Need advice on supporting the recovering alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
Need advice on supporting the recovering alcoholic
My partner is 65 days sober. I tried not drinking and did it for 2 weeks then I really just felt like having a glass of wine so I had one when she went to her meeting-she smelled it on my breath later and got upset. I have gone out 2 times to bars and drank without her, I drank 2 nights ago while she was at a meeting cause we were fighting. I go to 2-3 meetings with her every week since she started.
We had a huge fight and broke up 2 nights ago. I'm begging for her back. She says I have not been supportive of her sobriety. That is just 1 of the things she is resentful of. Have I been that bad and not supportive??
She used to be the crier and clinging to me-since this happened she is emotionless. I'm the crier now. AA has changed her-she is completely different. I've been sobbing for 3 days now and she has not shed a tear over this. I've never loved anymore-granted our rel has been crazy-good and bad. I've gone thru the period where I almost want her to start drinking again even though the last time it got ugly-at least then things would be the same and not all this changing and probably losing her.
Any advice would be grateful. I'm falling apart. I'm unemployed with no place to move to-which makes it all that much harder.
We had a huge fight and broke up 2 nights ago. I'm begging for her back. She says I have not been supportive of her sobriety. That is just 1 of the things she is resentful of. Have I been that bad and not supportive??
She used to be the crier and clinging to me-since this happened she is emotionless. I'm the crier now. AA has changed her-she is completely different. I've been sobbing for 3 days now and she has not shed a tear over this. I've never loved anymore-granted our rel has been crazy-good and bad. I've gone thru the period where I almost want her to start drinking again even though the last time it got ugly-at least then things would be the same and not all this changing and probably losing her.
Any advice would be grateful. I'm falling apart. I'm unemployed with no place to move to-which makes it all that much harder.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Sorry you are having these problems, but if you have thoughts of wanting her to start drinking again so things will be easier for you, then I have to question if what you really feel for her is love. Love wants the best for our partner, not for our partner to live a life that makes us comfortable.
I'm not saying that you having a glass of wine is being bad. That, in and of itself, isn't. But it sounds like you are determined to drink, whether she is attempting to refrain or not. That is not being supportive.
Her main focus should be, and sounds like it is, her own sobriety. If having you around drinking and criticizing AA because you think it has changed her is detrimental to her sobriety, then she in all likelihood will make the changes necessary to protect her sobriety. No one here is going to blame her for that.
I'm not saying that you having a glass of wine is being bad. That, in and of itself, isn't. But it sounds like you are determined to drink, whether she is attempting to refrain or not. That is not being supportive.
Her main focus should be, and sounds like it is, her own sobriety. If having you around drinking and criticizing AA because you think it has changed her is detrimental to her sobriety, then she in all likelihood will make the changes necessary to protect her sobriety. No one here is going to blame her for that.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I am sorry that you are hurting after your break up. Endings are tough. Ending relationships can have the same effect as lose due to death. We go through a process of grieving.
Melody Beattie wrote a book "Codependent No More". It has a chapter dedicated to the steps of grieving. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. The language in the book is practical and easy to understand. I have read and re-read that book many times. It has helped me deal with anger, grief and relationships.
I want to assume your thoughts of having your partner return to drinking are a form of denial/bargaining. However, it could also be a form of wanting the status quo to return to what was keeping you in your own personal addiction.
Hi, I'm known as Pelican, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also a member of Alanon as I spent 14 years married to an active alcoholic.
I know alcoholism from both sides of the fence.
Your partner has chosen to end your relationship. You said that your lack of support is just one of the resentments she has.
Did the fact that you're drinking at bars while unemployed create resentments?
Did the fact that you are blaming friction in your relationship as a reason to drink cause resentment?
You drank because you wanted to. You continue to drink because you want to. That is your choice.
Your partner has also made choices.
I wish you peace as you come to acceptance in respecting her wishes. I wish you serenity as you travel your own path to acceptance.
I am sorry that you are hurting after your break up. Endings are tough. Ending relationships can have the same effect as lose due to death. We go through a process of grieving.
