I think my partner is dependant of his group therapist
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Alicante, Spain
Posts: 15
I think my partner is dependant of his group therapist
Hi everyone,*
I really need some advice from people who are or have been in a similar situation as mine, so I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read me! I am writing from Spain.
I've been dating my boyfriend now for 1year and 8 months. He's a recovering addict and will have been sober for 3 years the 25th august. He goes to group therapy twice per week and is extremely aware of the importance of it and follows almost all the advice he's given. He's also very much in touch with a couple of other recovering addicts from the group and the group therapist.
A part from being an addict, he's also bipolar and takes lithium.*
He has had 2 divorces and has 4 children, 2 from each wife. The youngest is 4yrs and the eldest is 17yrs. My boyfriend is 37yrs. I *am 35, divorced and have 0 children.
I knew his mother for 3 years before I met him and she set us up.*
The first year has been really up and down, his biggest problem was accepting that he was in a relationship. He would say that we're just friends and that he could never get married or have children again (he's had a vasectomy). That's always been fine with me as I don't want children and have also been told I probably couldn't have them anyway. I have read up and spoken to a therapist friend of mine who lives in South Africa about bipolar and also about addiction. I think I understand it pretty well and I'm very comfortable with it and accept it happily as I'm a very tranquil person and things don't get to me easily. I know I'm in love with him, I would spend the rest of my life with him, but his happiness and what is best for him is my main priority.
My boyfriend is a millionaire, I am not a millionaire, but have my own business and have my own *villa with pool and live more than a comfortable lifestyle. I am certainly not interested in his money, his mother set us up and I didn't even know who he was when I met him and liked him.
Both his ex-wives come from farm and lower class backgrounds and went with him for his money. He told me this and i suspect is true as they never worked and try to get more money off him all the time through court cases or blackmail.
I think and am pretty sure that he's becoming dependent on his group therapist. Ever since I've known him I have thought it strange that they have a friendship outside work. His therapist is 51 years old and also a recovering alcoholic. She's divorced with two kids in their late 20's, one is an addict and is in prison and the other is not an addict and has a healthy relationship with his girlfriend. The therapist has been clean for 18 years.
They speak on the phone almost every day, there's a small group of about 4 or 5 of them ( from the group therapy main group)that go on cruises and holidays together about 3 times a year or more. This group consists of the therapist, 2 women in their 50's (one married, the other divorced) and sometimes a guy in his late 50's who's also married.
The last trip they made was a 10 day cruise on my boyfriend's boat with my boyfriend. I am not allowed to go on these trips as I'm not an addict.
What is most upsetting about this particular trip on his boat is that in march he told me that he wouldn't take the boat out this year because it's too expensive to run and his businesses are not going well. Also his latest ex- wife is fighting through courts to get more money and he doesn't want it to look like he can afford to give her more by the judge seeing that he goes on expensive holidays... Well, in May he tells me he is taking the boat out with his friends and therapist just for 4 days somewhere close. I questioned if it was his idea or someone elses... He never lies to me and his expression was like he'd just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar! I reminded him of his responsibilities and told him that I thought his friends might be taking a bit of advantage of him. He replied that sometimes he had to do things because he had a commitment and that it benefitted him too sometimes. It went from a 4 day trip to a 10 day cruise!
I know that taking the boat out was the therapist's encouragement and that she even made him buy her a 1,500€ loewe handbag!!
He's soft and so easily manipulated, it's scary to see. She should be advising him not to spend his money right now! But mainly, shouldn't he be keeping his therapy to group sessions? And is it right that she goes to stay about 3 weekends per year in his house, they go out for dinners ( he always pays) and yesterday he told me they were going to buy a dog together! Yes, splitting the time -15 days each but they live in different cities 2 hours away from each other!
