Feeling like I'm being left in the dust.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Jacksonville Florida
Posts: 48
Feeling like I'm being left in the dust.
Well, here I am again. My addict husband is in a SLE (yay for him! Right?!?) I have been going to celebrate recovery every sunday to fill my spirtual connect and work on my own issues. Everything seems to be going okay right?
Maybe its just me, but my gut is SCREAMING at me again. Since my husband has been at SLE he told me that "he doesnt want me waiting anymore" and that he needs to "figure out who he is" Im okay with this, I think its great. Ive been doing alot of "soul searching" --figuring out who I am--outside of mommy if you will. But my gut is telling me that he is letting me down slowly. That fear of me putting up with the hell he's put me through, then supporting him to get better, being the "tuff' one and now that he gets sober and starts living a productive life....and I just have that feeling that he's going to want to divorce me...once he wont "need" me anymore. I do truely love him, or I wouldn't have stuck this out with him and I would have high tailed it a while ago. I want to raise OUR kids together, go through all those motions of being husband and wife, and parents TOGETHER...(sober of course) but that lingering feeling....
Yesterday he told me he would call at 8:30pm so we could talk, and he could talk to the kids, tell them goodnight...all the such...8:30 came and went, and I never heard a thing. To see the disappointment in my kids eyes when they went to bed last night, waiting for their dad to call and he didn't. It breaks me to watch this. This is just a small step for him, he should be able to do what he says he is going to do--he should mean it. I wish he could see his son sit at the screen door ..waiting.... I know what our son is doing..when I ask him he says "lookin for daddy" Its so painful and I dont know how to even deal with that.
Anyway, this morning I got a lot of questions from the kids---did daddy forget--did he fall asleep? can we call him? I didn't know what else to do so I put the phone on speaker phone and dialed the number---no answer. Watching my babies tear up was so hard. I know sobriety is important to him, and he wants to get this right, but is it more important than showing your kids you love them? Im runnning out of things to tell my children why there father (even when he is sober) isnt there for them. Any advice? thanks for listening
Maybe its just me, but my gut is SCREAMING at me again. Since my husband has been at SLE he told me that "he doesnt want me waiting anymore" and that he needs to "figure out who he is" Im okay with this, I think its great. Ive been doing alot of "soul searching" --figuring out who I am--outside of mommy if you will. But my gut is telling me that he is letting me down slowly. That fear of me putting up with the hell he's put me through, then supporting him to get better, being the "tuff' one and now that he gets sober and starts living a productive life....and I just have that feeling that he's going to want to divorce me...once he wont "need" me anymore. I do truely love him, or I wouldn't have stuck this out with him and I would have high tailed it a while ago. I want to raise OUR kids together, go through all those motions of being husband and wife, and parents TOGETHER...(sober of course) but that lingering feeling....
Yesterday he told me he would call at 8:30pm so we could talk, and he could talk to the kids, tell them goodnight...all the such...8:30 came and went, and I never heard a thing. To see the disappointment in my kids eyes when they went to bed last night, waiting for their dad to call and he didn't. It breaks me to watch this. This is just a small step for him, he should be able to do what he says he is going to do--he should mean it. I wish he could see his son sit at the screen door ..waiting.... I know what our son is doing..when I ask him he says "lookin for daddy" Its so painful and I dont know how to even deal with that.
Anyway, this morning I got a lot of questions from the kids---did daddy forget--did he fall asleep? can we call him? I didn't know what else to do so I put the phone on speaker phone and dialed the number---no answer. Watching my babies tear up was so hard. I know sobriety is important to him, and he wants to get this right, but is it more important than showing your kids you love them? Im runnning out of things to tell my children why there father (even when he is sober) isnt there for them. Any advice? thanks for listening
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
I agree with Cynical One. When kids are involved, don't pass along any promises from dad. Let each call be a bonus or surprise. Assume nothing.
This is what is soooo difficult with recovery when there are kids. Addiction is so self-focused, but so is recovery. It HAS to be. He can't be a good dad unless and until he becomes strong in his own recovery. Addiction is so insanely powerful that recovery takes 150% focus. Sadly, kids are often part of the collateral damage. This is a family disease, and if affects everyone, including children. Many addicts simply can't juggle recovery and the responsibilities to their family.
