theuncertainty

(warning: really long) I know it's completely irrational. Two things are probably not related.... But I'm having a hard time reeling myself back....

As suggested by my lawyer from the divorce, I had e-mailed XAH info on where DS will be in daycare this summer. Today, DS said he spent the day playing with XAH's GF's kids, but he didn't yesterday because they weren't there yesterday. That he didn't get to go outside and play at all. Me: Why? DS: Because it was raining. Me: Others were playing outside, though. DS: Yeah.

At the store/mall to pick up groceries before heading home, DS had a complete and utter break down, throwing a temper tantrum, calling me the meanest Mommy in the world and that he wished he had a different mommy, crying, screaming, punching planters, hitting, the whole 10 yards. All because a store he thought was at the mall closed/left. This is NOT DS's usual. Don't get me wrong, he's not perfect, and I'm fairly certain I'm not one of those moms who would, upon getting a call from the school about behavior problems, say there's no way DS could have done X, he's such a good boy. But DS is not the temper tantrum throwing kind. Pouting, anime eyes, stomping through the store if told no on a toy, climbing under the bed to cry when hurt, even throwing his favorite stuffed animal or punching his pillow (an acceptable mode of venting anger agreed upon by both DS and I), telling me that I need to take breath and time out, yes. But full out, screaming, hitting, yelling hateful stuff, no. Not even as a 'terrible 2'. I have never before had to leave a store because DS was screaming, carrying on. (Then again, what if my memory is as screwed up as XAH tells me it is about the abuse?)

I got him to calm down and sit on a bench and he was fine until I sat down next to him to talk and the screaming and yelling and hitting started again. We left. Or more accurately, I told him we were done, that was not acceptable, the options given a few minutes earlier were off the table, and we were leaving and walked towards the door. He sat on the bench and screamed at me the whole way until I got to the entrance and told him again we were leaving and started a countdown. Then he ran to the door and started in again, whereupon I walked to the edge of the sidewalk. Repeat several times until he finally got in the car.

So, here's the panic part:

• I had found the therapist for DS after talking with CPS and abuse services because of incidents that suggest a very specific type of abuse, possibly by some one in XAH's household or circle of friends. As terrible as it sounds, I cannot rule out either of the kids as the source, because of the type of incidents.
• Having DS with her kids every day, 10+ hours a day.
• Having the possibility of running into XAH's GF, or worse, XAH, at drop off or pick up at daycare on a frickin' daily basis, even if every other week.
• Having a fear of showing up to pick up DS and finding him gone.

My first thought when DS told me who he played with at daycare was "I don't I ca handle this! F- this. I'll eat the cost for the month and yank DS outta there!" All while having to smile and tell DS, "Wow! Isn't it great that you know some one there?!"

Irrational panics? Possibly. Borrowing trouble that won't ever happen? Maybe. Am I just freaking out because of the abuse I suffered under XAH's hands? I feel like a paranoid freak job. Summer daycare options are limited, and this one is close to both of our houses. So I should have foreseen the possibility of her kids being at the same place.

Why did DS freak out like that? Complete personality change just because he might have been tired and this daycare is new?

I can't afford to eat that cost and then pay for a month somewhere else.

I had informed the daycare upon enrollment what the custody and visitation orders are; I gave copies of the decree; I noted both XAH and GF as Not Allowed to Pick Up DS. All before I knew they'd be there. I'll be forwarding the info to DS's counsellor so we can both check in with DS about it. I'm going to talk with DS about it tomorrow any way, and will be telling him that he can talk to his daycare providers, just like he could talk to his Kindergarten teacher, if some one is being a bully to him or another kid, and reminding him about the other safety stuff we've talked about.

It feels like that's all I can do right now. If there's an option I'm not thinking of, please feel free to let me know.

As always, guys and gals, thank you for letting me vent here. I feel a little better already.

TakingCharge999

Paranoid freak is a good description of myself. I freak out when I see blue cars like XABF's. I see women and think they resemble XABF GF's. Sheesh. But at least the feeling passes more quickly now. Also after 2 years I run into XABF and sometimes both of them often (small city). Its not the end of the world. Sometimes I even feel gratitude I am no longer anyone's doormat. Sometimes I don't give a damn at all. Don't worry about this. If anything it will make you stronger.

You might also make arrangements to lessen the chance you'll run into them.

The only practical advice I got for you is, if you might run into XAH and/or the GF, wear dark glasses. Hopefully its kind of sunny where you live? I use them to avoid eye contact and it does help. Sometimes even earplugs or iPod. I learned these tricks from XABF.

