Wife in recovery.... I'm in pain.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
Wife in recovery.... I'm in pain.
Hi everyone..
A year ago I checked my wife into an outpatient clinic for dealing with opiate addiction.
Roughly 4 months ago she relapsed and 3 weeks ago while hesitant we got her checked her into an inpatient rehab. Insurance denied the claim so she was later placed in an outpatient therapy center and this is her third week.
I am doing my best to be supportive as both a husband and father I'm being taxed emotionally. I realize the overall structure of what made this family work must change to help her. I also get that this is not just about "ME" but us....
Where I am struggling is with trust. Yes... This is something that must be earned but here's the deal.
My wife has been texted and is texting to someone in her outpatient program. Just yesterday she received nearly 25 texts. (to be fair some cell phones have limits on your the length of your text and he is going through a rough time with his roommates drinking.)
Do you think it's odd a member of the opposite sex would text with that sort of frequency whilst having 2 sponsors and after having been through at least 8 weeks of treatment?
Knowing about the 90 & 90 and that while you aren't supposed to avoid the opposite sex... That sort of contact to me seems a bit much.
After reading the messages he sent, I got a sense of "predator" intentional or not...
He has said things like "I am not a home-wrecker".
I am not trying to be flirty "sweetheart"
I guess he texted one of his kids about my wife and his daughters response was " lets just hope she isn't a friend with benefits"
It strikes me as really strange/inappropriate he would share the discussion he had with his daughter with my wife.
Why are roughly 1/5 of the texts from him about his character and how he truly isn't looking for sex?
In addition he's called her sweetheart several times along with texting goodnight at the end of the past few evenings (12:30 ish).
Why did she give out her cell number to someone she's only spoken to 3 times. After knowing the types of people that go there? Not saying they are bad... Just they've hit rock bottom in most cases. Did I forget to mention... She gave her number to a guy?
As blatant as these questions may be I am not here to assume the intentions of anyone. These are just questions I have in the back of my mind. To me, it looks really bad and I wanted to hear what your thoughts were on the matter. How you might respond/react.
Like I said I'm not here to lay claim that either of them have bad motives... The trust issues come up and it's eating me alive. I get it... Nothing I can do about it but I also see things as they are... If your kids are your main focus why would you leave when they are here and all your bills are paid for?
I want her in my life with exception.... She has to want it as well.
I think one of the issues we face is the complacency we've developed in our routine. The expectations (I know that's a bad word for some). Have been long forgotten and in some respects I think that may be part of the problem... would love to write more of our discussion tonight but it's a handful if you get through this much. Much love and appreciation for any insight.
All I know is that I'm hurting every step and as much as she say she wants to be here I understand the practical aspects of... If you left you'd be without kids.
A year ago I checked my wife into an outpatient clinic for dealing with opiate addiction.
Roughly 4 months ago she relapsed and 3 weeks ago while hesitant we got her checked her into an inpatient rehab. Insurance denied the claim so she was later placed in an outpatient therapy center and this is her third week.
I am doing my best to be supportive as both a husband and father I'm being taxed emotionally. I realize the overall structure of what made this family work must change to help her. I also get that this is not just about "ME" but us....
Where I am struggling is with trust. Yes... This is something that must be earned but here's the deal.
My wife has been texted and is texting to someone in her outpatient program. Just yesterday she received nearly 25 texts. (to be fair some cell phones have limits on your the length of your text and he is going through a rough time with his roommates drinking.)
Do you think it's odd a member of the opposite sex would text with that sort of frequency whilst having 2 sponsors and after having been through at least 8 weeks of treatment?
Knowing about the 90 & 90 and that while you aren't supposed to avoid the opposite sex... That sort of contact to me seems a bit much.
After reading the messages he sent, I got a sense of "predator" intentional or not...
He has said things like "I am not a home-wrecker".
I am not trying to be flirty "sweetheart"
I guess he texted one of his kids about my wife and his daughters response was " lets just hope she isn't a friend with benefits"
It strikes me as really strange/inappropriate he would share the discussion he had with his daughter with my wife.
Why are roughly 1/5 of the texts from him about his character and how he truly isn't looking for sex?
In addition he's called her sweetheart several times along with texting goodnight at the end of the past few evenings (12:30 ish).
Why did she give out her cell number to someone she's only spoken to 3 times. After knowing the types of people that go there? Not saying they are bad... Just they've hit rock bottom in most cases. Did I forget to mention... She gave her number to a guy?
As blatant as these questions may be I am not here to assume the intentions of anyone. These are just questions I have in the back of my mind. To me, it looks really bad and I wanted to hear what your thoughts were on the matter. How you might respond/react.
