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Should I delete her on facebook?

Old 07-09-2011, 12:32 AM
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Should I delete her on facebook?

Should I delete my daughter from Facebook? She no longer lives with us and she seems to want to continue partying with her friends as one of them just uploaded a few pictures from thier phone tagged her so I saw them.

Amber is visibly drunk (I'm assuming right now as I type this) She's wearing a swimsuit and is soaking wet The first picture shes flexing in a mirror with that dumb drunk look on her face. The second one of her friends is pulling down her bikini bottom while two others kiss one of her buttcheeks each, Ambers just smiling away. Another one got posted of her with the bottom pulled down and one of her drunk friends is sticking a vodka bottle close to her buttcrack like almost straight up in there and Amber is covering her mouth like "oh I'm being naughty". Then the last one is a front view of Amber with judging by the shape is a beer can in her swimsuit bottom making it look like a boner.

It's so digusting, I know you guys probably didn't need to hear those graphic images but I had to share them I just can't keep it to myself it's so hard. I want to just let her walk away and live her life the way she chooses until she wants to come back from help, if that day ever comes. I wanted to keep facebook as a way of contact but right I think I'm going to have to delete her I just can't see these things and not get worried about what she's doing. I mean I know she's drunk right now! I wanna cry. Do I need to delete her.
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Old 07-09-2011, 12:53 AM
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Hi Sheneedshelp,

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. Those images must make you feel sick. I think Facebook gives a lot of parents some insights that they probably wouldn't have had before the internet, but it's worse with someone in addiction.

I highly recommend deleting her. She knows where to find you and you presumably can be contacted by email? phone? cell phone? These are all things that I was told when I deleted my XABF a little over a year ago. It feels like you're cutting some kind of important thread, or making a statement. I guess you are, really - the "I can't watch you hurt yourself" statement. You're allowed to do that - it's ok. I felt like a ten tonne weight had been lifted when I finally hit delete and while I know it's different for a parent, you have a right to your own serenity - and a right to do whatever you need to do to protect it.

Hope this helps, better wisdom will be along shortly no doubt.

Hugs, SL.
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Old 07-09-2011, 03:51 AM
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Hi Sheneedshelp

I know that it will be difficult for you to delete your daughter from facebook as you are obviously hoping to use it as a lifeline with her but I promise you, if she needs you, she will definitely be in touch and presumably she knows where you live or has your telephone number.

I personally think you should delete her because its not doing YOU any good. It must feel like rubbing a sore wound every time you see her 'partying' and no good feelings can come from that.

My own DD20 deleted me from her facebook as she didn't want me to see what she gets up to out partying with her friends. I think she did the right and healthy thing. I am still on my eldest DD23 facebook, but we both live in different countries, she doesn't party and its another way of us keeping in contact.

I have just separated from my AH (23yrs) and deleted him straight away. I am going NC and I am going by the principle of 'what I dont know, wont hurt me' - that's a good saying for this situation.

Detach from this situation and hit the delete key! You know that though - its your gut reaction.
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Old 07-09-2011, 04:16 AM
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Gee, I know how difficult this is for you and your husband, and I am so sorry.

Unfortunately, she is doing this on purpose to upset you. Yes, if it were me, I would delete her facebook.

She sounds like she is also having another issue, she is becoming an exhibitionist. To me, the drinking is one thing, this is another. May just be me, I have had many alcoholics in my family and none of them did what she does.

As Eight Ball said, she knows where to find you, when and if she is ready for recovery.

In the meantime, keep posting, we are here for you.

Sending hugs and prayers your way.
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Old 07-09-2011, 04:26 AM
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Sheneedshelp - Absolutely I would delete her. As a further step I would (and have) deleted my entire facebook account. I was friends with many of my kids' friends and, honestly, it very much disturbed my own sense of peace and serenity to see the kind of sh*t they were up to. I mean, I can't control it, it disturbs me greatly, so what on earth is the point of watching it unfold every day? I don't miss facebook at all. The people I really want to stay in contact with, I can do in a million other ways.

Remember that you didn't let Amber go because you were trying to control her choices. You let her go so that you could properly concentrate on nurturing your younger children and yourself. Take whatever steps necessary--every minute of every day--to ensure that is what you are doing. In just a week or two you will be amazed at how much better you feel and you'll know that it's the right thing.

What other steps could you be taking to protect yourself?
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Old 07-09-2011, 05:28 AM
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Hi SNHelp;

I am so sorry that you are going through this agony, please remember that good parents CAN have bad kids...I agree with Dolly, she's doing this to upset you...she KNOWS you are looking on Facebook and it seems she is very much "in your face" with her behavior.

I've read a lot of your postings about your daughter's posting lewd pics. on facebook and I wasthinking the same thing, she is headed in a direction that has to do with exhibitionism with overtly sexual overtones...she feels some need to have public pictures...I wouldn't begin to try to Dx this one, but it points to really skewed sense of esteem...Protect your younger kids from this if you can...and please know that time is on your side.

