BadCompany

At the temple Christ asks the paralyzed man "do you want to be made well?". (John 5) At first blush this seems like a stupid question. Of course he wants to be made well, he's been paralyzed for 38 years, who wouldn't want to be made well.

Then I ran square into the steps and the genius of Christ became clear to me.

"I ruthlessly faced my sins and became willing to have my new-found Friend take them away, root and branch." Page 13 of the AA big book, first edition.

Exactly that! I had this big list of defects and wanted them to be gone they were killing me, why wouldn't I want them all gone. I was in for a bigger fight than I bargained for.

Yes I want to be free of my resentments, but I don't really want to give up my self pity. I want to quit the sexual misconduct but I don't want to give up the validation it gives me. I want to lose the disgrace of my dishonesty but neither do I want you to see the real me. I want to feel better about myself but I don't want to give up my judgment. I want to get rid of my sloth, but I sure don't want to get up off of my fat ass. Every character defect has a payoff, and I have to be willing to let go of that payoff to be free of the defect.

Again, as was the case in step 2 I had the difficult task of becoming willing when I really wasn't willing at all.

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Just tripping on where I am on this step and thought I'd share.

keithj

"I am now willing that you should have ALL of me, good and bad."

aabb1st

susanlauren

One of the speaker tapes I recently listened to (Mark H. and Joe H.) talks about giving away the fifth step to several different people. To do that apparently smashes the ego to a greater degree than a single fifth step and as a result removes all resistance to having one's character defects removed. I have no idea whether this works or not. I found it difficult enough to give my 5th step to one person. If I were to give my fifth step to three or four people, I imagine I would be bawling my eyes out on my knees begging God to make me different. I guess that is their whole point. Susan

Boleo

This sounds like a paradox to me "becoming willing when I really wasn't willing". It reminds me of "He wants to want to stop." from page 109.

I myself experienced Cognitive dissonance when doing the steps. IMO this is where steps 6 & 8 come into play. I have preconceived notions about what I will and will not do and even when I "know better" than to let them interfere with my moving forward they do anyway.

I have to pray for both willingness and courage to go beyond those barriers that inhibit change. The concepts that helped me most were the famous paradox's;

We must suffer to get well
We must surrender to win
We must give it away to keep it
We must die (egotistically) to be reborn.

About the only thing that breaks my ego down is counter intuitive action and contrarian thinking. AKA sacrifice and humility.

NYCDoglvr

What has helped me is to say: "I'm willing to be willing". That's half the battle, right there.

DayTrader

Yep......it's, in my mind, a pretty sorry state of affairs when I have to pray for willingness........but sometimes, that's just the best I can do.

Being honest with myself about where I REALLY am and what I'm REALLY thinking is tough sometimes - especially when my ideals and my reality are in such deep contrast to one another.

Music

God knows what we want and what we need. But, like the man in the scripture, we have to ask for what we want and need. Humility and an act of faith are all it takes. As in step #5, we need to voice our resentments and our character defects, not because God doesn't already know but because we need to be humble enough to do the act. Good post BC.