I got no experience nor wisdom but I send you hugs and wish all the best for you. You are a warrior theuncertainty and have gone through so much. I hope you get a break soon. You are very very special.

tjp613

Does DS generally not get along with her kids? Kids are kids and it seems odd that he would have any real problem getting along with them -- so that's kind of wierd.

Did you talk to the caregivers at daycare to explain the situation and ask them to keep an eye on their interactions-- could they report back to you and let you know how they are relating?

Is he new to the whole daycare thing? Is that possibly the problem rather than "her kids" being there?

Bless your heart. That is so tough

GettingBy

I don't know how old your son is... but my daughter is 5 and is doing almost identical things. And so is our neighbors 5yo. I Googled it and talked to her school and all said it was somewhat normal at her age. They described it as an internal struggle as they develop emotionally but havent developed the communication skills to let feelings out.

I've learned that the best response is to sit with her and acknowledge her feelings. "Boy that store being closed and gone is really a bummer. I can understand why you are sad and disappointed." Helping then identify the feeling and putting a name to it... and then letting them know that its okay to feel that, and feelings come and go.

And the whole meanest mommy thing, well that sucks to hear, I know... but its because they want what they want, and like alcoholics, getting mad at what ever seemingly stands in their way.

Don't take it personally.... you're a great mommy!

lillamy

Find a new daycare place, then negotiate with the one you're at. Given that you gave them copies of everything and that GF is specifically listed as "not to pick up DS" the place should have alerted you when AXH and GF put her kids in there. In my book. I'd use that as an argument to get out of paying the rest of the month if you pull him early.

Tuffgirl

Hhhmmm...having raised two girls...I don't really know what it is like to raise a boy. But I do know my younger had regular meltdowns at approximately 5-7pm every night. Tuesday nights were the worst. Knowing her personality, I figured it was blowing off steam of the change in the week vs weekend, change is sleeping patterns (getting up earlier for 5 days) and just general change and having to "behave" for a certain number of hours.

I figured her meltdowns were normal and would pass. Sure enough, they have morphed into teenage behaviors instead of the knock down drag out tantrums. Now, when she gets home from school, she sleeps for at least 2 hours and is wonderful the rest of the evening.

Not to minimize the impact of the "other kids" in the midst of his parent trauma...and this is a traumatic time for him, no doubt...I wonder if the issue is the other kids or if its him being a kid in his own way.

Anyway - just my humble experiences as a Mom.
Hang in there!
~T

LaPinturaBella

I agree with lillamy's advice.

Also, re:

"I had found the therapist for DS after talking with CPS and abuse services because of incidents that suggest a very specific type of abuse, possibly by some one in XAH's household or circle of friends. As terrible as it sounds, I cannot rule out either of the kids as the source, because of the type of incidents."

DS experienced abuse in his father's household??? Am I reading this correctly?

If so, father still gets visitation with GF as the intermediary???? Is your lawyer fully aware of this situation? This sounds very troublesome to me and may be adding more trauma. Just my concerned thoughts.

laurie6781

NO. I do not believe you are 'panicking' but are listening to your gut. Something is not right.

Definitely talk with DS's counselor about this. Talk with your attorney if need be, and talk with the day care. Something is not right with your DS and the GF's children and it put him in 'panic' mode. When young children feel 'panic' and/or anxiety, this is one of the ways they react.

I do believe you are on the 'right track' and under the circumstances are doing an OUTSTANDING job on getting through all the 'road blocks' you have encountered.

Some good thoughts and prayers heading your way.

Love and hugs,

lillamy

And I know how thinking of talking to the lawyers again feels about as attractive as chewing aluminum foil, but it might be necessary. Determine also if DS's counselor will testify in court. There are only a few therapists that will.

theuncertainty

Here's another book:

Still reading and processing. I think I get the panic feeling under control and it comes roaring back. I admit to just ignoring it while reading here at SR…

My psychiatrist also tells me I need to start taking steps to stop ignoring the panic and anxiety that dealing with XAH creates. He says those feelings will just get worse the more I do that. That I need to acknowledge and sit with the feelings sometimes. That I need to think about not having my sister and BIL handle the pick up and drop of times all the time. I don’t need to do it yet, but I need to start thinking about it. Because, XAH isn’t going any where and I will have to deal with him sometime for DS’s sake. (Sometimes I hate my psychiatrist.)


I still... I have a really hard time telling if I'm just panicking or if there's a real reason. I really want to be able to trust myself again. Especially when it comes to DS's safety and emotional well-being. I am so afraid that I'm letting my relationship with XAH color everything.

In addition to info about this, I've forwarded to his T the year-end report from DS's teacher also.

