Real Life People and Situations
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Real Life People and Situations
Hi y'all.
Today is day 12. I'm looking forward to not counting.
On day 2, I spoke with my best friend about what happened to make me radically change my thinking. (I wrecked my car and someone elses.)
During that conversation, my BFF argued, invalidated, and belittled my thoughts. I was talking about personal accountability, powerlessness, wanting to surrender my will, etc. (which I haven't totally mastered in practice yet, fyi.) She said that my demanding job creates these problems. I said it's a spiritual sickness, and that I was trying to tell her something very personal, so please don't argue. She kept on arguing and I told her we needed to stop the conversation. Haven't spoken since. Although she is going around talking about me- about how I'm totally effed, in a really bad spot, gonna take a long time to get out of this trouble, my life is falling apart, etc. I'm really hurt and angry and trying to figure out how to deal with that.
She has told me while she was drunk that she thinks she could have a drinking problem. We know each other better than most married couples, and indeed lived together for years. Have watched each other try to moderate, judge each other and others, and ourselves for drinking and drinking behavior/lifestyle, all over fifteen years or so. I don't know if she does or doesn't, and interestingly I don't care, I mentioned it for context on the story. I feel extremely vulnerable telling her that I am an alcoholic, and won't be drinking anymore. I feel vulnerable even talking to her again, or seeing her after she was so rude and obtuse.
And thus, I don't want to be open to anyone in my life about what I'm doing. This conversation with her was so disastrous that I'm afraid of talking to anyone else. I'd "kind of" talked to a work friend who asked to go out to a bar, just said I wasn't drinking and it was because I wanted to maintain a clear head, that I can only speak for today but intend to live like that for (trailed off) and she was supportive- but the other day said she was worried about me. She and I have a plan tonight for movies and yoga tomorrow morning. I don't feel like hiding my big book, etc, but I also don't feel like making it a major subject of conversation.
Why were people not "worried" about me when I was drinking a bottle plus of wine alone every night? Why not when the car was skewed in the driveway in the morning? Why not when I had beer on my breath at work on Wednesday afternoon? Or showed up late with red rimmed eyes?
I've posted some messages of gratitude on Facebook, along with a couple of songs that are positive and spiritual. (note: not religious. I am not religious.) I don't think that's cause for worry. Worry from others about getting sober feels like having a stone tied around my neck and it makes me want to cut these people off. And I am trying not to be rash.
The AA community, and folks here, are great. But at some point I am going to have to integrate my other people in. At least some of them. I know it's not my business what they think. But at the same time, I am a little vulnerable. Nothing is numbing me right now. And I do have a doozy of a situation with my car, job, and other things, so don't want to stretch myself with emotional drama. Being sober is right, this is the right time for the life change, I feel totally sure of that. Is it right, though, to avoid other elephants in the room- ie, my friends and family? So much of my story is illustrated in the subject of "lying" in the big book. I don't want to lie to them or anyone anymore, I can't afford it. It feels like avoiding them is a way of lying.
Thanks for listening.
Today is day 12. I'm looking forward to not counting.
On day 2, I spoke with my best friend about what happened to make me radically change my thinking. (I wrecked my car and someone elses.)
During that conversation, my BFF argued, invalidated, and belittled my thoughts. I was talking about personal accountability, powerlessness, wanting to surrender my will, etc. (which I haven't totally mastered in practice yet, fyi.) She said that my demanding job creates these problems. I said it's a spiritual sickness, and that I was trying to tell her something very personal, so please don't argue. She kept on arguing and I told her we needed to stop the conversation. Haven't spoken since. Although she is going around talking about me- about how I'm totally effed, in a really bad spot, gonna take a long time to get out of this trouble, my life is falling apart, etc. I'm really hurt and angry and trying to figure out how to deal with that.
She has told me while she was drunk that she thinks she could have a drinking problem. We know each other better than most married couples, and indeed lived together for years. Have watched each other try to moderate, judge each other and others, and ourselves for drinking and drinking behavior/lifestyle, all over fifteen years or so. I don't know if she does or doesn't, and interestingly I don't care, I mentioned it for context on the story. I feel extremely vulnerable telling her that I am an alcoholic, and won't be drinking anymore. I feel vulnerable even talking to her again, or seeing her after she was so rude and obtuse.
And thus, I don't want to be open to anyone in my life about what I'm doing. This conversation with her was so disastrous that I'm afraid of talking to anyone else. I'd "kind of" talked to a work friend who asked to go out to a bar, just said I wasn't drinking and it was because I wanted to maintain a clear head, that I can only speak for today but intend to live like that for (trailed off) and she was supportive- but the other day said she was worried about me. She and I have a plan tonight for movies and yoga tomorrow morning. I don't feel like hiding my big book, etc, but I also don't feel like making it a major subject of conversation.
Why were people not "worried" about me when I was drinking a bottle plus of wine alone every night? Why not when the car was skewed in the driveway in the morning? Why not when I had beer on my breath at work on Wednesday afternoon? Or showed up late with red rimmed eyes?
I've posted some messages of gratitude on Facebook, along with a couple of songs that are positive and spiritual. (note: not religious. I am not religious.) I don't think that's cause for worry. Worry from others about getting sober feels like having a stone tied around my neck and it makes me want to cut these people off. And I am trying not to be rash.
