He's told me I'm crazy and blowing things out of proportion. Maybe I am?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 2
He's told me I'm crazy and blowing things out of proportion. Maybe I am?
Hello, I apologize in advance if this isn't the right place for my post.
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 children and he has two children from a previous marriage - ages range 2-17. I love my kids and step kids more than anything in the world and I hate that they think their dad's drinking is 'just one of those things'. My step daughter told me that she's 'used to her dad being drunk' and it killed me. No child should ever have to 'be used to' that.
My husband doesn't think he has a problem and tells me that I'm blowing it all out of proportion. Maybe he's right? I don't know. What is a functioning alcoholic? I've heard that term before, but I don't know what it is....maybe that's what he is?
My husband has always "liked his beer". He drinks every day even though on weekdays he won't drink during work hours, but will drink the moment he gets off of work and all night until he passes out on the couch. The weekends are more of a free-for-all as long as he doesn't have a side job. His drinking doesn't affect his job, and he doesn't go out to bars, he drinks at home. He doesn't blow our money and is very meticulous with our bank account. He only drinks liquor every once in a while. These are the reasons why he thinks he doesn't have a problem.
I beg to differ. Although it doesn't affect his job, it affects our marriage and it affects his relationship with our children (I include my step-children when I say our children as I am very close with them and have been in their lives since they were babies). Although he only drinks liquor every once in a while, he loses control of himself when he does. Although he doesn't drink during work hours and respects his father enough to not drink around him (actually hides beer cans when his dad comes to our house), he is usually drunk or passed out during the times he's home. So I believe it is a problem.
I never thought about finding help for myself, but now I don't know what else to do. We go through these cycles where everything will be absolutely fine, his drinking seems under control and we're for the most part happy. Then he'll drink progressively more....bring home a bottle of Jack and it's just that one bottle...right? But then that bottle will last a few days and within those few days we've fought and argued constantly...not just us, but he'll pick arguments with the kids. Finally something big happens, either he gets verbally abusive towards me or there's something that makes me say "that's it..." and I am ready for it to stop. I've told him over and over that he's going to end up losing me & the kids if he continues to choose alcohol over our family and he turns it all on me....all of the sudden, I'm the one with the problems, I don't clean the house enough, or I don't cook dinner well enough, the socks are never matched, you name it...
Then he promises to stop drinking....so he stops for 2 weeks, then the next week he is drinking 2/3 beers a day....then a few weeks later, he's back to drinking at least a 6 pack a day with probably 18 packs during the weekends....then back to the bottle of liquor and then our big blow up, then it starts all over again...
I can't tell you how many, "Okay, but the next time this happens...." I've said. I've gotten to the point where I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. I'm angry with myself. Why do I think that this next time is going to be different? How do I get myself to grow some cajones and stand up and not take this anymore?
I love him and it's not like he's a horrible person (when he's not drinking) but I sat with my kids and we tried to count how many "family outings" (even simple 'let's go to the store together' outings) we've been on where we didn't have to wait for him to down a few beers before we left. We came up with 0.
I honestly do not want us to be apart, we do love eachother....but I do not want to live this way for the rest of my life either....and my children deserve way better than this.
SO I guess this is my start....I'm hoping to grow and learn to stand up for myself and my kids. I keep thinking and hoping, if he'd quit drinking, everything would be better.....
Is there hope for me?
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 children and he has two children from a previous marriage - ages range 2-17. I love my kids and step kids more than anything in the world and I hate that they think their dad's drinking is 'just one of those things'. My step daughter told me that she's 'used to her dad being drunk' and it killed me. No child should ever have to 'be used to' that.
My husband doesn't think he has a problem and tells me that I'm blowing it all out of proportion. Maybe he's right? I don't know. What is a functioning alcoholic? I've heard that term before, but I don't know what it is....maybe that's what he is?
My husband has always "liked his beer". He drinks every day even though on weekdays he won't drink during work hours, but will drink the moment he gets off of work and all night until he passes out on the couch. The weekends are more of a free-for-all as long as he doesn't have a side job. His drinking doesn't affect his job, and he doesn't go out to bars, he drinks at home. He doesn't blow our money and is very meticulous with our bank account. He only drinks liquor every once in a while. These are the reasons why he thinks he doesn't have a problem.
