onceuponadream

Hello,

I'm not sure if I belong here, but from looking around a bit I'm starting to feel like I do...my husband and I are having some marital problems and I think part of the reason we are has to do with his drinking...he cannot go a day without having a drink...he drinks maybe 3-4 beers a night and more on the weekends...I have not really started to notice just how much this is until recently. There has been some verbal abuse and it is bad when he's had too much. I dont think he knows just how bad it gets because I've tried to tell him about one of the really bad episodes and he doesn't recall the things I tried to tell him...he is always apologetic and says things like "we both said things we didn't mean last night". We have a "blowout" approximately every 2 months and I'm tired and resentful of the way I'm treated when he's been drinking too much. I've brought the subject of him possibly having a problem up before and I get stuff like "I will cut back" and "I guess you just think I'm a total loser (or failure)"...last night I got "I dont need to hear this right now". His father is most definitely an alcoholic and he talks about how much he resents it all the time so I just dont understand why he doesnt see that he may be headed down the same path...his grandfather died of liver failure...I'm so scared of what lies ahead and I think I'm starting to come out of my own denial that there is a problem...not sure where to start, but I'm making a marriage counseling appt this week as he has finally admitted that we might need this...we're falling apart lately.

Thanks for listening...

marie1960

Welcome, lots of information on these threads, if you feel there is a problem, you are probably correct. Keep reading and posting, you are not alone.

SoaringSpirits

I've gone through something very similar with my high functioning alcoholic husband. Beer and wine every night during the week, more on the weekends. I began to dread evenings and weekends. He had to drink 7 days a week. He drank alone. He got confrontational and mouthy and difficult when drinking. He was sly about hiding the amount he drank. He quietly drank before going to a social event. He has a family history of alcoholism. It really creeps up on you, and then one day you know you have a serious problem. Looking back, I wish I'd allowed myself to really see it and take action much sooner. Once I began really seeing, I found all sorts of evidence that the problems was very real: vodka flasks in his golf bag, office, car, tool shed, etc. I waited until our marriage was in shambles to draw the line. There is still a lot of love between us, but it may be too late. As our therapist said yesterday, all the other problems can be worked on together, but the alcohol abuse is at the heart of everything. We can't move forward while my husband lives in a state of denial. I have to back off, let go, disentangle from my husband, and focus on me and the kids being healthy. I have to let him go. Only he can take responsibility for his choices.

wellnowwhat

I was you many years ago. I wish someone then had told me about Alanon and this Site. Please keep reading and think about attending an Alanon meeting. It's often suggested that you go to a handful of meetings, and a couple of different groups before you decide it's for you. And Alanon is for you, it will not give you that magic phrase to get him to stop.

When I started talking to my AH about his drinking, he started hiding it as well as denying it. Then you start to question yourself. If you think it is a problem, then IT IS a problem for you.

Best wishes for you both.

nodaybut2day

Hi and to SR. This is a wonderful place to find support, experience and hope. I encourage you to stick around, read lots, and post as much as you need. SR is also open.

Regarding your post:
I was married to a "functional" alcoholic like your AH for a few years. My exaH also only drank 3-4 beers a night (mind you they were 500 ml each, so about 2 liters of beer a night), and obviously he drank more on week-ends. He also verbally and emotionally abused me, whether he was tanked or not. He would also deflect me whenever I brought up what I thought was the problem, just so he wouldn't have to discuss the drinking. We also rode that rollercoaster of blowout-makeup-honeymoonperiod-tension-blowout. Eventually, those blowouts got closer and closer together until I was living drama day in and day out. It was only after our separation that I learned that many men in his family were violent alcoholics.

So...there are many similarities in our stories!

When I found SR, I found...salvation. It was painful, scary, exhausting, and enlightening all at once. I strongly encourage you to find an attend quite a few Al-Anon meetings. You can then learn how to refocus on yourself instead of on him...because in the end, HE doesn't have a problem with his drinking; YOU do.