Like I said I'm not here to lay claim that either of them have bad motives... The trust issues come up and it's eating me alive. I get it... Nothing I can do about it but I also see things as they are... If your kids are your main focus why would you leave when they are here and all your bills are paid for?
I want her in my life with exception.... She has to want it as well.
I think one of the issues we face is the complacency we've developed in our routine. The expectations (I know that's a bad word for some). Have been long forgotten and in some respects I think that may be part of the problem... would love to write more of our discussion tonight but it's a handful if you get through this much. Much love and appreciation for any insight.
All I know is that I'm hurting every step and as much as she say she wants to be here I understand the practical aspects of... If you left you'd be without kids.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
I don't really know where I'm going with this. All I know is that I hurt. I grieve at the thought of knowing everything we are going through and the 20 years we've spent together is for naught. As much as I love and want her to be in my life I really don't know how much more I can sustain.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Inappropriate relationships and exchanges are predictable to me, given that a lack of or weak boundaries are how most people (both addicts and enablers) end up in this place.
Please learn everything you can about addiction, and also about codependency. If you're not already actively engaged in your own recovery, then please work the recovery program you wish your wife would.
Please learn everything you can about addiction, and also about codependency. If you're not already actively engaged in your own recovery, then please work the recovery program you wish your wife would.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi husband, Welcome to SR!
I can hear the pain and sadness through you words, and I'm sorry for what brings you here. You have found a great place full of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H).
Take the time to read around the other threads, especially the "stickies" at the top of each forum. They contain some really valuable information and shares from other members.
We are glad you are here!
HG
I can hear the pain and sadness through you words, and I'm sorry for what brings you here. You have found a great place full of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H).
Take the time to read around the other threads, especially the "stickies" at the top of each forum. They contain some really valuable information and shares from other members.
We are glad you are here!
HG
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
I feel your pain. Unfortunately addicts are very impulsive and in my experience, even while sober, they are always looking for another excitement level. Drugs alter the pleasure center of their brain, so the simple things in life that make us happy, don't do a thing for them.
I have no clue as to where her conversations with guy will lead. To me, it is not a healthy situation.
Are you going to Alanon? Have you read Codependent No More? If not I would. I would also read the stickeys and others posts. Lots of information about bounderies and why they are so important to have in place, especially when dealing with an addict.
We are here to support you, keep posting.
I feel your pain. Unfortunately addicts are very impulsive and in my experience, even while sober, they are always looking for another excitement level. Drugs alter the pleasure center of their brain, so the simple things in life that make us happy, don't do a thing for them.
I have no clue as to where her conversations with guy will lead. To me, it is not a healthy situation.
Are you going to Alanon? Have you read Codependent No More? If not I would. I would also read the stickeys and others posts. Lots of information about bounderies and why they are so important to have in place, especially when dealing with an addict.
We are here to support you, keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Hi Husband, welcome to SR! Yes, your journey is about the two of you as a couple, but for you right now, maybe you should just focus on YOU. I would definitely look up codependency....Your name is 'husband'. You are more than that! Sorry to hear about the text messaging and whatnot. You have to go with your gut on these things. 
Codependency teaches us to ignore it, even when we already know the truth. Good luck; I hope you make it to Nar-anon, and keep coming back here! We will be here for you regardless of what happens on your journey.
Codependency teaches us to ignore it, even when we already know the truth. Good luck; I hope you make it to Nar-anon, and keep coming back here! We will be here for you regardless of what happens on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
husband
I also want to welcome you to SR.
The pain associated with loving an addict is HUGE. They seem oblivious to the pain they are causing for others. The gut wrenching, obsessive thinking, awful pain and anxiety is exhausting and it becomes our "normal". Every single person in this forum understands exactly the anguish you are experiencing. Some of us are still feeling it, some of us have managed to live through it, and others are able to survive and thrive....whether the addict in their lives is still using or not.
The one thing that I have discovered in life is that when we are trying desparately to control another, the result is often exactly the opposite of what we want to happen. The harder we try to control what the addict does or doesn't do, the more apt they are to do that very thing. I don't know if its the moth to the light bulb type thing or what but they seem to have an uncanny knack for it.
We are very very big on self care around here. We can't control the addict so we begin to embrace controlling what we can--ourselves. This may sound silly to you right now (it did to me) but do something nice for yourself. What do you enjoy? What brings happiness to you that does not involve anyone else? If you don't know the answer to that question (I didn't), now is a good time to explore something. Is there anything that you've always wanted to do? A class that you've wanted to take? A hobby that you've thought about but never done?
