putting it all out there
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 12
putting it all out there
My best friend since 2nd grade and I began sneaking liquor from our parents when we were about 14. Since then I've liked getting drunk. When I was 15 I smoked pot for the first time. I also tried acid and did it several more times (less than 10) in my teens. I did shrooms once. When I was 19 I moved from home for college. That year I did coke for the first time (I was having a bad trip and a male "friend" I was with insisited it would help. He was right.) I felt horrible the next day. A couple months after that I went to visit home, where my boyfriend was also visiting. As I was driving to his parents house it was late and the road had been reconstructed and there were no lights or anything around the new turns. I wrecked (not DUI, the road was very dangerous and 2 people died in different accidents after my wreck before they finally fixed it). My car flipped and I flew out the back windshield (I always wear my seat belt. This time I wasn't, and it was one of the rare instances where it would have been worse if I was because the air bag did not go off). I fractured my skull and almost died. It took me a while to learn how to walk again. I had problems concentrating and remembering things for a while. My boyfriend and I planned on getting married and I decided not to go back to college (stupid). I did ecstasy a few times in my late teens. I partied and drank sometimes but it was like most kids that age. Me and my boyfriend didn't work out. I became kind of depressed because my life was going nowhere and I was living with my parents. I ended up getting involved with a person I didn't really love, but loved being loved by. He was and is a bad person. I ended up pregnant. I was going to have an abortion but I couldn't bring myself to do it and I had my son at 21- in02. My parents pressured me to marry him (one of their biggest regrets). I settled down and didn't drink or anything when I was pregnant. For the next few years I would still drink and get drunk sometimes but I was responsible with my son. My sons father was a different story. The marriage was a nightmare. He is an alcoholic and drug addict and sold drugs sometimes. Lost his license and was always in trouble. So of course we fought a lot. Sometimes he just didn't come home. I hated him. There was some abuse, one time he beat me up terribly. He would always cry and apologize. So many unbelievably traumatic things happened because of his reckless behavior. The worst: He had a boat which he took one of my oldest friends fiance for a ride on. He ended up running aground. My friends fiance ended up drowning because of his negligent behavior. His life and my long friendship were gone. I cannot say why I stayed as long as I did. I never thought manipulation could be as powerful to make me stay in a miserable relationship where I didn't even have love. Finally one Christmas in 05 we had planned to take our son to sit on Santas lap. An hour before, he got a phone call and said he had a really good opportunity to make some money doing a construction job (He was on the phone discussing square footage and such). I took my son alone. Later that night I got a call from jail. Apparently the 'job opportunity" was to sell a bunch of crack cocaine and he got busted. That was the last draw and my ticket out. I knew he couldn't argue my leaving that time. And I was free to live. Unfortunately, I had to move back in with my parents, which made me depressed. Since I had them to help with my son, I would drink a lot more often.
Months after that I began to fall in love with one of my good friends. We grew up together and were only a week apart in age. His birthday was one week after mine. We played guitar together in high school. We both loved music and art. He was a single father in the Navy and his son was the same age as mine. We all loved one another. It was perfect and over time we became like a family. Finally I saw the happy life I was meant to live and felt I found my place. We were going to get married and move in together. One week shy of our one year anniversary, which happened to be April fools day, he mysteriously disappeared in a blizzard while his ship was in port Boston. His body was found in Boston harbor and ruled accidental. My world was turned upside down. The depression I will never be able to describe. I kind of checked out mentally. I have a lot of guilt because I know i wasn't the mom I shouldve been during that time. I am lucky that I had my parents during that time to help with my son, but it also made it easy for me to not be as responsible as I should have been. I was drinking a whole lot. I mean, that's pretty much all I did really for a few months. Luckily I never got behind the wheel drunk or hurt myself or anyone else, and I didn't start doing drugs. Eventually I got it together to be there for my son. I stopped drinking every day but I would still get drunk at night frequently. I broke down and cried all of the time. I couldn't stop thinking about him, I didn't understand why he had to go. I KNEW we were meant to be and because of that I knew i would never find love again.
...but I did. I fell in love with a man whose birthday is one week before mine (albeit 3 yrs earlier
and has the same name as the best friend I use to raid liquor cabinets with. We met at a love metal concert. We were drunk of course and planned to get married the next day. We didn't, but we are now and we have a beautiful little girl. I am so happy. It just so happens we live only a few miles away from where my boyfriend lived, and even though I'll always miss him I feel like he kind of put us together..there are some eerie coincendces. I KNOW we are meant to be. Ive gone through a lot and I never thought I'd be happy. So when I binge drink (which is on average probably every 1 and a half weeks) it's not because I'm depressed. Its just because I love to get drunk. I also drink moderately in between but I have to limit myself most of the time because Im a stay at home mom. When I have the opportunity though, I drink so much that I sometimes end up laying in bed with a pounding head the next day except to get up and puke. But I never feel like I need to drink. I didn't drink the entire month of May just to make sure I didn't have a problem and it was easy for me. But I think I do have a problem.
