Now What Do I Do???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
Now What Do I Do???
So, my alcoholic boyfriend of a year and a half has really outdone himself this time. A little background: We have lived together since January. Prior to that, he was living with friends (a middle aged couple and their son). These are the most disgusting people I have ever met in my life. They do not bathe, they do not clean, they drink from 7am til they pass out at night. Their home should be condemned and their child taken out of their custody. Their child has fetal alcohol syndrome, type 1 diabetes, asthma, allergies, etc.
Last summer after I couldn't wake up my boyfriend in my home after I returned home from a girls night out (I was slapping him across the face, screaming at him, shaking him, spraying water on him, etc.), I told him that was it! He either quit drinking, or I was gone, because I would not live my life that way. He told me that nothing in this world was more important than me, and he didn't have a drinking problem, and if he was at risk of losing me, he would stop. And, he did.
However, even though he spent most of his time at my place, every time he went home to these disgusting people, they would try to get him to drink. Their entire lives revolve around nothing but drinking. All they do is drink, all they talk about is drinking, etc. He would tell them that he didn't want to drink, please stop asking him. Every time one of them would get up for another, they would ask him if he wanted one. He would get mad at them every time for asking. They would even go out and buy him beer so that it was there for him if he wanted it.
So, in November, I bought a new house, and my son didn't really feel comfortable with him living with us yet. So, I told him that he had to stay at home and with me on the weekends. Two weeks later, I suspected he was drinking again. And, who could really blame him when that is all he was around, and they were practically trying to shove it down his throat. They would even make fun of him for not drinking. He lied to me about it for a couple weeks, then finally admitted it to me.
He said he needed to think about things and maybe we should take some time apart. His relationship with them was bad also, and after a week, he called me and wanted me back. He said that he didn't have a problem, and he just liked drinking, but promised that he wouldn't drink as much. I then thought to myself, that I can't make him choose, that the only way he will ever stop is if he wants to. He seemed pretty under control for awhile, and at the beginning of January, he moved in because he couldn't stand living there anymore. He hates dirty things, he hates being dirty himself, and he wanted away from them.
Fast forward a few months to me being upset when he was drinking, trying to avoid him, him blaming me for his drinking saying that I don't spend any time with him, etc. It became a habit for him to go to their house every time he had a day off and drink with them. He would come home around 9pm, and I would just avoid him.
At the end of May, I came home one night from work. We were supposed to have a talk about the drinking because he knew it was bothering me. I came home and he was blaring music, cleaning the house, and 3 sheets to the wind. He barely noticed I was there. So, I decided to just go to bed. He came in the bedroom and started yelling at me for not helping him clean. I told him I had just worked for 12 hours, and did not feel like cleaning at 10 pm. I don't remember what he said after that, but I jumped out of bed and started yelling at him. He sat at the kitchen table with his beer, and asked me what my problem was. I grabbed the can and slammed it down on the table saying this is my problem. Of course, beer went all over him. So he grabbed the can and sprayed beer all over me and the kitchen. He then called his "so called friend" to come pick him up. I told him I didn't want him to leave, knowing that his friend was drunk and didn't want him to get in a car with him (he has already been a passenger in a car accident with a DD and has a compression fracture in his spine as a result). So, then he called the cops telling them that I would not let him leave. I was so incredibly embarrassed when the cops arrived. He was already sitting outside with his case of beer waiting for his ride.
So, he left. I didn't talk to him the next day. two days later, he came back to talk. I told him that I am worried about him. He told me that he doesn't have a problem. That if he was drinking every day, he could see me being worried, but he doesn't, so there is no problem.
