rose68

About a two months ago me and my AH had a huge blow up and the next day we talked and I had mentioned that I was starting Alanon for me, I also told him that when he drank more than 3 a day I refused to be near him(yes now I know how wrong that was to try and control it)

Well the thing is I have not mentioned him sticking to that three a day since then, but he does, sometimes less. I don't ask and don't mention his drinking unless he brings it up, which he does at time. So at these times I talk about the things I have learned about the disease itself(because his dad and brothers are all active alcoholics) and when he changes the subject I drop it.

I guess this is my question "is it wrong to have hope that some of the things I have said is sinking in?" I know most people say they have to reach the bottom before they wake up and do it for themselves, I guess I am wondering if anyone ever did it without reaching the "bottom" He has no contact with his dad or brothers because of past alcoholic behavior on their part, he wanted no more of their nonsense. He says he is happy that he is drinking less he feels better and has started to lose some of the beer gut he had started putting on.

I know people say moderation will not work and I do understand but has anyone ever cut down in order to quit and stayed sober. I am working on myself and my recovery, and he always ask after I go to meeting did I have a good one. I know I can't change him, I know I need to focus on self, I just wondered if there is reason to have hope?

seekingcalm

I believe that is a very difficult, if not impossible, question to answer.

Good for you that you are going to Al-Anon; it is wonderful how quickly we can learn to see things differently.

As I have learned, more will be revealed. In the meantime, taking care of yourself is always a good thing to do, and hope is always a good thing to have.

Freedom1990

As a recovering alcoholic, it was my personal experience that I could not cut down. That's implying I had some semblance of control over my consumption of alcohol.

Are you prepared to possibly live the rest of your life with an active drinker? He may never quit.

The drinking is only a symptom, and I know for a long time I didn't understand that.

My disease is threefold-physical, emotional/mental, and spiritual. If I don't address all 3 areas, I will drink again eventually, guaranteed.

I was so uncomfortable in my own skin when I wasn't under the influence that I could hardly stand it.

AcceptingChange

I agree, it's almost impossible to answer that question. Addicts can often cut back, especially when they value something that is threatened by their drinking. But once the situation returns to normal, their physical addiction may kick back in. Or, they may be able to cut back.

If you read the Alcoholism forum, there are many threads of "do i really need to abstain forever? Can't i just cut back?" People with life experience on this forum share their attempts to cut back, and their cutbacks were often a pause in their addiction, rather than a permanent behavior change. When you see the life destroying force of addiction and alcoholism, the only conclusion is that the addiction is so overwhelming as to make a person value only their drinking buzz. And then their waking time is consumed with that goal, which negatively impacts other things in their life, including significant relationships.

LexieCat

See what happens. I'd bet that he won't stick to his limits for long, but if he does, great. See what his behavior is in the meantime. If he is a miserable SOB but drinking only three drinks a day, that's probably WHY he is a miserable SOB.

Patience. It isn't easy to wait, but until we are all given a cyrstal ball, that's all we can do.

rose68

Thanks so much for your honest answers, I guess I really already knew the answer, just wanted it reconfirmed. The fight two months ago was because we were arguing and he decided to just stay at the job site that night because of storms in the area and a long drive home, the only problem was that because we were arguing he didnt let me know. So because of that he was sort of outed, he doesnt go around his family and mine didn't know he drank that much, but when he didn't come home at a reasonable hour, and he has never just not come home in all our years together. I called my family because I was worried he had been drinking and been in a wreck.

So the next day when I found out what had happen and he came home(full of apologies) he had to explain himself to a lot of people. My dad had a long talk with him(he has a lot of respect for my dad) and dad told him that he had worried everyone and acted irresponsible. He told my dad he had a lot going on he needed to work out and that he is going to start seeing a therapist, to help him figure some things out. I guess I was just hoping that maybe he had seen something in himself that he wanted to change, hence the cut back. Thanks again for the responses.

NoelleR

Hey rose68 ---

Per this thread's title.....: "Is it false hope?" .... I don't know about qualifying hope as 'false,' BUT, in response to your final question in your OP....: "...I just wondered if there is reason to have hope?..." I personally believe that there is always hope....

At the risk of offending (so I apologize in advance), let me close with a Biblical/Scriptural quote (try thinking of it as merely philosophical, not religious).....:

"But as for me, I will always have hope." Psalm 71:14


(o:
NoelleR

rose68

NoelleR Thank you so much and no need to apologize for the Scriture. I had my Bible right near me when you posted so I took the opportunity to read all of Psalms 71. Psalms has always been one of my favorite books to read in the Bible, such peace to be found in there. I have been reading a lot lately trying to learn to let go and let God. I let it go but find that I want to take it right back because I think I can so something different. Have to really work on in Gods time not mine. Thank you again for your response.