I need direction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3
I need direction
Hi folks,
I'm new here and this is my first post. I've browsed the stickies a bit but thought I would just say hi and explain my dilemma. I am the husband of an AW and I myself very rarely ever drink. It seems that a sober husband with an AW is not really the norm around here as the many posts that I have read thus far have been the other way around, so allow me to mix things up a bit. My wife has been a heavy drinker for a number of years now and was just recently released from the hospital with the diagnosis of alcoholic hepatitis. Watching her go through the DT's was more painful than I could have imagined. Listening to her in the hospital, I was convinced that she was through with alcohol and could stay clean. I was wrong. Only a month removed from the hospital, I found a bottle she was hiding and could tell by her demeanor that she has slipped back to her old ways. I cannot bear to watch her destroy herself and all the begging and pleading I do are doing no good as she seems apathetic to the consequences although she tells me she does not want to be this way. I don't know how to handle this. If I am supportive and say everthing is fine, that makes it sound like I condone what she is doing and giving her the green light to continue on. If I lay out ultimatums, I am afraid that the pressure will drive her more to the bottle. What is the best way that I can convince her to get help?
Thanks!
I'm new here and this is my first post. I've browsed the stickies a bit but thought I would just say hi and explain my dilemma. I am the husband of an AW and I myself very rarely ever drink. It seems that a sober husband with an AW is not really the norm around here as the many posts that I have read thus far have been the other way around, so allow me to mix things up a bit. My wife has been a heavy drinker for a number of years now and was just recently released from the hospital with the diagnosis of alcoholic hepatitis. Watching her go through the DT's was more painful than I could have imagined. Listening to her in the hospital, I was convinced that she was through with alcohol and could stay clean. I was wrong. Only a month removed from the hospital, I found a bottle she was hiding and could tell by her demeanor that she has slipped back to her old ways. I cannot bear to watch her destroy herself and all the begging and pleading I do are doing no good as she seems apathetic to the consequences although she tells me she does not want to be this way. I don't know how to handle this. If I am supportive and say everthing is fine, that makes it sound like I condone what she is doing and giving her the green light to continue on. If I lay out ultimatums, I am afraid that the pressure will drive her more to the bottle. What is the best way that I can convince her to get help?
Thanks!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Welcome to SR, here you will find a lot of people that are/have been in your shoes. Lots of men around these days too. Here's a good sticky from the "best of" section I like to share with newcomers. I followed each suggestion as if my sanity depended on it. I hope it helps you as much as it did me. Keep posting!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2051022
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2051022
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
MrScooter, welcome to SR.
One of the big things around here is the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. You don't have any control over your wife's drinking just like I don't have any control over my AW's (alcoholic wife) drinking.
What you do have control over is how yourself. Even if you can't change her you can change you and improve the quality of your life. The way to do that is by getting yourself over to al-anon. I know that my life has really improved because of al-anon.
Keep posting here as well. It is a great place to vent and to share. There are many people here with lots of wisdom, strength and hope. You are not alone. We all have had experiences like your and know what it is to feel lost and hopeless. Trust me, with al-anon it does get better, I speak from experience.
Your friend,
One of the big things around here is the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. You don't have any control over your wife's drinking just like I don't have any control over my AW's (alcoholic wife) drinking.
What you do have control over is how yourself. Even if you can't change her you can change you and improve the quality of your life. The way to do that is by getting yourself over to al-anon. I know that my life has really improved because of al-anon.
Keep posting here as well. It is a great place to vent and to share. There are many people here with lots of wisdom, strength and hope. You are not alone. We all have had experiences like your and know what it is to feel lost and hopeless. Trust me, with al-anon it does get better, I speak from experience.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 177
welcome Mrscooter!
your situation mirrors mine...only i am the wife of an AH. i do the pleading and begging and trying to be supportive, the guilt, the anger, etc to no avail. they are going to do what they do and can only be helped when they want to be helped. i know all to well the in the mean time we suffer becasue we feel helpless. i too need to get myself to an al-anon meeting. i have nothing to lose by going....but nothing to gain by not at least trying. its all about me now and i need to keep that thought and attitude going so that i can keep going. funny how this disease effects everyone different, yet the same.
your situation mirrors mine...only i am the wife of an AH. i do the pleading and begging and trying to be supportive, the guilt, the anger, etc to no avail. they are going to do what they do and can only be helped when they want to be helped. i know all to well the in the mean time we suffer becasue we feel helpless. i too need to get myself to an al-anon meeting. i have nothing to lose by going....but nothing to gain by not at least trying. its all about me now and i need to keep that thought and attitude going so that i can keep going. funny how this disease effects everyone different, yet the same.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
MrScooter: Welcome!
Your story is my story, except it is my AH.
I was lost and desperate and had not yet found this site. I was watching Intervention to learn about alcoholism. It happened to be a recap show. The wife during the story looked like a sad, sorry wreck, but during the recap she looked bright and together. She said she had received counselling and gone to Alanon.
I went to Alanon two days later. The people in the rooms didn't look like the sad, sorry mess I was. They looked serene, even happy. I wanted what they had, and kept going.
They say "progress, not perfection" and I have made progress. I have peace of mind, most of the time. I know his alcoholism is HIS, not mine and only he can deal with it. I deal with my own issues. That is all I can do.
He's still drinking, 3 years later, and I am a grateful member of Alanon.
Keep reading, and learning, try Alanon (6 meetings, a couple of different groups before you decide if it's for you).
It does get better, even if the alcoholic doesn't.
