Uncovering awareness!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Uncovering awareness!
Hey folks...
I finally dragged out Codependent No More a few days ago and re-started reading it!! I also printed out some great step worksheets and have re-started my step work. My step work is so much more productive when I'm more detached from my AH and his "stuff"! *big grins*
I have been really focused on ME lately and really aware of my behaviors. Really watching myself to SEE what I am doing so that I can more carefully plot out what I need to do for MY recovery. I remember bumping up against this spot in my recovery 6 years ago. I remember becoming aware of my Family of Origin (FOO) issues... and seeing how that affected me and how it probably impacted my decision to marry an alcoholic. I'm bumping up against all that again... and this time, I'm approaching it slowly, cautiously, and more focused on me and the benefit I receive from recovering from it (I think last time I was focused on - if I fixed this, I can save my marriage!!!)
Anywho... I had the opportunity to stop by my parents' house last night. I was dropping the kiddies off for a sleepover with their cousins. I walked in - and my dad was so unbelievably grumpy it was amazing. It hit me like a ton of bricks - there he was - a dry drunk. My mom gave him an ultimatum 35 years ago ("Stop drinking, or I'll leave and take the kids") - and he complied - stopped drinking but never recovered. He has all the "isms" - and my Mom (though she desperately denies it!) is a raging codependent. Ah, the family disease of alcoholism.
I love my father - I think it's so much easier to detach from him and his "isms"... because I don't live with him. But I saw his "dry-drunkeness"... and how miserable he was to be around. I said to my Mom, "Gosh Mom. Is he like this alot?" She said, "All my life. So remember that Shannon. You have only one life to live. Do you really want it to be like mine?" Yikers.
But, she's right. I was staring at my father and realized - I married my father! My AH, when not drinking, is the exact same way. Angry, frustrated and easily set off. I started to think about living with that (on/off with the active drinking, of course!) - for. the. rest. of. my. LIFE. GOOD GOD, no. And that's not to say that my AH couldn't turn out different that my father. He could chose to sober up, and go to AA.... and monkeys could fly out of my butt!
Sorry for my moment of cynicism. I digress...
Anyways, I realized that I need to stay in REALITY. I need to focus on me. Work my program. Get stronger. Healthier. Less codependent. Make (and stick to!) decisions that honor me. Or else....
25 years from now, I will be having the same conversation with my daughter.
I finally dragged out Codependent No More a few days ago and re-started reading it!! I also printed out some great step worksheets and have re-started my step work. My step work is so much more productive when I'm more detached from my AH and his "stuff"! *big grins*
I have been really focused on ME lately and really aware of my behaviors. Really watching myself to SEE what I am doing so that I can more carefully plot out what I need to do for MY recovery. I remember bumping up against this spot in my recovery 6 years ago. I remember becoming aware of my Family of Origin (FOO) issues... and seeing how that affected me and how it probably impacted my decision to marry an alcoholic. I'm bumping up against all that again... and this time, I'm approaching it slowly, cautiously, and more focused on me and the benefit I receive from recovering from it (I think last time I was focused on - if I fixed this, I can save my marriage!!!)
Anywho... I had the opportunity to stop by my parents' house last night. I was dropping the kiddies off for a sleepover with their cousins. I walked in - and my dad was so unbelievably grumpy it was amazing. It hit me like a ton of bricks - there he was - a dry drunk. My mom gave him an ultimatum 35 years ago ("Stop drinking, or I'll leave and take the kids") - and he complied - stopped drinking but never recovered. He has all the "isms" - and my Mom (though she desperately denies it!) is a raging codependent. Ah, the family disease of alcoholism.
I love my father - I think it's so much easier to detach from him and his "isms"... because I don't live with him. But I saw his "dry-drunkeness"... and how miserable he was to be around. I said to my Mom, "Gosh Mom. Is he like this alot?" She said, "All my life. So remember that Shannon. You have only one life to live. Do you really want it to be like mine?" Yikers.
But, she's right. I was staring at my father and realized - I married my father! My AH, when not drinking, is the exact same way. Angry, frustrated and easily set off. I started to think about living with that (on/off with the active drinking, of course!) - for. the. rest. of. my. LIFE. GOOD GOD, no. And that's not to say that my AH couldn't turn out different that my father. He could chose to sober up, and go to AA.... and monkeys could fly out of my butt!
Sorry for my moment of cynicism. I digress...
Anyways, I realized that I need to stay in REALITY. I need to focus on me. Work my program. Get stronger. Healthier. Less codependent. Make (and stick to!) decisions that honor me. Or else....
25 years from now, I will be having the same conversation with my daughter.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Excellent progress, Gettingby. I remember some of your older posts. Huge and I mean huge difference between you then and you now.
Your thread is loaded. I started reading that link skippernlilg posted. It was ACoA stuff and understanding my role versus what it can solve sounds like a good idea and I'm going to use that. Thanks.
Monkey's flying out of your butt.
How about this one?
Life is like Monkey Bars. You have to let go to move forward.
Your thread is loaded. I started reading that link skippernlilg posted. It was ACoA stuff and understanding my role versus what it can solve sounds like a good idea and I'm going to use that. Thanks.
Monkey's flying out of your butt.
How about this one?