I think it's okay to tell your kids that daddy is sick. That he's trying really hard to get better, but that it takes time. And that he has to spend some time away in order to get better. That he loves them. That he's not gone because of anything they did. That he wants to get better as fast as he can. And that in the mean time, everything is going to be okay and Mommy has everything under control. That it's okay to miss him and feel sad.
I certainly don't have the answers, but this is what I told my kids in a similar situation. I'm sorry you're going through this.
This is what is soooo difficult with recovery when there are kids. Addiction is so self-focused, but so is recovery. It HAS to be. He can't be a good dad unless and until he becomes strong in his own recovery. Addiction is so insanely powerful that recovery takes 150% focus. Sadly, kids are often part of the collateral damage. This is a family disease, and if affects everyone, including children. Many addicts simply can't juggle recovery and the responsibilities to their family.
I think it's okay to tell your kids that daddy is sick. That he's trying really hard to get better, but that it takes time. And that he has to spend some time away in order to get better. That he loves them. That he's not gone because of anything they did. That he wants to get better as fast as he can. And that in the mean time, everything is going to be okay and Mommy has everything under control. That it's okay to miss him and feel sad.
I certainly don't have the answers, but this is what I told my kids in a similar situation. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Jacksonville Florida
Posts: 48
I know I shouldn pass on things daddy says he's going to do to the kids. It's just so hard because I see their faces light up when they find out they get to talk with their dad. My oldest is 6 and she has the most questions about her dad. Right now she thinks he's "working" in another city. My son has been the most difficult, partly because he is a daddy's boy and he is only 3. So he can communicate things to me, but doesn't fully understand. Last week when I laid him down for his nap and closed his door I could hear him in there sobbing 'come home daddy'--all i could do was break down and cry too. Im scared my son is growing really impatient and he is lashing out. my son is the same age my husband was when his dad left (bc of drugs) and now they have no relationship, and this is a huge fear of mine. Its one thing to hurt me, but am I really supposed to sheild my kids from their own daddy? I shouldn't have to do that. I really want my husband to get better, and I want myself to get better to, but that doesn't mean I have to give up being a mom to work on my issues, so does he have to give up being a dad? Im on the fence with this. I just think that yes you can still find recovery and give it your all, but when it comes to small children although they are demanding by default (and Im the one taking care of them anyway--by myself) they are children and they are very easy to please. Im struggling with this...I feel like he can get recovery and still try to hold the simple responsibilities of a father. Its not fair to them. :/
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 38
Hi andI am very sorry for what you and your kids are going through.
Yes you do have to shield your kids from their dad. Yes you have to keep the promises he makes to yourself. They will be even more excited and light up when they get to talk to him if they don't know how many times he said he would and didn't. I know this is not fair to them or to you, but as their mom it is your job toprotect them. Maybe the relationship between your son and his dad will not have the same fate s your husbands relationship with his dad if your son isn't burried under the many disappointments of dad saying he will call and not and his not coming home. I think telling the kids that daddy loves them but is really really sick and has to be away awhile to get better is maybe the right thing to tell them. You and your husband may not last. Only time will tell. Right now its about taking care of you and protecting your precious babies.
Yes you do have to shield your kids from their dad. Yes you have to keep the promises he makes to yourself. They will be even more excited and light up when they get to talk to him if they don't know how many times he said he would and didn't. I know this is not fair to them or to you, but as their mom it is your job toprotect them. Maybe the relationship between your son and his dad will not have the same fate s your husbands relationship with his dad if your son isn't burried under the many disappointments of dad saying he will call and not and his not coming home. I think telling the kids that daddy loves them but is really really sick and has to be away awhile to get better is maybe the right thing to tell them. You and your husband may not last. Only time will tell. Right now its about taking care of you and protecting your precious babies.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
When we have children, we must put ourselves aside and think of them.
Yes, you DO need to shield your children. They are defenseless and incapable of processing what you need to process as an adult. They need you to protect them. If you don't shield them, who will? No, it's not fair that your husband has left you to do this alone, but he's not there... so you need to be. Should you have to do this alone? Should you have to protect your children from their own father? No, you shouldn't, but life is full of things we shouldn't have to do... but we NEED to do.
This isn't about keeping score and "if he doesn't have to then why do I??" He left you to do this alone. You have no choice. You can either crumble under it or stand up strong for your children. They NEED you to carry them through this. Daddy's already gone. Don't let them lose Mommy, too.
