The Haunting
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The Haunting
28 years after a divorce.....I am going downtown today to file a harassment complaint and restraining order against my exhusband.
I made a huge mistake a few months ago.
I allowed my exhusband's enabling sister convince me that her brother needed my support because of our son's addiction. She said "He's not doing well. I think he can help with your son if you just let him." I thought.....well....I can handle this even though I had had no contact with him for about 10-15 years. I had long ago let go of the anger and resentment and hoped that he had matured and done the same.
It started out ok......for a month or so. He seemed sincerely concerned about our son and seemed to have let the past go. I shared what I had learned in my program of recovery and encouraged him to seek help in the rooms of Alanon. I thought of Step 9 "Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." I hoped that this would be the opportunity for us each to own the harm we had done to one another.
Oh my.....there I was trying to "fix" something that was not within my power to fix. I had so easily fallen for my ex sister-in-laws gentle encouragement for "the sake of my son" to allow contact with my exhusband to begin again. It has become a haunting.
It started out of the blue one day. Ex called me and began to tell me all of the "things" that me, my husband, my family did to cause my son's addiction. I knew this was headed in a bad direction. I excused myself from the conversation and decided that it would be best to discontinue contact.
Then the texting began. Serial texting. Evidently text messages can only be a short message....but if it's too long.....it goes into a series of messages BING BING BING. My cell phone started sounding like a slot machine! I put up with it without responding (other than to ask him to leave me in peace) for about three days before I changed my cell number to make it stop.
It didn't stop. He was able to get my home telephone number (it is listed) and my business telephone number (which I can't change for obvious reasons). And then he began leaving voicemails that were so crazy on my home telephone and on my work voice messaging system. The embarassing part is the voicemails at work were on a general delivery voicemail box so all of our employees got the opportunity to listen to his ravings. The insanity is a rehashing of everything he feels I have done to ruin his life and cause our son's addiction.
I divorced my exhusband 28 years ago. He is an addict and alcoholic. I am doing today what I should have done 28 years ago but didn't have the knowledge, the program or the courage to do.
I am sharing this because:
1. Alcoholism and addiction is a progressive disease and couple that with the blame game and the insanity that comes from long term drug and alcohol abuse......we can't fix them. The old adage of "Let a dead dog lie" is very true. I shouldn't have let my exh's sister (who is very sweet and kind with the best of intentions) influence me.
2. Step 9 states clearly......Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. "Others" can be others but it can also mean "ourselves". There is no way to make amends to someone who has historically been unable to accept personal accountability. This renewed contact, orchestrated by his kind but enabling sister, was very bad for me, for my exhusband, and for my son. All of us were harmed.
3. We still (and always will) make mistakes but fixing them appropriately is easier when we have a program of recovery.
4. I allowed my son to see my exhusband every other weekend for many years while he was growing up. I knew my ex had a drug and alcohol (and associated psychological issues) problem--but it was just pot and beer (lol)-- but I thought "he'd never hurt our son purposefully and he has the right to see him--he is his father" even though he didn't pay child support. I felt the two issues were separate and two wrongs didn't make a right. I now realize how much damage my exhusband's venomous hatred of me and drug and alcohol problem burdened our son. They became drinking and drugging buddies. I hope my story will help others understand that a parent who abuses drugs and alcohol is unable to parent appropriately and the healthy parent is responsible for protecting children from harm. I didn't do it until it was too late. I didn't set appropriate boundaries.
This is my confession. This is the haunting that has come about because I let it happen. I was a participant. And here I am.....28 years later.....doing what should have happened a very long time ago.....filing a restraining order....to stop the incessant messages that are disrupting my serenity.
gentle hugs
ke
I made a huge mistake a few months ago.
I allowed my exhusband's enabling sister convince me that her brother needed my support because of our son's addiction. She said "He's not doing well. I think he can help with your son if you just let him." I thought.....well....I can handle this even though I had had no contact with him for about 10-15 years. I had long ago let go of the anger and resentment and hoped that he had matured and done the same.
It started out ok......for a month or so. He seemed sincerely concerned about our son and seemed to have let the past go. I shared what I had learned in my program of recovery and encouraged him to seek help in the rooms of Alanon. I thought of Step 9 "Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." I hoped that this would be the opportunity for us each to own the harm we had done to one another.
