Told Him To Leave
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: MA
Posts: 6
Told Him To Leave
I'm not sure if I did the right thing. My 19 yo son got out of rehab two weeks ago. He's been home and doing well. He is gung ho on getting healthy and doing 90 in 90 days, etc. When I picked him up, I told him that if he was looking for an enabler, then he needed to find a place to live because I was not going to be put through any more garbage. He said that he didn't want an enabler. I told him to hand over his cell. He did.
I had to give him back his cell in order to pick him up from meetings. He refused to remove his using buddies from his phone book. (p.s. his best bud is a relative who drinks and uses drugs- a situation I don't know how to address). I told him that was unacceptable, but let it go on.
This week he started seeing a girl from the meetings. I told him that he should NOT be dating anyone while in early recovery. He blew me off and they went out for a bite to eat after the meeting last night. We were supposed to bring some furniture to his sister's new apt., but yesterday was messed up due to him being unwilling to go due to plans with this girl. He come home at a reasonable hour and I said nothing.
Today he said that he and the girl made plans to go to a meeting together in a different part of town than where they met. I got upset and told him that I was concerned that he was making decisions that he was told would sabotage his sobriety (friends and dating). I told him that I was not going to be taken down that road and the fact that he didn't give it a second thought about screwing me and his sister over the day before spoke volumes. I told him that I hoped he liked everything he had at that moment, because that's ALL he had, that he was OUT.
P.S. His girlfriend of over a year broke up with him last week (she's still in rehab) - they both went to rehab together. Now he seems to be on the prowl.
Although he hasn't used anything, I feel the choices he's making (with the same friends and seeking a girlfriend) make a relapse more likely . I am not the type to sit back and say nothing and that's when the arguments start. I can't help but sit here and hope that he'll call and say that he'll live by the rules.
I had to give him back his cell in order to pick him up from meetings. He refused to remove his using buddies from his phone book. (p.s. his best bud is a relative who drinks and uses drugs- a situation I don't know how to address). I told him that was unacceptable, but let it go on.
This week he started seeing a girl from the meetings. I told him that he should NOT be dating anyone while in early recovery. He blew me off and they went out for a bite to eat after the meeting last night. We were supposed to bring some furniture to his sister's new apt., but yesterday was messed up due to him being unwilling to go due to plans with this girl. He come home at a reasonable hour and I said nothing.
Today he said that he and the girl made plans to go to a meeting together in a different part of town than where they met. I got upset and told him that I was concerned that he was making decisions that he was told would sabotage his sobriety (friends and dating). I told him that I was not going to be taken down that road and the fact that he didn't give it a second thought about screwing me and his sister over the day before spoke volumes. I told him that I hoped he liked everything he had at that moment, because that's ALL he had, that he was OUT.
P.S. His girlfriend of over a year broke up with him last week (she's still in rehab) - they both went to rehab together. Now he seems to be on the prowl.
Although he hasn't used anything, I feel the choices he's making (with the same friends and seeking a girlfriend) make a relapse more likely . I am not the type to sit back and say nothing and that's when the arguments start. I can't help but sit here and hope that he'll call and say that he'll live by the rules.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Sounds like him living with you, and the choices he's making, are not in keeping with your serenity. So he's an adult, and he can find himself other arrangements that do not disrupt your peace and serenity, and home.
It certainly does smell from here like a lot of addict-y thinking still happening...
CLMI
It certainly does smell from here like a lot of addict-y thinking still happening...
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi BG, and welcome to SR! 
Are you working any sort of recovery program for yourself, like Alanon or Naranon.
Addiction can leave very deep scars on family and friends of loved ones, and we need to find a way to heal from those effects.
Frustrating as it is, he is a big boy and has the right to make his own choices, poor though they may be.
It's good that you did make it clear you would not enable him.
I have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction, and today I allow her the dignity to make her own choices, even though they are poor choices. Who am I to say what God's plan is for her?!
We have very little contact, and to be honest, would have none were it not for my 15-year-old granddaughter who lives with her.
I am also a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic, and I am grateful to those who allowed me to fumble around early in recovery, those who didn't judge me when I eventually relapsed, and those who welcomed me back into recovery with open arms when I was ready.
I hope you continue to post, and know you are among friends, okay?
Are you working any sort of recovery program for yourself, like Alanon or Naranon.
Addiction can leave very deep scars on family and friends of loved ones, and we need to find a way to heal from those effects.