Moms can't break down in tears in front of their children. If your children see you crying and feeling at a loss, then their world falls apart and becomes something very scary. If YOU'RE scared, then THEY'RE terrified out of their minds.
Please attend f2f meetings for yourself. See if your community has family resources for your children. If you don't know what to do, then you need to seek out professional help and group support so that you can do right by your children.
I am so very, very sorry that you're going through this. I understand that it's not fair. But we can never let our children suffer because we're waiting for someone else to step up and dry their tears. He's not there. You are. And they're crying out for stability. They need age-appropriate explanations.
You need to seek recovery like there's no tomorrow, clutch your children close and drag them with you out of this darkness. They don't have a choice in this, but you do.
Yes, you DO need to shield your children. They are defenseless and incapable of processing what you need to process as an adult. They need you to protect them. If you don't shield them, who will? No, it's not fair that your husband has left you to do this alone, but he's not there... so you need to be. Should you have to do this alone? Should you have to protect your children from their own father? No, you shouldn't, but life is full of things we shouldn't have to do... but we NEED to do.
This isn't about keeping score and "if he doesn't have to then why do I??" He left you to do this alone. You have no choice. You can either crumble under it or stand up strong for your children. They NEED you to carry them through this. Daddy's already gone. Don't let them lose Mommy, too.
Moms can't break down in tears in front of their children. If your children see you crying and feeling at a loss, then their world falls apart and becomes something very scary. If YOU'RE scared, then THEY'RE terrified out of their minds.
Please attend f2f meetings for yourself. See if your community has family resources for your children. If you don't know what to do, then you need to seek out professional help and group support so that you can do right by your children.
I am so very, very sorry that you're going through this. I understand that it's not fair. But we can never let our children suffer because we're waiting for someone else to step up and dry their tears. He's not there. You are. And they're crying out for stability. They need age-appropriate explanations.
You need to seek recovery like there's no tomorrow, clutch your children close and drag them with you out of this darkness. They don't have a choice in this, but you do.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Nothing about addiction is fair.
Your husband is an addict.
He is unreliable. He can't be a good dad. He is incapable of being a good dad right now or at any time in the near future.
The good news, however, is that your kids just need one good, solid, dependable parent.
Two would be nice...but they can suvive and even thrive with just one.
Is it fair that you have to do this on your own? No. It isn't. It is what it is.
I've raised my son pretty much on my own for 9 years now.
His dad came and went...
He wasn't reliable.
He wasn't dependable.
I never told my son anything my exah said he was going to do...like call...or visit...or come to his game...or anything.
If dad came, great.
IF dad didn't, no harm done.
I also had to explain to my son at a very young age (5) that his dad was sick and he needed to get better. We've had a running conversation on this topic for the last 7 years now.
And my son is okay.
You are just like me.
You have no control over your H's addiction or his recovery.
You have no control over the type of relationship your children will have with their dad.
The only thing you CAN control is what you do to protect them from unnecessary harm.
I know its rough.
But you've GOT to do it.
If you don't, who will??
It can get easier...it WILL get easier...if you seek recovery for yourself regardless of what your husband might do in the future.
Your husband is an addict.
He is unreliable. He can't be a good dad. He is incapable of being a good dad right now or at any time in the near future.
The good news, however, is that your kids just need one good, solid, dependable parent.
Two would be nice...but they can suvive and even thrive with just one.
Is it fair that you have to do this on your own? No. It isn't. It is what it is.
I've raised my son pretty much on my own for 9 years now.
His dad came and went...
He wasn't reliable.
He wasn't dependable.
I never told my son anything my exah said he was going to do...like call...or visit...or come to his game...or anything.
If dad came, great.
IF dad didn't, no harm done.
I also had to explain to my son at a very young age (5) that his dad was sick and he needed to get better. We've had a running conversation on this topic for the last 7 years now.
And my son is okay.
You are just like me.
You have no control over your H's addiction or his recovery.
You have no control over the type of relationship your children will have with their dad.
The only thing you CAN control is what you do to protect them from unnecessary harm.
I know its rough.
But you've GOT to do it.
If you don't, who will??
It can get easier...it WILL get easier...if you seek recovery for yourself regardless of what your husband might do in the future.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Jacksonville Florida
Posts: 48
Thank you guys for your support. I know I have to be there for my kids, I AM there for them, no matter what. I know I've been the most stable thing they've had, but that doesnt stop them from loving or asking about their daddy. Ive been going to celebrate recovery, but nothing has prepared me for the hurt that my children are feeling from his absence. 