I beg to differ. Although it doesn't affect his job, it affects our marriage and it affects his relationship with our children (I include my step-children when I say our children as I am very close with them and have been in their lives since they were babies). Although he only drinks liquor every once in a while, he loses control of himself when he does. Although he doesn't drink during work hours and respects his father enough to not drink around him (actually hides beer cans when his dad comes to our house), he is usually drunk or passed out during the times he's home. So I believe it is a problem.
I never thought about finding help for myself, but now I don't know what else to do. We go through these cycles where everything will be absolutely fine, his drinking seems under control and we're for the most part happy. Then he'll drink progressively more....bring home a bottle of Jack and it's just that one bottle...right? But then that bottle will last a few days and within those few days we've fought and argued constantly...not just us, but he'll pick arguments with the kids. Finally something big happens, either he gets verbally abusive towards me or there's something that makes me say "that's it..." and I am ready for it to stop. I've told him over and over that he's going to end up losing me & the kids if he continues to choose alcohol over our family and he turns it all on me....all of the sudden, I'm the one with the problems, I don't clean the house enough, or I don't cook dinner well enough, the socks are never matched, you name it...
Then he promises to stop drinking....so he stops for 2 weeks, then the next week he is drinking 2/3 beers a day....then a few weeks later, he's back to drinking at least a 6 pack a day with probably 18 packs during the weekends....then back to the bottle of liquor and then our big blow up, then it starts all over again...
I can't tell you how many, "Okay, but the next time this happens...." I've said. I've gotten to the point where I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. I'm angry with myself. Why do I think that this next time is going to be different? How do I get myself to grow some cajones and stand up and not take this anymore?
I love him and it's not like he's a horrible person (when he's not drinking) but I sat with my kids and we tried to count how many "family outings" (even simple 'let's go to the store together' outings) we've been on where we didn't have to wait for him to down a few beers before we left. We came up with 0.
I honestly do not want us to be apart, we do love eachother....but I do not want to live this way for the rest of my life either....and my children deserve way better than this.
SO I guess this is my start....I'm hoping to grow and learn to stand up for myself and my kids. I keep thinking and hoping, if he'd quit drinking, everything would be better.....
Is there hope for me?
Last edited by pluffmud; 08-07-2011 at 01:58 PM. Reason: wasn't finished writing post
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi, welcome to our world, one of disappointment and stress.
Yes, there is hope for you, continue to work on you, go to Alanon meetings, read up on alcoholism, this is one awful progressive disease. Perhaps he is not not nasty today, however, if he keeps drinking, he will become an abusive a...hole, not my rules, just how it works.
There is alot of great information here on setting bounderies, read around the forum, it will help.
We are here for you, so, keep posting.
Yes, there is hope for you, continue to work on you, go to Alanon meetings, read up on alcoholism, this is one awful progressive disease. Perhaps he is not not nasty today, however, if he keeps drinking, he will become an abusive a...hole, not my rules, just how it works.
There is alot of great information here on setting bounderies, read around the forum, it will help.
We are here for you, so, keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Do you feel crazy? You don't sound crazy. You sound like his drinking has impacted your life in a negative way.
Have you considered getting help for yourself? My experience in dealing with others is that the only way I ever truly feel better is getting help for myself. I cannot change anyone else.
Have you considered getting help for yourself? My experience in dealing with others is that the only way I ever truly feel better is getting help for myself. I cannot change anyone else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 2
Thank you! I'm trying to learn as much as I can. I feel like I've been through so many years of 'just one more chance' to the point where I need to do something. He's gotten nasty before, just through screaming and name calling, never physically......thus far. I am actually going to try a meeting tonight, so I don't know if it's the right thing for me to do, but I have to do something to feel like I'm moving forward.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Welcome to our community. There will be some great wisdom coming along soon to share E,S,& H with you.
You may want to peruse the stickies ^ above (the permanent posts) to get more information.
It's a tough spot to second guess yourself, and we've all questioned ourselves many times in our situation.
Another great resource is The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, a copy of which you may find online. I learned a lot about the disease and how it progresses within the pages of that book.
An encouraging book I picked up for daily devotions is "Courage to Change" by Al-anon. One of our members here in SR kindly takes the time to post the messages here on a daily basis.
