TakingCharge999

Give yourself that gift Babyblue.
Go No contact.

This is so similar from what I went through, the "negotiation phase".

I had let XABF treat me like BS many times and I still wanted him to feel I was there for him and hoped we could be friends sometime in the future.

Today:

I understand this was about the huge emptiness and lack of love in my heart.

XABF was the only person that make me feel important, visible.. alive.

But that came with feeling unworthy, invisible and a zombie.


It was easier to feel compassion when I realized I learned this from my dad. He used to appear out of nowhere and take my sister and I to some vacation somewhere. Then he disappeared for months. Then he came back with gifts and words "I love you". Then he left for years.

Tell me if this does not fit an alcoholic to a T? morsels of "love"?


Today... August 29th, 2011...
I realize,

I am important, regardless of whoever else
I matter
I am alive

AND

I am free.
I have qualities

I deserve peace
I deserve consistency
I deserve love.

And this huge emptiness I lacked almost all my life,
I can fill.
My own love can fill this emptiness.
My parents did all they could.

If my mom lacked softness and emotional support - I can give it to myself .I HAVE to give it to myself. LOTS of it. Only doing this I can heal.

If my dad did not give me enough time, attention or validation - I can give it to myself. I HAVE to. I deserve healing.

Anything you are looking for from others, you can give it to yourself. No way others will fill the emptiness, only you can do it. And when you do it magical things happen. This is what has happened to me. I have found much peace and freedom this way.

See if today can be Day #1 of No contact. One hour at a time. The gifts awaiting you are worth it.

fourmaggie

i am sorry it was an off day, but why cant he do what he is suppose to do...get RECOVERY....and he needs his program more than ever...and so do you...separately....

my A/Na are doing just that...there is no future until??? well, until I AM READY...nothing more...

women need to stop this caretaking mode and the people pleasing ....its part of co dependency....

Cyranoak

It seems to me, and as you have always appeared online to me, that you are still focused on him-- singularly so. That steady focus would be driving me insane if I was him. I would feel suffocated, frustrated, and angry.

Please consider focusing on yourself for an extended period of time and simply leaving him alone as he has requested.

I say this as somebody who did the exact same thing and drove a woman completely crazy until I stopped (but I did stop).

Good luck,

Cyranoak

dollydo

You look at no contact as your enemy, when infact it is your friend, it is put in place to protect you, to allow you time to heal and to move forward with your life. You keep saying that having contact is best for you, when it actually is not, it keeps you in your fantasy zone, a non reality based mindset. This is not a healthy place for you or anyone to live in.

He has asked you to back off, why not comply with his request?

It is over, he has moved on, might be the time for you to consider doing the same.

Friends come and go throughout ones life, it is a natural process, we must learn to let go
and allow ourselves to develop new friendships.

Babyblue

I haven't checked the boards in a few days so I am thankful that others still have replied, and with very good insight and advice.

Thank you takingcharge for writing what you did. It hit me. That part of me that deserves real love, not this crumbly kind.

I do see your point Cyranoak. I took it to heart. But the beating myself up part is going to take longer. No I haven't contacted him or made any attempt. I miss him horribly. Yet his point was clear.. leave him be.

Dolly, I do need to look at 'no contact' as something healing for myself. Today I saw him online and I logged off. That is progress!

I only wonder when that pain part will go away and how do I make it go away. And be at peace. I am honoring his request but still have a hard time being at peace and I know I should.

LaTeeDa

You start by honoring yourself. You do deserve more than crumbs. Believe it!

Have you ever seen this? Good advice, served up with a big helping of humor.

Madea - let folks go - YouTube

L

TakingCharge999

Great progress!!!
So has it been 24 hours of No contact yet?

If so,

Congratulations for your first 24 hours!!

TakingCharge999

No contact is a friend indeed!! the first days were the WORST but then my soul started to come back to my body, I remembered what I always liked and started doing it again, and it went downhill from there....

Tuffgirl

The pain lessens over time, and with forgiveness and empathy. I posted back in early May about my therapist telling me not to come back until I was ready for working on this step (for me it was anger, not grief) and it took two weeks of real introspection to come to the place to be able to find some empathy.

Change your perspective. Instead of feeling this is something happening to you, like fourmaggie says, understand it isn't about you at all. It's about him and his utmost needs right now. Can you imagine how hard this is? What would you be experiencing right now if the shoe were on the other foot? The physical cravings, the emotional turmoil, the shame and guilt, anger and despair. If he, being a man, is feeling any of those things, the last person he wants to admit that to is you...because he's a man and his ego couldn't take that kind of beating. My RAH rarely talks of these things...when he does it is a subtle alluding to his feelings. As the man in my life, he needs me to respect him, and in his eyes, weakness isn't "manly".

So instead of viewing this as a failing; a relationship ending; look at it as a "do-over" where the outcome is still unknown. Take the time to work on yourself so when (if) he reaches a point where a relationship is possible again, you will be in the best place to handle it. And don't forget...progress, not perfection.

Hang in there, as always, this too shall pass.
~!T

Babyblue

Tuffgirl, I think I am getting to that point of empathy. I always thought I was but then the resentment and anger I feel comes out.

I know he is going through it. I only hope that there will be space in his life for me when he comes from the other side. Time will tell.

Thanks for your post Tuffgirl. I really am going to read it over and over and take it all to heart.

Tuffgirl

Yeah well keep in mind...the words are the easy part - the action is a heck of a lot harder! ; )

Progress, not perfection...

I tell myself this daily...it truly is a process to work through, not an instantaneous feeling. Some days its...Blech...relationships suck!

Babyblue

I was just thinking that there is never a smooth course in any relationship, regardless of the outcome. They take ups and downs and the question is will it still be standing when the dust is settled. Who knows.

I get so caught up in my own head that I forget the other person's situation. This experience has really shown me the things I need to work on and recover from. .. this intense need to KNOW things, to predict the future. Then I sit and worry and create stories in my head about what the future holds but we don't know. We only know this moment.

bonami

I could have written this post, Babyblue; I also have that intense need to know and then try to figure out what the outcome will be--not just in the case of my RA friend but in other situations too. I know I need to stop doing this but it's hard.

and I also thank you, Tuffgirl, for your post; it's helpful to me and I am glad it's helpful to Babyblue, because I also think that it may not be so much her relationship ending, but just a "do-over" as you said, where the outcome is still unknown. For me, no contact is incredibly difficult but sometimes it helps to have a positive reason for sticking with it.