Stick around. More will be revealed.

breakingglass

same story for me.... started out couple of times then ended up an every day event. i'm stressed and anxious all the time and the ride home from work is always a scarey one. in just today i called him (he's laid off with way to much time on his hands) and he's surly drunk....i'm going out tonight to escape him..... i'm done fighting. now i just leave. if he gets too out of hand i leave for the night. eventually i figure i'll be moved out!

dollydo

Unfortunately, this is a progressive disease, that has no cure. It is just a matter of whether the alcoholic is currently drinking or not. Added to that even if one is in recovery and not drinking, there is this little matter of being a dry drunk, you might want to read up on dry drunks.

As if that isn't enough, it is possible that a relapse can happen at anytime,1 year, 5 years, 10 years and so on, it is impossible to know when or if a relapse will happen.

When living with a person who has an addictive personality there never is any peace of mind, we codies always have to deal with the possiblity that a relapse is around the corner.

I too suggest that you go to Alanon meetings, also, keep reading around these forums, it will help.

KeepinOnDaily

I totally understand where you are coming from. Your story is like mine many months ago. I had always tried to talk to him about the drinking and tell him it was getting out of control but it only got worse when I finally laid down the ultimatem-- YOUR FAMILY or BOOZE. He didn't like hearing it and denied, blamed me and didn't truly accept responsibility for his actions until I got him out of the house with an order of protection and told him IM DONE.
Right now I have a petition for divorce completely ready to file at any moment and he is seeking intensive outpatient treatment. It doesn't mean all will be hunky dory happy and I realize I have been living this fearful life for so long. Promises really don't mean anything to me until I have seen actions. I'm pretty much at the point right now where i have NO trust in our marriage and I have tried to come to terms with the feelings myself that this just is not the life I want to be a part of.
I know what you are going through. I did start attending Al-Anon, and you will learn a lot of things if you find the right group.
This is the greatest forum with the most helpful people on here who know what you are going through. Read through others posts and start doing what you need to do right now to get through this, whatever it is.
I am thinking about you...

fulloffaith

Welcome. I was in your shoes for many years. Please do not feel you need to do anything drastic right now. I remember when I first admitted my husband's drinking was out of control. It was so scary and I was too afraid to even think about separating, leaning, divorce. Like you, even talking with him or trying to have honest conversations about repairing our marriage seemed scary and too confrontational.
But.... I kept reading on this site. I began attending alanon weekly. I really began doing everything in my power to take care of me. This was so very hard. It sounded, and at first felt, very selfish. My AH 's feelings were always at the forefront of my mind. It took a lot of awareness and effort to put my own needs and feelings before his. It's so hard because for so long the job of holding the marriage together has fallen on us spouses. If we don't hold it together, what will happen????

Only god has that answer. But if you take care of you, the rest will all happen A's it should. Usually not in the way we imagined or hoped. But often times in very peaceful and joyful ways.

My husband is still drinking. I go to alanon. I have more peace in my life than I thought possible. Please keep reading and posting. Try to go to alanon. Try to not focus on his drinking, but on what you can do today to bring some calm and peace to each moment.

Good luck, I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts & prayers.

duqld1717

Hi and welcome! I just wanted to add that if he truly is an Alcoholic, marriage counseling will not solve anything. A counselor will tell you that first the addiction has to be addressed and treated by the appropriate methods (AA, rehab, addiction couseling) before they can even begin to give you any marriage advice. Usually the addiction is what is causing most of the marital problems to begin with.

tjp613

I was in the same place as you when I had been married about 8 years. We went to counseling and the therapist immediately focused in on his drinking (as duqld1717 says above). He was shocked and was VERY upset that his placing blame on ME was not being validated. He never went back to counseling again. We got divorced a few years later after his drinking escalated to verbal and physical abuse. And now 20 years later he's still in denial about his drinking. Both of our children are very emotionally damaged.

mhealer3

my heart knows ur sorrow dear lady,
as i longed for recognition,
a kind word, or thanks during my 20 yr marriage.
how i wanted to feel i was worth something to him,
worth more than his beer, his pot, his 'needs' that i met.
how i longed to be important to him, a blessing or of high value in his life.
i was like a starving dog,
working so hard for the place i wanted in his heart.
something was wrong with my thinking, of course--
to go on like that for decades.
but i was treated shabbily as a child, & knew nothing else.
feeling worthless cannot be solved by marriage, i found.
i'm not able to tell u what to do with your marriage dear lady,
but i believe the lesson i learned is of value to you:
make sure you don't try to compete with his addictions,
don't evaluate YOUR WORTH based on his actions.
he's not a reflection of you.
it's a losing battle & a humiliating way to live:
to wait for an addict 2 love u.
because their messed up & not worthy of another person losing their life
just to keep them company while they deny their problem.
he has his own demons dear lady,
but stay away from needing to change or fix him.
it will only tire you & break your heart.
let my loss be your gain i pray.
greetings from new york state.