Do you know where Amber is staying? Do you know where the pics. and the vodka are? Do you know the parents who supplied the liquor or older friend who bought it? These are options you might wish to explore. IDK how other parents feel about their kids doing this????? I can't believe that other parents don't know how their kids are acting or care....

I'm the odd man out here in thinking not to delete her from FB, because you can see where she is....but it's got to be more than painful for you....again I'm sorry you are going through this.
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Old 07-09-2011, 05:31 AM
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You can block her, then unblock her later if you choose.

When someone is driving me crazy with their behavior, it's my job to either accept it, let go, create a better boundary.

If unfriending her on FB helps you stop looking at pictures that upset you, that will be up to you.

For what it's worth, I see pictures like what your describing of young girls ALL the time on FB. I personally don't get it, but it's obviously a cultural thing for young girls to act like cheap idiots, in photos, and post them. It's bizarre, like some coming of age ritual that all girls between the ages of 17-26 do on FB.

I'm not saying it's appropriate (by my standards but i don't get to choose what other people do, only myself), but again, I see crap like that all the time. So she didn't invent it, but is participating in it.

She's moved out right? She is doing what she wants. You can't control her. Acceptance is your friend and I"m talking about acceptance of your choices. You choose to ask her to leave, she wasn't able to follow the guidelines of your home. What good is looking at all of her pictures, obsessing about them? I don't mean to sound harsh. The first thing I have to do when in your shoes is detach, and like someone else said, go make a better life for yourself.

It's tricky though when it's your child. I have different values when it comes to my kids, regardless of how old they are.

I have a relationship with my now 26 year old son that I worked very hard for. I don't always approve of what he does, but it's my job, my values, to make sure he knows I love him and that I know he can do the right thing. His choices are his.

I can't live with him. that's part of my boundary. But I'll be damned if my triggers are going to keep me from my child. And I've got triggers Honey, which is what it sounds like you are describing. It's horrible, you feel like you're going to die. So much anxiety. For me, the first step is getting that anxiety down.

Early on here at SR, I'm pretty sure I held the record for locked threads. I have PTSD so when that fight or flight insanity takes over, I literally feel my life is in danger and I will fight to the death. It's horrible. I've worked hard to treat it for 20 years.

So yes, I am triggered horrible by my sons behavoir sometimes, but I work harder on that than anything else in my life.

I go to his house about every other day. I am respectful, as it is his house. Yes, I judge him, especially when it comes to his behavior that affects me like Ambers is affecting you.

But I keep myself in check and work constantly towards accepting him for who he is. Accepting his choices as his and loving him regardless. I know lots of folks here have to have no contact with their addicted adult children. I'm just morally opposed to that--for me as my value system-I'm his mother. I gave birth to him and will not give up on him.

that doesn't mean I have to accept behavior around me that is unacceptable. There have been a few times when I've left, quietly, without even addressing what is bothering me.

I'm so glad I'm writing this. I haven' t thought about these things in a long time and I can see how far I"ve come with my son. The thought of not being around him is unbearable, not an option, so I have worked my program. Worked on accepting powerlessness over him and his choices. Worked instead on making sure he knows I love him, regardless of what he does and giving advice when asked.

That comes more frequently now. The asking of advice from me. I have been practicing detaching with love with him for about 5 years and am so grateful I've been able to do it. It's made me a better mother to him. Balanced. No raging or fighting. Lots of prayer, every day for that guys safety.

Hopefully, in time, you can separate out your issues, not be triggered by her and find some peace. This is my path, you'll find yours.

Love, Transform.
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Old 07-09-2011, 05:33 AM
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I am so sorry that you are going through this agony, please remember that good parents CAN have bad kids...I agree with Dolly, she's doing this to upset you...she KNOWS you are looking on Facebook and it seems she is very much "in your face" with her behavior.
Wow. I so disagree with this. I have a completely different value system. I would try to not take anything she does personally. This isn't a war between you and your "bad" daughter.
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Old 07-09-2011, 06:16 AM
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Certainly for your own peace, you can change some setting in Facebook so that she does not appear on your "feed", or whatever it's called.

She is, sadly, doing what young, party, alcoholics do. I don't think it is directed at you, but you do not need to maintain a front row seat.

Hugs and prayers, HG
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Old 07-09-2011, 06:17 AM
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Lots of young college kids posts crazy pictures on facebook. The issue is that your daughter is an alcoholic and needs help.
The sad part is that alcoholism is progressive and deadly. If she doesn't get help now and the alcoholism continues to progress this facebook thing is going to seem like nothing. If she is only 19 now what is her alcohol use going to look like when she turns the big 21? How about 25? I don't want to scare you but this is a likely reality. As bad as the behavior of your daughter seems now, this is only the beginning stages of alcoholism.
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Old 07-09-2011, 06:24 AM
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I rather doubt, too, that Amber is doing this intentionally to provoke you. After all, she was doing the same things when she was in college, before you asked her to leave your house.