Oh my.....there I was trying to "fix" something that was not within my power to fix. I had so easily fallen for my ex sister-in-laws gentle encouragement for "the sake of my son" to allow contact with my exhusband to begin again. It has become a haunting.
It started out of the blue one day. Ex called me and began to tell me all of the "things" that me, my husband, my family did to cause my son's addiction. I knew this was headed in a bad direction. I excused myself from the conversation and decided that it would be best to discontinue contact.
Then the texting began. Serial texting. Evidently text messages can only be a short message....but if it's too long.....it goes into a series of messages BING BING BING. My cell phone started sounding like a slot machine! I put up with it without responding (other than to ask him to leave me in peace) for about three days before I changed my cell number to make it stop.
It didn't stop. He was able to get my home telephone number (it is listed) and my business telephone number (which I can't change for obvious reasons). And then he began leaving voicemails that were so crazy on my home telephone and on my work voice messaging system. The embarassing part is the voicemails at work were on a general delivery voicemail box so all of our employees got the opportunity to listen to his ravings. The insanity is a rehashing of everything he feels I have done to ruin his life and cause our son's addiction.
I divorced my exhusband 28 years ago. He is an addict and alcoholic. I am doing today what I should have done 28 years ago but didn't have the knowledge, the program or the courage to do.
I am sharing this because:
1. Alcoholism and addiction is a progressive disease and couple that with the blame game and the insanity that comes from long term drug and alcohol abuse......we can't fix them. The old adage of "Let a dead dog lie" is very true. I shouldn't have let my exh's sister (who is very sweet and kind with the best of intentions) influence me.
2. Step 9 states clearly......Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. "Others" can be others but it can also mean "ourselves". There is no way to make amends to someone who has historically been unable to accept personal accountability. This renewed contact, orchestrated by his kind but enabling sister, was very bad for me, for my exhusband, and for my son. All of us were harmed.
3. We still (and always will) make mistakes but fixing them appropriately is easier when we have a program of recovery.
4. I allowed my son to see my exhusband every other weekend for many years while he was growing up. I knew my ex had a drug and alcohol (and associated psychological issues) problem--but it was just pot and beer (lol)-- but I thought "he'd never hurt our son purposefully and he has the right to see him--he is his father" even though he didn't pay child support. I felt the two issues were separate and two wrongs didn't make a right. I now realize how much damage my exhusband's venomous hatred of me and drug and alcohol problem burdened our son. They became drinking and drugging buddies. I hope my story will help others understand that a parent who abuses drugs and alcohol is unable to parent appropriately and the healthy parent is responsible for protecting children from harm. I didn't do it until it was too late. I didn't set appropriate boundaries.
This is my confession. This is the haunting that has come about because I let it happen. I was a participant. And here I am.....28 years later.....doing what should have happened a very long time ago.....filing a restraining order....to stop the incessant messages that are disrupting my serenity.
gentle hugs
ke
. I'm glad that your strong program allowed you to take the actions needed now to protect yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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"I allowed my son to see my exhusband every other weekend for many years while he was growing up. I knew my ex had a drug and alcohol (and associated psychological issues) problem--but it was just pot and beer (lol)-- but I thought "he'd never hurt our son purposefully and he has the right to see him--he is his father" even though he didn't pay child support. I felt the two issues were separate and two wrongs didn't make a right. I now realize how much damage my exhusband's venomous hatred of me and drug and alcohol problem burdened our son. They became drinking and drugging buddies. I hope my story will help others understand that a parent who abuses drugs and alcohol is unable to parent appropriately and the healthy parent is responsible for protecting children from harm. I didn't do it until it was too late. I didn't set appropriate boundaries."
I found this to be a very powerful statement, and one I needed to hear. My ex partner stopped seeing our son of his own volition, and, of course, tells anyone who will listen that I stopped the contact. Sometimes I ask if I could have done more, but given his lifestyle and the company he now keeps, I am glad that my son no longer visits. He is only 6 years old, and I do NOT want him growing up thinking that alcoholism/crime/drug abuse is acceptable. Neither do I want him learning to deal with life with an alcoholic mind-set and warped emotional development. Hope all is well with you soon. Thank you.