It hurts me that they hurt. I do my best not to break down in front of my kids. I really do try. Tonight was a rough night though, and I have a feeling its not the last of them.
It hurts me that they hurt. I do my best not to break down in front of my kids. I really do try. Tonight was a rough night though, and I have a feeling its not the last of them.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Somber,
I just want to put my arms around you and give you a big hug. Hang tight to your own program....there is lots of support available for you and a lot of understanding of what you are going through.
I think that the pain that we feel for our kids is even worse than our own pain. But....by holding your head up, being there, and taking good care of yourself your children will be okay.
I think that the advice that you have received about not telling your kids that there are upcoming plans (that might fall through) it is best to look at the times their dad does show up as the cherry on top...a blessing.
It's just going to take time...but you are hanging in there and moving forward. It will get better....
I just want to put my arms around you and give you a big hug. Hang tight to your own program....there is lots of support available for you and a lot of understanding of what you are going through.
I think that the pain that we feel for our kids is even worse than our own pain. But....by holding your head up, being there, and taking good care of yourself your children will be okay.
I think that the advice that you have received about not telling your kids that there are upcoming plans (that might fall through) it is best to look at the times their dad does show up as the cherry on top...a blessing.
It's just going to take time...but you are hanging in there and moving forward. It will get better....
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I can only imagine how hard this is for you......it was hard for me too.
I agree with the others. I don't tell my grandson that his Dad might be there on the weekends he spends with me. I know that his face would light up with that news but what would really tumble me is the disappointment on his face if he DIDN'T show up ....and unfortunately that is what usually happens.
I dealt with similar issues when my son was little with his biological father. I didn't handle it well. I did a whole bunch of stuff wrong but I can't change that. I CAN change the way I handle things now with my grandson though......and that's what counts. When we know better, we do better.
One of the biggest mistakes I made with my son is that I took the responsibility of his relationships on myself. I didn't realize that I wasn't responsible for his relationships with his biological father, his sister, his step father, etc. I tried to orchestrate those relationships. I look back and see how very wrong I was in trying to do that. It was unhealthy for him and unhealthy for me.
I should have been Switzerland....I should have remained totally neutral with regard to his relationships with others.....but I didn't.....and those relationships that I tried to nurture FOR him on his behalf...... withered and the relationships that I tried to eliminate or control, grew and became strong. It was all wrong.
20/20 hindsight is so clear but it really isn't all that helpful unless it assists us in changing ourselves. If our experiences help you even a wee bit, they were worthwhile in some way......even though they may have been painful lessons for each of us.
gentle hugs
ke
I agree with the others. I don't tell my grandson that his Dad might be there on the weekends he spends with me. I know that his face would light up with that news but what would really tumble me is the disappointment on his face if he DIDN'T show up ....and unfortunately that is what usually happens.
I dealt with similar issues when my son was little with his biological father. I didn't handle it well. I did a whole bunch of stuff wrong but I can't change that. I CAN change the way I handle things now with my grandson though......and that's what counts. When we know better, we do better.
One of the biggest mistakes I made with my son is that I took the responsibility of his relationships on myself. I didn't realize that I wasn't responsible for his relationships with his biological father, his sister, his step father, etc. I tried to orchestrate those relationships. I look back and see how very wrong I was in trying to do that. It was unhealthy for him and unhealthy for me.
I should have been Switzerland....I should have remained totally neutral with regard to his relationships with others.....but I didn't.....and those relationships that I tried to nurture FOR him on his behalf...... withered and the relationships that I tried to eliminate or control, grew and became strong. It was all wrong.
20/20 hindsight is so clear but it really isn't all that helpful unless it assists us in changing ourselves. If our experiences help you even a wee bit, they were worthwhile in some way......even though they may have been painful lessons for each of us.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Jacksonville Florida
Posts: 48
Well here is an update:: Last night him and I finally spoke. Although, it wasn't in black and white, he basically said that he doesnt think we should continue our relationship and stay married right now. So--he thinks we should get a divorce and later down the road see if it works. He said it hurts him too much to talk to me and hear the kids. He said the past has made him resent ME? I know I had my fair share of lash outs when he was using, but I put that, and his past where it is, and Ive been working day to day. He knows this, but he is holding on to the past. He isn't giving our marriage a fighting SOBER chance, because his fear of things that have already happened. As far as the kids, I couldnt tell you if he cares or not. I have no clue, he didn't seem interested in their well being--only his. This is killing me--I fought for this man to get sober for himself and for us, and he bailed on me. He never gave me the chance. Boy, do I feel like a tool now. I feel like he used our kids too. I don't know. I know God wont give me anything I can't handle, but Im pretty sure I cannot handle this. I let all that bitterness go and its creeping right back on me..