He's afraid of flying and wanted to take me to Rome for my birthday in September, but we discussed it and I I said that I didn't think he was ready to face that fear yet. This would be our first time away together (without his children) and that I thought we should just go for a short break not too far in the car, so that it was an enjoyable time for us both. Well, he mentioned it to the therapist who told him he should go to Rome (so he's booked it for 4 days) and then I find out that she's been trying to convince him to go on a cruise in November where he would have to catch a plane! Of course, if he comes to Rome with me he has no excuse not to go on that trip with her and their two other friends! Even if I get to go to Rome, I don't think it's a good idea for him right now.*
It seems to me like she's manipulating him and he's depending on her. He phones her to consult everything he does - if he should have the kids that weekend, if he should take that meeting at work... He even called her the other day because his stomach was hurting and when he couldn't get hold of her he became all anxious! *
I am not talking with him right now because it was yesterday that he told me he was going to buy a dog with her and we had an argument over the phone about it. He was extremely defensive telling me he didn't know why I would be so upset that he didn't need my permission to buy a dog. I asked him if he thought it was healthy to buy a dog with his therapist and he said he didn't see anything wrong. Acting in denial. He has huge responsibilities and commitments in his life. I told him I didn't think buying a dog was a good thing for him right now and he answered " who are you, my therapist?" all sarcastically.
I know and am positive that it's not a sexual relationship they have and that he's definitely not interested in her in that way. He's manipulating her to get an "easy life" without having to face the group with his issues all the time but he's depending on her now and it's scaring me. Talking about their relationship is a taboo and he defends her like crazy all the time. She doesn't like that he's in a relationship. She tells him that he can't be in a relationship with anyone because of how he is. I can sense that she envies me, no matter how nice and welcoming I try to be with her. I am planning to confront my boyfriend with this subject and prepared for him to probably attack me back saying I'm evil and trying to destroy his treatment by being jealous of his therapist. I also know that if he tells her, she will stop him from seeing me altogether. But I think that he's in big danger and could probably relapse *if she let's him down sometime. He sees her as the one who practically saved his life and is so scared of relapsing.... Its his biggest fear, of course. How can I tell him that the same person he thinks saved him is probably going to kill him?*
Please help... Sometimes I feel I should fight her and not let her win, but I have to think of me and my happiness too and watching her manipulate him and taking away a his self control and security is killing me inside. He can do this with group therapy and the right support, he doesn't need to depend on anyone, he just needs to be given the confidence. I'm afraid that if I stay with him in this situation I'll be the one picking up the pieces when she lets him down one day.*
Thanking you in advance for your time, advice and thoughts!
I really need some advice from people who are or have been in a similar situation as mine, so I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read me! I am writing from Spain.
I've been dating my boyfriend now for 1year and 8 months. He's a recovering addict and will have been sober for 3 years the 25th august. He goes to group therapy twice per week and is extremely aware of the importance of it and follows almost all the advice he's given. He's also very much in touch with a couple of other recovering addicts from the group and the group therapist.
A part from being an addict, he's also bipolar and takes lithium.*
He has had 2 divorces and has 4 children, 2 from each wife. The youngest is 4yrs and the eldest is 17yrs. My boyfriend is 37yrs. I *am 35, divorced and have 0 children.
I knew his mother for 3 years before I met him and she set us up.*
The first year has been really up and down, his biggest problem was accepting that he was in a relationship. He would say that we're just friends and that he could never get married or have children again (he's had a vasectomy). That's always been fine with me as I don't want children and have also been told I probably couldn't have them anyway. I have read up and spoken to a therapist friend of mine who lives in South Africa about bipolar and also about addiction. I think I understand it pretty well and I'm very comfortable with it and accept it happily as I'm a very tranquil person and things don't get to me easily. I know I'm in love with him, I would spend the rest of my life with him, but his happiness and what is best for him is my main priority.
My boyfriend is a millionaire, I am not a millionaire, but have my own business and have my own *villa with pool and live more than a comfortable lifestyle. I am certainly not interested in his money, his mother set us up and I didn't even know who he was when I met him and liked him.
