changeschoices

I have another question for those who have much more experience than I do. My exBF was going to a lot of AA meetings, often twice a day. This sounded great to me at first--I was very happy to see him being so committed! But after a while, I thought maybe it wasn't so great that he was letting all of the other things in his life slide (looking for work, paying bills, daily living stuff) because he was mostly sleeping a lot and going to meetings. And while he was starting to work the steps with his sponsor, it seemed like he was more interested in going to lots of meetings than actually reading the Big Book and working the steps. I started to feel like was avoiding the rest of his life by going to lots of meetings, and I started to feel like he was avoiding being with me by going to meetings. And maybe he was, and he needed that distance.

It's all a moot point now since we're broken up, but does anyone have any perspective on this?

LexieCat

I would REALLY suggest you not try to analyze what he was doing.

I went to 90 meetings in 90 days. (Some days, twice.) I probably should have done more work with a sponsor.

*shrug*

I'm almost 3 years sober. You can't get "too much" AA in the beginning, IMO. And, yeah, for the first year I barely did what I had to do on the outside. I have a demanding job, but I sure wasn't giving it my all that first year. I was still getting my marbles back. Alcoholic drinking causes actual brain damage. I wasn't back to "almost normal" for two years.

Freedom1990

Count me in on that camp! Early sobriety was meetings, meetings, and did I mention meetings?!

DMC

Another, slightly more jaded perspective...
My XAH went to a LOT of meetings. And a lot of them happened to be at a bar. Meaning, he told me he was going to meetings, and it was a perfect cover.

"We went out for coffee afterwards..."

He fessed up one night long after we'd separated. But it explained why he did nothing but go to meetings and sleep.

So for those who are actually clinging to sobriety, it can be a great all-consuming thing. And for those needing an excuse to leave the house and drink... it can be a convenient excuse.

Take what you like.
D

fourmaggie

who am i to judge how many times the A's or NA's or CA's go to meetings....i am in AL ANON and i know i go to alot...why because I WANT TOO....

whats the saying say.."you may not get a hold of the meeting but the MEETING does get a hold on you">>> i dont think i am saying this rite....ANYONE? do u know the saying?

changeschoices

Thanks for the responses. To be honest, I have wondered at times if he was really going to all those meetings. Well, at this point, I hope he was going to meetings and I wish him the best. Me, I'm getting myself to AlAnon! A friend recommended a group she loves and I'm looking foward to getting started.

Hopeworks

my stbxh went to over 300 meetings in 5 months (he was in resdential treatment) and continued a heavy meeting schedule and working the steps upon release... he was doing great! But then... he completed the steps and slowed down on meetings. I commuicated my concern and that it would lead to relapse if he didn't rethink it. He didn't rethink it and 3 weeks ago he relapsed and went on a two week bender. He has been sober 3 days and allegedly went to a meeting today.

I had already set the boundary and we are seperated ... permanently. I don't think he has the discipline or desire to remain in a serious, commited recovery lifestyle and for him, a page 21 alcoholic that is what is going to take!

changeschoices

Hopeworks, I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's pretty disheartening, isn't it? Take care of yourself!

Tuffgirl

There are tons of good books out there if you are interested in understanding a bit more about the mind of an alcoholic. I know for me, finding some sense of understanding about my situation made it easier to find acceptance. Check out Amazon...and I also read the AA Big Book although I found it a bit hard to understand at first.

What I eventually came to is the conclusion that there is much I won't understand and I was spending a lot of time trying anyway, and when I switched the focus back to me, life became much more pleasant, and my RAH seemed to thrive once he had the space and freedom to focus on himself.

There's a saying here, "more to be revealed" and I believe in your situation, there will be more revealed. In the meantime, read up about alcoholism and detachment and such...it does help!

NYCDoglvr

It's not addiction to AA meetings, it's trying to survive, to stay sober. This is a life and death disease, so many don't return after a relapse. And, it's impossible for normal drinkers to understand the disease of alcoholism. I suggest putting the focus on your own life, not his.

Zube

You may wish to read the chapter "To Wives" in Alcoholic Anonymous. It paints a better picture of coping with the disease from a spouses (or girlfriend's) P.O.V.

Zube