Your story is my story, except it is my AH.
I was lost and desperate and had not yet found this site. I was watching Intervention to learn about alcoholism. It happened to be a recap show. The wife during the story looked like a sad, sorry wreck, but during the recap she looked bright and together. She said she had received counselling and gone to Alanon.
I went to Alanon two days later. The people in the rooms didn't look like the sad, sorry mess I was. They looked serene, even happy. I wanted what they had, and kept going.
They say "progress, not perfection" and I have made progress. I have peace of mind, most of the time. I know his alcoholism is HIS, not mine and only he can deal with it. I deal with my own issues. That is all I can do.
He's still drinking, 3 years later, and I am a grateful member of Alanon.
Keep reading, and learning, try Alanon (6 meetings, a couple of different groups before you decide if it's for you).
It does get better, even if the alcoholic doesn't.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone for all of your wonderful support and genuine caring. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this struggle. I do have a question that relates to the 3 C's though. I understand that I did not cause it, I can't control it or cure it but then does that mean that I should just ignore it? I guess I'm confused on how I should be acting... angry... sad... disappointed... oblivious?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 177
Originally Posted by MrScooter 
Thank you everyone for all of your wonderful support and genuine caring. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this struggle. I do have a question that relates to the 3 C's though. I understand that I did not cause it, I can't control it or cure it but then does that mean that I should just ignore it? I guess I'm confused on how I should be acting... angry... sad... disappointed... oblivious?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
but then does that mean that I should just ignore it? I guess I'm confused on how I should be acting... angry... sad... disappointed... oblivious?
I find it helps to remember that my emotions are genuine and I can have them, I just don't have to embrace and dwell on them or act on them. I usually just remove myself from the immediate situation and let the emotion pass.
When I get angry or sad, I try to live what I used to teach my kids: it's ok to feel that way, but don't act on it, if at all, until you've had some time to reflect, after the emotion has passed.
When I feel disappointed, it's easy to act that way, and for me that leads to controlling behaviour. This is where "WAIT - why am I talking" comes in handy.
I used to confuse non-confrontational with oblivious before I learned that I could have boundries. An example of a boundry is I don't want him to do work on house while/after he's drinking; it's dangerous and he does a poor job.
It used to bother me that because I was no longer always talking about his drinking that somehow he was "getting away with it". I realize now that he is not. He does not let himself off that hook and he punishes himself more than I ever did.
Occasionally, but increasingly more infrequently, I still have the compulsion to let him know that even though I am not yakking at him about it, I do know that he is drinking everyday. I don't know why I feel this compulsion, but I do and I'm working on it.
Alanon helps me so much identify my rationalzying, and justifying and all the other behaviours that kept me unhealthy. And now this Site does too.
Hoping for the best for both of you.
I find it helps to remember that my emotions are genuine and I can have them, I just don't have to embrace and dwell on them or act on them. I usually just remove myself from the immediate situation and let the emotion pass.
When I get angry or sad, I try to live what I used to teach my kids: it's ok to feel that way, but don't act on it, if at all, until you've had some time to reflect, after the emotion has passed.
When I feel disappointed, it's easy to act that way, and for me that leads to controlling behaviour. This is where "WAIT - why am I talking" comes in handy.
I used to confuse non-confrontational with oblivious before I learned that I could have boundries. An example of a boundry is I don't want him to do work on house while/after he's drinking; it's dangerous and he does a poor job.
It used to bother me that because I was no longer always talking about his drinking that somehow he was "getting away with it". I realize now that he is not. He does not let himself off that hook and he punishes himself more than I ever did.
Occasionally, but increasingly more infrequently, I still have the compulsion to let him know that even though I am not yakking at him about it, I do know that he is drinking everyday. I don't know why I feel this compulsion, but I do and I'm working on it.
Alanon helps me so much identify my rationalzying, and justifying and all the other behaviours that kept me unhealthy. And now this Site does too.
Hoping for the best for both of you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Being confused on how to act………..reminds me of the days when I was still trying to force some kind of positive outcome for myself. Walking on those egg shells didn’t get me any farther then the anger or the frustration would. The more carefully I tip toed around the alcoholic – hoping to keep them calm the more frustrated and angry I became…….after all I WAS DOING NICE THINGS, I WAS BEING CONSIDERATE…….and all they were doing was continuing to drink and behave the way most alcoholics do……it was a vicious cycle I was running and heading no where healthy or peaceful.
Then I came across detachment with love………learned to accept them just as they were NOT HOW I WANTED them to be and if I was unable to accept them as active alcoholics then I had CHOICES…….and one of those choices was to detach from them and there behavior and learn to focus on me and my life. Al-anon helped me understand how to take the focus off them and my attempts to MAKE THEM CHANGE and put all that energy into myself and my own recovery.
How does your loved one’s drinking make you feel? If it makes you feel angry…..sad…disappointed there’s nothing wrong with feeling those feelings, you have to allow yourself to feel them before you can figure out what to do about them.
Then I came across detachment with love………learned to accept them just as they were NOT HOW I WANTED them to be and if I was unable to accept them as active alcoholics then I had CHOICES…….and one of those choices was to detach from them and there behavior and learn to focus on me and my life. Al-anon helped me understand how to take the focus off them and my attempts to MAKE THEM CHANGE and put all that energy into myself and my own recovery.
How does your loved one’s drinking make you feel? If it makes you feel angry…..sad…disappointed there’s nothing wrong with feeling those feelings, you have to allow yourself to feel them before you can figure out what to do about them.
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