After I got the information about my (ex?)(R?)ABF's alcoholism, I knew it affected my little family and me. My thinking and my reactions felt 'off'. It helped me to pick up a copy of Melody Beattie's book, "Codependent No More". What an eye-opener!
These were in addition to the face-to-face support I have been receiving in real life Al-anon meetings. A hint about those: some of us have had to attend a few different ones to find the one that 'fits' for us.
With careful steps forward, my journey is still just beginning, but I can tell you that right now, I feel much stronger.
Peace, and Blessings,
skipper
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 120
Hi and welcome,
As this disease progresses with your husband, things will of course, get worse. You can use the search function on here to look up answers to questions that will arise in the future, or better yet, get involved with alanon, possibly have the kids go as well.
It won't, unfortunately, get better unless he wants it to get better. And from your post, it doesn't sound like he is even aware.
Good luck
As this disease progresses with your husband, things will of course, get worse. You can use the search function on here to look up answers to questions that will arise in the future, or better yet, get involved with alanon, possibly have the kids go as well.
It won't, unfortunately, get better unless he wants it to get better. And from your post, it doesn't sound like he is even aware.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: TX
Posts: 50
Like the Alanon book says I have hope for today. Hope that all of us sick people will find the recovery that we need.
The PP shared such wise ESH I just want to add a big WELCOME.
I also know for me that really taking time to listen to the intro and conclusion, not just shares, at Alanon meetings is helpful.
The PP shared such wise ESH I just want to add a big WELCOME.
I also know for me that really taking time to listen to the intro and conclusion, not just shares, at Alanon meetings is helpful.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
My two cents, just based on my experience and hearing others in al anon and in abusive marriages say almost exactly the same thing.... The "you're blowing it out of proportion" is a favorite line of abusers and perhaps alcoholics too bc it allows them to believe (and convince us or try to convince us) that their world view is normal and ours is askew when in fact it's probably the other way around.
If something is bothering you and concerning you and you're expressing it, a sane person's reaction wouldn't be to tell you you're blowing it out of proportion.
If something is bothering you and concerning you and you're expressing it, a sane person's reaction wouldn't be to tell you you're blowing it out of proportion.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Welcome to the forum. I'm so new to this myself that I don't really have much wisdom to offer. I will, however, step out on a limb and answer your question:
Yes, there is hope for you.
I will venture to add that your story sounds quite familiar, especially the part about the drinker telling us to stop making such a big fuss about it. That's my AW's standard answer. Just this morning, she told our daughter to "Get over it and stay over it".
Lovely. Meanwhile, AW has switched from the relatively cheap vodka in plastic bottles back to Crown Royal and Jack Daniels. I recently got a small raise at work, so I guess she felt entitled.
Anyway, take whatever comfort you can from the fact that you are not alone, and you're not crazy.
Good luck, and keep posting.
Yes, there is hope for you.
I will venture to add that your story sounds quite familiar, especially the part about the drinker telling us to stop making such a big fuss about it. That's my AW's standard answer. Just this morning, she told our daughter to "Get over it and stay over it".
Lovely. Meanwhile, AW has switched from the relatively cheap vodka in plastic bottles back to Crown Royal and Jack Daniels. I recently got a small raise at work, so I guess she felt entitled.
Anyway, take whatever comfort you can from the fact that you are not alone, and you're not crazy.
Good luck, and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Welcome, glad you found SR. No you are not crazy, and you are not blowing things out of proportion.
When I confronted my ABF about his drinking, he said he could stop whenever he wanted, it was only that I didn't trust him to that made him drink! The lightbulb went off then and there. Active Alcoholics NEVER take responsibility for their actions, NEVER!
I began to read in earnest. Big Book of AA, All the stickies at the top of this forum. I also went to Al-Anon, and I read Codependent No More. Once I knew what I knew to be true, and make sense, I felt so much better. And I could deal with life so much better too.
You have taken a wonderful, brilliant step in the right direction by posting your story here. Keep reading, and posting, and let us know how your meeting went.
When I confronted my ABF about his drinking, he said he could stop whenever he wanted, it was only that I didn't trust him to that made him drink! The lightbulb went off then and there. Active Alcoholics NEVER take responsibility for their actions, NEVER!
I began to read in earnest. Big Book of AA, All the stickies at the top of this forum. I also went to Al-Anon, and I read Codependent No More. Once I knew what I knew to be true, and make sense, I felt so much better. And I could deal with life so much better too.
