somberheart

KC,

Yeah I came to terms with that. I knew the manipulations would continue. One of two things crosses my mind : A ) Either he is lying about the "girlfriend" so that I will just give up and file for divorce so its easier or B) he is really with someone--someone who is also an addict and that understands his lifestyle and need for drugs. Either way this is not recovery. He may not be using but he certainly isnt recovered. I was willing before to give the relationship a SOBER fighting chance. If he's giving his heart to someone else at a time when he's really vulernable just to take the easy street--or really if hes giving his heart away at any point while we are still married -- there isn't coming back from that. I've never accepted infedelity in a relationship and I never will.

hope213

lots of times the addict will get clean & realize that the wife & children he has he really don't want. lots of times the addict will go into rehab & meet some one else. lots of times if just don't work out & they are using again just time they get out. let go & let God. you are a strong person take it one day at a time. hugs & prayers,

lightseeker

.....and I'll also add that lots of times an addict will get sober and you'll figure out that you don't want them. We all grow and change and the person that we become after "all that" is way different than who chose the addict in the first place.

somberheart

Im definitely getting mixed signals from him. He 'wants his space to work on himself' and I respect that, but just some of his actions aren't backing that up. I found out he was booted from rehab for getting caught kissing her. (you know after he got kicked out he called me asking for money to pay for the half way house----some nerve! there is no low he will hit!) I probably would have slapped him if he was in front of me. So, all the while he's calling me telling me how he misses me and the kids--then carrying on this? Im confused. Around the time she got there though, I noticed that he was kind of pushing me away, or turning everything I said into an argument..and I mean everything. I see that now, and Im trying not to over think it. It is what it is. Even though it hurts, there isnt anything I can do. I was willing to fight in his corner so long as he was trying to get help and working on that. But this is....betraying, AGAIN. I hope that wedding ring weighs a ton right now. I can't imagine how he would feel if I were doing the same thing right now. But Im better than that, and I think more of myself to walking around trying to catch the first man that walks by. I knew my gut was telling me something was way off. Im not sure what his plans are as far as him and her go. I dont really care. I honestly think he is going to use up the 2 weeks prepaid of the SLE then relapse (on purpose) and try to get back into the center he was at so he could spend time with her. By then his insurance will be dropped, so good luck with that. Im sure I'll get an erratic telephone call. My heart does not go out to him for that. I kind of want him to find out that way secretly. The kids seem to do okay. I was teaching my oldest how to ride her bike with no training wheels the other day. Ive never been one to take apart things, but I got the wheels off ! I was saying to myself "I can do this without him!' My oldest did call him to tell him she rode her bike with no training wheels but he said "im sleeping, ill call you later" He never called her back. She seemed a little sad, but she got over it quick, she had a lot more practicing to do. It hurts that he's missing this, and i know it bothers him. But its his choice. Although Im confused, i have my weak times and my strong times. I just want to say to him 'do you want to be the one to take your son to little league or do you want it to be another man!" ahhh !! He wanted to talk to me today, he told me to call...I dont know. I do but I dont.

outtolunch

Sounds to me like he relapsed.

Please pursure court -ordered child support even if he's choosing to lay in a gutter.

If you are paying for his cell phone you might want to cut that loose, too. Trading minutes for drugs is common stuff.

Remember, it's his choices, not you, destroying his life.

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

Only you can save yourself and children from the chaos of addiction.

somberheart

ok guys...im having a bad moment. My mind is raging with jealousy and bitterness. Im praying for God to help me work thru this but its obsessing. Is this really happening? Did he really chose someone he doesn't even know over his kids? over us? Im trying to push the rage away but I can't. Why is this happening to me and my kids? Doesnt he think we're worth it?

wicked

Actually, he is not thinking right now.
It may feel like he is doing it to you, but it is truly nothing personal.
All this is about distracting himself from getting well. You will not support his using, so he found someone who would.

This is a temporary fill in for real life for him. (I am in recovery myself and was married to an alcoholic/crack addict.)

I felt the rage too, after I begged that lying cheating idiot to stay.
He went right back to the crack, and the flavor of the month girl.
Pfffffft.

Beth



For your daughter without the training wheels!

husbandfather

Wow. I couldn't even get through your whole post without a broken heart. I too have a spouse that is trying to recover. I have 3 daughters with her. 16, 10 and 5. The 16 year old I have clued in to the whole thing. I had to. I work 6 days a week to support us and I need her to step up to areas she shouldn't have to. But she does.
With my wife its been one chemical after another. Now its amphetamines, ritalin.
I just want you to know on praying for you and your kids

Eddiebuckle

SH,

Many in AA discourage new romantic relationships for the first 12 months because it is altogether too easy to get caught up in the emotions and avoid the work required to do the steps. We alcoholics/addicts are very adept at self-deception - this is not an excuse for his behavior, but I'd bet my last dollar he's got no clue what he's doing. If he hasn't already, he's likely going to relapse, the "relationship" will crash and burn, and he will find himslef in a worse place than when he first went to rehab. Addiction is a very dedicated teacher, it never loses patience.