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
It really sucks to learn there is no prize after all we have done, eh.
The bitterness is rooted in the disappointment that our expectations were not met. It can eat away at our cores or we can reframe it into what it really is- education.
Being a bio dad does not make one a true father. He would move heaven and earth to provide for his children if he had the matirity to do so. He's likely operating on the cognitive level of a young child and it's all about him.
Your children are apt to feel they are bad /undeserving because dad is not present in their lives. That leaves it up to you, to be the adult and accept and teach them that none of this has anything to do with you or them.
None of you caused this.
None of you can control this.
None of you can cure this.
In the mean time, how about taking action for court -ordered child support.
The bitterness is rooted in the disappointment that our expectations were not met. It can eat away at our cores or we can reframe it into what it really is- education.
Being a bio dad does not make one a true father. He would move heaven and earth to provide for his children if he had the matirity to do so. He's likely operating on the cognitive level of a young child and it's all about him.
Your children are apt to feel they are bad /undeserving because dad is not present in their lives. That leaves it up to you, to be the adult and accept and teach them that none of this has anything to do with you or them.
None of you caused this.
None of you can control this.
None of you can cure this.
In the mean time, how about taking action for court -ordered child support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Jacksonville Florida
Posts: 48
Yeah I printed up some paper work I am going to file with Child support enforcement to grant me temporary child support. I dont have the address he is staying at, and I tried to google it but Im not sure if its the right place. I have the office number that Im sure I can call to get the address to mail the paperwork out for CSE to send him to court. I know that the kids need to be financially taken care of. The reality of it is that I dont make enough money to pay my bills alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Jacksonville Florida
Posts: 48
Yes, well Im already rooming with my mom. She is a great help, but she is pretty torn. I do have to pay bills around here, plus my own bills. Ive already cut out so much, Im down to the nitty gritty on bill paying. my mom takes care of my kids in the evening while i go to work. This was supposed to be temporary, because my husband, in theory was supposed to get clean, come back in time to help us move ( we were moving about 5 hours away) and we were suppposed to start fresh. Well now he drops this on me, and I told my mom, and she says "well I can't raise your kids, I have my own life too" which I completely understand. But I can't quit my job, and I dont have enough $ to hire a sitter 5 nights a week. Her suggestion was to have him transfer back home in his SLE so that he can take care of the kids in the evening and split the custody, so she isn't stuck in the middle.
I dont know how I feel about that.
Today, I found out my husband is in another relationship with another woman whom he met at rehab. I am not sure if this is why he got kicked out of rehab or not. But he confirmed it today. At first he said "well she has a boyfriend" and I said, "well is that boyfriend you?"
He didnt say anything at first...then responded with "well I guess you could say that"
How about "well he has a WIFE and THREE KIDS" guess that never crossed his mind?
I dont know, I have my moments. Sometimes Im strong and sometimes Im crying.
My 6 year old asked me tonight when I went in her room from coming home from work to kiss her goodnight.."is daddy coming home soon?" I just said "I dont know baby, daddy will come home when he is ready to." it seemed sufficient enough, but I saw her wet eyes, so I already knew how she was feeling.
this has been a sad sad time for this family. Thank you all for your kind support! I prayed for God to get me thru this, and I think thats why he led me to this site!
I dont know how I feel about that.
Today, I found out my husband is in another relationship with another woman whom he met at rehab. I am not sure if this is why he got kicked out of rehab or not. But he confirmed it today. At first he said "well she has a boyfriend" and I said, "well is that boyfriend you?"
He didnt say anything at first...then responded with "well I guess you could say that"
How about "well he has a WIFE and THREE KIDS" guess that never crossed his mind?
I dont know, I have my moments. Sometimes Im strong and sometimes Im crying.
