being in this side of the forum, as i am an active alcoholic (female). but that said, your post just really touched me...i had to say something. you seem so hurt, and rightly so. mainly i guess i just wanted to throw in an alcoholic's perspective on this, if that's ok by you. you've already gotten good words of wisdom from others as well...proabably much better than what mine will be, but here goes, k.
first and foremost...he is being a jerk and it's not your fault. i just want you to know that it is not you! you sound like a real angel to stick by and offer pressureless support to him. i'm not slamming him, just calling it like i see it...this coming from a first class jerk herself. lol.
i went to rehab as well and acted like a distant b****...mostly to my fiance (now ex), who was the most supportive wonderful person throughout. i couldnt have asked for more. yet i was just shutting him out constantly...and being downright mean about it, as your BF is. to this day, i cant even say why i acted like i did in totality, honestly. i was veeeeeery moody and just really didnt have the capacity to be decent to him most of the time. i think some of it was guilt...i think some of it was anger at myself...and then i think some of it was just feeling so overwhelmed and everything was just a new world to me, being sober. but you know what i think most of it was? sober emotions were uncomfortable as hell for me (still are)...something like eating a hot lightbulb. lol. love, intimacy, support, everything...i simply wasnt used to feeling anything like that "for real", outside of my boozey bubble, and it made me squirm. so if i pushed everyone away, i wouldnt have to feel it at all...i was in my safe zone. you get me? i feel like i'm being way less than articulate about this, lol, so i hope i've made my point well enough for you to understand. i guess i should shut up now and let people with good wisdom in this capacity, from you guys' side of the equation, give you the words you need to feel better. just remember...it's not you...and it never was! keep taking care of yourself. good luck in healing your very kind heart.
this is my first post here. i just had to jump in here and reach out to you. i joined up here months ago (when i first tried to quit drinking), and i find myself lurking here often, even though i'm still drinking, unfortunately...and maybe i'm out of place being in this side of the forum, as i am an active alcoholic (female). but that said, your post just really touched me...i had to say something. you seem so hurt, and rightly so. mainly i guess i just wanted to throw in an alcoholic's perspective on this, if that's ok by you. you've already gotten good words of wisdom from others as well...proabably much better than what mine will be, but here goes, k.
first and foremost...he is being a jerk and it's not your fault. i just want you to know that it is not you! you sound like a real angel to stick by and offer pressureless support to him. i'm not slamming him, just calling it like i see it...this coming from a first class jerk herself. lol.
i went to rehab as well and acted like a distant b****...mostly to my fiance (now ex), who was the most supportive wonderful person throughout. i couldnt have asked for more. yet i was just shutting him out constantly...and being downright mean about it, as your BF is. to this day, i cant even say why i acted like i did in totality, honestly. i was veeeeeery moody and just really didnt have the capacity to be decent to him most of the time. i think some of it was guilt...i think some of it was anger at myself...and then i think some of it was just feeling so overwhelmed and everything was just a new world to me, being sober. but you know what i think most of it was? sober emotions were uncomfortable as hell for me (still are)...something like eating a hot lightbulb. lol. love, intimacy, support, everything...i simply wasnt used to feeling anything like that "for real", outside of my boozey bubble, and it made me squirm. so if i pushed everyone away, i wouldnt have to feel it at all...i was in my safe zone. you get me? i feel like i'm being way less than articulate about this, lol, so i hope i've made my point well enough for you to understand. i guess i should shut up now and let people with good wisdom in this capacity, from you guys' side of the equation, give you the words you need to feel better. just remember...it's not you...and it never was! keep taking care of yourself. good luck in healing your very kind heart.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 7
Thanks for the great perspective, iwritethesongs. Babyblue, I'm so sorry for all the pain you feel. My ABF pushes me away too, for days at a time, and I just can't make sense of it. Just like you were saying - how can you say you love me and then treat me this way? The most I've been able to come up with is that he's trying to find a reason to be angry at me so that he doesn't have to face who he's really angry with - himself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Babyblue
Its time to talk to yourself with compassion.
I beat myself for everything I was and said and did. It was hellish and it lasted months.
I get the feeling. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You will heal from all this, you will let go, you are becoming wiser and stronger. I never thought I would move on. 3 years later, life still sucks often, but I enjoy it more than ever..... I laugh throughout the day. I laugh! I had not laughed for a long time. All this will become a distant memory.
Your job today is to STOP the self torture and start loving yourself and supporting you through all this. Fake it at first. Then it will become natural. This is what has happened to me. And now I am able to relax.
You have gone through so much already, you need a break. Give yourself a break. A special gift for today. From Babyblue to Babyblue.