Melody Beattie wrote a book "Codependent No More". It has a chapter dedicated to the steps of grieving. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. The language in the book is practical and easy to understand. I have read and re-read that book many times. It has helped me deal with anger, grief and relationships.
I want to assume your thoughts of having your partner return to drinking are a form of denial/bargaining. However, it could also be a form of wanting the status quo to return to what was keeping you in your own personal addiction.
Hi, I'm known as Pelican, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also a member of Alanon as I spent 14 years married to an active alcoholic.
I know alcoholism from both sides of the fence.
Your partner has chosen to end your relationship. You said that your lack of support is just one of the resentments she has.
Did the fact that you're drinking at bars while unemployed create resentments?
Did the fact that you are blaming friction in your relationship as a reason to drink cause resentment?
You drank because you wanted to. You continue to drink because you want to. That is your choice.
Your partner has also made choices.
I wish you peace as you come to acceptance in respecting her wishes. I wish you serenity as you travel your own path to acceptance.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
and then they wonder why the SOBER alcoholic is NOT to have a relationship for a year....
get into AL ANON...do for you...(in the mean time, this will help you understand what is going on with this deadly disease of alcoholism)
get into AL ANON...do for you...(in the mean time, this will help you understand what is going on with this deadly disease of alcoholism)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm sorry your so upset. You said you want to support her ... if you really mean this, don't go around her when you've had alcohol. I'm speaking now as a recovering alcoholic. In AA we learn there are three things that can lead us back to a drink: people, places and things. One of the hardest things about getting sober is the need to change our lives as well. We can't be around people who drink, at least in early recovery. And after almost 20 years I cannot be in the presence of someone drunk or an active alcoholic. It's jot judgmental. It's just that if I don't put my sobriety first I will loose it.
As you can see on this thread, alcohol kills people, it ruins lives. A group of physicians put out a paper that said of all the drugs available, alcohol is the most lethal. That's because it destroys many lives, including families and friends. Other drugs, like heroin, you're just killing yourself.
As you can see on this thread, alcohol kills people, it ruins lives. A group of physicians put out a paper that said of all the drugs available, alcohol is the most lethal. That's because it destroys many lives, including families and friends. Other drugs, like heroin, you're just killing yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 26
Heroin does not just harm the addict. Addiction is a family disease and destroys many lives. Alcohol destroys more lives statistically because it is legal and drinking is socially acceptable. But you are greatly mistaken in thinking that heroin only harms the user.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
this woman is too early in HER recovery...i guess she is politely asking for him to NOT drink or maybe having it around...but you must remember this is HER DISEASE not his....
I for one, i do have compassion for the alcoholic, but when the time is right after a year or more, i think she needs to BUCKLE up and take the relationship for what it is...he is a social drinker SHE IS NOT....
its a hard call.....
I for one, i do have compassion for the alcoholic, but when the time is right after a year or more, i think she needs to BUCKLE up and take the relationship for what it is...he is a social drinker SHE IS NOT....
its a hard call.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: jonesboro
Posts: 3
I am new to this site...found alot of useful information and stories. My husband of 7 yrs checked himself into a long term rehab a month ago. I told him that I would be there to support him thru this...but since he's been gone...I am lost...I did not realize that I had allowed him to seclude me from everyone...and that I had my own issues that I need to work out. I don't even know who I am anymore...I have obviously lost myself somewhere down the road. Now, I don't really want to go down this road with him. It is gonna take awhile to get myself back together and I really don't think that I can give anymore. I just want to help myself...not really willing to hang around and see what happens. We have been down so many roads of stopping and starting that I am exhausted. Hmmm...so does one throw in the towel...or hang around to see what happens. Even not drinking he's still a smarta%% and verbally abusive. After reading my own post...I guess I have answered my own question.