When we take the focus off of the addict and begin to focus on ourselves, things get better for us. Does it make everything perfect? No. Will it make your wife stop texting this guy? Maybe....maybe not. Will you be able to find some stretches of relief from the pain? Maybe not at first but you will. When is the last time you had a great from-the-depths-of-your-belly laugh? It is possible.
There are so many good books about codependency and addiction. The more we know, the better equipped we are to deal with it. I also find relief in Alanon and Naranon. I go to two meetings per week to work on me and that helps me take the focus off of the addict in my life and put the focus where it should be. When we really start working on ourselves and explore the how's and why's we do what we do or think, we don't have time to obsess about the addict or try to control them. We find relief from the pain.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
I also want to welcome you to SR.
The pain associated with loving an addict is HUGE. They seem oblivious to the pain they are causing for others. The gut wrenching, obsessive thinking, awful pain and anxiety is exhausting and it becomes our "normal". Every single person in this forum understands exactly the anguish you are experiencing. Some of us are still feeling it, some of us have managed to live through it, and others are able to survive and thrive....whether the addict in their lives is still using or not.
The one thing that I have discovered in life is that when we are trying desparately to control another, the result is often exactly the opposite of what we want to happen. The harder we try to control what the addict does or doesn't do, the more apt they are to do that very thing. I don't know if its the moth to the light bulb type thing or what but they seem to have an uncanny knack for it.
We are very very big on self care around here. We can't control the addict so we begin to embrace controlling what we can--ourselves. This may sound silly to you right now (it did to me) but do something nice for yourself. What do you enjoy? What brings happiness to you that does not involve anyone else? If you don't know the answer to that question (I didn't), now is a good time to explore something. Is there anything that you've always wanted to do? A class that you've wanted to take? A hobby that you've thought about but never done?
When we take the focus off of the addict and begin to focus on ourselves, things get better for us. Does it make everything perfect? No. Will it make your wife stop texting this guy? Maybe....maybe not. Will you be able to find some stretches of relief from the pain? Maybe not at first but you will. When is the last time you had a great from-the-depths-of-your-belly laugh? It is possible.
There are so many good books about codependency and addiction. The more we know, the better equipped we are to deal with it. I also find relief in Alanon and Naranon. I go to two meetings per week to work on me and that helps me take the focus off of the addict in my life and put the focus where it should be. When we really start working on ourselves and explore the how's and why's we do what we do or think, we don't have time to obsess about the addict or try to control them. We find relief from the pain.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I understand your pain, epecially when trust is broken. My EXAH never did find recovery.
As a long-term recovering addict/alkie myself, I feel the exchange between the two is inappropriate. As long as they are focusing on his "troubles," recovery is detracted from. I used to be a master of deflection early in my recovery, which eventually cost me with a 2-month relapse after 4 years clean/sober.
That being said, are you seeking any help for yourself to heal from the effects of her addiction? Alanon is a wonderful face-to-face resource to find support among other loved ones. It has saved my bacon more than once. I also have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction that I have detached from.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent read, and one that I recommend.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends, okay?
As a long-term recovering addict/alkie myself, I feel the exchange between the two is inappropriate. As long as they are focusing on his "troubles," recovery is detracted from. I used to be a master of deflection early in my recovery, which eventually cost me with a 2-month relapse after 4 years clean/sober.
That being said, are you seeking any help for yourself to heal from the effects of her addiction? Alanon is a wonderful face-to-face resource to find support among other loved ones. It has saved my bacon more than once. I also have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction that I have detached from.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent read, and one that I recommend.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends, okay?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
hey-
sorry you have to be here, but you found a place filled with support and good people who have walked in your shoes. and after reading your post, it looks like we have the same shoes. trust is sooooo hard, and once that is broken, i don't know if doubt ever goes away. without knowing either you or your wife's past, it is hard for me to say much concerning what is going on, but i can without a doubt say that it seems inappropriate, especially during this time. as others have said, addicts are impulsive and look for a 'high' in many places. it could be completely innocent on both sides. i am a trust worthy guy and have never cheated on a girlfriend, ever. but, i don't trust other guys, especially ones i do not know, for a minute.
you mentioned this guy is going through a rough time with his friend's drinking, but i am not understanding why he is in the program. either way, she is not the person for him to be talking to about this stuff, especially when she is there for her own recovery. how can she help someone else with this kind of problem when she still needs help herself.
so to be blunt, yes, i find that a high number of texts. i am always hesitant to trust a stranger that instantly attaches to someone.
what have her replies been like?
does she seem to be embracing recovery otherwise?