Things settled down a little bit. On july 2nd, he took off work to go to his friends kids birthday party (which is not a kids bday party, being that there were no kids there, just a bunch of drunks). He told me at 8pm that he would be home soon. Then I never heard from him. I texted him at 1am, and got no response. The next morning, I texted him and got no response. So I checked his bank account, and saw that he took every penny out in a town about a half hour away from where the party was. He finally got ahold of me around 2pm, and said that he was waiting for a third friend to take him home and he fell asleep and he just woke up. Now, the third friend is just as bad as the couple. He will use my bf for free beer, money, etc. and never pay him back. He only calls him when he wants something. So, being that I am not stupid, I surmised that him and said friend were out at a bar and my bf spent all of his money on getting his "buddy" drunk.
He promised it would never happen again, except he never told me the truth. He asked me if I could buy him a pack of cigarettes and I told him no, as I know that would have been enabling him. I left him with no money til he got paid.
He didn't talk to any of them or go hang out with any of them for 2 weeks. This past Friday, he got a call from another friend that there was another Birthday Party Saturday. He worked til 7pm, and had this friend come pick him up and take him to the party. He text me at 9 to see if I was done working. I called him and told him I was just leaving and asked if he wanted me to come pick him up. He said no that his "buddy" was going to bring him home and that they were leaving soon. An hour later, I text him and asked if he was on his way. 45 min later he replied and said he would be home soon. An hour later I text again and he said that they were taking someone else home and he would be home soon. I tried to call him and he answered and hung up. So, I went to bed.
He again, never came home, never called, and drained his bank account again! I didn't try to reach him the next day, and finally at 6pm, he text me and said that he was just going to move out because he keeps messin up and he doesn't want to keep hurting me. I said ok, and that I hope he is happy with the decisions that he made and the direction he has chosen to take his life in.
I didn't hear from him until Tuesday when he said he was going to bring me money on Saturday for bills. He then continued to text me and tell me he loves me and he didn't want to lose me, and he just doesn't think we should live together. He wanted to continue dating without living here so he could have the best of both worlds. I told him no, I was not interested in that.
Later that night, he said he can't stop thinking about us. I asked him if he was happy, and he said he didn't know. I told him to think about what would make him truly happy and about how he wants to live his life. And I also told him to do it for himself, not for me. He said he has already started to do so.
We texted back and forth a little on Wednesday, then it stopped. He then proceeded to start commenting on all of my facebook posts (which had nothing to do with him or us), I was merely just trying to make him see that I am ok, and I can be happy without him. So, then he started posting things on facebook himself, and I started commenting on them. But, then I realized that he was just trying to see what I was doing by putting stuff on there. To see if I was thinking about him, etc. So I stopped.
Last night, he posted on facebook "Not in a very good mood tonight, lots of thoughts" I never commented on it, so then he texted me at 11:30pm and asked me if I could help him figure something out on his phone, which was total bs. I didn't reply, so he text me two more times, and I finally replied "Sorry, I can't help you." Then he put on facebook at 1:15am "Wtf, I can't sleep."
I have not received any more texts, or calls. He just about 20 minutes ago commented on my facebook post twice and the second time it was a question, so he is trying to get me to reply, but I am not interested in talking to him via the internet. He is hiding from the truth and trying to keep me in his life to an extent.
I do love him, but I know if he doesn't want to change, I will be miserable for the rest of my life. from the comments he has made, what are your opinions? It sounds to me like he is trying to evaluate his life a little bit? I would not take him back if he did not initiate getting himself help. But, am I right to just simply ignore him until he decides he wants to discuss his problem?
I know they say people ask for advice when they already know the answer, but I see glimpses of him wanting to change, and fear of changing. I know there are some people who do get help and lead a normal life. Do you think he has a chance?
Side Note: When he did quit last summer, he stated all the time how much better he felt, he wasn't sick all the time, he wasn't tired, he had energy, and appetite, and he did admit during this time that he had a problem. But, when he's back to drinking, he says he has no problem.
Sorry so long.
Last summer after I couldn't wake up my boyfriend in my home after I returned home from a girls night out (I was slapping him across the face, screaming at him, shaking him, spraying water on him, etc.), I told him that was it! He either quit drinking, or I was gone, because I would not live my life that way. He told me that nothing in this world was more important than me, and he didn't have a drinking problem, and if he was at risk of losing me, he would stop. And, he did.