I found this to be a very powerful statement, and one I needed to hear. My ex partner stopped seeing our son of his own volition, and, of course, tells anyone who will listen that I stopped the contact. Sometimes I ask if I could have done more, but given his lifestyle and the company he now keeps, I am glad that my son no longer visits. He is only 6 years old, and I do NOT want him growing up thinking that alcoholism/crime/drug abuse is acceptable. Neither do I want him learning to deal with life with an alcoholic mind-set and warped emotional development. Hope all is well with you soon. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
"I allowed my son to see my exhusband every other weekend for many years while he was growing up. I knew my ex had a drug and alcohol (and associated psychological issues) problem--but it was just pot and beer (lol)-- but I thought "he'd never hurt our son purposefully and he has the right to see him--he is his father" even though he didn't pay child support. I felt the two issues were separate and two wrongs didn't make a right. I now realize how much damage my exhusband's venomous hatred of me and drug and alcohol problem burdened our son. They became drinking and drugging buddies. I hope my story will help others understand that a parent who abuses drugs and alcohol is unable to parent appropriately and the healthy parent is responsible for protecting children from harm. I didn't do it until it was too late. I didn't set appropriate boundaries."
I found this to be a very powerful statement, and one I needed to hear. My ex partner stopped seeing our son of his own volition, and, of course, tells anyone who will listen that I stopped the contact. Sometimes I ask if I could have done more, but given his lifestyle and the company he now keeps, I am glad that my son no longer visits. He is only 6 years old, and I do NOT want him growing up thinking that alcoholism/crime/drug abuse is acceptable. Neither do I want him learning to deal with life with an alcoholic mind-set and warped emotional development. Hope all is well with you soon. Thank you.
I found this to be a very powerful statement, and one I needed to hear. My ex partner stopped seeing our son of his own volition, and, of course, tells anyone who will listen that I stopped the contact. Sometimes I ask if I could have done more, but given his lifestyle and the company he now keeps, I am glad that my son no longer visits. He is only 6 years old, and I do NOT want him growing up thinking that alcoholism/crime/drug abuse is acceptable. Neither do I want him learning to deal with life with an alcoholic mind-set and warped emotional development. Hope all is well with you soon. Thank you.
The illogical, irractic and unpredicatable behavior of a drug addict is devestating to a childs development. We know this, but still, it is so difficult to take a child and walk away from a person that we love and think we were going to make a family with. It's so hard to cut off contact.
In my case, I was able to do it early on - when my son was 4. Not early enough though. My son talks about his father nearly every day and sometimes I feel like I made a mistake. But Kindeyes, your post helps me remember that I made the wise choice. Your post gives me the courage to face the day alone.
Also though, we can't beat ourselves up over past decisions. Just don't go down that road. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
Enjoy the sun today and good luck with the restraining order. Gentle hugs back at you.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Kindeyes,
Wow.....what a powerful message and I really appreciate how you are able to share it with us. I am sure that there are many people that will be helped by your honesty.
I, for one, certainly can see how easy it is to slip back into communication with someone that we hope is doing better. Especially when there is the thought that it might help our child. You have responded quickly though to what turned out to be a difficult situation. There is no way to go back in the past - though I have spent my time on regrets too......we have to remember that we do better when we know better.
Good luck with the process and I hope that it will quiet the man down....thinking about you. Donna
Wow.....what a powerful message and I really appreciate how you are able to share it with us. I am sure that there are many people that will be helped by your honesty.
I, for one, certainly can see how easy it is to slip back into communication with someone that we hope is doing better. Especially when there is the thought that it might help our child. You have responded quickly though to what turned out to be a difficult situation. There is no way to go back in the past - though I have spent my time on regrets too......we have to remember that we do better when we know better.
Good luck with the process and I hope that it will quiet the man down....thinking about you. Donna
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hello Kindeyes: ((Hugs)) to you. I have a similar story to yours.
Consider this, though. If you had restricted your son from visiting his father, your son might have glorified the father in his own mind, sought him out later, and started drinking/drugging with him.
I have 3 sons. They all visited their father every other weekend until about middle school. 2 of the sons decided that their father was not anyone to emulate. I would be surprised if they ever shared a beer with their father, even though their father let them know that they could as early as high school. The third son (the addicted one) used to (and maybe still does) get high with his father.
What I'm saying is that all our sons have their paths. If my AS did not have a desire to use alcohol/drugs then there would have been nothing in this world his father could have done to make him go down that path.
Hope that helps. If not, take what you like and leave the rest.
But I am going to take your advice about never starting up contact with the ex-husband, never never never.....
