Having a moment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Having a moment
Tonight sucks. Thankfully AH has been good about calling the kids before they go to bed. But still, there are nights he doesn’t. Like the past two. Funny how he usually remembers during the week, and will sometimes get mad if I don’t have them call him. Yet, here it is the weekend and not a peep out of him these past two nights. I keep drifting back to the past and I know I shouldn’t. It makes me crazy. Tonight I couldn’t help myself. I started thinking about when our kids were born. How excited he was, all the promise that laid ahead. How can a person want kids so bad, then turn into a freaking addict right after they are born? I just don’t get it. My kids are the biggest losers and it ticks me off so bad!
Now, they haven’t asked to call him, nor asked about him. Sadly, they have gotten used to mainly having me around. My parents were divorced, my dad was a serious alcoholic and it stunk. I hate that my kids are gonna have the life I had. It just kills me. To those who have walked this road, how do you get past this? This is the biggest pain that I feel. Yes, I have lost too. I’m hurting for myself…but when I think about the future of them not having him in there life much it tears me up inside.
I am feeling a lot of anger these days. He is moving on…right on down the same stinking path that he was on when he was here. It makes me sick. Yet, somehow I feel so darn stuck. Moving on for me has been horribly difficult. I’ve barely stuck my toe in the water yet. Why? Why can’t I move forward like he has???? I hate my life right now.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Now, they haven’t asked to call him, nor asked about him. Sadly, they have gotten used to mainly having me around. My parents were divorced, my dad was a serious alcoholic and it stunk. I hate that my kids are gonna have the life I had. It just kills me. To those who have walked this road, how do you get past this? This is the biggest pain that I feel. Yes, I have lost too. I’m hurting for myself…but when I think about the future of them not having him in there life much it tears me up inside.
I am feeling a lot of anger these days. He is moving on…right on down the same stinking path that he was on when he was here. It makes me sick. Yet, somehow I feel so darn stuck. Moving on for me has been horribly difficult. I’ve barely stuck my toe in the water yet. Why? Why can’t I move forward like he has???? I hate my life right now.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
For me, at times like this, before I move on I need to check my excess baggage. I can't face tomorrow with joy when I am still angry about yesterday.
Although it is my son who is the addict in my life, I still reached a point where I had to learn to live without him in my life because his active addiction was killing me too.
What helped me was meetings and working a program that helped me find my balance again. Instead of thinking about my son all the time, I began thinking about myself and was aware each day of how I was living.
Instead of living in fear and sadness, I learned slowly to embrace all the good things in my life. I learned how to distract myself with good thoughts and actions when my mind was taking me back to the darkness.
I found a hobby, I went to meetings, I walked and began to enjoy nature and I renewed friendships that had long been neglected when I was knee deep in my codependent way of living.
There will be wonderful new days ahead for you, I promise. You are just "in between" right now, in the place where you get to heal and rest before you move forward.
Hugs to you and your kids.
Although it is my son who is the addict in my life, I still reached a point where I had to learn to live without him in my life because his active addiction was killing me too.
What helped me was meetings and working a program that helped me find my balance again. Instead of thinking about my son all the time, I began thinking about myself and was aware each day of how I was living.
Instead of living in fear and sadness, I learned slowly to embrace all the good things in my life. I learned how to distract myself with good thoughts and actions when my mind was taking me back to the darkness.
I found a hobby, I went to meetings, I walked and began to enjoy nature and I renewed friendships that had long been neglected when I was knee deep in my codependent way of living.
There will be wonderful new days ahead for you, I promise. You are just "in between" right now, in the place where you get to heal and rest before you move forward.
Hugs to you and your kids.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My youngest daughter's dad has been a sober member of AA for 35+ years now. He spent one year, yes one year, when she was eight, getting to know her. Then the visitations trickled off to nothing. He only lives 35 miles away and has been retired for many years.
She's a beautiful woman now, 23 years old, an avid horsewoman and farrier. Does she have issues? Yes she does, but she also sees what recovery looks like by watching me, and she does watch.
I'm extremely proud of her and her accomplishments. She and I are extremely close.
There are far worse circumstances than growing up with a non-present father.
She's a beautiful woman now, 23 years old, an avid horsewoman and farrier. Does she have issues? Yes she does, but she also sees what recovery looks like by watching me, and she does watch.
I'm extremely proud of her and her accomplishments. She and I are extremely close.
There are far worse circumstances than growing up with a non-present father.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Your post touched me. Perhaps because I have my five year old grandson with me this weekend. His father (my AS) knows that his son is here with me but has made no effort to call him or come see him.
Yesterday, I was a little blue about it but then I said.....well......perhaps it's for the best and perhaps this is his HP's plans. Perhaps he is not in a "good" place right now and I would rather my grandson not be exposed to him if that's the case. I am not responsible for the relationship between my son and his own son anyway. I am only responsible for my own relationship with my grandson.