My 6 year old asked me tonight when I went in her room from coming home from work to kiss her goodnight.."is daddy coming home soon?" I just said "I dont know baby, daddy will come home when he is ready to." it seemed sufficient enough, but I saw her wet eyes, so I already knew how she was feeling.
this has been a sad sad time for this family. Thank you all for your kind support! I prayed for God to get me thru this, and I think thats why he led me to this site!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Jacksonville Florida
Posts: 48
Oh and my annual health insurance enrollment is coming up in two weeks. Im hoping I will be able to drop him from my insurance because it costs me $70 a week for him to stay on our plan. I know it doesnt sound like a lot of money, but A) I am not getting any type of income from him whatsoever and B) $70 is diapers and gas for the week, that I could REALLY use. I dont think he should be riding out rehab and therapy on my dime, while Im working my bum off and he's walking the beach with another woman.
If he wanted the marriage to work--of course Id keep him on the insurance. But I owe him NOTHING. Call it spiteful, call it bitter..I call it creaitve financing!
If he wanted the marriage to work--of course Id keep him on the insurance. But I owe him NOTHING. Call it spiteful, call it bitter..I call it creaitve financing!
to you and your kids. Hang in there and do what you gotta do.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
Somber... I am so sorry you are going through this...You need to care for your kids right now, they are the priority. If his insurance means no diapers for baby, then he is a big boy and can worry about his own health insurance (and a true father would want you to make that choice). He is the grown up man who can do for himself, but our kids depend on us. $70 a week sounds like a lot of money to me - $280 a month goes far when you're "creative". Do what you need to for you and your children.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Somberheart, if it makes you feel any better just know you are not alone. I am in a similar situation, however my AH is not in recovery. Doesn't sound like yours is in much of a recovery truthfully, since he is carrying on with a relationship so soon after leaving rehab. I understand the bitterness creeping in. Boy do I!
I don't tell my kids anything as far as expectations from him. He does call most nights, but there are plenty that he hasn't. I let my son call him whenever he wants and if he doesn't answer, son leaves a message. My two are almost 9 and 7. I tell them both that right now daddy is living somewhere else. My son accepts that. My daughter has a disability so she doesn't quite grasp it the same.
I've had those moments too...early on when our neighbor would drive by in his truck my daughter would run to the window and say dad. Broke my heart. She also asks a lot, "where's dad?". It really just plain sucks! This is sooo far from what I envisioned for my kids, that's for sure.
I have cried in front of them. I do my best not to, but I'm human and sometimes it is nearly impossible to keep the damns from bursting. But, I do the best that I can. I am not getting any financial support whatsoever, so I hear you on the cutting back. It's so hard. And yes, just another thing to make one bitter. Ugh!
Regardless, now is the time to set up the parameters to make his support legal. Regardless of whether he chooses to pay or not (like my AH), at least it is set up. In my state I was able to file an expedited petition for support and parenting plan, etc. So check into that when you speak with an attorney.
****{HUGS}}} I know your pain. All we can do is pray hard for strength and resilience. Just do your best and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take care.
I don't tell my kids anything as far as expectations from him. He does call most nights, but there are plenty that he hasn't. I let my son call him whenever he wants and if he doesn't answer, son leaves a message. My two are almost 9 and 7. I tell them both that right now daddy is living somewhere else. My son accepts that. My daughter has a disability so she doesn't quite grasp it the same.
I've had those moments too...early on when our neighbor would drive by in his truck my daughter would run to the window and say dad. Broke my heart. She also asks a lot, "where's dad?". It really just plain sucks! This is sooo far from what I envisioned for my kids, that's for sure.
I have cried in front of them. I do my best not to, but I'm human and sometimes it is nearly impossible to keep the damns from bursting. But, I do the best that I can. I am not getting any financial support whatsoever, so I hear you on the cutting back. It's so hard. And yes, just another thing to make one bitter. Ugh!
Regardless, now is the time to set up the parameters to make his support legal. Regardless of whether he chooses to pay or not (like my AH), at least it is set up. In my state I was able to file an expedited petition for support and parenting plan, etc. So check into that when you speak with an attorney.
****{HUGS}}} I know your pain. All we can do is pray hard for strength and resilience. Just do your best and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by somberheart 
If he wanted the marriage to work--of course Id keep him on the insurance. But I owe him NOTHING. Call it spiteful, call it bitter..I call it creaitve financing!
You do not owe this guy anything. This is not spite or bitterness. It's called survival.
Full steam ahead on the child support thing.
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