Both his ex-wives come from farm and lower class backgrounds and went with him for his money. He told me this and i suspect is true as they never worked and try to get more money off him all the time through court cases or blackmail.
I think and am pretty sure that he's becoming dependent on his group therapist. Ever since I've known him I have thought it strange that they have a friendship outside work. His therapist is 51 years old and also a recovering alcoholic. She's divorced with two kids in their late 20's, one is an addict and is in prison and the other is not an addict and has a healthy relationship with his girlfriend. The therapist has been clean for 18 years.
They speak on the phone almost every day, there's a small group of about 4 or 5 of them ( from the group therapy main group)that go on cruises and holidays together about 3 times a year or more. This group consists of the therapist, 2 women in their 50's (one married, the other divorced) and sometimes a guy in his late 50's who's also married.
The last trip they made was a 10 day cruise on my boyfriend's boat with my boyfriend. I am not allowed to go on these trips as I'm not an addict.
What is most upsetting about this particular trip on his boat is that in march he told me that he wouldn't take the boat out this year because it's too expensive to run and his businesses are not going well. Also his latest ex- wife is fighting through courts to get more money and he doesn't want it to look like he can afford to give her more by the judge seeing that he goes on expensive holidays... Well, in May he tells me he is taking the boat out with his friends and therapist just for 4 days somewhere close. I questioned if it was his idea or someone elses... He never lies to me and his expression was like he'd just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar! I reminded him of his responsibilities and told him that I thought his friends might be taking a bit of advantage of him. He replied that sometimes he had to do things because he had a commitment and that it benefitted him too sometimes. It went from a 4 day trip to a 10 day cruise!
I know that taking the boat out was the therapist's encouragement and that she even made him buy her a 1,500€ loewe handbag!!
He's soft and so easily manipulated, it's scary to see. She should be advising him not to spend his money right now! But mainly, shouldn't he be keeping his therapy to group sessions? And is it right that she goes to stay about 3 weekends per year in his house, they go out for dinners ( he always pays) and yesterday he told me they were going to buy a dog together! Yes, splitting the time -15 days each but they live in different cities 2 hours away from each other!
He's afraid of flying and wanted to take me to Rome for my birthday in September, but we discussed it and I I said that I didn't think he was ready to face that fear yet. This would be our first time away together (without his children) and that I thought we should just go for a short break not too far in the car, so that it was an enjoyable time for us both. Well, he mentioned it to the therapist who told him he should go to Rome (so he's booked it for 4 days) and then I find out that she's been trying to convince him to go on a cruise in November where he would have to catch a plane! Of course, if he comes to Rome with me he has no excuse not to go on that trip with her and their two other friends! Even if I get to go to Rome, I don't think it's a good idea for him right now.*
It seems to me like she's manipulating him and he's depending on her. He phones her to consult everything he does - if he should have the kids that weekend, if he should take that meeting at work... He even called her the other day because his stomach was hurting and when he couldn't get hold of her he became all anxious! *
I am not talking with him right now because it was yesterday that he told me he was going to buy a dog with her and we had an argument over the phone about it. He was extremely defensive telling me he didn't know why I would be so upset that he didn't need my permission to buy a dog. I asked him if he thought it was healthy to buy a dog with his therapist and he said he didn't see anything wrong. Acting in denial. He has huge responsibilities and commitments in his life. I told him I didn't think buying a dog was a good thing for him right now and he answered " who are you, my therapist?" all sarcastically.
