ViciousCycle

I feel I am just a weird kind of drinker. I used to be able to just stay at nights or weekends.....but once something "kicks in" I get in a horrible loop........I start my day off with a cold frosty....I don't hammer them but just stay enough to cut that edge off...........then I slowly become victim to my home.....I wake up in the morning and dread everything.......no withdrawal cause I am really not that bad (you know what I mean).......just a mind F&*(..............

Is or has anyone been like this? It takes an army to get out of the house..............any tips are appreciated. Why do I doubt everything? Once I get out I am fine.....I don't get it.......alcohol creates fear too? Is this all just a mind game........??

I am normally a strong, independent woman..........this is not me.....wtf? Does anyone here relate?


Thanks..........

ViciousCycle

PS...my fear of going out is having a panic attack, ....for anyone who has had one, they are bad..........and I will not add insult to injury by adding drugs to this mix...

suki44883

Are you currently drinking? I thought you were back on the recovery trail. Sorry, I guess I haven't kept up. If you are drinking now, STOP! Find a program that will enhance your desire to remain sober. I'm sure you know alcoholism is progressive and once you put one swallow into your body, it takes over and you are no longer thinking like a sober person, you are thinking like an alcoholic. That's why alcoholics cannot moderate their drinking.

If you aren't currently drinking and just asking about past patterns, then...never mind.

ViciousCycle

yes, current, Suki.

500

I used to be pretty bad with anxiety issues when I was younger.

Eventually something just kind of clicked, after alot of thinking, I basically just stopped giving a **** about what people think of me.

In a good way though.

coffeenut

If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through.

((((VC))))))

Terminally Unique

Well, once upon a time, I was drinking "whenever I wasn't busy," then "every day off work", then "every day after work", then all day every day.

It does tend to suck you in like a hoover.

I recall a post of yours from a while back - you may want to go back and re-read it...

"Dear Alcohol"

ViciousCycle

Love you Coffee....

coffeenut

Right back atcha, VC.

ViciousCycle

AVRT........thanks for the post reminder........I need to find that girl.........

suki44883

Oh. Well, then, do what I said!

Seriously though, I know back when I was drinking, I didn't slam alcohol. I didn't even like getting drunk and didn't get drunk often, I just liked to drink beer. I guess I was weird in that I loved the taste of beer. I always had one in my hand or on the table next to me. I had quite a tolerance built up after several years. Anyway, I hated to have to go anywhere because it cut into my drinking time. I didn't have anxiety though. I agree, it's probably best not to add anxiety meds to your drinking diet. No telling how that would all mix together.

I hope that you will decide that drinking alcohol isn't really all that great anyway. Now that I've been sober for a few years, I wonder what I really saw in it. I can have just as much fun, more actually, without it and I don't have that sluggish feeling in the mornings anymore. You can do it, VC, if you really set your mind to it. You may need help, but there is help out there and of course, we're here 24/7.

Jomey

Hey VC - I used to drink to self-medicate anxiety and panic. I truly know how terrible the panic attacks are. Of all the things I ever tried, stopping drinking was the best thing that ever happened to me in terms of being able to live with the panic. You can do it. It took me years of trying, but I am now 3+ years sober. And this is the closest to peace I have ever come. I hope you can find your way too. Best wishes! Jomey

c49

Treating anxiety with alcohol is the closest thing to a deal with the Devil that I can think of... you will pay more than you think.

Its a bad deal... I lived it too.

least

I drank to medicate anxiety and depression and drinking only made them both worse. Now that I'm sober I don't have such awful anxiety/depression, it's manageable with meds.

FT

I hope my post is not unwelcome, but I was drawn to this thread for some reason.