Its time to talk to yourself with compassion.
I beat myself for everything I was and said and did. It was hellish and it lasted months.
I get the feeling. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You will heal from all this, you will let go, you are becoming wiser and stronger. I never thought I would move on. 3 years later, life still sucks often, but I enjoy it more than ever..... I laugh throughout the day. I laugh! I had not laughed for a long time. All this will become a distant memory.
Your job today is to STOP the self torture and start loving yourself and supporting you through all this. Fake it at first. Then it will become natural. This is what has happened to me. And now I am able to relax.
You have gone through so much already, you need a break. Give yourself a break. A special gift for today. From Babyblue to Babyblue.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Babyblue 
No one is perfect. I felt like I had to do or say everything perfectly for fear of upsetting his apple cart. Well yesterday I finally got emotional and it was a long time coming for him. He didn't really want to deal with it yet.
You are a warm caring person. He can't handle it. His loss, not yours hon. Be good to yourself!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
More to be revealed, Babyblue. My gut, and my experiences, tell me you caught him at a bad moment. Early sobriety is rough. If you want this relationship to continue, do what you said above, back off and give him lots of space, and go live your own life. Heck, enjoy living your own life! The best revenge is living well, right?!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
Sorry you are hurting Babyblue! What you are feeling is completely normal. Who wouldn't feel the way you feel after how long you have been there for him?? What you are experiencing is a normal reaction to an abnormal person (he is still new in his recovery). When one person in a relationship or even a friendship lacks so much and contributes so little, the other person is left to crazily make up for what is lacking and be the glue that holds everything together. Its not right but it happens all the time even in relationships with no addiction.
You feel slighted or dismissed. Overlooked. Its absolutely normal to feel that way. I think anyone in your shoes would feel that way. But don't let it effect you one bit. I think everyone has a little codependecy in them. I think the the trick to codependency is don't let someone else's lack of "whatever" effect your life. That is their crap. They can own it. As you own your crap. This has nothing to do with you.
You feel slighted or dismissed. Overlooked. Its absolutely normal to feel that way. I think anyone in your shoes would feel that way. But don't let it effect you one bit. I think everyone has a little codependecy in them. I think the the trick to codependency is don't let someone else's lack of "whatever" effect your life. That is their crap. They can own it. As you own your crap. This has nothing to do with you.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
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It is true. If I can't be myself then what is the point. He knows by now I am there for him. He is just a year into his recovery. I'm sure there is lots happening for him as he tries to rebuild. I just didn't know I'd be discarded Or at least pushed aside. He said he wasn't ready yet to talk but that gives me hope we will talk?
Today I blew it... again.
I texted and said that I know I lost it but that I miss talking to him and hope we will be in touch again and that everything for him goes well. Good Luck, BB.
Now I'm mad at myself for sending that!!
The thing is, I had a small gift for him I was saving for when he completed his program (a small crucifix) and don't know if I should even send that?
I don't want to play games or beat myself up for breaking no contact but I know that is the best thing. I still want to send him this small gift though
Why can't I leave well enough alone? Where is my self respect?
Or at least pushed aside. He said he wasn't ready yet to talk but that gives me hope we will talk? Today I blew it... again.
I texted and said that I know I lost it but that I miss talking to him and hope we will be in touch again and that everything for him goes well. Good Luck, BB.
Now I'm mad at myself for sending that!!
The thing is, I had a small gift for him I was saving for when he completed his program (a small crucifix) and don't know if I should even send that?
I don't want to play games or beat myself up for breaking no contact but I know that is the best thing. I still want to send him this small gift though
Why can't I leave well enough alone? Where is my self respect?
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Bb, please don't be so judgemental of yourself and beating yourself up.
We all need to be who we are and admire your kind soul for reaching out to your RABF in a way that you think is best even though you are not getting a response that works for you.
I still reach out to my RAH and because of where I am at in my program it is not always in a kind way. Sometimes I tell myself the next step for me is being kinder and gentler and then maybe the next step is to stop reaching out. It's so hard when I can be a certain way with others and my RAH just can't deal with what most consider basics in a relationship.
I vacillate between disappointment, sadness and anger when interacting with my RAH.
(((Bb)))
We all need to be who we are and admire your kind soul for reaching out to your RABF in a way that you think is best even though you are not getting a response that works for you.
I still reach out to my RAH and because of where I am at in my program it is not always in a kind way. Sometimes I tell myself the next step for me is being kinder and gentler and then maybe the next step is to stop reaching out. It's so hard when I can be a certain way with others and my RAH just can't deal with what most consider basics in a relationship.
I vacillate between disappointment, sadness and anger when interacting with my RAH.
