anxiety and AA sponsorship
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
anxiety and AA sponsorship
I was asked a couple weeks ago to sponsor a newcomer in AA by them. As I was put on the spot I agreed. Since then my anxiety level has been out of control. Every time I see her my anxiety goes through the roof, even when she calls me on the phone (fortunately she has only done this twice). I am beginning to think this is very unhealthy for both of us as I am unable due to my anxiety to be an effective sponsor and therefor not able to walk her through the Steps like she needs. It is hard to walk someone through the Steps when one can not meet with her on a face to face basis. The only time I have seen her is at meetings and I keep putting off meeting together. I don't know how to tell her I just can't do this without hurting her feelings. I wish I knew someone that could take her on as a sponsee but I don't right now. So in the meantime I am stuck in this non productive and possibly hurtful arrangement.
Any thoughts or experience on this would be very helpful.
Any thoughts or experience on this would be very helpful.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: near Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 377
I am sorry to hear of your anxiety - I know that, for ME, I have ENOUGH anxiety without some more "situational anxiety" entering the picture...as this sponsorship situation has obviously done to you.
Prayers sent your way,
Kelly
Prayers sent your way,
Kelly
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
I'm sorry to hear your having such a hard time. Increasing your anxiety as you posted is not good for you or her.
I know you don't want to hurt her feelings ....but I've always found honesty to be the best way to go. She probably feels you anxiety and is wondering if maybe its her? IDK I would come clean and resolve this. Just my opinion.
Best Wishes To You!
I know you don't want to hurt her feelings ....but I've always found honesty to be the best way to go. She probably feels you anxiety and is wondering if maybe its her? IDK I would come clean and resolve this. Just my opinion.
Best Wishes To You!
Life the gift of recovery!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
So I have not had a chance to talk to the sponsee about it yet but I did find her a sponsor. Someone I have known in sobriety for 10 years now who has 16 years of sobriety and has a lot of experience sponsoring people so I know she will do a great job.
I will talk to her on Monday night. I am relieved now but will finally feel the weight off my shoulders when this is over.
I will talk to her on Monday night. I am relieved now but will finally feel the weight off my shoulders when this is over.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,969
I sure know the want to be helpful to others and yet have my mental illness triggered to such a degree that my emotional health starts to decline.
Keep trying to aid others but recognize the importance of being safe mentally. Hopefully you will find a workable medium soon
.
Keep trying to aid others but recognize the importance of being safe mentally. Hopefully you will find a workable medium soon
.
Life the gift of recovery!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
So I was able to talk to a friend who was happy to take over sponsoring my sponsee.
I talked with my sponsee after a meeting last night and let her know it was nothing personal and that it had to do with my mental health issues. Then I let her know that I was not just dumping her and had a lady who would be happy to sponsor her that she already knew if she was willing to have her as a sponsor. She was and I let them get together right after I talked to her and things look really promising for her. I trust my friend and know she will do a wonderful job. She has a lot of experience with sponsorship.
I talked with my sponsee after a meeting last night and let her know it was nothing personal and that it had to do with my mental health issues. Then I let her know that I was not just dumping her and had a lady who would be happy to sponsor her that she already knew if she was willing to have her as a sponsor. She was and I let them get together right after I talked to her and things look really promising for her. I trust my friend and know she will do a wonderful job. She has a lot of experience with sponsorship.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,969
I glad you able to resolve this. Looks like you did the best job of it too. Along with being mindful of everybody's concerns. 
Good going!
Having debilitating anxiety from time to time myself, I know how challenging it is to manage day to day living under extreme stressful times. Just remember that when one is doing the best they can...
that is very commendable.
Good going!Having debilitating anxiety from time to time myself, I know how challenging it is to manage day to day living under extreme stressful times. Just remember that when one is doing the best they can...
that is very commendable.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Within the last 5 years I had a couple of gals ask me to sponsor them...after talking with my sponsor...(she said i wasn't ready due to my mental health issues)..we decided I couldn't give away what i didn't have at the time....serenity. Now stable, I would accept an offer...but only if I remained stable! Some just don't understand dual diagnosis, and how we have to work double time on our own sobriety. You did the right thing, in my opinion. Now, just take care of you and don't give in to any guilt feelings if they pop up.
Prayers out, Nan..
Prayers out, Nan..
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by nandm 
How is it a terrible thing to do to someone who reached out for help from someone who is incapable of giving it? If I am unable to meet her needs then she needs to see someone who can. What you are suggesting is ridiculous. It would be selfish and a way for me to not get better myself to think that I am able to sponsor someone. So don't be condescending
I did everything I could to do the right thing which is make sure there was someone who could meet her needs since I could not. I did not drop her on her face. She wants my friendship still and has called me since this. She is quite understanding about the situation and is happy to have a person who can meet her needs.
I am sorry that you can not understand that and feel that she should have stayed with a sponsor who is incapable of sponsoring her. That is ridiculous as without the guidance of a real sponsor how do you propose she remain sober. I would really like to hear your opinions on how she would remain sober with a sponsor who can not be a sponsor??
I did everything I could to do the right thing which is make sure there was someone who could meet her needs since I could not. I did not drop her on her face. She wants my friendship still and has called me since this. She is quite understanding about the situation and is happy to have a person who can meet her needs.
I am sorry that you can not understand that and feel that she should have stayed with a sponsor who is incapable of sponsoring her. That is ridiculous as without the guidance of a real sponsor how do you propose she remain sober. I would really like to hear your opinions on how she would remain sober with a sponsor who can not be a sponsor??
You obviously passed a lot of hurdles when you were 'asked' to help a new comer, yet something inside of you gave you anxiety. Truthfully what anxiety or thoughts came about? Was it because she was attractive? Gave you an uncomfortable feeling? Or just utterly too disgusting for you to handle?
There is no wrong nor 'acceptable' (this is what I should say) response, as we are all here to help. Be frank. I only ask so that you can be a stronger person and resolve the root of your anxiety in this situation. You don't have to reply, but perhaps a genuine reflection might suffice.
Regardless, I'm glad you resolved this, because it's okay to be selfish! If you feel something is hampering you to that degree then you should definitely correct it.
But at the same time, I just hope you realize what was 'trully' bothering you. From your posts, you seem like a strong person, enough to be nominated as a helper for new comers.
No one's perfect.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 455
nandm,
You did the right thing by getting the newcomer a different sponsor.
Obviously you cared about this person.
It sucks to be put on the spot like that, but it is much easier to politely decline an offer than to put yourself through the ordeal you just went through.
Take it as a learning experience! Just like they tell you on planes, "put your mask on first, then put on the child's mask!"
Good luck moving forward!
You did the right thing by getting the newcomer a different sponsor.
Obviously you cared about this person.
It sucks to be put on the spot like that, but it is much easier to politely decline an offer than to put yourself through the ordeal you just went through.
Take it as a learning experience! Just like they tell you on planes, "put your mask on first, then put on the child's mask!"
Good luck moving forward!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi everyone....
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4. No Flaming: Posting of any content with the intention of disrupting the forum or inflaming members-be it on someone's person, religious beliefs, race, national background, sexual orientation, or recovery program. This includes flaming, flame baiting, registration of multiple accounts or impersonation of another member. Do not Harass, threaten, embarrass or cause distress or discomfort upon another Online Forum participant. This includes flaming on our forums or other public forums.
No posts that attack, insult, "flame", defame, or abuse members or non-members. Respect other members of the community and don’t belittle, make fun of, or insult another member or non-member. Decisions about health and recovery are highly personal, individual choices. "Flaming" and insults, however, will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree. This applies to both the forums and chat.
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