However, even though he spent most of his time at my place, every time he went home to these disgusting people, they would try to get him to drink. Their entire lives revolve around nothing but drinking. All they do is drink, all they talk about is drinking, etc. He would tell them that he didn't want to drink, please stop asking him. Every time one of them would get up for another, they would ask him if he wanted one. He would get mad at them every time for asking. They would even go out and buy him beer so that it was there for him if he wanted it.
So, in November, I bought a new house, and my son didn't really feel comfortable with him living with us yet. So, I told him that he had to stay at home and with me on the weekends. Two weeks later, I suspected he was drinking again. And, who could really blame him when that is all he was around, and they were practically trying to shove it down his throat. They would even make fun of him for not drinking. He lied to me about it for a couple weeks, then finally admitted it to me.
He said he needed to think about things and maybe we should take some time apart. His relationship with them was bad also, and after a week, he called me and wanted me back. He said that he didn't have a problem, and he just liked drinking, but promised that he wouldn't drink as much. I then thought to myself, that I can't make him choose, that the only way he will ever stop is if he wants to. He seemed pretty under control for awhile, and at the beginning of January, he moved in because he couldn't stand living there anymore. He hates dirty things, he hates being dirty himself, and he wanted away from them.
Fast forward a few months to me being upset when he was drinking, trying to avoid him, him blaming me for his drinking saying that I don't spend any time with him, etc. It became a habit for him to go to their house every time he had a day off and drink with them. He would come home around 9pm, and I would just avoid him.
At the end of May, I came home one night from work. We were supposed to have a talk about the drinking because he knew it was bothering me. I came home and he was blaring music, cleaning the house, and 3 sheets to the wind. He barely noticed I was there. So, I decided to just go to bed. He came in the bedroom and started yelling at me for not helping him clean. I told him I had just worked for 12 hours, and did not feel like cleaning at 10 pm. I don't remember what he said after that, but I jumped out of bed and started yelling at him. He sat at the kitchen table with his beer, and asked me what my problem was. I grabbed the can and slammed it down on the table saying this is my problem. Of course, beer went all over him. So he grabbed the can and sprayed beer all over me and the kitchen. He then called his "so called friend" to come pick him up. I told him I didn't want him to leave, knowing that his friend was drunk and didn't want him to get in a car with him (he has already been a passenger in a car accident with a DD and has a compression fracture in his spine as a result). So, then he called the cops telling them that I would not let him leave. I was so incredibly embarrassed when the cops arrived. He was already sitting outside with his case of beer waiting for his ride.
So, he left. I didn't talk to him the next day. two days later, he came back to talk. I told him that I am worried about him. He told me that he doesn't have a problem. That if he was drinking every day, he could see me being worried, but he doesn't, so there is no problem.
Things settled down a little bit. On july 2nd, he took off work to go to his friends kids birthday party (which is not a kids bday party, being that there were no kids there, just a bunch of drunks). He told me at 8pm that he would be home soon. Then I never heard from him. I texted him at 1am, and got no response. The next morning, I texted him and got no response. So I checked his bank account, and saw that he took every penny out in a town about a half hour away from where the party was. He finally got ahold of me around 2pm, and said that he was waiting for a third friend to take him home and he fell asleep and he just woke up. Now, the third friend is just as bad as the couple. He will use my bf for free beer, money, etc. and never pay him back. He only calls him when he wants something. So, being that I am not stupid, I surmised that him and said friend were out at a bar and my bf spent all of his money on getting his "buddy" drunk.
He promised it would never happen again, except he never told me the truth. He asked me if I could buy him a pack of cigarettes and I told him no, as I know that would have been enabling him. I left him with no money til he got paid.