sorry you have to be here, but you found a place filled with support and good people who have walked in your shoes. and after reading your post, it looks like we have the same shoes. trust is sooooo hard, and once that is broken, i don't know if doubt ever goes away. without knowing either you or your wife's past, it is hard for me to say much concerning what is going on, but i can without a doubt say that it seems inappropriate, especially during this time. as others have said, addicts are impulsive and look for a 'high' in many places. it could be completely innocent on both sides. i am a trust worthy guy and have never cheated on a girlfriend, ever. but, i don't trust other guys, especially ones i do not know, for a minute.
you mentioned this guy is going through a rough time with his friend's drinking, but i am not understanding why he is in the program. either way, she is not the person for him to be talking to about this stuff, especially when she is there for her own recovery. how can she help someone else with this kind of problem when she still needs help herself.
so to be blunt, yes, i find that a high number of texts. i am always hesitant to trust a stranger that instantly attaches to someone.
what have her replies been like?
does she seem to be embracing recovery otherwise?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: London area
Posts: 98
I am the adict in my relationship and I too would share your worries. You are not over reacting - the exchange, in my view, is not appropriate. In the midst of recovery we adicts will use anything to distract ourselves from what we should be concentrating - I would not be happy if I found such texts on my husband's phone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
Thank you everyone for Your words of support and advice.
On the texting... She said she spoke with him yesterday and explained that (she and I) were already dealing with trust issues. The correspondence must end because it made me uncomfortable.
These are honest statements but shouldn't be the basis of reasoning from her to him.
I wasn't there...
I would have liked something more direct approach like...
Fact of the matter is, I have nothing to offer that you can't get from someone with sobriety time of equal or greater value. (or something to that effect).
Regarding her messages to him?
None of the texts I read were inappropriate. Some earlier ones were deleted. (due to a full sim card). I do think her intentions were legit... I may never know the truth behind it and maybe she's already given it to me. I think the best thing to do is accept and move on.
The main thing it stirred up afterwards was the uncertainty of what she wants. In a similar fashion I'll never know. Hopefully the actions and behavior will reveal the truth.
I can let the uncertainty control me, or accept what she's saying is true. Don't get me wrong I'm not a pushover. I just understand the damage I could do to her and me by continuing to struggle with this. I'm here to support as her and also to work on myself.
As for working on myself? Outside of this post and chatting here last night I'm seeing a therapist and with sharing with friends who are active in recovery. I will also be picking up a coda book.
I realize that we have a lot of work to do and it's going to take a long time. The immediacy of how all of this has come into light has been a bit overwhelming to say the least.
As I stated we have 3 young children and I work 11 hours a day... With most of our family "disowning" us we don't have the luxury of time... I haven't attended a coda but I wouldn't mind going.
I'll write more (at work now) but I really appreciate you all for reading through this and commenting.
-h
On the texting... She said she spoke with him yesterday and explained that (she and I) were already dealing with trust issues. The correspondence must end because it made me uncomfortable.
These are honest statements but shouldn't be the basis of reasoning from her to him.
I wasn't there...
I would have liked something more direct approach like...
Fact of the matter is, I have nothing to offer that you can't get from someone with sobriety time of equal or greater value. (or something to that effect).
Regarding her messages to him?
None of the texts I read were inappropriate. Some earlier ones were deleted. (due to a full sim card). I do think her intentions were legit... I may never know the truth behind it and maybe she's already given it to me. I think the best thing to do is accept and move on.
The main thing it stirred up afterwards was the uncertainty of what she wants. In a similar fashion I'll never know. Hopefully the actions and behavior will reveal the truth.
I can let the uncertainty control me, or accept what she's saying is true. Don't get me wrong I'm not a pushover. I just understand the damage I could do to her and me by continuing to struggle with this. I'm here to support as her and also to work on myself.
As for working on myself? Outside of this post and chatting here last night I'm seeing a therapist and with sharing with friends who are active in recovery. I will also be picking up a coda book.
I realize that we have a lot of work to do and it's going to take a long time. The immediacy of how all of this has come into light has been a bit overwhelming to say the least.
As I stated we have 3 young children and I work 11 hours a day... With most of our family "disowning" us we don't have the luxury of time... I haven't attended a coda but I wouldn't mind going.
I'll write more (at work now) but I really appreciate you all for reading through this and commenting.
-h
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Definitely Ringing Bells here. More than 25 texts, "sweetheart" "Im not talking about sex".
It seems to me this guy sees a vulnerable woman he can prey on and if shes texting him back, it will fuel his intentions.
Every time, yes, everytime my sister went into a program or rehab, she was preyed on, and she got hurt big time in the end. It seems the easiest place for some men to pick someone up. Tell them what they want to hear, someone who will 'understand' them, used as manipulation for what they really want.
