gowest

So I have a situation in my life. I know how far I've come because this involves my daughter and various family members none of who are A's.

I feel that what I have gained most in recovery is the ability to apply the principles to my "real" life and all of its relationships.

I've been separated for over 3 years, trying to get divorced - long story - ex-h has been "engaged" for 3 years, right out of the house and before we even had separation agreement.

Eldest daughter going off to college next week. I'm happy for her and sad for me! I will miss her company!

Ex-h's first cousin planned a lunch with my daughters, my niece, an old babysitter of my niece's and my niece's mother (one of oldest and dearest friends over 25yrs who is also divorced from ex's brother).

I am not invited because cousin is friends with "fiancée". (I never really realized that you could actually be married and engaged to some one else at the same time until it happened in my own life!!) I do not have a problem with ex-h having a finacee (did not have heart broken - marriage was dead - i have a boyfriend) I have never had "problems" with this first cousin.

I do have issues with the fact that because this new person exists in my ex-h's life there are occasions from which I am excluded.

I feel hurt and left out.
My daughter "knows" that I feel this way. I'm not always able to mask how I feel when told information like this and I'm not sure that I should? opinions?

My recovery speaking:
My daughter did not plan event ...
not my daughter's job to keep me happy...
I told her I understand this

I am happy for her that people are celebrating their feelings for her did not tell her this, was too busy trying to sort out/recover from my feelings

That being said I am actually sad to be missing out on an occasion with my 2 children,my niece and my best friend -

If my daughter was just going out with "her" friends or just my niece it would no problem for me as it would not feel like somewhere i was "supposed" to be. Does this make sense?

I know I know expectations
This is hard.
I am frustrated that I am "relieved" that fiancee isn't going because I would feel even more left out if she was going.

Upside is that ex-sister-in law best friend said she would send her child but most likely have lunch with me so that I don't feel so left out and sad.
I love her
I feel lucky to have such a good friend

I am getting better and better about handling the disappointments as I get healthier but still struggle sometimes.

I feel greedy for time with my eldest child as she makes this final transition away from home and into adulthood.

For people who have more recovery than I do under their belts - how do I handle these feelings when the arise?

Anything any one says "inside their head" when bitter feelings swell up?

It seems that the last "sticking" points for me are always around my daughters.

I also find if I don't effectively deal with the feelings I tend to "break down/explode" at a later date. Never good.

Thanks for listening to the novel about what seems to be such a trivial matter. It isn't trivial in terms of my feelings and that is what I am trying to work on.

m1k3

When I catch myself getting hung up on anything in my head I usually work some deep breathing or some chanting (in my head usually). This usually is enough to bring me back to the here and now.

In your case for example the party is not now and yet you are fussing about it. I really put effort in living today just for today. Not always easy but well worth the effort. So, just for today put your energy into living just for today. The future will take care of itself. Besides, who knows what will happen between now and then. If you are fussing about the future you are missing what is going on right now.

I hope this helps. ((((hugs))))

Your friend,

gowest

m1k3 - yes living in the moment is an issue i still struggle with more often than I'd like - a good reminder

anvilhead - yes i agree, the problem is that i "get it" intellectually but not emotionally yet -- i am happy for her but also having a pity party for myself

I want to actually be "happy" for her from the tips of my toes with no other feelings but it isn't actually where I am at if I am honest with myself.

gowest

I hear you

It has gotten easier with time. I will keep reminding myself that it gets easier and easier.

We have an interesting dynamic in our household where my older daughter does not want her father and I in the same room if it can be helped while the younger one could care less.

I still haven't been able to figure out why exactly.
My older daughter, who is one of the most adeptly verbal people I have ever encountered, can't really explain it either.
I think it may be unresolved sadness at the split that she hasn't processed.

I'm already feeling better which is good.
I used to hang on to this stuff for ages.

I have great kids. I am lucky.

dollydo

Your children are becoming adults, they will do their own thing, and, you will not be included in most of what they do. It is their right of passage, that's what good parents do, they allow their little birds to grow, to fly and leave the nest.

Parents, also need to regrow, to relearn how to fly, to move forward with their life, to experience new adventures, new opportunities and most important be at peace knowing that, you, as a parent have done a fine job raising your children.

Whether you realize it today or not, allowing your children to forge their own way today, to become responsible adults, may infact benefit you in the future. My father died last year at age 84, he was not well, he needed me, as he had become the child and I the adult, had I not been a responsible adult, his ship would have sunk long before it did. Not bragging, no atta girls required, I just did what was needed to do, for him.

Be proud, your girls sound to be headed in the right direction...and now, the ball is in your court.

Babyblue

Recovery means not letting any of their drama (inviting, not inviting, who is connected to who etc..) affect you good or bad. Not getting sucked into it.

They are stuck in it still so sad for them. Not inviting people because of connections to me is in poor taste and immature. We are all adults.

Maybe it is a relief you aren't attending.

Tuffgirl

My first thought reading your post, gowest, is "why can't people just grow the f up?". That said, I have experience similar situations recently - the feeling of being purposely excluded from events because of someone else's perceptions and future tripping. Here's the rub - these are events I don't want to go to anyway. But feeling purposely excluded by people you trusted...well...that just bites. Is it rational? No! It is reasonable? No. It is just being a human being with feelings. And right now, you've got a lot of other emotions going on, so what may have been a no-big-deal experience turns into a pity party. It's ok. It's normal. And it too shall pass.

Freedom1990

When Amber ended up as a ward of the state after she ran away, that was my first experience being an empty nester (she was out of my home for 16 months). It was hard, really hard. The house was so quiet, and I cried for two weeks.

It's very emotional to have a child leaving the home, whether it's for college or other reasons.

Be gentle with yourself, and do lots of self-care to boost your spirits, dear!