Consider this, though. If you had restricted your son from visiting his father, your son might have glorified the father in his own mind, sought him out later, and started drinking/drugging with him.
I have 3 sons. They all visited their father every other weekend until about middle school. 2 of the sons decided that their father was not anyone to emulate. I would be surprised if they ever shared a beer with their father, even though their father let them know that they could as early as high school. The third son (the addicted one) used to (and maybe still does) get high with his father.
What I'm saying is that all our sons have their paths. If my AS did not have a desire to use alcohol/drugs then there would have been nothing in this world his father could have done to make him go down that path.
Hope that helps. If not, take what you like and leave the rest.
But I am going to take your advice about never starting up contact with the ex-husband, never never never.....
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((KE))
We learn what we are suppose to learn when we need to learn it -
You have learned the painful lesson that sometimes no matter what - you can't allow unhealthy people in your life. I am so proud for you for taking the steps to keep him OUT of your life and to protect yourself from his dysfunction. What courage that will give the next one of us that has to walk that road!!
I pray that the restraining order works and your life is restored to peaceful harmony.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
We learn what we are suppose to learn when we need to learn it -
You have learned the painful lesson that sometimes no matter what - you can't allow unhealthy people in your life. I am so proud for you for taking the steps to keep him OUT of your life and to protect yourself from his dysfunction. What courage that will give the next one of us that has to walk that road!!
I pray that the restraining order works and your life is restored to peaceful harmony.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Ok. I'm back from the court house. I think I will share this process so that others who may be considering it may be able to gleen some useful bits of information.
I filed early this morning so my initial court appearance was scheduled for this afternoon. It was done in a small but open courtroom setting and there were several other people in the room as well. Two ladies went up in front of the judge first. Both of them had situations where implied and threatening behavior had occurred by the parties they were filing against--both were denied temporary protective orders!! I thought "well if theirs were denied, mine certainly will be" since there have been no specific threats of physical violence from my axh.
I was called up. Sworn in and the judge stated that she had read my filed report and asked me to explain it further which I did. I told my truth clearly and consisely and did not embellish. She said that because of the length of time that we had been divorced, the fact that our son is 30 and there is no logical reason for axh to be contacting me, and the unusual and unnecessary purpose of his calls (just to harass me), she granted the temporary order of antiharassment protection.
It is now my responsibility to get the document served on him before the actual court appearance in two weeks. Xah will have the right to state his case and I will have the opportunity to state my case and play the tape recorded messages. The difficult part now is to get the papers served but I have some advocates with the police department who will hopefully help me get the documents to him. I do not know exactly where he lives but I do have his telephone number. They may be able to get his address from the cellular telephone company records or from welfare.
I feel that I am taking the appropriate legal action to prevent him from ever contacting me again. It is empowering.....and long overdue.
I hope that sharing my experience will help someone out there who doesn't know how to "make it stop". There is a way to do it through legal channels. My temporary antiharassement protection order (which should become permanent in two weeks) states that he cannot contact me in any way, "by email, text, telephone, directly, indirectly or through a third party" and cannot come within 500 feet of my home or business locations. This will also prevent his sister from contacting me (I hope).
This is a humbling, somewhat humiliating process, but I'm glad that I have the courage to do it.
Thank you all for your kind words of support. I'm doing ok. I don't feel like a victim. I feel that I have the serenity to accept that things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can......and finally.....the wisdom to know the difference!
gentle hugs to you all
ke
I filed early this morning so my initial court appearance was scheduled for this afternoon. It was done in a small but open courtroom setting and there were several other people in the room as well. Two ladies went up in front of the judge first. Both of them had situations where implied and threatening behavior had occurred by the parties they were filing against--both were denied temporary protective orders!! I thought "well if theirs were denied, mine certainly will be" since there have been no specific threats of physical violence from my axh.
I was called up. Sworn in and the judge stated that she had read my filed report and asked me to explain it further which I did. I told my truth clearly and consisely and did not embellish. She said that because of the length of time that we had been divorced, the fact that our son is 30 and there is no logical reason for axh to be contacting me, and the unusual and unnecessary purpose of his calls (just to harass me), she granted the temporary order of antiharassment protection.
It is now my responsibility to get the document served on him before the actual court appearance in two weeks. Xah will have the right to state his case and I will have the opportunity to state my case and play the tape recorded messages. The difficult part now is to get the papers served but I have some advocates with the police department who will hopefully help me get the documents to him. I do not know exactly where he lives but I do have his telephone number. They may be able to get his address from the cellular telephone company records or from welfare.