Im just reading between the lines, just my opinion, and Im truelly sorry for you. Maybe your wife needs to know 'your' boundaries quite clearly when it comes to giving out her number to other men.
Look after yourself ok, JJ
It seems to me this guy sees a vulnerable woman he can prey on and if shes texting him back, it will fuel his intentions.
Every time, yes, everytime my sister went into a program or rehab, she was preyed on, and she got hurt big time in the end. It seems the easiest place for some men to pick someone up. Tell them what they want to hear, someone who will 'understand' them, used as manipulation for what they really want.
Im just reading between the lines, just my opinion, and Im truelly sorry for you. Maybe your wife needs to know 'your' boundaries quite clearly when it comes to giving out her number to other men.
Look after yourself ok, JJ
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Maybe she is put in a position of being accosted by this guy. Sounds like it from what you shared with us. Being fresh out of rehab perhaps makes her more vulnerable for attention seeking, even if it may not be from a healthy source.
This could have been a platonic friend who got the wrong message but to me she did a good job of handling it. She probably had no idea the guy was a freak or stalkerish.
Not sure of your history but all you can do is give her the benefit of the doubt, particularly at this time early in her recovery when her choice making ability may not be the greatest right now. That doesn't necessarily mean she is cheating though.
This could have been a platonic friend who got the wrong message but to me she did a good job of handling it. She probably had no idea the guy was a freak or stalkerish.
Not sure of your history but all you can do is give her the benefit of the doubt, particularly at this time early in her recovery when her choice making ability may not be the greatest right now. That doesn't necessarily mean she is cheating though.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
Justjo and Baby blue... Thank you.
To be clear I don't mind who she gets support from be it a man or a woman.
Sure I can be a jealous man... But I'm pretty laid back and open to things. Which isn't always a good thing.
She's in treatment I've visited the place and I get it... She can't relate or even speak to most of the people there on the basis of how far they've gone.
I don't know how far she's gone and I'm not sure I want to know. I've been there to speak with a nurse so have a small grasp on what she's talking about.
She re-explained what she said to him today. Is she addict? Yes. Can I trust everything she says? No. But I believe her recollection is consistent with the truth. It was much more deliberate and she voiced crux of the problem. I have no idea if she really said it but at this point I have to trust or drive myself crazy.
WE are both messed up ... The good news is when this became an issue I brought it up and she put an end to it.
This guy was going somewhere and we both put a stop to it.
I can doubt to my hearts content but should I do so... I'll put an end to one of the things I hold most dear. My aim is to support without chastising but being responsible enough to make sure the family isn't being taken advantage of. Should I choose to make her prove everything she says... I believe it would do nothing but undermine her recovery and her ideas on what my support for it really mean.
Doing so would likely result in an untimely demise. (stress, heart attack etc. ) I welcome her recovery and also tired of being a detective. I'd prefer to live, resolve these issues and if she decides she wants to go? Go. It will hurt but I'll be okay. Through these months there's a song which usually leads me to tears but it speaks to me. Thom Yorke's Atoms for peace.... You'll have to look up the song but if you do listen to it. Be in a safe place when you do so. One of the most profound pieces on addiction I've heard.
To be clear I don't mind who she gets support from be it a man or a woman.
Sure I can be a jealous man... But I'm pretty laid back and open to things. Which isn't always a good thing.
She's in treatment I've visited the place and I get it... She can't relate or even speak to most of the people there on the basis of how far they've gone.
I don't know how far she's gone and I'm not sure I want to know. I've been there to speak with a nurse so have a small grasp on what she's talking about.
She re-explained what she said to him today. Is she addict? Yes. Can I trust everything she says? No. But I believe her recollection is consistent with the truth. It was much more deliberate and she voiced crux of the problem. I have no idea if she really said it but at this point I have to trust or drive myself crazy.
WE are both messed up ... The good news is when this became an issue I brought it up and she put an end to it.
This guy was going somewhere and we both put a stop to it.
I can doubt to my hearts content but should I do so... I'll put an end to one of the things I hold most dear. My aim is to support without chastising but being responsible enough to make sure the family isn't being taken advantage of. Should I choose to make her prove everything she says... I believe it would do nothing but undermine her recovery and her ideas on what my support for it really mean.
Doing so would likely result in an untimely demise. (stress, heart attack etc. ) I welcome her recovery and also tired of being a detective. I'd prefer to live, resolve these issues and if she decides she wants to go? Go. It will hurt but I'll be okay. Through these months there's a song which usually leads me to tears but it speaks to me. Thom Yorke's Atoms for peace.... You'll have to look up the song but if you do listen to it. Be in a safe place when you do so. One of the most profound pieces on addiction I've heard.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: florida
Posts: 41
Hi Justjo,
Thanks for checking in. I've seen better days.