I know and am positive that it's not a sexual relationship they have and that he's definitely not interested in her in that way. He's manipulating her to get an "easy life" without having to face the group with his issues all the time but he's depending on her now and it's scaring me. Talking about their relationship is a taboo and he defends her like crazy all the time. She doesn't like that he's in a relationship. She tells him that he can't be in a relationship with anyone because of how he is. I can sense that she envies me, no matter how nice and welcoming I try to be with her. I am planning to confront my boyfriend with this subject and prepared for him to probably attack me back saying I'm evil and trying to destroy his treatment by being jealous of his therapist. I also know that if he tells her, she will stop him from seeing me altogether. But I think that he's in big danger and could probably relapse *if she let's him down sometime. He sees her as the one who practically saved his life and is so scared of relapsing.... Its his biggest fear, of course. How can I tell him that the same person he thinks saved him is probably going to kill him?*
Please help... Sometimes I feel I should fight her and not let her win, but I have to think of me and my happiness too and watching her manipulate him and taking away a his self control and security is killing me inside. He can do this with group therapy and the right support, he doesn't need to depend on anyone, he just needs to be given the confidence. I'm afraid that if I stay with him in this situation I'll be the one picking up the pieces when she lets him down one day.*
Thanking you in advance for your time, advice and thoughts!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Maria,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you've found a site that you feel comfortable posting on, I have spent alot of time reading other posts and the stickies at the top.
I am not in a relationship with an addict, it is my son that brought me to SR, so do not have that sort of background, but . . . that being said . . .
I did feel very strongly, while reading your post, that you seem to 'feel' and 'know' alot about your boyfriend and his therapist. I wondered, are you spending as much time focusing on yourself as you are on them?
If you confront your boyfriend with what you are feeling about him and his relationship with his therapist it will most likely end in a fight and perhaps the two of you breaking up...if you don't confront him about what does sound like a very strange relationship between them, can you go on with your relationship with him...it doesn't sound like it. Maybe it is just time to end the relationship, focus on yourself and finding a healthier relationship. IMHO - in my humble opinion.
Good luck Maria with whatever happens. Others will be along with their replies.
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you've found a site that you feel comfortable posting on, I have spent alot of time reading other posts and the stickies at the top.
I am not in a relationship with an addict, it is my son that brought me to SR, so do not have that sort of background, but . . . that being said . . .
I did feel very strongly, while reading your post, that you seem to 'feel' and 'know' alot about your boyfriend and his therapist. I wondered, are you spending as much time focusing on yourself as you are on them?
If you confront your boyfriend with what you are feeling about him and his relationship with his therapist it will most likely end in a fight and perhaps the two of you breaking up...if you don't confront him about what does sound like a very strange relationship between them, can you go on with your relationship with him...it doesn't sound like it. Maybe it is just time to end the relationship, focus on yourself and finding a healthier relationship. IMHO - in my humble opinion.
Good luck Maria with whatever happens. Others will be along with their replies.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Alicante, Spain
Posts: 15
Dear JMF Burns,
Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. I am strongly thinking that the best think for me to do is end it... I have been spending a lot of my time on him... It's hard not to know about their "relationship" because they are always calling or emailing eachother and every decision he makes almost has her name attached to it.
Although finishing the relationship is probably the healthiest thing for me, shouldn't he know why?
Thanks so much
Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. I am strongly thinking that the best think for me to do is end it... I have been spending a lot of my time on him... It's hard not to know about their "relationship" because they are always calling or emailing eachother and every decision he makes almost has her name attached to it.
Although finishing the relationship is probably the healthiest thing for me, shouldn't he know why?
Thanks so much
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I know I'm in love with him, I would spend the rest of my life with him, but his happiness and what is best for him is my main priority.
The line that I highlighted above from your post is the one that stuck out to me. The reason that it stuck out is because this line describes the "old" me to a tee about everyone......except me. That is.....until I realized that it was an unhealthy perspective. I have to take care of myself first and foremost. My happiness and wellbeing has to be my priority--not in a narcisistic or self absorbed way--but in a healthy "take care of myself and be accountable for my own happiness" kind of way.
The relationship your bf has with his therapist certainly sounds strange. But let's just pretend that it is not within your control and you can't change it.....would you be ok with continuing your relationship with him?
