gibson3479

This is long but right now theres no way to shorten things :I managed to walk in the grocery store and not get tempted.It was a little weird though because my hands litterally started shaking as I was near the beer aisle.Im sure that was all in my head making it worse but either way I came home with a buggy full of healthy food and no alcohol.So I started putting away groceries and worked my way into going into my laundry room to finally through away the empty broken down beer boxes (I do this only about once a month because I worry about anyone seeing them in my outside trash can).I know for certain I had done this a month ago and this time I counted...in 3-4 weeks I had racked up at least 20 CASES.Out of that 20 (and that isnt counting the probably 10 liquor bottles and previous 12pack boxes that Ive already thrown out) my husband maybe had drank over a few weeks 12 of those beers and 1 case we bought when we had friends over for the 4th.We are behind on EVERY bill we have and well....you can do the math. How could I have been so selfish? My husband works 70 hour weeks and Ive literally drank through it....So then I decided to clean up another bad habit I make when drunk...I tend to hide empty beer bottles in random places so there arent as many in the trash....as if I think my husband and children dont realize how much Ive drank and what Im doing.....I found empty cans with straws in them (my weird preference) that I had drunkenly hid in my daughtees bathroom vanity on one or more of my attempts to slip away and down a few last oens before bed..I had forgot about them since (well I was drunk).How embarrassed and disgusted my children must feel to see this?There is no way they havent.Im so ashaimed of myself.Ive decided not to verbally tell my children yet that Im not drinking again..Ive already said it so much Im sure they wont believe me anyways.Instead I just plan to show them.My 10 year old will notice instantly,when Im on day 2 or so sober she always tells me "mommy you didnt drink in 2 days".....how pathetic right? I told my husband about me joing this group laTst night via emailing him at work .This was the email : Me:i love you baby! ! ! I had a great night with you last night just being "us"......and remembering it .Its amazing how many of those we have when Im not drinking... I hope I can do this this time. ....I did something last night....a new approach to help me with my drinking...something I should have done along time ago
Him:baby I love you so damn much!What was your new approach? Me?
Me:Well,you too but no...I joined this support group.Sounds stupid.So far Ive gotten a ton of great advice and alot of people who can relate to how hard this is....Ive tried every other approach...nothing else has worked ...obviously...Im hoping this does.I want myself back and to get my relationships back to great with you and my kids..and enjoy life with you without allowing liquid and the person it makes me ,ruin it.....and my body back (that part you can help with )
Him:I love you so much baby
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Im sure even he even though hopeful isnt to optimistic about me sticking to this.I can not continue putting my family through this.I really hope I can make this work.

Terminally Unique

I'm glad to hear that you're intending to stop the madness, but I sense a little timidity in your post, as if you are afraid to quit, or worse, feel that you can't. You can quit - anyone can. This "I really hope I can make this work" attitude isn't going to cut it, though - you need to go in guns a' blazin'.

Make a decision to never drink again, and then do whatever you need to do to accomplish it. I'll help you along with a simple question:

Dee74

Sounds to me like you're right where you need to be Gibson - thanks for the share - great post...keep moving forward

D

gibson3479

No,I know I can NOT drink again...ever.Ive failed at every attempt pf drinking sociably over the past 4 years of trying to stop.After 1 drink ,Im gone...there is NO stopping me without a huge fight.Im ok with that though.Honestly our lifestyles are calm to the point where we dont go to bars etc so I feel like I can avoid putting myself in that situation.I am more dangerous at home.Boredom.I am still very timid but I know I want and need this.Ive been an emotional wreck the past few days randomly crying out of guilt and shaime...I just have to find a way to remember this when Im tempted.As for this week (I can only start here) I avoided buying anything that I know will trigger it...sounds silly but I didnt even by food for the grille because grilling and beer come hand in hand with me....I left the store and filled my car up with gas and cut up my bank card.It will take a week for a new one...That may sound drastic but that leaves me with NO access to money for a week without a huge hassle.There can be no running in the store on a whim.My husband has agreed to not give me his.These sound petty Im sure but I am really concerned with the next few days. After that what my plans are to maintain this :I dont know yet.I cant think that far right now.

gibson3479

Also,I should mention literally EVERY person in my bio family (none who I am in contact with) are addicts of some sort..be it drugs or alcohol.My father killed himself while trying to get sober.I know the potential and the unlikliness that I cold ever have been or be in the future a social drinker (luckily Ive never attempted drugs or Im sure Id be long lost in that by now)

rae123

welcome & thank you for sharing your story!

Terminally Unique

You're going to have to "white knuckle" it for a couple weeks, probably, depending on your intake. At around 30 days, you should start to feel much better, and by 90, it's pretty much all psychological.

Just hang in there, and remember why you're quitting.

Fenris

Gibson, I don't think you should label the actions you're taking to get and stay sober as "silly", "petty", or "drastic". You are trying to save your life. No action is too extreme. Do whatever is required to achieve your goal.