I feel that I am taking the appropriate legal action to prevent him from ever contacting me again. It is empowering.....and long overdue.
I hope that sharing my experience will help someone out there who doesn't know how to "make it stop". There is a way to do it through legal channels. My temporary antiharassement protection order (which should become permanent in two weeks) states that he cannot contact me in any way, "by email, text, telephone, directly, indirectly or through a third party" and cannot come within 500 feet of my home or business locations. This will also prevent his sister from contacting me (I hope).
This is a humbling, somewhat humiliating process, but I'm glad that I have the courage to do it.
Thank you all for your kind words of support. I'm doing ok. I don't feel like a victim. I feel that I have the serenity to accept that things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can......and finally.....the wisdom to know the difference!
gentle hugs to you all
ke
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by sojourner 
Consider this, though. If you had restricted your son from visiting his father, your son might have glorified the father in his own mind, sought him out later, and started drinking/drugging with him.
Kindeyes, I just want to tell you that I've done the same thing. It's like I lost all sense and somehow thought my ex and I would present some united parenting front. Yeah, not so much. If we never presented that during the marriage, then what made me think it would magically appear after the divorce?? Sigh. Just because I let go of anger and resentment from the marriage and the divorce didn't mean he changed. I think my guard was down because I wasn't harboring negative feelings anymore.
Needless to say, my ex's involvement with my son was far from effective and far from supportive. It was actually damaging. It was exactly what it always was. And I got dragged under the bus again. Everything was all my fault again.
I guess the good thing that came out of it... due to my program work... is that I quickly erected a mile high boundary... more like a fortress... between me and my ex. It has a very strong foundation. Cement, of course. It is capable of withstanding tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes and drama of all sorts. Like you mention, it is a boundary I should have built a long time ago.
Thank you for sharing this because it's good to see that it's never too late to do the right thing.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Thank you for sharing. And I'm so sorry you have been dealing with this. Hard to believe really. What did he have to gain from harassing you like that? Strange. But still I'm sure it was horrible to go through that.
I am grateful for what you shared since I am often beating myself up over instituting supervised visitation for my husband with the kids. I have had him chastise me over it, and have had others question why it's necessary. But when I hear something like this I realize that I have to stick it out until he ever chooses to take a better path in life. It's likely that may never happen. Meanwhile, I can relax knowing that my kids are not in an inappropriate environment with him.
I am grateful for what you shared since I am often beating myself up over instituting supervised visitation for my husband with the kids. I have had him chastise me over it, and have had others question why it's necessary. But when I hear something like this I realize that I have to stick it out until he ever chooses to take a better path in life. It's likely that may never happen. Meanwhile, I can relax knowing that my kids are not in an inappropriate environment with him.
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And here's another sad truth. In my state, non-payment of child support is no reason to restrict visitation. I could face jail time if I did that. I had put in the divorce papers that the bio dad could only have supervised visitation if he started drinking/drugging (he had a diagnosis of addiction and had been in a treatment facility). But how in the world was I supposed to know if he started drinking/drugging again? And I really believe no judge in the world would agree to supervised visits if the bio dad produced witnesses saying he was always sober during the time the kids were with him.
I agree with Dr. Laura on that one. But being in the trenches with this particular issue is way different than what should happen in theory. When those kids were at his house, I was on my knees in prayer A LOT.
But the bottom line, for me, in this post is DO NOT GET TOO CLOSE TO THE EX-HUSBAND. If they are still continuing with active addiction then they are way more mentally unstable than when we had close contact with them years ago.... Thanks KindEyes.
I agree with Dr. Laura on that one. But being in the trenches with this particular issue is way different than what should happen in theory. When those kids were at his house, I was on my knees in prayer A LOT.
But the bottom line, for me, in this post is DO NOT GET TOO CLOSE TO THE EX-HUSBAND. If they are still continuing with active addiction then they are way more mentally unstable than when we had close contact with them years ago.... Thanks KindEyes.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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Consider this, though. If you had restricted your son from visiting his father, your son might have glorified the father in his own mind, sought him out later, and started drinking/drugging with him.
Right or wrong in the long run? I don't know. But it's the best I can come up with for a hurtful, difficult situation.
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