Eight Ball

Hi Onceuponadream and welcome to SR,

I too have a very similar story to your own. My AH of 23yrs drank everyday, maybe 3-4 bottles of beers and more at the weekend. Sometimes he went through a crate of 24, sometimes 48!

My AH had been verbally abusive for most of my marriage, mainly when I brought up 'touchy' subjects or when he had been drinking heavily. I used to tell myself it was the beer talking and he didnt really mean it and excused his behaviour.

About two years ago now, he told me during a row, when I was asking him to cut down, that he would never stop drinking beer and if I didnt like it then I could leave. Thats when I knew that he had a problem and I had a problem and someone suggested that I try Al-anon. I went to Al-anon, found SR website and also got some personal therapy.

Initially, I learnt about detaching and decided that I would stay living with my AH but learn to protect myself from his drinking and negative behaviours. I learnt through therapy to say 'stop' and 'I do not have to listen to this' if he started verbally abusing me or acting pasive/aggressive. This worked to some extent and the verbal abuse stopped but partly because I had learnt through Al-anon, not to argue with him, particulary when he had been drinking.

During this time, my AH dad died of an alcoholic related issue at a young age and my AH sought help through his Doctor and therapy to stop drinking. Within 3 months he was deeper in denial and drinking again.

About 5 months ago, I was still struggling with detaching and the daily drinking was still effecting me. I was coming home from the doctors, after being told that my own health was suffering (stress, anxiety, migraines, weight issues and high collestorol) when I decided that my husband alcoholism would end up killing me and I needed to put my own needs first and leave. I could no longer live with active alcoholism.

I have been living on my own for the first time in my life. (grown up daughters) It was hard to begin with but slowly its been getting better.

A few weeks ago, my AH got in touch after 8 weeks of no contact. I met with him and he told me that he had reached his rock bottom, didnt want to loose me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and had sought help once again for his drinking. He has currently been sober for almost 3 weeks. Its early days, but I think what I am hearing from him is genuine but time will tell. I am watching from afar and still attending therapy to make sure that I remain healthy.

My AH and I tried marriage councelling a couple of times over the years, as my AH would say that we had 'lack of communication issues'. I didnt put it down to beer at that time! To be honest, marriage councelliing is merely going to be a 'band aid' solution. Things will be fine for a while, you will learn to talk nicely to each other etc, etc but then the drink will start talking again or you will encounter another verbally abusive attack and you will feel like you are back to square one. Most councellors know that there is no point 'councelling' someone who is actively drinking.

My AH and I still have many 'marriage issues' to deal with but for now they can wait. My AH is on his own journey and has to learn not to drink and why he drinks and I know that he has enough to deal with just doing this and focussed on remaining sober. If he stays sober for a good solid period and we discuss the possibility of coming together again, then we can try some marriage councelling. I think that we will likely have a very different marriage then anyway.

My whole marriage felt like a rollercoaster ride. One of my favourite readings is 'Merry-Go_round named denial' an Al-anon leaflet. You will find it up the top in a sticky or just google it. Do try Al-anon, try therapy for yourself, keep posting and reading on SR, many of us can totally relate, which is something that I found very comforting.

It took me 18 months of therapy, a change of attitude, a mental shift towards looking after myself and my own happiness before I could leave my verbally abusive AH. I am pleased that I did. You are just on the start of your road to recovery, so I am very glad that you found us.

retswerb

I feel for you. My AH and I have had so many "marriage issues" especially in the last few years. To hear him talk its the reason he drinks so much. (don't worry - i refuse to accept responsibility for his choice) He also says hurtful nasty things during a fight. He says I'm making too big of a deal because it doesn't happen that often - every couple months feel plenty often to me.

I don't have any advice. I am new here and just starting to learn and understand what i'm up against. Just know people here do understand. That is something I didn't have a few days ago.