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,252
Originally Posted by lostmyself43 
I am new to this site...found alot of useful information and stories. My husband of 7 yrs checked himself into a long term rehab a month ago. I told him that I would be there to support him thru this...but since he's been gone...I am lost...I did not realize that I had allowed him to seclude me from everyone...and that I had my own issues that I need to work out. I don't even know who I am anymore...I have obviously lost myself somewhere down the road. Now, I don't really want to go down this road with him. It is gonna take awhile to get myself back together and I really don't think that I can give anymore. I just want to help myself...not really willing to hang around and see what happens. We have been down so many roads of stopping and starting that I am exhausted. Hmmm...so does one throw in the towel...or hang around to see what happens. Even not drinking he's still a smarta%% and verbally abusive. After reading my own post...I guess I have answered my own question.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
If someone breaks up with you bc you had a glass of wine and decides that that is you not being "supportive" of their recovery, that person has a LOT more recovery work to do. Sounds to me like that person is STILL looking to you and all things external to make life comfortable for them instead of dealing with life on life's terms.
I'm really sorry you're hurting -- alcoholics can't be parts of relationships. They take hostages (isn't that the expression?) and I don't hear anything recovery ish in what you're relaying you're being told by your "R" A. Being expected to be x,y,z in order to make recovery possible for another is complete b.s. It's no different logic than the A telling us they drink bc of us.
If your partner chooses to end a relationship with you bc of a glass of wine, that seems to be pretty clear evidence that there's a lot more individual recovery work that person needs to do.
Sorry things are so tough for you both right now.
I'm really sorry you're hurting -- alcoholics can't be parts of relationships. They take hostages (isn't that the expression?) and I don't hear anything recovery ish in what you're relaying you're being told by your "R" A. Being expected to be x,y,z in order to make recovery possible for another is complete b.s. It's no different logic than the A telling us they drink bc of us.
If your partner chooses to end a relationship with you bc of a glass of wine, that seems to be pretty clear evidence that there's a lot more individual recovery work that person needs to do.
Sorry things are so tough for you both right now.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I was sober four years
and at an art function
I noticed the people struggling
with a particular kind of bottle opener.
having tended bar for years,
i offered to help.
the bottle 'popped' open
(it really WAS a crappy opener)
and I got wine splashed on me.
It was very hot summer evening
I was tired, my backhurt from standing
and I got triggered.
Smelling alcohol on someone is a flat out trigger.
It doesn't MATTER how 'sober' you are or for how long.
Anyone can get caught off guard and get triggered.
That said -
I hope you'll take some of the advice here
and look into Alanon for yourself
because she sounds like she's in this for herself
and if only one is doing the recovering
I haven't known that to solve a relationship.
Speaking as an alcoholic
she's trying to save her own life.
WIthout knowing all the facts
based singly on what's been written in the first post -
I advise getting into a program that
helps one recover from unhealthy relationships
and then see what happens.
But I have to side with giving her room to try to save herself.
So few alcoholics really TRY to do that.
And sadly even fewer truly succeed.
Because we never can stop trying
to make ourselves better people
it's never finished.
and at an art function
I noticed the people struggling
with a particular kind of bottle opener.
having tended bar for years,
i offered to help.
the bottle 'popped' open
(it really WAS a crappy opener)
and I got wine splashed on me.
It was very hot summer evening
I was tired, my backhurt from standing
and I got triggered.
Smelling alcohol on someone is a flat out trigger.
It doesn't MATTER how 'sober' you are or for how long.
Anyone can get caught off guard and get triggered.
That said -
I hope you'll take some of the advice here
and look into Alanon for yourself
because she sounds like she's in this for herself
and if only one is doing the recovering
I haven't known that to solve a relationship.
Speaking as an alcoholic
she's trying to save her own life.
WIthout knowing all the facts
based singly on what's been written in the first post -
I advise getting into a program that
helps one recover from unhealthy relationships
and then see what happens.
But I have to side with giving her room to try to save herself.
So few alcoholics really TRY to do that.
And sadly even fewer truly succeed.
Because we never can stop trying
to make ourselves better people
it's never finished.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Nope, she ended the relationship for more reasons that one glass of wine. The OP admitted that. She was right to do what is necessary for her own recovery. We are all responsible for our own recovery. She is taking care of hers. Now the OP needs to take care of his.
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