So.....once I had that settled in my mind.....I have been enjoying my time with this little guy. Does it make me sad that my son is missing all of the wonderful things that his son is saying and doing......yes. But I'm not going to impose that saddness on my grandson. I'm going to enjoy him and let him develop his own feelings and thoughts about his absent father. And I'll do my best to minimize any damage by being a loving grandmother. And someday, when he asks questions, I hope that I can answer them in a kind and loving manner.
I understand your anger and disappointment.
gentle hugs
ke
Yesterday, I was a little blue about it but then I said.....well......perhaps it's for the best and perhaps this is his HP's plans. Perhaps he is not in a "good" place right now and I would rather my grandson not be exposed to him if that's the case. I am not responsible for the relationship between my son and his own son anyway. I am only responsible for my own relationship with my grandson.
So.....once I had that settled in my mind.....I have been enjoying my time with this little guy. Does it make me sad that my son is missing all of the wonderful things that his son is saying and doing......yes. But I'm not going to impose that saddness on my grandson. I'm going to enjoy him and let him develop his own feelings and thoughts about his absent father. And I'll do my best to minimize any damage by being a loving grandmother. And someday, when he asks questions, I hope that I can answer them in a kind and loving manner.
I understand your anger and disappointment.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I understand your pain and also how difficult it is to move forward. It feels like "never never land".
One of the things that has helped me over the weekend is to figure out some of the things that I have learned from my husband. Yes....learned. I've learned how important it is to be consistent, loving, present, and kind. How I've learned that is being exposed to the opposite of that. I am reading a book called Spiritual Divorce that is helping me to look at things from a different perspective so that I don't have to carry this around with me. I'm struggling with a lot of the feelings that you are talking about and I am really wanting to work through them.
This isn't easy stuff......just sending you out some loving thoughts.
One of the things that has helped me over the weekend is to figure out some of the things that I have learned from my husband. Yes....learned. I've learned how important it is to be consistent, loving, present, and kind. How I've learned that is being exposed to the opposite of that. I am reading a book called Spiritual Divorce that is helping me to look at things from a different perspective so that I don't have to carry this around with me. I'm struggling with a lot of the feelings that you are talking about and I am really wanting to work through them.
This isn't easy stuff......just sending you out some loving thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Ann and Lightseeker, thanks so much for your kind words of support. I truly appreciate it. This is so hard. I know I will get through it eventually...it will take time and tying up loose ends that I have been hanging on to.
Kindeyes, thanks for sharing. It is similar what you have experienced. I'm glad you have come to a place of peace about it. I pray your son turns a corner sooner rather than later...not only for himself, but for his precious son whom he is missing out on. The saddest part is that you can not reclaim that time with your little ones. :-(
DeVon, your daughter is beautiful. It is good to hear that despite being abondoned by her dad, she is thriving. It is hard to not have a parent around. I went through that with my own dad...although he kept in touch, he did leave the state when I was almost 14 and I only saw him once 5 years after that just before he died.
Anyway, I wish I could figure out how to allow more time for the kids with their dad. Visits are supervised at this point and I just don't see enough change in him to make any changes at this point. But it weighs on me a lot as I know he loves them so much and they love him...and time lost can not be reclaimed. I can't help but feel somewhat responsible at times. I know that is crazy as I'm trying to protect them, but it is how I feel. AH has of course condemned me for it on many occasions and no matter how hard you try to not let those words cut, they do for me. I want him with them, so it just hurts so bad. In his case, I know he would probably spend more time with them if he could have them alone. But right now I can't go there...why do I carry this responsibility about it and guilt? Anyway, I am rambling now. Thanks for listening.
Kindeyes, thanks for sharing. It is similar what you have experienced. I'm glad you have come to a place of peace about it. I pray your son turns a corner sooner rather than later...not only for himself, but for his precious son whom he is missing out on. The saddest part is that you can not reclaim that time with your little ones. :-(
DeVon, your daughter is beautiful. It is good to hear that despite being abondoned by her dad, she is thriving. It is hard to not have a parent around. I went through that with my own dad...although he kept in touch, he did leave the state when I was almost 14 and I only saw him once 5 years after that just before he died.
Anyway, I wish I could figure out how to allow more time for the kids with their dad. Visits are supervised at this point and I just don't see enough change in him to make any changes at this point. But it weighs on me a lot as I know he loves them so much and they love him...and time lost can not be reclaimed. I can't help but feel somewhat responsible at times. I know that is crazy as I'm trying to protect them, but it is how I feel. AH has of course condemned me for it on many occasions and no matter how hard you try to not let those words cut, they do for me. I want him with them, so it just hurts so bad. In his case, I know he would probably spend more time with them if he could have them alone. But right now I can't go there...why do I carry this responsibility about it and guilt? Anyway, I am rambling now. Thanks for listening.
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