How do I respond to this? Or do I even have to?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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How do I respond to this? Or do I even have to?
"R"AH verbally attacked me the other day. He just completely lost it for no apparent reason. Went on and on about how lazy I am, I don't care about anything but myself, have no friends, don't even get along with my family, not being a good mother...blah, blah, blah!! I refused to engage. In fact, it was so over the top, I had to go in another room to hide my giggles. Really, it was so ridiculous that I was laughing. And then it was over. He was calmly sitting at the kitchen table asking what we, as a family, should do that day.
I thought about this scene, which played out in front of my 4 children, and decided it really wasn't so funny. I don't care what he says about me. I know what I am. BUT, my children should never be exposed to that. I explained to him, 2 days later, when he appeared to be in a relatively good mood, that I did not approve of how he speaks to me. I went on to say that I am used to it, and there is nothing he can say to me that would really hurt me anymore. But, I told him to NEVER speak that way in front of the children again. His response??
"So, you are saying that I am not allowed to express myself? We want to teach our children to hold their feelings in and not be allowed to say what they think?"
So, apparently, he feels that he was teaching his children a healthy way to express yourself....get everything off your chest. Say whatever you feel, whether it is true or not....whether it is hurtful or not. Now, I am not lazy, I am very close with my family, I am a very good mother, and usually always put myself last. He said those things not because he believes them (he doesn't) but because he wanted to be an a##hole and try to pi## me off. I want my children to feel free to express their feelings, of course. But certainly not at the expense of other people's feelings.
Anyone have any advice here? Shall I just let this go? Is there anything I can say about this that would possibly make sense to my "R"AH? (I doubt it).
I thought about this scene, which played out in front of my 4 children, and decided it really wasn't so funny. I don't care what he says about me. I know what I am. BUT, my children should never be exposed to that. I explained to him, 2 days later, when he appeared to be in a relatively good mood, that I did not approve of how he speaks to me. I went on to say that I am used to it, and there is nothing he can say to me that would really hurt me anymore. But, I told him to NEVER speak that way in front of the children again. His response??
"So, you are saying that I am not allowed to express myself? We want to teach our children to hold their feelings in and not be allowed to say what they think?"
So, apparently, he feels that he was teaching his children a healthy way to express yourself....get everything off your chest. Say whatever you feel, whether it is true or not....whether it is hurtful or not. Now, I am not lazy, I am very close with my family, I am a very good mother, and usually always put myself last. He said those things not because he believes them (he doesn't) but because he wanted to be an a##hole and try to pi## me off. I want my children to feel free to express their feelings, of course. But certainly not at the expense of other people's feelings.
Anyone have any advice here? Shall I just let this go? Is there anything I can say about this that would possibly make sense to my "R"AH? (I doubt it).
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
yep ASK the kids to leave the room with YOU...and no one engages into HIS TEMPER TANTRUMS....as he starts and look at the kids and say "daddy is having temper tantrum. lets get out of his way..."
seems cut and dry to me....then no one needs to hear his HEALTHY EXPRESSIONs...*giggles, now that makes me laugh*
seems cut and dry to me....then no one needs to hear his HEALTHY EXPRESSIONs...*giggles, now that makes me laugh*
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Expressing yourself and abusing someone else are two different things. Your children are learning that verbal abuse is acceptable, to me, this is not good.
I agree w/FourMaggie take the children and go to another room or go outside.
I agree w/FourMaggie take the children and go to another room or go outside.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
He's manipulating and gas-lighting. Set a boundary. Enforce it. Or get used to the abuse and stay until you die or he does.
What he's teaching the kids is how to treat you and other women like you. They aren't learning to express themselves from him, they're learning how to be disrespectful, righteous assholes.
Cyranoak
What he's teaching the kids is how to treat you and other women like you. They aren't learning to express themselves from him, they're learning how to be disrespectful, righteous assholes.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Throwing my hat in the ring with everyone else. Not acceptable. I moved out because of scenes like you describe. I warned him if it continued I was leaving. It did. I left. That was not an influence I wanted around my kids, much less around me.
And I LOVE fourmaggie's idea. Take everyone with you next time, and on the way let the kids know this is not acceptable.
And I LOVE fourmaggie's idea. Take everyone with you next time, and on the way let the kids know this is not acceptable.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
I love Maggie's advice. TAKE the children with you and you ALL leave AH to his quacking and temper tantrum. That teaches your kids by EXAMPLE that this is unacceptable, inappropriate behavior and will not be tolerated nor condoned. It also leaves AH talking to himself. You engaging and trying to explain this to him will do nothing. May as well address the wall to your left.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
A few weeks ago, when I had to call 911 to get out of the house(AH wouldn't put 3yo down so I could bring him with, calling got him to put DS down) I wanted to leave because he had started ranting to me about his sex life(or lack thereof), and 8yo DS was sitting right next to him, well, that and he was just getting angrier and angrier and I'd had enough.
Anyway, a few days later, I told him I didn't ever want to hear him talking about sex in front of the children like that again. I then got "so, who's the controlling one now?" I just turned away and rolled my eyes.