You have taken a wonderful, brilliant step in the right direction by posting your story here. Keep reading, and posting, and let us know how your meeting went.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I could have written your story, minus the kid situation...we don't have our own together, just my two (his stepdaughters).
Of course there is hope for you! For him, who knows? But for you - definitely. It begins with sharing your story to a bunch of people who can relate and validate to you that you are not crazy nor blowing anything out of proportion. Great first step.
My husband was like yours...and it is hard for them to recognize there is a drinking problem if they aren't exhibiting the signs of alcoholism...the stereotypical signs, that is. But looking back now, at 9 months sober, he can say there were glimpses of a problem that would float through his mind, but alcoholism has an amazing ability to "defend the parameter at all costs". That's a direct quote from the RAH, btw.
Read some books about alcoholism and the effects on the family. Amazon is full of them. Read our stories here, many of us blog. Go to the alcoholism forum and read the threads there. And of course, if it works for you, attend Al-Anon meetings as much as possible. Education is key to understanding.
Welcome and keep coming back!
~T
Of course there is hope for you! For him, who knows? But for you - definitely. It begins with sharing your story to a bunch of people who can relate and validate to you that you are not crazy nor blowing anything out of proportion. Great first step.
My husband was like yours...and it is hard for them to recognize there is a drinking problem if they aren't exhibiting the signs of alcoholism...the stereotypical signs, that is. But looking back now, at 9 months sober, he can say there were glimpses of a problem that would float through his mind, but alcoholism has an amazing ability to "defend the parameter at all costs". That's a direct quote from the RAH, btw.
Read some books about alcoholism and the effects on the family. Amazon is full of them. Read our stories here, many of us blog. Go to the alcoholism forum and read the threads there. And of course, if it works for you, attend Al-Anon meetings as much as possible. Education is key to understanding.
Welcome and keep coming back!
~T
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
You are not crazy. And there is absolutely hope for you, friend. You are a wonderful, kind, intelligent person who deserves love and respect. Your beautiful children deserve to grow up in a house where there is peace and kindness.
Keep moving forward and keep coming back!
Keep moving forward and keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 130
((((big huge virtual hugs)))) Welcome to SR!
I actually wasn't going to post tonight, AH just went for cigarettes and I'm supposed to be getting some work done. However, your post caught my eye -- because it's exactly what I asked myself for years in both my current marriage and the last one. My first marriage was not to an alcoholic, but he was very psychologically abusive, and used the fact that I was in inpatient mental care as a teenager -- my AH continued to do the same thing, until I finally realized for myself that THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
I'll tell you the same thing I finally realized for myself -- there's nothing insane about being miserable. I ended up in a mental institution because of my parents' drinking, and because I finally snapped when AF kicked my dog across the room. That's not insane, that's protecting the only creature in the world that needed me and seemed to be the only one that would care if I were gone. Being chronically miserable can seem like insanity, I think, because it's certainly hard to relate to "normal" reality.
That said, your husband sounds like he's reading out of the same book mine is, and it's the one mine was quoting until the day he got fired -- who knew that a UA would reveal excessive alcohol, and that they would fire him out of an operating room because of it? That was the second time his UA came back dirty because of alcohol. The first time they required addiction counseling before he could have his job back, because he was darn good at what he did. He lied through his teeth at the addiction counselor, who told him he didn't have a problem and didn't need to be there (I later found his intake questionnaire...he told the truth or partial truth on about five of, I think, 40 questions) and gave him leave to go back to work. He tried to use this to tell me he didn't have a problem too.
I actually wasn't going to post tonight, AH just went for cigarettes and I'm supposed to be getting some work done. However, your post caught my eye -- because it's exactly what I asked myself for years in both my current marriage and the last one. My first marriage was not to an alcoholic, but he was very psychologically abusive, and used the fact that I was in inpatient mental care as a teenager -- my AH continued to do the same thing, until I finally realized for myself that THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
I'll tell you the same thing I finally realized for myself -- there's nothing insane about being miserable. I ended up in a mental institution because of my parents' drinking, and because I finally snapped when AF kicked my dog across the room. That's not insane, that's protecting the only creature in the world that needed me and seemed to be the only one that would care if I were gone. Being chronically miserable can seem like insanity, I think, because it's certainly hard to relate to "normal" reality.