For starters in an effort to bring full disclosure to this relationship I showed her my post. In hindsight that wasn't a good idea.
Two days ago she mentioned she had treatment in the morning (where usually Thursdays she doesn't go).
I was taking my son to my moms so she could watch her and on my way out of a parking lot (after getting breakfast) I saw my wife drive right past me which was waaay past the treatment center. You can imagine my nerves at that point.
I followed her to an uncertain location for 12 miles until she finally arrived to the local courthouse. Disappointed as I was and am it was somewhat a relief as well. Turns out she had 2 counts of theft. Her claims when I discovered all of this were "I was going to tell you after it was over with today". My response? "Easy to say now but we'll never know now what you would have done". So the shattered glass of a relationship we had has just been broken up a bit more.
learned a lot about myself in therapy the other day which is good but overall I can't seem to rid myself of this feeling of anxiety at the pit of my stomach.
It's like a constant state of anger. Be it the situation we are in or deflecting to the in-laws and their decisions. The only thing I can do I guess is try to let go and keep working on myself. And set expectations for my wife so she is fully aware of the consequences of holding things back.
It's my daughters birthday tomorrow so I'm going to try and relax and make sure she has a good time.
Thank you everyone.
Thanks for checking in. I've seen better days.
For starters in an effort to bring full disclosure to this relationship I showed her my post. In hindsight that wasn't a good idea.
Two days ago she mentioned she had treatment in the morning (where usually Thursdays she doesn't go).
I was taking my son to my moms so she could watch her and on my way out of a parking lot (after getting breakfast) I saw my wife drive right past me which was waaay past the treatment center. You can imagine my nerves at that point.
I followed her to an uncertain location for 12 miles until she finally arrived to the local courthouse. Disappointed as I was and am it was somewhat a relief as well. Turns out she had 2 counts of theft. Her claims when I discovered all of this were "I was going to tell you after it was over with today". My response? "Easy to say now but we'll never know now what you would have done". So the shattered glass of a relationship we had has just been broken up a bit more.
learned a lot about myself in therapy the other day which is good but overall I can't seem to rid myself of this feeling of anxiety at the pit of my stomach.
It's like a constant state of anger. Be it the situation we are in or deflecting to the in-laws and their decisions. The only thing I can do I guess is try to let go and keep working on myself. And set expectations for my wife so she is fully aware of the consequences of holding things back.
It's my daughters birthday tomorrow so I'm going to try and relax and make sure she has a good time.
Thank you everyone.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
At best she will tell you half truths, that's what they do.
Some of this process just requires a strong dose of acceptance.
I am glad that you are seeking help.
Yes, enjoy your daughters birthday, make it a special day for her!
Some of this process just requires a strong dose of acceptance.
I am glad that you are seeking help.
Yes, enjoy your daughters birthday, make it a special day for her!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by husband 
I can't seem to rid myself of this feeling of anxiety at the pit of my stomach.
It's like a constant state of anger. . . .The only thing I can do I guess is try to let go and keep working on myself.
It's like a constant state of anger. . . .The only thing I can do I guess is try to let go and keep working on myself.
You are doing amazingly well, IMO.
I do want to suggest one other approach besides "try and let go" of the anxious and angry feeling. In my experience, trying to let go can add another layer of upset ("Why can't I let go this angry feeling?? I should be able to achieve serenity here!!")
You can simply notice and accept the fact that right now, you are experiencing an unpleasant emotion. It's only an emotion, and like all emotions--heck, like everything having to do with being human--it is not permanent.
The mental picture I heard and liked on a recovery podcast (for recovering As, but I think applies to all) is that if you are riding a bus and at the next stop, Anger gets on and selects the seat beside you, you don't get off the bus. You continue to your destination notwithstanding that Anger has decided to come along for the ride.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Husband)))))
I do understand your pain having been on both sides of the street.
I have to say though that some of what you are sharing, is making my sober side is feeling very creepy.
You are not your wife's warden; Setting 'expectations' for her will only cause you RESENTMENT when she does not meet them to your satisfaction.
I understand your worries, your fears, and most of what is going on from your end having been married to two Alcoholics.
However, I also understand where your wife is at, since I have over 30 years of continuous living sober and clean. She is in early recovery, her mind is still MUSH, she is communicating the best she can with you, and with those she is in OP with. If I had had someone questioning me, following me, putting expectations on me the way you are doing to her I would have done 1 of two things, 1) gone back to drinking and using figuring what's the point, or 2) run screaming, away from you, as far as I could get.
Instead of focusing on 'her', how about focusing on YOU? You cannot get well when you are still focusing most of your time on her, and she cannot get well, feeling like she is having to report to her warden, jailor, whatever.