Life is like Monkey Bars. You have to let go to move forward.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Hi GB! I too have been thinking about re reading Codependence No More. I read it about 8 months ago and it was a real eye opener, but I am sure if I reread it I could get even more out of it the second time around.
My dad is also an A and I grew up wanting NEVER to have the kind of marriage my parents did. Well I guess my marriage is not exactly like my parents, but way way too much alike. My dad has never tried recovery. His way of dealing with it (the beast as he calls it) is to not drink a few days a week and completely let loose the rest of the time. I detached from his drinking a long time ago, way before I even knew what codependence was! It is a lot easier to do when you don't live with it. The last time I can remember his drinking making me mad was the night of my mom's funeral. They had a big old party in her honor and everyone (okay not everyone) got smashed. I sat in another room with my new born baby mad as hell because I knew my mom would have not wanted what was going on for one second. It was ugly and to this day I still hate how trashed he (and my RAH got that night).
Your recovery is great! I always enjoy and find enlightening what you share here. Thank you!
My dad is also an A and I grew up wanting NEVER to have the kind of marriage my parents did. Well I guess my marriage is not exactly like my parents, but way way too much alike. My dad has never tried recovery. His way of dealing with it (the beast as he calls it) is to not drink a few days a week and completely let loose the rest of the time. I detached from his drinking a long time ago, way before I even knew what codependence was! It is a lot easier to do when you don't live with it. The last time I can remember his drinking making me mad was the night of my mom's funeral. They had a big old party in her honor and everyone (okay not everyone) got smashed. I sat in another room with my new born baby mad as hell because I knew my mom would have not wanted what was going on for one second. It was ugly and to this day I still hate how trashed he (and my RAH got that night).
Your recovery is great! I always enjoy and find enlightening what you share here. Thank you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
No worries on the hi-jack Anvil...
there's so much "stuff" to my parents' marriage. All the secrets, and untold truths - that us kids know, inspite of my mother's desperate need to keep them all in the closet! All that stuff - changed me - and I know there's stuff I do now, as a by product of those learned behaviors. STuff that I haven't dug into yet... I suspect Step 4 this year is gonna loosen up some serious garbage!!
Lexiecat (I think it was her!) posted something the other day about Imago Relationship Theory... I googled it... and OH BOY, did it kick off a $hit storm of FOO examinations on my part. If you haven't read about it, look it up! It talks alot about how we pick relationships based on our early childhood relationships - that may have been damaged, and we need to heal from... so we end up in surrogate relationships as adults to get the healing we need. Interesting stuff.
I think I'm getting addicted to recovery :-)
there's so much "stuff" to my parents' marriage. All the secrets, and untold truths - that us kids know, inspite of my mother's desperate need to keep them all in the closet! All that stuff - changed me - and I know there's stuff I do now, as a by product of those learned behaviors. STuff that I haven't dug into yet... I suspect Step 4 this year is gonna loosen up some serious garbage!!
Lexiecat (I think it was her!) posted something the other day about Imago Relationship Theory... I googled it... and OH BOY, did it kick off a $hit storm of FOO examinations on my part. If you haven't read about it, look it up! It talks alot about how we pick relationships based on our early childhood relationships - that may have been damaged, and we need to heal from... so we end up in surrogate relationships as adults to get the healing we need. Interesting stuff.
I think I'm getting addicted to recovery :-)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
GB, you're doing great!!
Your description of your dad sounds like my AH when he's not drinking. I was talking to my BIL today, just a casual fun conversation. AH comes in and sits down to watch TV.
It occurred to me that other people, almost ALL other people, are pretty easy to talk to when they're sober. OTOH, AH seems to be unavailable a lot. He's in his home office, or he's watching TV with a glazed look on his face, and if I want to talk to him I have to stop him, and he has to mute the TV, and then it's just a short conversation because I've interrupted his TV watching. In this case, I was talking to BIL about what color should I do the floor, and he was giving me his advice, and I felt a little bad because I should be having this discussion with AH, but he would just give a short judgmental answer and move on.
But when he's drinking, he's making the rounds chatting up every person in the bar. I feel bad for him, because I don't understand why he can't just take some of that good vibe (tons of people think he walks on water) and make it REAL.
So, I kind of know what you're saying about your dad and mom.
And I know what you mean about feeling more free on your own. It sounds like you're really doing great on your recovery. Good work and keep it up!
Your description of your dad sounds like my AH when he's not drinking. I was talking to my BIL today, just a casual fun conversation. AH comes in and sits down to watch TV.
It occurred to me that other people, almost ALL other people, are pretty easy to talk to when they're sober. OTOH, AH seems to be unavailable a lot. He's in his home office, or he's watching TV with a glazed look on his face, and if I want to talk to him I have to stop him, and he has to mute the TV, and then it's just a short conversation because I've interrupted his TV watching. In this case, I was talking to BIL about what color should I do the floor, and he was giving me his advice, and I felt a little bad because I should be having this discussion with AH, but he would just give a short judgmental answer and move on.
But when he's drinking, he's making the rounds chatting up every person in the bar. I feel bad for him, because I don't understand why he can't just take some of that good vibe (tons of people think he walks on water) and make it REAL.
So, I kind of know what you're saying about your dad and mom.
And I know what you mean about feeling more free on your own. It sounds like you're really doing great on your recovery. Good work and keep it up!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