Recently, we went to stay with my parents for a week and directly after that, my inlaws took the kids for a week. So for those two weeks I was free to do what I wanted. I pretty much stayed drunk. Towards the end I started feeling really bad and depressed. I felt like I was making myself drink just because I could. My anxiety (which has always been bad) went crazy and I started to feel tired and ugly. So after the kids came back, I started doing research and came across PAWS. I had every one of the symptoms! I often do. It dawned on me that even though I don't drink every day, and I don't need too..maybe it's affecting me still? Like that month I went without drinking..maybe I was still affected even then? The anxiety I have and always have had..could it be worstened by the binges? Maybe if I abstain I will be able to enjoy more of this happy life that I now have. Maybe I won't worry and be anxious all of the time about things that aren't even happening. Maybe everytime it rains I won't panic and think a tornado is coming to kill us. Maybe I will see the maximum results for all the time I put in at the gym.
OK I know no ones reading this at this point because I kind of went crazy typing this but it was therapeutic anyway
Months after that I began to fall in love with one of my good friends. We grew up together and were only a week apart in age. His birthday was one week after mine. We played guitar together in high school. We both loved music and art. He was a single father in the Navy and his son was the same age as mine. We all loved one another. It was perfect and over time we became like a family. Finally I saw the happy life I was meant to live and felt I found my place. We were going to get married and move in together. One week shy of our one year anniversary, which happened to be April fools day, he mysteriously disappeared in a blizzard while his ship was in port Boston. His body was found in Boston harbor and ruled accidental. My world was turned upside down. The depression I will never be able to describe. I kind of checked out mentally. I have a lot of guilt because I know i wasn't the mom I shouldve been during that time. I am lucky that I had my parents during that time to help with my son, but it also made it easy for me to not be as responsible as I should have been. I was drinking a whole lot. I mean, that's pretty much all I did really for a few months. Luckily I never got behind the wheel drunk or hurt myself or anyone else, and I didn't start doing drugs. Eventually I got it together to be there for my son. I stopped drinking every day but I would still get drunk at night frequently. I broke down and cried all of the time. I couldn't stop thinking about him, I didn't understand why he had to go. I KNEW we were meant to be and because of that I knew i would never find love again.
...but I did. I fell in love with a man whose birthday is one week before mine (albeit 3 yrs earlier
and has the same name as the best friend I use to raid liquor cabinets with. We met at a love metal concert. We were drunk of course and planned to get married the next day. We didn't, but we are now and we have a beautiful little girl. I am so happy. It just so happens we live only a few miles away from where my boyfriend lived, and even though I'll always miss him I feel like he kind of put us together..there are some eerie coincendces. I KNOW we are meant to be. Ive gone through a lot and I never thought I'd be happy. So when I binge drink (which is on average probably every 1 and a half weeks) it's not because I'm depressed. Its just because I love to get drunk. I also drink moderately in between but I have to limit myself most of the time because Im a stay at home mom. When I have the opportunity though, I drink so much that I sometimes end up laying in bed with a pounding head the next day except to get up and puke. But I never feel like I need to drink. I didn't drink the entire month of May just to make sure I didn't have a problem and it was easy for me. But I think I do have a problem.Recently, we went to stay with my parents for a week and directly after that, my inlaws took the kids for a week. So for those two weeks I was free to do what I wanted. I pretty much stayed drunk. Towards the end I started feeling really bad and depressed. I felt like I was making myself drink just because I could. My anxiety (which has always been bad) went crazy and I started to feel tired and ugly. So after the kids came back, I started doing research and came across PAWS. I had every one of the symptoms! I often do. It dawned on me that even though I don't drink every day, and I don't need too..maybe it's affecting me still? Like that month I went without drinking..maybe I was still affected even then? The anxiety I have and always have had..could it be worstened by the binges? Maybe if I abstain I will be able to enjoy more of this happy life that I now have. Maybe I won't worry and be anxious all of the time about things that aren't even happening. Maybe everytime it rains I won't panic and think a tornado is coming to kill us. Maybe I will see the maximum results for all the time I put in at the gym.
OK I know no ones reading this at this point because I kind of went crazy typing this but it was therapeutic anyway
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome to the forum - All I can say is wow, you've been through a lot. I think it's good to look at the role alcohol/drugs have played in your life. I know that even before I thought I had a real problem with alcohol, I made some crazy decisions after drinking or using drugs. I'm lucky in one sense that I don't have a list of tragic consequences.
If alcohol or drugs creates problems for you, then it's a problem. The fact that you had two weeks of time away from the kids and chose to "pretty much stay drunk" is a huge indication that you're not a social drinker. Another red flag is when your drinking starts to progress: you drink more often, think about it more, etc.....
It doesn't take drinking every day to be an alcoholic, or to ruin a life. I think you're really wise to consider stopping now. Stick around - we're here for support!
If alcohol or drugs creates problems for you, then it's a problem. The fact that you had two weeks of time away from the kids and chose to "pretty much stay drunk" is a huge indication that you're not a social drinker. Another red flag is when your drinking starts to progress: you drink more often, think about it more, etc.....
It doesn't take drinking every day to be an alcoholic, or to ruin a life. I think you're really wise to consider stopping now. Stick around - we're here for support!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Welcome ilikegypsypunk
My life improved immeasurably when I stopped drinking...the anxiety and paranoia I used to feel, even when sober, was incredible.
I think as long as we continue to drink, no matter how little, or whether it's daily or not, we're still stuck in that cycle.
I needed to break the cycle - and get up some months of sober time - before I felt 'normal' again.
D
My life improved immeasurably when I stopped drinking...the anxiety and paranoia I used to feel, even when sober, was incredible.
I think as long as we continue to drink, no matter how little, or whether it's daily or not, we're still stuck in that cycle.
I needed to break the cycle - and get up some months of sober time - before I felt 'normal' again.
D
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