The AA community, and folks here, are great. But at some point I am going to have to integrate my other people in. At least some of them. I know it's not my business what they think. But at the same time, I am a little vulnerable. Nothing is numbing me right now. And I do have a doozy of a situation with my car, job, and other things, so don't want to stretch myself with emotional drama. Being sober is right, this is the right time for the life change, I feel totally sure of that. Is it right, though, to avoid other elephants in the room- ie, my friends and family? So much of my story is illustrated in the subject of "lying" in the big book. I don't want to lie to them or anyone anymore, I can't afford it. It feels like avoiding them is a way of lying.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
May I offer a sober friend's perspective? My friend and coworker went into outpatient rehab several weeks ago and requested that I not contact him. I care about him and his recovery so I am waiting for the time when he is ready to speak to me again. But it's been difficult for me because I have no clue how he is doing, and am also a bit anxious that he may continue to shut me out when he returns from treatment. So there are probably some of your friends and family (like the coworker you mentioned) who do not want to be avoided and are waiting for you to let them know how they can help you. that's my situation, anyway.
Good luck with your recovery!!
Good luck with your recovery!!
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 245
Some people I used to drink with became resentful after I let them know I quit drinking. Sometimes, people see quitting drinking as an "I'm better than you statement".
There isn't a whole lot I can do about it, and in fact, I think the less I do about it, the better. Some of these friendships I've had to simply give up. If your friend is truly a friend, she will come around eventually.
Yea, re-integrating the "other people" into life is difficult. The way I see it though, with time, things are just going to take care of themselves. I made a huge lifestyle change, and it was a shock to my system, as well the people around me. It's just going to take some time for this lifestyle to feel completely natural. After all, nothing worthwhile is easy!
There isn't a whole lot I can do about it, and in fact, I think the less I do about it, the better. Some of these friendships I've had to simply give up. If your friend is truly a friend, she will come around eventually.
Yea, re-integrating the "other people" into life is difficult. The way I see it though, with time, things are just going to take care of themselves. I made a huge lifestyle change, and it was a shock to my system, as well the people around me. It's just going to take some time for this lifestyle to feel completely natural. After all, nothing worthwhile is easy!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
...right.
so IOW, saying "I quit drinking, I trust in a higher power" is (to them) saying "you should quit drinking, you should trust in a higher power, I do, I am better than you". because perhaps they can't see my statement as anything but an assessment of them. Interesting.
And what of "I'm worried about you"?
Hmmm.... maybe I'll try, "Um, don't worry." ?!
It had seemed so confusing and convoluted and hurtful to me, but I guess I can see that it's actually their own thing, none of my business, they can be in my life, or not.
Thanks.
so IOW, saying "I quit drinking, I trust in a higher power" is (to them) saying "you should quit drinking, you should trust in a higher power, I do, I am better than you". because perhaps they can't see my statement as anything but an assessment of them. Interesting.
And what of "I'm worried about you"?
Hmmm.... maybe I'll try, "Um, don't worry." ?!
It had seemed so confusing and convoluted and hurtful to me, but I guess I can see that it's actually their own thing, none of my business, they can be in my life, or not.
Thanks.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
You'll find your way through this, just stay focused.
I didn't tell anyone when I stopped drinking. I think, on some level, I was afraid I would be stressed out over someone's reaction. It was such a hard decision for me to reach, and I was SO very vulnerable, the last thing I needed was stress from family or friends. So, I just did it, and let people see and it worked well for me.
I didn't tell anyone when I stopped drinking. I think, on some level, I was afraid I would be stressed out over someone's reaction. It was such a hard decision for me to reach, and I was SO very vulnerable, the last thing I needed was stress from family or friends. So, I just did it, and let people see and it worked well for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Mi
Posts: 292
Man... Thats a tough situation and I wish I had some sort of advice to give. But I don't.
I will be facing that situation soon and there is one particular friend I fear may have the same response as your best friend.
I don't know what I'll do. I fear I will have to let that friendship go. I hope you don't have to.
I will be facing that situation soon and there is one particular friend I fear may have the same response as your best friend.
I don't know what I'll do. I fear I will have to let that friendship go. I hope you don't have to.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
It may not be so much that she feels you are implying you are better than her, but instead:
You have been drinking buddies for years. All of a sudden she is loosing her 'drinking partner'. OMG what am I going to do (fear), I don't have a problem (denial) she'll get over this (hope), etc etc etc
This is more likely what is going on in her head. IF you can, think how you would feel and what you would be thinking if the tables were turned and she had come to you with what you said to her.
Sometimes our best (drinking) friends are not our best friends in recovery. Some come around and some do not.
Right now you have to take care of you, and focus on working on you.
Congratulations on your decision to find sobriety!!!!!
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
You have been drinking buddies for years. All of a sudden she is loosing her 'drinking partner'. OMG what am I going to do (fear), I don't have a problem (denial) she'll get over this (hope), etc etc etc
This is more likely what is going on in her head. IF you can, think how you would feel and what you would be thinking if the tables were turned and she had come to you with what you said to her.
Sometimes our best (drinking) friends are not our best friends in recovery. Some come around and some do not.
Right now you have to take care of you, and focus on working on you.
Congratulations on your decision to find sobriety!!!!!
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
