GoodKarma

Can excessive drinking and smoking cause ED? My boyfriend drinks 24/7 and also smokes. The last couple of times we had sex, he had ED problems. Now he just refuses to even try anymore and just makes excuses that he is too tired to have sex... etc.

I am very sure he is not seeing someone else, but we have not had sex in over a month now. It is so frustrating and we do live together. One more thing, he is 47 years old and I know the testosterone level starts to decrease.

Anyone else ever had this problem? He has admitted that he is an alcoholic, but he has no interest in seeing a doctor or quitting drinking and smoking.

LaPinturaBella

Both can be contributing factors to ED...as well as being 47.

skippernlilg

That's what happened in my relationship with my ABF, who is 35. We experienced ED for a few months, and then finally gave up. It's been 13 months since our last successful sexual experience. He even gave up other forms of intimacy as his disease progressed.

That is one part of my life I hadn't been ready to give up.

But now I'm in recovery as an Alanoid, and probably won't be interested in that part of my life again for at least another year.

GoodKarma

This problem only started a few months ago. We have been together for awhile. But yes, you are right, he refuses to see he has a problem and the alcohol is much more important than a relationship or sex for that matter.

Taking5

Yes too much alcohol can definitely cause ED. When I stopped it took about 6 weeks for me to um, rise to the occassion, but when I did it was like I was 25 again.

Now if that is not a reason to quit drinking what is?

GoodKarma

Anvilhead, I can assure you that I did not go into the relationship with him knowing these things. I would definitely not choose someone if I knew they had problems like these. There is no way of knowing what is gonna happen down the road with someone when you start a relationship with them.

If he had been this way when I met him, I would have been gone fast.

Clearly he doesn't want to stop drinking...I can see that. Nor does he want any medical help. So if that is the life he wants, he can live it without me in it.

Pelican

Welcome back GK,

I just re-read some of your old posts. You were here one year ago with questions about an ex abf that drank 24/7. Same guy? Or same pattern?

I'm sorry to hear that your needs are not being met. It will be up to you to decide how important your physical needs are in this relationship.
You did not cause his ED,
You cant control his ED
You cant cure his ED for him.

GoodKarma

Same pattern Pelican. You're right...I didn't cause his ED nor can I control it or cure it. He really doesn't seem to care about it that much.

Linkmeister

Went through the same thing with my EXABF. He tried to pin it on me, saying that my smoking killed off his sexual desire. Add antidepressants and medication for high blood pressure into the mix along with alcohol and yeah, ED happens.

skippernlilg

I'm getting a bumper sticker for my car:

'ED Happens" :rotfxko

MeredithD1

yes
so you're still in the early stages
yes, it does, and with the drinking/smoking, it drops faster
Both this problem, with my AH now, and the opposite problem with my XAH, who was in his late 20's when we were married (I was in my early 30's) and who wanted to be serviced the way he wanted to be serviced, when he wanted to be serviced - which was all the time. And yes...like you...Hey, look at the trend, XAH and AH. (Sigh) I'm sorry. You said if that's the life he wants, he can live it without you in it. Does that mean you are going your separate way? If you do, he may try to get you to stay - and I get that you didn't see this coming - we're not mind readers, after all. Things happen that change the course of our lives.

Linkmeister

GoodKarma

MeredithD1, thank you so much for your post. You answered all the things I wanted to know. Yes, you are right...it has been one month with no sex, I can see now that I am in the early stages of this if I stay.

Just don't want this kind of life.

seekingcalm

Yes definitely in my experience. When my rabf was active, and on antidepressants, and on high blood pressure meds, there were lots of problems in that area. I had no idea that these were the cause.

Both in our 50's...and now with over 1 year sober, he is off all meds and no problems at all. What the he** good is alcohol for anything??

BarelyHere

I experienced this problem for yrs with my rah. His was opiate & alcohol abuse. And I didn't know what was going on. I spent yrs thinking & accusing him of having affairs. Also my self esteem was shot. We had been married 21 yrs & I knew him very well and this was not him.
It has come back since he has been working on recovery. But it is very hard for me. I am still holding a lot of resentment.
Wishing you lots of support.

Jazzman

Sounds like he's made it pretty clear what his priorities are. The ball's in your court.

4thekidz

This was a huge issue for me and the main thrust of why I quit drinking on April 15th (puns intended). Both my wife and I love good sex and both seem to need it fairly frequently. It took me about a month after quitting to achieve successful intercourse (by my wife's definition) and things seem to be improving, but my machismo took a hit and it is still recovering. I believe that at age 44 the bout of ED was my "bottom."

Perhaps your boyfriend will look inside himself and stiffen his resolve.

GoodKarma

You are all telling me that if he stops drinking, then things would be good again. That sounds great...however, he has no desire to stop drinking. He absolutely loves it. He has even stopped riding his motorcycle very much because he has increased his beer intake and getting drunk more often.

4thekidz, you said that was your bottom when you couldn't have sex and I am so glad you turned things around for yourself. I just can't see my abf stopping the beer. He has a beer in his hand 24/7 and I do mean that. He keeps a bottle of beer by the bed, so he can reach over in the middle of the night and drink some of it.

He says he likes sex, but I don't think he is willing to give up the beer for it. This all just started a couple of months ago.

lillamy

You are just seeing the beginning. I can tell, because you care about the ED. By the time my XAH's alcoholism gave him ED, I was relieved I wouldn't have to have intercourse with him anymore.

jamaicamecrazy

So glad this topic came up. My AH and I had always had a good sex life. Even when we weren't getting along and in counseling, it seemed like it was the only way we were communicating and making each other feel good. Then he just couldn't anymore. Of course I beat myself up about it. "I am too fat" "He is seeing someone else." Knowing full well that the combination of alcohol and BP medication on a 50 year old was the culprit. Turns out he was having an "emotional affair" and besides blaming me for the drinking he blamed me for making him seek comfort elsewhere. QUACK!!!
But I also know that it was such an emotional blow for him to not be able to function. Add that to his other feelings of insecurity and worthlessness. He remembers the one time I left the bedroom out of sheer frustration and not the dozens of times I told him it was alright. But he never considered stopping the drinking. He did go off the BP meds. What whacked out priorities!