He didn't talk to any of them or go hang out with any of them for 2 weeks. This past Friday, he got a call from another friend that there was another Birthday Party Saturday. He worked til 7pm, and had this friend come pick him up and take him to the party. He text me at 9 to see if I was done working. I called him and told him I was just leaving and asked if he wanted me to come pick him up. He said no that his "buddy" was going to bring him home and that they were leaving soon. An hour later, I text him and asked if he was on his way. 45 min later he replied and said he would be home soon. An hour later I text again and he said that they were taking someone else home and he would be home soon. I tried to call him and he answered and hung up. So, I went to bed.
He again, never came home, never called, and drained his bank account again! I didn't try to reach him the next day, and finally at 6pm, he text me and said that he was just going to move out because he keeps messin up and he doesn't want to keep hurting me. I said ok, and that I hope he is happy with the decisions that he made and the direction he has chosen to take his life in.
I didn't hear from him until Tuesday when he said he was going to bring me money on Saturday for bills. He then continued to text me and tell me he loves me and he didn't want to lose me, and he just doesn't think we should live together. He wanted to continue dating without living here so he could have the best of both worlds. I told him no, I was not interested in that.
Later that night, he said he can't stop thinking about us. I asked him if he was happy, and he said he didn't know. I told him to think about what would make him truly happy and about how he wants to live his life. And I also told him to do it for himself, not for me. He said he has already started to do so.
We texted back and forth a little on Wednesday, then it stopped. He then proceeded to start commenting on all of my facebook posts (which had nothing to do with him or us), I was merely just trying to make him see that I am ok, and I can be happy without him. So, then he started posting things on facebook himself, and I started commenting on them. But, then I realized that he was just trying to see what I was doing by putting stuff on there. To see if I was thinking about him, etc. So I stopped.
Last night, he posted on facebook "Not in a very good mood tonight, lots of thoughts" I never commented on it, so then he texted me at 11:30pm and asked me if I could help him figure something out on his phone, which was total bs. I didn't reply, so he text me two more times, and I finally replied "Sorry, I can't help you." Then he put on facebook at 1:15am "Wtf, I can't sleep."
I have not received any more texts, or calls. He just about 20 minutes ago commented on my facebook post twice and the second time it was a question, so he is trying to get me to reply, but I am not interested in talking to him via the internet. He is hiding from the truth and trying to keep me in his life to an extent.
I do love him, but I know if he doesn't want to change, I will be miserable for the rest of my life. from the comments he has made, what are your opinions? It sounds to me like he is trying to evaluate his life a little bit? I would not take him back if he did not initiate getting himself help. But, am I right to just simply ignore him until he decides he wants to discuss his problem?
I know they say people ask for advice when they already know the answer, but I see glimpses of him wanting to change, and fear of changing. I know there are some people who do get help and lead a normal life. Do you think he has a chance?
Side Note: When he did quit last summer, he stated all the time how much better he felt, he wasn't sick all the time, he wasn't tired, he had energy, and appetite, and he did admit during this time that he had a problem. But, when he's back to drinking, he says he has no problem.
Sorry so long.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I can see you are hurting and worried and I am sorry for that.
I think the answers to most of your questions are in your post. You see the situation, he sees the situation, you've talked about it several times.
My biggest concern on reading your post is for your son and the child of his middle aged friends.
Their child is already living what your son may end up living.
I think the answers to most of your questions are in your post. You see the situation, he sees the situation, you've talked about it several times.
My biggest concern on reading your post is for your son and the child of his middle aged friends.
Their child is already living what your son may end up living.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
cin0918, welcome to SR.
I am sorry you are going trough this. One of the big things here is the 3 c's.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
The drinking is his problem and he will get help only when he is ready to, if ever.
What you can do is begin to work on yourself and creating a safe environment for your son. He is an adult and he can take care of his own problems.
Based on my own experience I would strongly recommend go to at least 6 al-anon meetings. Try different meetings until you find one you really like. At al-anon you can get the tools and support you need to start your own recovery. A's can inflect a lot of damage on the people around them.