I don't see that watching what she is doing on Facebook will do either one of you any good. It is upsetting and distressing to you.

She knows how to get in touch with you, as do, presumably, her friends. You can't do anything to prevent something bad happening, but people will be able to find you if it does. If it were I, I would block her on Facebook.
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Old 07-09-2011, 04:32 PM
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Thanks again for the support, I still haven't deleted her. I've gotten to the point of going to her profile and dragging the mouse over the button but I can't pull the trigger yet. It does give me a good insight into what she's doing and wheres she's at and that might be the only good reason to keep it and it might make sense to delete her bceause of all the disgusting pictures she likes to pose for when she gets drunk but right now I'm going to cling to my reason because I don't know where she's staying. I know where she stayed the first night, but right now I'm pretty sure she gets a friend to let her stay over on a night-by-night thing, that'd be my guess because If I had to guess she probably partied a fair amount last week without having to worry about what she's coming home to and just goes to some friend she got drunk with's house. It's the sad truth I'm realizing
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Old 07-09-2011, 05:04 PM
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To me, you need to do what you deem to be best for you and your peace.

Take care,
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Old 07-09-2011, 05:14 PM
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Personally I couldn't torture myself with pictures like that.

When I booted my AD out, she was homeless less than 24 hours.

She contacted me. I did not contact her.

I just refuse to engage in her insanity in any form, and that includes looking at party pictures.

You do what you need to do.
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Old 07-09-2011, 06:26 PM
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You know, I just remembered how I used to feel when I would snoop on AH. Like vomiting. My heart would race. It was awful.

I can't remember the process I went through to stop doing that. I think it was because I thought I would die if something didn't change. I remember that part. I also do remember being at AH's house one day and having the opportunity to look in his phone and instead of feeling entitled, like I needed to know in order to keep tabs on what he was really doing, because of how he lied to me so much of course. But that day i remember that, instead of wanting to know what he was doing, I wanted peace. I wanted to not have my heart broken.

And by that point, I had started to really engage in my life. Love it, you know.

I hope this helps. I want you to know you can have peace. It's hard work I say, but letting go of the obsession with my AH offers me the peace I've looked for all along.
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Old 07-09-2011, 07:08 PM
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I'd delete her. It sounds like it's eating away at you. It will give you a chance to distance yourself. It must be really hard to see those things.
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Old 07-09-2011, 10:22 PM
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you can go to the profile options and check the box that removes her posts from your wall. you won't see anything at all. But, if she wants to send you a message, she can.

Try it. I've done it with lots of facebook friends. I don't need to know every little detail about them. I use it to communicate with friends and family who also use it.

And, she won't know you've done it. You'll still show up as a friend on her list.
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Old 07-11-2011, 09:18 AM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
Sheneedshelp - Absolutely I would delete her. As a further step I would (and have) deleted my entire facebook account. I was friends with many of my kids' friends and, honestly, it very much disturbed my own sense of peace and serenity to see the kind of sh*t they were up to. I mean, I can't control it, it disturbs me greatly, so what on earth is the point of watching it unfold every day? I don't miss facebook at all. The people I really want to stay in contact with, I can do in a million other ways.
I'm going to give this a big +1.
Facebook is crap.

I'm willing to accept that as far as people's behavior goes, there's always a cat in the bag. I like keeping it there.

I know this doesn't help much but most of the posts I read from you involve pictures you found on facebook and how disappointed you feel. Last I recall, her grades came back up so I don't know where you are regarding her attendance at school. My guy is still little so I can't relate.

I did get in a fair amount of trouble on campus. My parents pulled the rug out on me in a big way and I learned my lesson. We didn't have FB back then but I reckon if my parents saw every bad thing I was doing, they would have yanked me out immediately and dropped me off at the nearest recruiters office.
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Old 07-11-2011, 11:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
I did get in a fair amount of trouble on campus. My parents pulled the rug out on me in a big way and I learned my lesson. We didn't have FB back then but I reckon if my parents saw every bad thing I was doing, they would have yanked me out immediately and dropped me off at the nearest recruiters office.
Mine, too! My parents didn't mess around...I am still a little bit scared of them at the age of 39.

I agree with the blocking feature. Create your own little shell around yourself...its the only way we can manage any serenity and peace in the midst of alcohol-fueled chaos.

Stay strong!
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:34 PM
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Does anyone know how to use the block feature? I'm at a point where I'm seriously considering it. I got on this morning and two pictures popped up posted Saturday. They weren't dirty but she can clearly tell she's been drinking in both of them. One her and one of girl friends are hugging each with big stupid drunk smiles, you can see the beer cans in the background and the other she's sitting on a counter wearing sunglasses indoors for God knows what reason laughing it appears and holding a keystone light.

At least she was fully clothed but considering they were posted Saturday that tells me she was drink (what looks like a lot) two nights in a row. It's pretty obvious she is doing what she wants without any fear of punishment now and I'm starting to get scared of what I'm going to see next. If anyone knows how to use that block button and would care to tell me, I'd like to know it might almost be time for that
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