I know this is hard. I had just turned 3 years sober, married to my 2nd husband, a 'sober' alcoholic, who had changed addictions to gambling, when my AA sponsor on my 3rd birthday told me in no uncertain terms that it was time for me to attend Alanon and get an Alanon sponsor if I wanted to keep from going stark raving mad. I listened, I went to Alanon, got an Alanon sponsor that was also AA, a 'double winner' so to speak, and started working those steps all over again from the Alanon perspective.
Was the BEST THING I ever did for myself. Taught me very quickly that:
I didn't CAUSE it.
I can't CONTROL it.
I can't CURE it.
IT being his becoming addicted to gambling.
Also learned how to set my 'personal' boundaries for me, not for him.
ie
I will not live nor be around a person who is gambling and exhibiting addictive behaviors.
I will not live or be around a person who does not contribute to the household.
I will not lend money.
and on and on and on, "I" boundaries, not "you must" boundaries.
I understand how hard this is, and I am glad that you are seeing a therapist. Hopefully the two of you can work out a schedule whereby on nights there is an Alanon meeting she watches the kids, and then other nights when she wants to attend a meeting, you watch the kids.
You both have a LONG ROAD ahead of you, with lots of bumps, potholes, and curves in it. I found for me, that when I was focusing on Kenn, I was not working on me, and I just got sicker. However, with the help of Alanon and my Sponsors, as I learned to keep my eyes on me, and clean up my side of the street, it became easier to live with Kenn and accept that 'his problem was his, not mine.' How I reacted to his problem was mine.
When I change how I act and react to others, their actions and reactions to me change. I am the only one I can change. I could not change or 'fix' Kenn, just as you cannot change or 'fix' your wife.
I know the confusion, the fear, the 'huh?' that goes on and it is devastating to both parties. Your wife is also having fear, is confused, and having a lot of 'huh?' moments. And I don't know why, but it sure helped me tremendously, when I was in early recovery from addiction, and even now sometimes, to be able to talk to someone else who had been or was where I was with that type of recovery. Then when I started attending Alanon, it sure helped again, to be able to talk to someone face to face that had or was going through what I was going through with a family member.
When I got sober there were no cell phones or text messaging, rofl but there were telephones and when I wasn't in a meeting I spent lots of time on the phone with lots of people, both female and male, in recovery. Then I got my sponsor and I spent even more time on the phone with her and/or her hubby (he also was a sober member of AA). If someone had been questioning me about who I was talking with and listening to my conversations, I probably would have 'gone off' on them.
All I am say through this long post, is please allow your wife her recovery and you work on your recovery. In the long run it will make for a better relationship and a lot less resentments.
Expectations = Resentments
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care and we do understand all those 'emotions' and 'fears' that you are dealing with.
Love and hugs,
I do understand your pain having been on both sides of the street.
I have to say though that some of what you are sharing, is making my sober side is feeling very creepy.
You are not your wife's warden; Setting 'expectations' for her will only cause you RESENTMENT when she does not meet them to your satisfaction.
I understand your worries, your fears, and most of what is going on from your end having been married to two Alcoholics.
However, I also understand where your wife is at, since I have over 30 years of continuous living sober and clean. She is in early recovery, her mind is still MUSH, she is communicating the best she can with you, and with those she is in OP with. If I had had someone questioning me, following me, putting expectations on me the way you are doing to her I would have done 1 of two things, 1) gone back to drinking and using figuring what's the point, or 2) run screaming, away from you, as far as I could get.
Instead of focusing on 'her', how about focusing on YOU? You cannot get well when you are still focusing most of your time on her, and she cannot get well, feeling like she is having to report to her warden, jailor, whatever.
I know this is hard. I had just turned 3 years sober, married to my 2nd husband, a 'sober' alcoholic, who had changed addictions to gambling, when my AA sponsor on my 3rd birthday told me in no uncertain terms that it was time for me to attend Alanon and get an Alanon sponsor if I wanted to keep from going stark raving mad. I listened, I went to Alanon, got an Alanon sponsor that was also AA, a 'double winner' so to speak, and started working those steps all over again from the Alanon perspective.
Was the BEST THING I ever did for myself. Taught me very quickly that:
I didn't CAUSE it.
I can't CONTROL it.
I can't CURE it.
IT being his becoming addicted to gambling.
Also learned how to set my 'personal' boundaries for me, not for him.
ie
I will not live nor be around a person who is gambling and exhibiting addictive behaviors.
I will not live or be around a person who does not contribute to the household.
I will not lend money.
and on and on and on, "I" boundaries, not "you must" boundaries.