Read and post here often. There is tons of wisdom and support to be found in these threads.
Your friend,
I am sorry you are going trough this. One of the big things here is the 3 c's.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
The drinking is his problem and he will get help only when he is ready to, if ever.
What you can do is begin to work on yourself and creating a safe environment for your son. He is an adult and he can take care of his own problems.
Based on my own experience I would strongly recommend go to at least 6 al-anon meetings. Try different meetings until you find one you really like. At al-anon you can get the tools and support you need to start your own recovery. A's can inflect a lot of damage on the people around them.
Read and post here often. There is tons of wisdom and support to be found in these threads.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Central Ohio
Posts: 119
Your story reads so much like my own. My XABF moved out and back three times in the last two years. Always returning with the promise to quit drinking. And really the drinking wasn't as much of an issue as the lying. Mine did like yours, he'd just go MIA and not come home for a night. I can't imagine what he would do if I ever tried that, but I'm just supposed to set back and smile with my mouth shut and accept the crumbs he threw.
I want more then that. It hurts like hell. I love him so much, but I can't keep living like this.
I want more then that. It hurts like hell. I love him so much, but I can't keep living like this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by m1k3 
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
The drinking is his problem and he will get help only when he is ready to, if ever.
He is an adult and he can take care of his own problems.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
The drinking is his problem and he will get help only when he is ready to, if ever.
He is an adult and he can take care of his own problems.
Welcome and keep coming back. It's a process...good luck!
~T
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Welcome.
You have received a lot of great information. Expanding on the 3 C's that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you cannot cure it: neither did any of his friends.
Blame-shifting is one of the things we've all tried while in the midst of the disease of alcoholism. It is something that you will do well to understand more about to be able to step forward in your recovery. Your life has become unmanageable.
What you do now?: you may pack your toolbox with all the tools of recovery for yourself. You've heard some great places to start right here in this thread.
Blessings!
You have received a lot of great information. Expanding on the 3 C's that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you cannot cure it: neither did any of his friends.
Blame-shifting is one of the things we've all tried while in the midst of the disease of alcoholism. It is something that you will do well to understand more about to be able to step forward in your recovery. Your life has become unmanageable.
What you do now?: you may pack your toolbox with all the tools of recovery for yourself. You've heard some great places to start right here in this thread.
Blessings!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
thank you all for your thoughts and opinions. But, I have to say, that my son is not really an issue here. He is 14 years old, and he isn't home when any of this stuff is happening. BF doesn't drink when he is home, so my son doesn't even know that any of this is going on. I'm not making excuses, and my son is the most important thing in my life, and if it was affecting him in any way, shape or form, there is no way I would put up with it for one second. I would NEVER allow anything to hurt him ever.
So he called me last night. He asked me to check his bank account for him because he lost his debit card. We started talking and he said that he has been thinking a lot about the person he has come to be, and that he wishes that he had never picked up his first beer, he wishes that he made more money, he wishes that he never hurt me or anyone who has ever cared about him. He said he hasn't talked to his "buddy" that he was out with all week because he knows that he can't control himself when he is with him. He said that he wants this guy out of his life. He knows the guy just uses him, and that the worst of the bad things happen when he is with him. He said that he doesn't want to be a loser like him. He said that he misses me like crazy and he can't believe that he allowed himself to hurt me. He basically said he has been feeling really bad about himself and that he doesn't like who he is. He said that he wants to have a good life, but "he is who he is".
I told him that I know he isn't trying to hurt me, and it hurts me more that I can't help him. I told him that he can change who he is, and that he can be anything that he wants to be, but only he has the power to make that decision. I can't make it for him. I told him that if he decides he wants to change his life, that I will help him in any way I can, but if he decides to continue the way he is, that I can't do anything for him.
He asked if we could get together and talk. He said that he wants nothing more than to be with me, and he misses me like crazy, he can't sleep, he can't eat, he can't stop thinking about me, etc. He said that he knows if he wants to work on us making it that he knows he has to make changes.