Frustrating as it is, he is a big boy and has the right to make his own choices, poor though they may be.
It's good that you did make it clear you would not enable him.
I have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction, and today I allow her the dignity to make her own choices, even though they are poor choices. Who am I to say what God's plan is for her?!
We have very little contact, and to be honest, would have none were it not for my 15-year-old granddaughter who lives with her.
I am also a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic, and I am grateful to those who allowed me to fumble around early in recovery, those who didn't judge me when I eventually relapsed, and those who welcomed me back into recovery with open arms when I was ready.
I hope you continue to post, and know you are among friends, okay?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
Has he thought about moving to a sober living facility? A little distance would probably be less stressful for all of you. My son went to sober living straight from rehab, and stayed for a few months before getting his own place. That served as a good transition for all of us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: MA
Posts: 6
Thanks for the validation that these choices don't appear to pass the smell test for a great start to recovery.
I haven't started a recovery program for myself. Wish I had years ago since I need some serenity in my life. Dealing with him AND an extended family that has coddled and enabled him whenever I tried to implement some tough love, has left me depleted. I'm so sick of being the bad guy and I feel like I've spent a lifetime trying to stay one step ahead of this battle. I long for peace and serenity.
I haven't started a recovery program for myself. Wish I had years ago since I need some serenity in my life. Dealing with him AND an extended family that has coddled and enabled him whenever I tried to implement some tough love, has left me depleted. I'm so sick of being the bad guy and I feel like I've spent a lifetime trying to stay one step ahead of this battle. I long for peace and serenity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: MA
Posts: 6
mayabee, he mentioned the possibility of a sober living facility. He'll probably look into it more now that the girl he's with is staying at one. He's very much a follower, so the more he is exposed, the more likely he'll act on it.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Welcome to SR and I'm sorry for your difficulties with you son. Early recovery is a tough time and it's always a challenge to "keep your hands off the addict" and work your own program.
I think that we are all entitled to a home life that is serene and operates within our boundaries. It's difficult to have "almost grown" children live at home anyway - and then to have them dealing with a recovery on top on it. Just tough stuff.
One thing that I learned is that my thinking got every bit as sick as the addict in my life. I was hyper aware of what sort of recovery program my husband was working. I could see all of the pitfalls that were in his path. It really was hard for me to keep my nose out of his recovery. I had to trust myself to honor my own boundaries.
As much as you would love to be supportive of him and help him the most important thing is to honor the serenity and peace of your own home and life. If he can't abide by the rules of your home then he needs to leave. I had to learn how to consistently adhere to my boundaries though - inconsistancy just created more and more problems.
This forum is a great place to connect with other parents that are going through the same thing as you. Read the stickies at the top of the forum and also - it's a great idea to get into the Melody Beatty books about codependency. Going to Alanon/Naranon meetings is a great way to learn how to take care of "you".
Hope that you keep coming back!
I think that we are all entitled to a home life that is serene and operates within our boundaries. It's difficult to have "almost grown" children live at home anyway - and then to have them dealing with a recovery on top on it. Just tough stuff.
One thing that I learned is that my thinking got every bit as sick as the addict in my life. I was hyper aware of what sort of recovery program my husband was working. I could see all of the pitfalls that were in his path. It really was hard for me to keep my nose out of his recovery. I had to trust myself to honor my own boundaries.
As much as you would love to be supportive of him and help him the most important thing is to honor the serenity and peace of your own home and life. If he can't abide by the rules of your home then he needs to leave. I had to learn how to consistently adhere to my boundaries though - inconsistancy just created more and more problems.
This forum is a great place to connect with other parents that are going through the same thing as you. Read the stickies at the top of the forum and also - it's a great idea to get into the Melody Beatty books about codependency. Going to Alanon/Naranon meetings is a great way to learn how to take care of "you".
Hope that you keep coming back!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
none of my business...but was wondering where the HECK is his sponsor in all this...I needs a GOOD sponsor for him to do it rite....
gosh already dating? thats a NO NO...but again this is HIS RECOVERY...
time for him to become a ADULT..yes i would for my serenity., ask him to leave...ps sure hoping he has a job...(just saying)
NOW you...time for Nar Anon or AL anon...great programs and such good wisdoms in those rooms...can help EVERYONE that has been effected....good luck
gosh already dating? thats a NO NO...but again this is HIS RECOVERY...
time for him to become a ADULT..yes i would for my serenity., ask him to leave...ps sure hoping he has a job...(just saying)
NOW you...time for Nar Anon or AL anon...great programs and such good wisdoms in those rooms...can help EVERYONE that has been effected....good luck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
BlameGame
Trying to deal with our adult children in their early recovery in our home is very much like putting the fox in charge of the hen house.