Take care of yourself as best you can. Your husbands actions have no basis in reality until he has a grip on sobriety, and he's nowhere near that from the sound of it.

lightseeker

this has nothing to do with you or your kids. But I know it hurts you like it does - and angers you like it does. I'm struggling with sadness/anger too and none of it makes sense to me.

It is not a rational choice to walk away from your wife and kids and chose drugs. That is why it doesn't make sense to you....it DOESN'T make sense! He is not rational and there is no way to understand why he is doing what he is doing. I take it on faith from the former users on our forum when they say it isn't personal.

I'm struggling not to take my husbands actions personally but sometimes it really gets to me and it does feel personal. I know that time will heal my wounds....and I know that the same will happen for you too.

I'm so proud of you and your daughter - handling those training wheels! You are just working through normal emotions...........it's okay to be sad and angry. It's going to pass.......I personally think that you sound like you are doing great. I wish we were sitting in the same room right now and could create some joy and happiness together!

Sending you hugs and love! Donna

somberheart

thank you to all.... I feel like God has had angels watching over me the past few days and it comes in the form of this forum! Im still confused and hurt. maybe one day he'll wake up and realize what he left behind. i hope its not when our kids are grown and theyve already formed their own opinion of him:. I pray that its not.

dollydo

I am so very sorry that you are in pain, the rage certainly is understandable, and, it will serve a purpose for a time, then it must be let go of, for you.

He may never see or understand what he has lost, many do not.

Anvil is right, you and your children deserve so much better, you do not need him to validate your self worth, your children do that everyday...don't they?

somberheart

yes they do i guess i just had some idealized image of how the family would be once he got out of rehab.

JMFburns

I guessed it was a recovery relationship as soon as you posted that your husband was talking about going your own separate ways. He is being very selfish - that's what addicts - think about only themselves and their needs.

somberheart, it's time for you to pull up your "big girl panties" and started taking care of you and your kids. Think about you and your kids . . . don't worry about your AH, his feelings, his needs - that's not what you need to do to survive now.

I have faith that you & your families needs will be met if you keep doing the next right thing - I hope you have the same faith - we are here to support you and we all believe in your ability to take care of your family at this difficult time. Here's a group hug and a cheer : for you!

lightseeker

Hi Somber....

just checking in on you and I wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. There is a grief process that goes along with all of this. I flucuate between anger, sadness, fear, grief, and brief moments of serenity.

As time goes on my path is becoming more clear and I hope that you are finding the same thing.

Years ago I used to live in Jacksonville. I really enjoyed it there....having the river and the beach so close by was really wonderful. Have you lived there for very long?

Let me know how you are doing when you get the chance! Donna

somberheart

Thanks for checking on me Lightseeker. I really appreciate it. Im still very sad with all of this. I've seen a therapist and of course they are so quick to shove a pill down my throat and say Im depressed. I believe Im depressed, but this pill isn't doing a dang thing. I dont know what to say about my AH. Im heartbroken how I stuck this out, and he was so quick to leave me behind. I do hope he tries to have a relationship with the kids. Im not trying to control that. I've lived in Jacksonville for 10 years now. I enjoy it, but I feel like I'm ready to move on from here. There are a lot of memories that haunt me around this town that make me cringe sometimes. Other times I hate thinking about leaving because my mom and mother in law are so close (we all live in the same neighborhood) . So I guess you could say I am in between . With all that is going on, i plan to take some time off of work and do serious IOP. I need it. Badly. My mind and heart sometimes slip into dark areas and I need to work on this,especially if I am going to raise three children on my own from now on! I only pray my kids see that I tried to be strong and I tried to keep the family together. I tried, thats all I could do. Thanks again for checking on me. It feels really nice to see that someone does care. sometimes my phone goes days without ringing or making a noise---so this is nice thank you!

bluebelle

It sounds like you are planning on doing the things you need to do to take care of yourself. I hope they are doing more than just giving you a pill for depression!! Anyway, sometimes it takes awhile to work, sometimes you need something different, etc. Plus, non-pill therapy is good, too. If you are interested in books on depression, I like The Feeling Good Handbook. Although, there are all kinds of books. I also find that exercse helps, but sometimes you have to start at that slowly. Also, be gentle on yourself. You're really going through a lot. If you aren't getting the help you need from your therapist, go to another one!! Ask around. There are good psychiatrists/therapists out there, but sometimes it takes awhile to find the right one. I've had a couple of depression episodes in my life. Fortunately, I was eventually able to get through the episodes, and get to the other side. Take care.