Anyway, a few days later, I told him I didn't ever want to hear him talking about sex in front of the children like that again. I then got "so, who's the controlling one now?" I just turned away and rolled my eyes.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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I do like the idea of leaving....but in practice that isn't as easy as it sounds. I have four kids. I'm trying to picture me convincing them to all get up at the same time and leave with me. I can barely get them out of the house all at once under the best of circumstances, lol.
While they might do it once or twice, they would not be happy about quitting what they were doing and leaving the room. To be precise - they wouldn't be annoyed with *me*, not their dad. My ex would have likely done it more because this kind of dynamic (where he'd do things like put a movie in before bedtime or announce and outing during homework time, comfort them if I scolded them, negate any reasonable consequence, tell them they could skip bath after I insisted they needed one, etc.) was a major issue in my house.
I think it answers your question in the short term immediate future but I'd caution against considering it a long term solution if your house is anything like mine was.
My xah didn't really do that stuff in front of the kids until the very end when we were in the process of divorce already anyway.
I'm sorry for you and the kids. It was definitely one of the hardest times for my family.
While they might do it once or twice, they would not be happy about quitting what they were doing and leaving the room. To be precise - they wouldn't be annoyed with *me*, not their dad. My ex would have likely done it more because this kind of dynamic (where he'd do things like put a movie in before bedtime or announce and outing during homework time, comfort them if I scolded them, negate any reasonable consequence, tell them they could skip bath after I insisted they needed one, etc.) was a major issue in my house.
I think it answers your question in the short term immediate future but I'd caution against considering it a long term solution if your house is anything like mine was.
My xah didn't really do that stuff in front of the kids until the very end when we were in the process of divorce already anyway.
I'm sorry for you and the kids. It was definitely one of the hardest times for my family.
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I know I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to find solutions to each and every situation or crisis. I think it's our nature to try and solve this problem or that problem du jour rather that acknowledge the bigger problem and how to go about solving that.
Then, at some point, it all adds up. The pain of staying in the situation outweighs the fear of leaving. We reach the saturation point. It really doesn't matter much what you do when he rants, or what you do when he's disrespectful, because whatever you do, the problem is still in your life. You just haven't gotten to "enough" yet. When you do, you will make changes that change your overall situation, not just the problem of the day.
L
Then, at some point, it all adds up. The pain of staying in the situation outweighs the fear of leaving. We reach the saturation point. It really doesn't matter much what you do when he rants, or what you do when he's disrespectful, because whatever you do, the problem is still in your life. You just haven't gotten to "enough" yet. When you do, you will make changes that change your overall situation, not just the problem of the day.
L
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Talking to him about his behavior is probably gonna be a waste of time.
However, I don't think you should let it go with your kids. Maybe you should take them aside and talk to them about how it is really unfair that they had to see that, and although Daddy was acting like a tempermental 2 year old that in general society that is neither accepted or allowable. And you certainly don't want to see them doing that.
I don't know how old your kids are so I don't know how well a "Daddy is sick" type of conversation would go. But I do think you need to make a point that just because he does stuff like that, that you aren't going to let them do it.
However, I don't think you should let it go with your kids. Maybe you should take them aside and talk to them about how it is really unfair that they had to see that, and although Daddy was acting like a tempermental 2 year old that in general society that is neither accepted or allowable. And you certainly don't want to see them doing that.
I don't know how old your kids are so I don't know how well a "Daddy is sick" type of conversation would go. But I do think you need to make a point that just because he does stuff like that, that you aren't going to let them do it.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
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Sillysquirrel - I realize that you and I are two different people, but what you just described is one of the biggest reasons I left my husband. AFTER I got out I realized that not only is it unacceptable to speak that way in front of the children, but it was just as unacceptable to speak to me that way PERIOD. No ifs ands or buts. I don't put up with that from ANYONE anymore.
What you have described is verbal and emotional abuse. Nobody should speak to another human being that way and especially not their wife who they should respect above all others.
What you have described is verbal and emotional abuse. Nobody should speak to another human being that way and especially not their wife who they should respect above all others.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I agree, no one deserves to be spoken to this way, in front of their children or not. His behavior is completely unacceptable. Nothing you say or do will change him, but what you do for yourself and your children can change everything.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
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Easier said then done?...mmm i dont think so...the kids need to learn about NOT ENGAGING....they need to practice this also....i think its a good time to start...maybe a code to the kids when he starts MOM can clap her hands and everyone goes to their own rooms...(dunno) but something has to be done...children have seen it..now they can have control on what to do about it...
just my 2 cents
just my 2 cents
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Originally Posted by tjp613 
sillysquirrel - i realize that you and i are two different people, but what you just described is one of the biggest reasons i left my husband. After i got out i realized that not only is it unacceptable to speak that way in front of the children, but it was just as unacceptable to speak to me that way period. No ifs ands or buts. I don't put up with that from anyone anymore.
What you have described is verbal and emotional abuse. Nobody should speak to another human being that way and especially not their wife who they should respect above all others.
What you have described is verbal and emotional abuse. Nobody should speak to another human being that way and especially not their wife who they should respect above all others.
Good idea.
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