If the answer is yes.....then acceptance of the relationship he has with her would be appropriate.
If the answer is no.....
I think this is a really important way for anyone to look at any situation they are in. Is the issue within our control? Are we willing to accept it and continue status quo? If we are expecting things to get better if only someone/something else would change, we need to re-evaluate and make some decisions or we'll be in for a very unhappy battle as we try to control that which we have no control over.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Alicante, Spain
Posts: 15
Dear Kindeyes,
What you say really makes sense. Who am I to try to change anything in his life, either I accept it or move on... It's an important factor in the relationship because I feel I'm dating her as well! Writing here has also made me discover that I'm codependent so... I think the answer is looking me in the eyes...
If I have the strength to finish this, should I tell him Why I am?
Big hugs.... Sooooo grateful for your advice
What you say really makes sense. Who am I to try to change anything in his life, either I accept it or move on... It's an important factor in the relationship because I feel I'm dating her as well! Writing here has also made me discover that I'm codependent so... I think the answer is looking me in the eyes...
If I have the strength to finish this, should I tell him Why I am?
Big hugs.... Sooooo grateful for your advice
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
Maria,
I definitely feel there is a lot of benefit in explaining your reasoning behind your decision to him. It's closure for you. Even if it does nothing, if you have things you need to say, then you should say them. Some people will say "What's the point?", but when I provide reasons then I can walk away knowing that I made myself clear. He knows what I'm thinking and how I feel. And, I've said it out loud which is always helpful for me in terms of closure.
As far as his relationship with his therapist, I do think it's unprofessional to associate with a patient outside of therapy sessions. And, his therapist should be trying to get him to be more independent - not less. It seems like she enjoys the attention and the power she has over him. That's sad, not to mention borderline malpractice in my opinion!
In regards to the relationship, I personally wouldn't want a man who needed to consult a maternal figure every time he needed to make a decision. It's like he's running to his mommy to ask for permission. Very weird and definitely not something I would want to participate in or observe. The whole thing sounds very unhealthy.
I definitely feel there is a lot of benefit in explaining your reasoning behind your decision to him. It's closure for you. Even if it does nothing, if you have things you need to say, then you should say them. Some people will say "What's the point?", but when I provide reasons then I can walk away knowing that I made myself clear. He knows what I'm thinking and how I feel. And, I've said it out loud which is always helpful for me in terms of closure.
As far as his relationship with his therapist, I do think it's unprofessional to associate with a patient outside of therapy sessions. And, his therapist should be trying to get him to be more independent - not less. It seems like she enjoys the attention and the power she has over him. That's sad, not to mention borderline malpractice in my opinion!
In regards to the relationship, I personally wouldn't want a man who needed to consult a maternal figure every time he needed to make a decision. It's like he's running to his mommy to ask for permission. Very weird and definitely not something I would want to participate in or observe. The whole thing sounds very unhealthy.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Mariacombat 
I've been dating my boyfriend now for 1year and 8 months.
He has had 2 divorces and has 4 children, 2 from each wife. The youngest is 4yrs and the eldest is 17yrs. My boyfriend is 37yrs. I *am 35, divorced and have 0 children.
The first year has been really up and down, his biggest problem was accepting that he was in a relationship. He would say that we're just friends and that he could never get married or have children again (he's had a vasectomy).
belief we know what's best for them and to save them from the consequences of their choices. We obsess about who our loved ones could be, if only they did as we expect them to do. We are also expert mind readers and fortune tellers. And we always rationalize what we think and do.
The more we obsess about our loved one, the less we focus on our own issues. Rather convenient, eh.
Your BF is 37 and appears capable of good income. Is it reasonable to assume he is not the village idiot?
All things considered, he sounds rather grounded. He does not want a traditional relationship or to marry again. His actions suggest this has not changed as time as gone on.
