AlleyKatt22

Hey everyone. I haven't posted in a while but I have been reading. Last time I posted my husband went to detox and got clean. I was 8 months pregnant at the time. He came home and stayed clean for all of about a week and a half. Since then I have had our baby (our 4th) and had to go back to work early to support our family. He leaves everyday and has since the day I came home from the hospital. Sometimes for an hour, sometimes for hours and hours on end.

I've tried so hard not to let his addiction affect me. Bother me. Control me. I can't pretend that its not there anymore but I can't find the strength to do what I know needs to be done. I know he needs to hit rock bottom and in order to do that I need to throw him out. Take him away from his children. I can't find the strength inside me to hurt him like this even though he has hurt me beyond words.

All of the hurt and lying and stealing and manipulating he has done to me and our family is embedded in my mind. I can't let it go. I have nightmares about his using. That I will come home and find him dead. Or that he will leave and that will be the last time I see him alive. He doesn't think it can happen to him. That he is always careful and nothing bad is going to happen.

His moods are all over the place. He gets so angry so easy. I always feel like I am walking on eggshells. I hate what my life has become. I know that as long he is using I can't trust him, rely on him, that he doesn't really give a crap about us even though he pretends to.

How do I do what I know needs to be done? One of the things that hinders me is that I am the only one working. We have 4 children ages 12, 3, 1 and 6 weeks. I can't afford daycare and there are no daycares that provide care the hours that I need. I work 2 day shifts from 6:36am to 6:36pm and then I am off for 2 days and then I work 2 night shifts from 6:36pm to 6:36am. I don't have family that can handle 4 kids with 3 of them that little.

I'm tired of his issue controlling my life.

Ann

Have you tried any live meetings? Nar-anon, Al-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us regain our balance.

Would day care cost more than his using costs now?

With 4 children, I can see why you feel a need for a better environment. My thoughts are that it may be more possible than you think...if this is what you want.

We can't save them. They use or don't use, they live or die, regardless of anything we do or don't do. Believe me, I say that with love in my heart because I know what it feels like to fear for them. But all the fear in the world, all the love in the world will not change them, if it would not one of us would be here. Only they can change and some never do, Can you live waiting?

Big hugs to you because your life must be very hard. Keeping you and your kids in my prayers.

Hugs

Chino

That may not be his rock bottom. The more we focus on what they need, we lose sight of what we need. In your case, what four precious children need and yourself.

There's every possibility someone in the rooms of Alanon or Naranon might be able to help you. But you have to go first, and you have to ask.

We share something very distinct with addicts: the reluctance to ask for help and often times the reluctance to accept it

laurie6781

Instead of worrying about 'hurting him' better take a look at how his actions, his mood swings, the chaos he brings into the home is affecting your children. Yes, even the young ones can feel the 'tension.'

Maybe do some reading on the Adult Children of forum to see how badly this can affect them.

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Just remember whatever boundary you set is for you and the children, not to get him to reach his bottom as that may be a ways in the future.

Also just because you ask and he does leave the home, that does not mean it has to be forever. Should he find recovery and somewhere down the way his actions agree with his words, there is no 'rule' that you two cannot reunite.

No one is saying the D word ie 'divorce'. How about a separation?

I also have to agree with Ann, how about trying Alanon or Naranon for some face to face support. We usually add Alanon because many times there are way more Alanon meetings in an area than Naranon meetings.

Also, keep posting here, asking questions, reading around the forums, letting us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Kindeyes

Addicts are suffering. And we suffer with them.....for them. And on it goes until someone decides that they are tired of suffering.

You'll do whatever you need to do when the pain gets so bad that you can't take it anymore. The same thing goes for the addict. Unfortunately, we (as codependents) can't stand to see someone else suffer so we cushion that suffering or even take it on ourselves so that they don't have to suffer as much. When will an addict stop using? When the pain gets bad enough that they want the pain to stop. Living with a codependent who is taking on their pain for them will never allow them to get to that point so they will continue to use.

I know how hard of a pill that is to swallow. My addicted son is homeless......living on the streets.....he calls me occasionally to tell me how miserable he is.......I have a nice house and an extra bedroom. It would be so easy for me to stop his suffering. But unfortunately.....I've been there and done that and it didn't work. So I am trusting my HP on this one. And I'm praying that my beautiful son has had enough experience in rehabs (2 in patient 2 out patient) that he has enough tools to make his life better when his suffering has reached a point that he wants it to stop more than anything. It is very hard.

You, your children and your husband will be in my prayers today.

gentle hugs
ke

NoGround

KE,

When your AS first began experiencing consequences and asking for your help, did you develop a "script" of what you would say in response?

My AS is in another city (as of two days ago) and life is going his way right now. I anticipate that it won't always be going his way and that he will call me when his poor decisions catch up with him.

The book Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children says to develop a plan, including a list of "what happens if . . ." scripts--samples of what you want to say and how you want to say it.

I could use some examples of such scripts--preferably, just one sentence--to express empathy FIRST, before getting to the fact that I will not give him money.

Thanks for any ideas from others, too. I hope that someday I will have something of value to contribute here on SR.

dollydo

No Ground,

Welcome, it probably would be better if you started your own thread, you will get more responses.

Lots of parents here struggling with the same issues as you, I am sure they will have some tips for you.

In the meantime, I am putting on thinking cap.

NoGround

dollydo,

Thank you, and great idea about starting a separate thread. I will cut and paste to do just that.

peanut21

Reading your post is like reading my own story in so many ways. I am still here trying to find a way out. I am ready and have lived with it for years. You will know when you are ready. I don't know about FL but I do know in some places the Social Service agencies help with things like daycare, and other things you would have to check. I pray for you and your family I know it is hard to live this day in and day out. I am new to this sight but have gotten a lot of great advice and information from the people here. Keep posting and reading it does help.