(((Bb)))
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
Babyblue, I am so sorry you are hurting and feeling like he is pushing you away. Please do not beat yourself up for wanting to reach out to him; you did nothing wrong. Just as you once so helpfully told me, recovery is really tough work, and you should continue to be patient and try not to expect too much from him right now. His behavior is all about him and not about you at all.
I also don't think that his reaction means he wants you to go away forever. It may just be for right now. I called my RAF once during his outpatient rehab, left a short voice mail. His response was a text: "don't call." I definitely felt like he was pushing me away after reading that. But we've finally spoken again, so I no longer feel like he's going to abandon me, at least for now.
As for the gift you have for your RABF, I would still send it, if you still feel strongly about it when he completes his program. In the meantime, am sending lots of hugs your way and I hope you can get out of the negative place and back to the positive side soon!
I also don't think that his reaction means he wants you to go away forever. It may just be for right now. I called my RAF once during his outpatient rehab, left a short voice mail. His response was a text: "don't call." I definitely felt like he was pushing me away after reading that. But we've finally spoken again, so I no longer feel like he's going to abandon me, at least for now.
As for the gift you have for your RABF, I would still send it, if you still feel strongly about it when he completes his program. In the meantime, am sending lots of hugs your way and I hope you can get out of the negative place and back to the positive side soon!
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I feel better. All this helps and he actually responded with a 'thanks' when I reached out today.
I do have to keep my sanity though. And stop trying to know what is going on for him. I can only know myself.
I will send him that gift and hopefully he will see it as just a token of good thought. I just miss the guy who was always so happy to talk to me and said he cared
I will focus on me from now on.
I do have to keep my sanity though. And stop trying to know what is going on for him. I can only know myself.
I will send him that gift and hopefully he will see it as just a token of good thought. I just miss the guy who was always so happy to talk to me and said he cared
I will focus on me from now on.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 75
Mine is hurt and embarrassed and wants to run away from everyone. He hates me and blames me for telling his family (I caught him injecting speed but they are not surprised at all because they have been through his alcohol problems for 15 years going back). He doesn't want to be friends. He wants me to forget I caught him injecting drugs and pretend like nothing happened and we are happy. He wants me to beg his forgiveness for telling his family. He wants me to take the blame for him spending $600 on hotel for 3 nights so he could inject more speed because I was annoying him while he was coming down at home. He said he chose that beautiful room (while he was high and abandoned me crying in the driveway at home to go inject more) with me in mind so that we could have a special few days together at the beach. Then he got angry and yelled at me for not wanting to go there when he came back to the house the next day. You know, I don't think any of your guy not wanting to talk to you has anything to do with you. Imagine that you destroyed the person who loves you. That you did some horrible thing and no matter what you do, it's never going to be erased. He probably hates himself so much that he thinks he's doing you a favor by staying away. I hope my ex does me that favor. I love him so much it will take every bit of me to stop from answering his calls and texts. I hope he never contacts me. Because I don't want to get sucked into it. He doesn't want to be my friend. We were lovers. It doesn't go to being friends anymore without someone hoping for more. He's my drug. His love is my drug. HIS drugs though, his drinking - is gonna kill me. Count yourself lucky that you don't have yours calling you and begging forgiveness and telling you how much he loves you and needs you. Because being on the end where you have to muster the strength to say no, is so much worse.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
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@babyblue..sorry you are going through this but STOP!!
this is NOT about YOU
he is in his active recovery...there is no relationship ALLOWED...
you need to get to al anon and stop this caretaking mode that he does not need...at any point or time, if you where in al anon you would know this...please get to a meeting and stop this behaviour...its not becoming of you....
this is NOT about YOU
he is in his active recovery...there is no relationship ALLOWED...
you need to get to al anon and stop this caretaking mode that he does not need...at any point or time, if you where in al anon you would know this...please get to a meeting and stop this behaviour...its not becoming of you....
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Albeit said bluntly - fourmaggie has a point here. What worked for me was to write my RAH letters instead of contacting him directly. It helped to give him space, give me an opportunity to process my feelings, without being pushy and demanding. It also helped fill the need to make contact, without making contact.
I hope you won't send the gift right now. It's not time. He needs something that you can't give him, and that's ok. Letting him go right now is the best thing you can do for this man. Give him that gift instead. Let him go to focus on his recovery so he can be successful. If this relationship is meant to be, it will happen again when the time is right.
I hope you won't send the gift right now. It's not time. He needs something that you can't give him, and that's ok. Letting him go right now is the best thing you can do for this man. Give him that gift instead. Let him go to focus on his recovery so he can be successful. If this relationship is meant to be, it will happen again when the time is right.
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