I have done the same thing that you have done. I have stuck my nose where it didn't belong (in his recovery). And I have continued with my controlling behaviors long after I should have allowed a natural flow of things. The problem? That's REALLY difficult not to do while they are living with us. We become the guardian of their sobriety and take on the responsibility to keep them on task in their recovery. It doesn't work.
I truly hope that your son will be agreeable to getting into a sober living environment. He'll still have to follow the rules but at least you won't be the one trying to enforce them. I just cannot find serenity when the addict is living in my house. Living with me was as bad for MY recovery as it was for his.
It's really difficult being the mother of an addict/alcoholic. It's very hard doing it alone. I find tremendous relief and comfort in the rooms of Naranon and Alanon. They get it. And I'm finding that I needed as much (or more) help as my son did.
You and your son will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
Trying to deal with our adult children in their early recovery in our home is very much like putting the fox in charge of the hen house.
I have done the same thing that you have done. I have stuck my nose where it didn't belong (in his recovery). And I have continued with my controlling behaviors long after I should have allowed a natural flow of things. The problem? That's REALLY difficult not to do while they are living with us. We become the guardian of their sobriety and take on the responsibility to keep them on task in their recovery. It doesn't work.
I truly hope that your son will be agreeable to getting into a sober living environment. He'll still have to follow the rules but at least you won't be the one trying to enforce them. I just cannot find serenity when the addict is living in my house. Living with me was as bad for MY recovery as it was for his.
It's really difficult being the mother of an addict/alcoholic. It's very hard doing it alone. I find tremendous relief and comfort in the rooms of Naranon and Alanon. They get it. And I'm finding that I needed as much (or more) help as my son did.
You and your son will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: MA
Posts: 6
fourmaggie,
He doesn't have an official sponsor yet. He says that he does have n/a people that he can talk to, though and seems to look forward to the meetings. Are there rules about how much clean time you need under your belt to be a sponsor? I'm unsure how all this works about how to acquire a sponsor.
Kindeyes
I guess I AM trying to be the guardian of his sobriety and trying to keep him on track. Same as I've been doing for years. But most of those years he was a minor and I was legally responsible for him. He's a big boy now, though, and I need to salvage what's left of my life. I will find a meeting. Here in MA there's also a group called "Learn to Cope" for parents of drug abusers.
I have two kids that are so different. One has such a good head on her shoulders and makes great choices and the other seems to have made it his life's goal to PROVE that the wrong choices are the right ones. Right now, the only thing that I think he's learned is that there is one drug he shouldn't do. I can only hope that he learns in NA that he needs to stay away from all mind altering substances.
He doesn't have an official sponsor yet. He says that he does have n/a people that he can talk to, though and seems to look forward to the meetings. Are there rules about how much clean time you need under your belt to be a sponsor? I'm unsure how all this works about how to acquire a sponsor.
Kindeyes
I guess I AM trying to be the guardian of his sobriety and trying to keep him on track. Same as I've been doing for years. But most of those years he was a minor and I was legally responsible for him. He's a big boy now, though, and I need to salvage what's left of my life. I will find a meeting. Here in MA there's also a group called "Learn to Cope" for parents of drug abusers.
I have two kids that are so different. One has such a good head on her shoulders and makes great choices and the other seems to have made it his life's goal to PROVE that the wrong choices are the right ones. Right now, the only thing that I think he's learned is that there is one drug he shouldn't do. I can only hope that he learns in NA that he needs to stay away from all mind altering substances.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
In regards to sponsors, all of my sponsors have been folks who have worked the steps, and are demonstrating recovery in all areas of their lives.
I have only had 3 sponsors. My first died of old age with many years in recovery. Another one quit going to meetings and was busy enabling her alcoholic children, so she no longer had what I wanted. I've had my current sponsor 20+ years now, and he's been clean/sober 29 years, and leads by example.
I have only had 3 sponsors. My first died of old age with many years in recovery. Another one quit going to meetings and was busy enabling her alcoholic children, so she no longer had what I wanted. I've had my current sponsor 20+ years now, and he's been clean/sober 29 years, and leads by example.
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