ViciousCycle: What keeps you coming back here? I was curious while reading this thread that you are still drinking. Out of further curiosity, I went to the first post you ever did on this forum, in January 2009. In it, you said:

"I found this site quite by accident.....I was looking for info on liver damage! I have always been a pretty decent drinker but things picked up drastically when I got cancer, a DUI, lost my job as a result of that, kept drinking, lost the boyfriend, had to sell my dream home due to the job loss...spent the holidays alone....or should I say with bottle of wine. I absolutely HATE my life. Ever night I tell myself tomorrow will be different. Then 11:00 am hits and I am a goner. I have given up even going to parties or social functions as I know I will "over do" it and don't want to risk driving home. I have become anti-social as a result of all this and mentally beat myself up for not being stronger with all this. I am currently in a seasonal layoff whcih does not help. Too much time on my hands. I could just scream. Funny though, it feels good writing this all out. I think alcohol has caused some depression. I cry and become quite emotional very easy.......as a result of that I wake up with swollen eyes.....yo adrian! LOL..........it's so fun to be me, thanks for listening and would love to hear from people who know where I am at. I went from a strong, funny, intelligent & independent woman to a swollen-eyed drunk who stays at home wishing I could get a grip on this."

I didn't go back and read your story from start to finish. I wondered, though, about the evolution of your posts. There must have been some evolution of your posts.

I guess I am drawn to post because you are scaring me, really badly.

I wonder how many times in the past two and a half years that you have felt any freedom from alcoholism. Ever. It makes me sad, and it makes me scared.

I don't know how many recoveries I have left in me. I don't want to be back here in two more years, posting just like you are now.

I've been here long enough already to see people come and go, and a few return. But two and a half years of consistent posting? Wow.

What gives?

I apologize if you find this question an intrusion, but I really want to know.

Zencat

I used to drink at various speeds, from slow and heavy to blastoff and hyper fast. Not good at any rate.

Dump the booze, eat something and go to bed for the night. Then in the morning get a treatment program together (AA, SMART, something healthy) and get back on track with your healing.

Dee74

I became an all day everyday drinker. It was the first thing I did each day and the last.
I never aimed to get drunk, but as the years wore on that's where I usually ended up....

The problem with drinking this way I think is that it becomes 'normal' to do everything with a drink in your hand...it becomes normal to wake up to a beer...it becomes normal to wake up at 2am in your chair with the TV still going...and it becomes normal to then finish the current half empty beer off before you go to bed and wake up to do it all again in 4 or 5 hours time.

Drinking became my accompaniment to everything.

It was very easy for the years to slip past for me. I spent 5 years day in day out this way....a week off here, a week off there, once nearly two months....but my life was on simply on hold, it wasn't really changing.

When your life for about as long as you remember is daily drinking, it looks insurmountable to consider change....it can be terrifying....

But I found it is possible - if I was prepared to take a leap of faith and do something different.

Changing your life is difficult - and that's why we need support and why I always push it - we need to challenge ourselves and break out of the box we've fashioned for ourselves.

You're not alone W

D

EmeraldRose

Absolutely, Dee is right...No one wakes up one morning and says "I think I want to be an alcoholic". The constant waves of the alcoholic sea become a lulling song in our heart. It becomes comfortable and your life sails away with the wind.
Until one day you capsize and realize you're floating without a lifepreserver. So now what? Panic sets in, anxiety...how can I save myself? Reach out. Call for help.
Change the tide and the gusts of the wind to your benefit. Redirect your life.

When I quit I had to reevaluate my life...reinvent my heart, recreate my soul. Everything I do now is different from the way I lived then. Everything. From the time I get up to the way I brush my teeth, to... just everything.
VC, ultimate change is the only way for you to overcome your struggle. You need to work a program...you need to stick with it.
Personally, I think you already know most of the answers to the questions you asked...the anxiety, the fear, the isolation. Drop the booze and I can guarantee that these feelings will subside. They did for me.
Wishing you peace and strength. ((VC))

LaFemme

VC...when I drank I was afraid of everything...getting out of bed I. The morning was a source of anxiety and I tried to maintain a constant buzz.

It was awful.

And I feel terrible that you are in that place right now.

Sending thoughts and prayers your way for healing.

checkmate1

panic attacks.....I hate them, have lived with them all my life. They tend to do the same things everytime, feeling scared, fearful, thinking your going to die, make an idiot out of yourself a vicious cycle. When I quit drinking some 61 days ago I didn't realize that alcohol played a huge part in my anxiety and panic disorder. I'm more relaxed these days and when a full blown panic attack comes on I urge it to take my life now and it never does. With the help of medication and no booze I am slowly winning the life-long war over panic. I'm really over the constant anxiety I was experiencing and I now have the power over it which has saved my life.

Put simply "what if" I have a panic attack? to "so what" if I have a panic attack. Take the power back!