We both work until 9 tonight, and then he is coming over so we can talk. So, now what do I say to him? I know I can't give him an ultimatum, and I know I can't just tell him everything will be ok, and we will figure it out. I know I can't allow him to come home if he wants to continue to drink, but I can't be the one to tell him to stop. Where do I go from here?
So he called me last night. He asked me to check his bank account for him because he lost his debit card. We started talking and he said that he has been thinking a lot about the person he has come to be, and that he wishes that he had never picked up his first beer, he wishes that he made more money, he wishes that he never hurt me or anyone who has ever cared about him. He said he hasn't talked to his "buddy" that he was out with all week because he knows that he can't control himself when he is with him. He said that he wants this guy out of his life. He knows the guy just uses him, and that the worst of the bad things happen when he is with him. He said that he doesn't want to be a loser like him. He said that he misses me like crazy and he can't believe that he allowed himself to hurt me. He basically said he has been feeling really bad about himself and that he doesn't like who he is. He said that he wants to have a good life, but "he is who he is".
I told him that I know he isn't trying to hurt me, and it hurts me more that I can't help him. I told him that he can change who he is, and that he can be anything that he wants to be, but only he has the power to make that decision. I can't make it for him. I told him that if he decides he wants to change his life, that I will help him in any way I can, but if he decides to continue the way he is, that I can't do anything for him.
He asked if we could get together and talk. He said that he wants nothing more than to be with me, and he misses me like crazy, he can't sleep, he can't eat, he can't stop thinking about me, etc. He said that he knows if he wants to work on us making it that he knows he has to make changes.
We both work until 9 tonight, and then he is coming over so we can talk. So, now what do I say to him? I know I can't give him an ultimatum, and I know I can't just tell him everything will be ok, and we will figure it out. I know I can't allow him to come home if he wants to continue to drink, but I can't be the one to tell him to stop. Where do I go from here?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Fast forward a few months to me being upset when he was drinking, trying to avoid him, him blaming me for his drinking saying that I don't spend any time with him, etc. It became a habit for him to go to their house every time he had a day off and drink with them. He would come home around 9pm, and I would just avoid him.
As a mother, I assure you your son is being affected by the drama of this relationship.
Are you honestly able to say that you are not distracted by this man's drama when your son is in your home?
Are you able to focus on your son's words, needs, actions while dealing with your man's drama?
Is your household not affected by his lack of funds?
Is your household not affected by his late nights?
I ask those questions, because those are questions I had to ask myself about ending my relationship with my alcoholic. There were no fights, hateful comments, snide remarks or physical assaults.
However, there were lots of eggshells to walk on, worrying to keep me distracted from my children, stress to keep me irritable, caretaking of his things that drained my time and energy from my children, and guilt because I couldn't be everything to everybody.
I needed to accept step one:
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable"
As a mother, I assure you your son is being affected by the drama of this relationship.
Are you honestly able to say that you are not distracted by this man's drama when your son is in your home?
Are you able to focus on your son's words, needs, actions while dealing with your man's drama?
Is your household not affected by his lack of funds?
Is your household not affected by his late nights?
I ask those questions, because those are questions I had to ask myself about ending my relationship with my alcoholic. There were no fights, hateful comments, snide remarks or physical assaults.
However, there were lots of eggshells to walk on, worrying to keep me distracted from my children, stress to keep me irritable, caretaking of his things that drained my time and energy from my children, and guilt because I couldn't be everything to everybody.
I needed to accept step one:
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable"
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Alanon will help you alot. I finally relalized it was his potential I was actually in love with- not who he was. It took a good friend of mine to look at me one day and say......"he's just a drunk!" It took lots of consequences before I opened my eyes. They say the more similarities your first (birth) family has to your relationship the harder it is to let go. Now- 4 yrs. post divorce I am so much better off. No contact is the way to go. Detach. Let go or be dragged. 
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