That said, your husband sounds like he's reading out of the same book mine is, and it's the one mine was quoting until the day he got fired -- who knew that a UA would reveal excessive alcohol, and that they would fire him out of an operating room because of it? That was the second time his UA came back dirty because of alcohol. The first time they required addiction counseling before he could have his job back, because he was darn good at what he did. He lied through his teeth at the addiction counselor, who told him he didn't have a problem and didn't need to be there (I later found his intake questionnaire...he told the truth or partial truth on about five of, I think, 40 questions) and gave him leave to go back to work. He tried to use this to tell me he didn't have a problem too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
Hi and welcome. No, you're not crazy. Keep reading here and while it sounds like you may have your hands full with the kids, try to get to an al-anon meeting. It really helped me sort through what I could and couldn't control, and from there I was able to make clear-headed decisions on what I was and was not willing to accept.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
Pluffmud, you are not crazy. Please be kind to yourself. Gather information like a drowning man grabs a life jacket. Read the stickies here and the books. Meet with an attorney. And listen to your children, and the voice inside you that is screaming to you that you deserve better, you deserve to be happy, you have an obligation to take care of your kids and that you have choices. You have choices. Peace. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Welcome Pluffmud! Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you will read and post on this site. This site is a blessing. There are so many wise people whom I learn from everyday. Alanon meetings are a great place for finding support from and with people who truly understand what it's like to be impacted by someone else's drinking.
I was moved by your post. I hope you will find the support and comfort you so deserve. I feel for your children/stepchildren. I hope they too can find support. It's not easy having a father whose drinking has become a problem for the family. The scars of a "problem drinker" in the home last a lifetime.
Big hugs to you.
I was moved by your post. I hope you will find the support and comfort you so deserve. I feel for your children/stepchildren. I hope they too can find support. It's not easy having a father whose drinking has become a problem for the family. The scars of a "problem drinker" in the home last a lifetime.
Big hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Nope you are not crazy. At least in the way your Husband says. Like all of us here you have been affected by the disease of Alcoholism. His drinking has a big impact on everyone around him.
The 3 c's are big here for a good reason. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. His drinking is his problem not yours.
I love him and it's not like he's a horrible person (when he's not drinking)
One thing to consider is that alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse. Read the threads on things a normie wouldn't know. You will be surprised at how familiar those posts will sound and give you a clear warning of what's to come if he doesn't choose to start his own recovery.
OK, now for the good news. You can get better, get saner and even get happy no matter what your alcoholic husband (AH) does. Many of us here are on the path to recovery and feeling much better about ourselves. Some still live with there A, some have separated (me) and some have divorced. Doesn't matter, recovery works.
To start this recovery I would strongly recommend attending meetings at al-anon. Go to several different meetings. Each one has it's own flavor. It took me 5 different meetings until I found my home. Actually I attend 2 different meetings, they are both good in different ways. Alateen would probably be good for the older children. As a ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) I know that living with an alcoholic parent will leave scars.
Keep posting here and let us know what's going on. This is a great place to vent when things aren't going right and to share your successes when they are.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
3c's
you did not cause it
you can not control it
and there is no cure
glad you found this place
this is your time and AL ANON and ALA teen will help
this is his issue, until he hits his rock bottom there is help for you and your family
you did not cause it
you can not control it
and there is no cure
glad you found this place
this is your time and AL ANON and ALA teen will help
this is his issue, until he hits his rock bottom there is help for you and your family
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
[QUOTE=wanttobehealthy;30632
The "you're blowing it out of proportion" is a favorite line of abusers and perhaps alcoholics too bc it allows them to believe (and convince us or try to convince us) that their world view is normal and ours is askew when in fact it's probably the other way around.
[/QUOTE]
boy, does this ever ring true for me...i have heard it time and time again with my beloveds parents who are truelly active drinkers..( i so remember that place and time...)
The "you're blowing it out of proportion" is a favorite line of abusers and perhaps alcoholics too bc it allows them to believe (and convince us or try to convince us) that their world view is normal and ours is askew when in fact it's probably the other way around.
[/QUOTE]
boy, does this ever ring true for me...i have heard it time and time again with my beloveds parents who are truelly active drinkers..( i so remember that place and time...)
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