I understand how hard this is, and I am glad that you are seeing a therapist. Hopefully the two of you can work out a schedule whereby on nights there is an Alanon meeting she watches the kids, and then other nights when she wants to attend a meeting, you watch the kids.
You both have a LONG ROAD ahead of you, with lots of bumps, potholes, and curves in it. I found for me, that when I was focusing on Kenn, I was not working on me, and I just got sicker. However, with the help of Alanon and my Sponsors, as I learned to keep my eyes on me, and clean up my side of the street, it became easier to live with Kenn and accept that 'his problem was his, not mine.' How I reacted to his problem was mine.
When I change how I act and react to others, their actions and reactions to me change. I am the only one I can change. I could not change or 'fix' Kenn, just as you cannot change or 'fix' your wife.
I know the confusion, the fear, the 'huh?' that goes on and it is devastating to both parties. Your wife is also having fear, is confused, and having a lot of 'huh?' moments. And I don't know why, but it sure helped me tremendously, when I was in early recovery from addiction, and even now sometimes, to be able to talk to someone else who had been or was where I was with that type of recovery. Then when I started attending Alanon, it sure helped again, to be able to talk to someone face to face that had or was going through what I was going through with a family member.
When I got sober there were no cell phones or text messaging, rofl but there were telephones and when I wasn't in a meeting I spent lots of time on the phone with lots of people, both female and male, in recovery. Then I got my sponsor and I spent even more time on the phone with her and/or her hubby (he also was a sober member of AA). If someone had been questioning me about who I was talking with and listening to my conversations, I probably would have 'gone off' on them.
All I am say through this long post, is please allow your wife her recovery and you work on your recovery. In the long run it will make for a better relationship and a lot less resentments.
Expectations = Resentments
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care and we do understand all those 'emotions' and 'fears' that you are dealing with.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: London area
Posts: 98
Husband
I still think that the texts on your wife's phone are not appropriate and I so understand the need to know everything about your wife's behaviour. I am sure I would be the same in your place. But I am so glad that my other half was not the same. My husband is a psychiatrist so in some ways i have been lucky (in others v unlucky - he has on occasion spoken to me as I suspect he would have a patient - not a good move on his part). I always knew he was/is there for me, he may not have always believed my "stories" but he was wise enough to know that he could do nothing about that. The fact that I always knew that I had his unconditional support was so incredibly valuable to me. Don't get me wrong - he set boundaries and I KNEW that there was no breaking them if I wanted to stay with him. He waited for me to tell him what I wanted to, he never pushed me to explain myself, he was always quietly there for me when I needed him. He was/is no pushover and now that I am just six months without drinking, I can start to rebuilt the trust he once had in me. It will, I am certain, be a long road.
What I am saying is that you cannot know everything about your wife (even in relationships without adiction we can never know everything - and to be honest why should we). Have your boundaries and stick to them - but the more you push the more you will drive her further away. As a few have said already - put your energy into your children and yourself. Support your wife please but don't try and control her and don't try to second guess her - you will drive her bonkers and you will do yourself no good. You feel powerless, I get that, but then so does she. From what you have said about her she is not a bad person, she is just in a bad place. Many of us have been there - and the light at the end of my tunnel was a quietly supportive husband and for that I will always be thankful.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
I still think that the texts on your wife's phone are not appropriate and I so understand the need to know everything about your wife's behaviour. I am sure I would be the same in your place. But I am so glad that my other half was not the same. My husband is a psychiatrist so in some ways i have been lucky (in others v unlucky - he has on occasion spoken to me as I suspect he would have a patient - not a good move on his part). I always knew he was/is there for me, he may not have always believed my "stories" but he was wise enough to know that he could do nothing about that. The fact that I always knew that I had his unconditional support was so incredibly valuable to me. Don't get me wrong - he set boundaries and I KNEW that there was no breaking them if I wanted to stay with him. He waited for me to tell him what I wanted to, he never pushed me to explain myself, he was always quietly there for me when I needed him. He was/is no pushover and now that I am just six months without drinking, I can start to rebuilt the trust he once had in me. It will, I am certain, be a long road.
What I am saying is that you cannot know everything about your wife (even in relationships without adiction we can never know everything - and to be honest why should we). Have your boundaries and stick to them - but the more you push the more you will drive her further away. As a few have said already - put your energy into your children and yourself. Support your wife please but don't try and control her and don't try to second guess her - you will drive her bonkers and you will do yourself no good. You feel powerless, I get that, but then so does she. From what you have said about her she is not a bad person, she is just in a bad place. Many of us have been there - and the light at the end of my tunnel was a quietly supportive husband and for that I will always be thankful.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
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