He has a social life that does not include you. He takes cruises with his recovering friends and does not include you. He has a social relationship with his therapist which will include joint custody of a dog. A tad bizarre.
He has 4 underage chidren from prior marriages and has a moral and financial obligation to them. What does it matter if his ex wives are farm people? They are the mothers of his children.
Can you accept him as is/where is ?
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Alicante, Spain
Posts: 15
Hi Outtolunch,
Thank you do much for your long reply. That's the question, can I accept his as and where he is? Probably not. I love him and his family, but his relationship with his therapist I don't like. He decides almost everything we do with her advice or opinion... I feel as if this is a 3 people relationship. If she says jump - he jumps.
I love him but as many say here, we can't have a relationship on love alone. And I'm not happy lately,this is bugging me and so I find fault with every silly little thing he does. I can't carry on like this. I have to tell him...
He'll probably think I'm jealous of her or something... But if I follow the right way and think of me and what's good for me I shouldn't care about why he thinks it is, correct?
Thanks for your help!
Thank you do much for your long reply. That's the question, can I accept his as and where he is? Probably not. I love him and his family, but his relationship with his therapist I don't like. He decides almost everything we do with her advice or opinion... I feel as if this is a 3 people relationship. If she says jump - he jumps.
I love him but as many say here, we can't have a relationship on love alone. And I'm not happy lately,this is bugging me and so I find fault with every silly little thing he does. I can't carry on like this. I have to tell him...
He'll probably think I'm jealous of her or something... But if I follow the right way and think of me and what's good for me I shouldn't care about why he thinks it is, correct?
Thanks for your help!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Hi!
It sounds like you are sorting this through and getting to the point where you are focusing on your own happiness. I have to say - your friend's relationship with his therapist is unique to say the least. Unusual boundaries exist when a client/therapist are going to share a dog!
I was married to a man that is intrically tied to his ex wife. Nothing sexual but in every other way. In fact, I called her "alpha wife". It damaged, interferred, and ultimately contributed to the demise of our marriage. Having a third person in a partnership (whether a former spouse or therapist) is difficult at best. I didn't like how it made me feel and I became really unhappy. I finally ended my marriage for many reasons - but that was a big one. I have been much happier since I took that step. It has been difficult but I realize that I am much better off in the long run.
Maybe your friend will consider you to be jealous but that really doesn't matter. You know that you aren't and that is all that really matters. It's simple enough to say that you are just not comfortable with an arrangement. My former husband wants to say that I am jealous, don't like his ex wife, etc. and it's not true. What I didn't like was making someone important in my life that didn't give an equal commitment back to me.
Hope thing are going well for you!
It sounds like you are sorting this through and getting to the point where you are focusing on your own happiness. I have to say - your friend's relationship with his therapist is unique to say the least. Unusual boundaries exist when a client/therapist are going to share a dog!
I was married to a man that is intrically tied to his ex wife. Nothing sexual but in every other way. In fact, I called her "alpha wife". It damaged, interferred, and ultimately contributed to the demise of our marriage. Having a third person in a partnership (whether a former spouse or therapist) is difficult at best. I didn't like how it made me feel and I became really unhappy. I finally ended my marriage for many reasons - but that was a big one. I have been much happier since I took that step. It has been difficult but I realize that I am much better off in the long run.
Maybe your friend will consider you to be jealous but that really doesn't matter. You know that you aren't and that is all that really matters. It's simple enough to say that you are just not comfortable with an arrangement. My former husband wants to say that I am jealous, don't like his ex wife, etc. and it's not true. What I didn't like was making someone important in my life that didn't give an equal commitment back to me.
Hope thing are going well for you!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
If I have the strength to finish this, should I tell him Why I am?
I have found that often the person I am trying to explain something like this to will turn it around to be "my problem". And they're right. It is my problem. It is also my choice to solve my problem in the manner that I feel is best for me.
gentle hugs
ke
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