LaPinturaBella, I suspect abuse; I cannot prove anything and DS has not disclosed any. And the judge felt that XAH now has a ‘steady and appropriate relationship with GF’, so she is an appropriate visitation supervisor.

But DS has come home with experience/behavior and language that is older than his age of 6 years and far different from any language that has been used in our house - either when we lived with XAH or while we’ve lived on our own or with my sister. There are several other ‘symptoms’ that appear to point to that as well.

If you take any of them away, it just looks like DS dealing with the separation and divorce, maybe he is. But, those symptoms weren’t there when we were left alone for a year.

Of course, I didn’t acknowledge the abuse or r- until well after that. Is DS’s just a delayed reaction like mine was? Do kids also suffer from PTSD – a stage of numbing of emotions and then having them all come back? Or worse, am I messing up DS by dealing with my PTSD and issues with the marital abuse? The T would pick up on if any of that was happening though, right? She’d tell me, wouldn’t she? So many things to talk with her about at the next appointment.

Any way, after a very weird and unsettling incident with DS, I called an advocacy group and CPS; per their procedures, CPS relayed the info to the Police and back to the advocacy program for children. The police said there wasn’t enough to go on and referred me to the advocacy program and relayed that to CPS. CPS wouldn’t investigate based on the police review, but opened a file. DS had an appointment with the advocacy center before the police reviewed so their referral was a bit behind the ball, but DS didn’t disclose anything and didn’t have any physical evidence of the abuse (this was about a month after the call). He hasn’t disclosed anything to his T, but she tells me that that sometimes, we just don’t know for a while and to keep a look out for the signs.

Lillamy, no. She won’t testify. One of the reasons that XAH agreed to allow DS to see a T was that she (and the others I spoke to) required both XAH and I to sign forms stating it was OK for DS to see her and that we agreed to not use her for testimony in a custody dispute. She’s a mandatory reporter, but would rely on CPS to present any testimony.

GettingBy – a series of books that I’ve found really helpful are the “Your x-Year Old” by Louise Bates Ames. So far I’ve read the Your 5-Year Old: Sunny and Serene, Your 6-Year Old: Loving and Defiant, and have recently found Your 7-Year Old: Live in a Minor Key in a used book store.

I’ve also purchased Lundy Bancroft’s book “When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse”. And I’m talking about this with my T…

TC – Great tip on the sunglasses. GF seems to think bad of me whether I make eye contact with her or if I don’t; XAH tries to stare me down if I so much as glance in his direction, so, perfect solution. The last pair I bought were in high school (they’re back in style ), were expensive at the time (summer job-all I had to pay for was on my little beat up car – insurance, gas, wiper blades and anything I wanted to make look or run better, and I was pretty content with it the way it was as long as it ran …). They’re a bit scratched and lopsided from being sat on now, so I think a new pair is in order. DS and I were at the grocery store last night and looking at them; I believe I’ll be buying a pair of dark glasses for me and some fun ones for DS.

I know DS will act out with me because I’m safe to do that with. I can just imagine what XAH’s reaction would be if DS did anything like the mall-thing with him. The thought scares me to death, so I’m kind of glad he does it with me, you know?

TuffGirl – It’s kind of funny that your DD comes home and sleeps for a few, reminds me of my sophomore year. My best friend and I would head to one our houses, ‘bounce off the walls’ as our mom’s called it while doing our homework and eating a huge snack and then crash until dinner. Mom still wonders how we were able to write English essays without really sitting down, much less still.

Thank you, Laurie.

Gelato soon, Lillamy?

passionfruit

When my children were young I went through this sort of h*ll for a couple of years.

I, then, decided I am NOT doing this anymore. I took a job that transferred me 500 miles away.

Was the best decision I could have made at the time. It changed the dynamics of everything.

He didn't care enough to make the long trips to pick her up even once a year.

So you do have options.

Just gotta decide what you are willing to live with.

theuncertainty

Thanks, PassionFruit. Yeah, I *know*, even if I don't remember all the time, that I have options. I actually have a Pro and Con list going about moving out of state (which means moving - at a minimum - several thousand miles away). Problem with that list is I have to reel myself back in from the awfulizing on that too.

Dear HP, I really need guidance, a sign maybe? Meanwhile, I keep working on whatever; I do need to pick a direction soon, though.

Mitigating factors on letting DS stay at the current daycare through June, giving notice for July and putting him in the summer camp at his school for July, despite the cost:
The kids don't appear to ever be out of sight/sound of at least one staff member.

• I can talk with the daycare about if their staff can kind of monitor their interaction. There are field trips 2 times a week and so far her kids haven't been signed up to go. Even if they do, staff is supervising.
• My father is picking up DS once a week so they can garden and build stuff; he can come in slightly earlier than he has been during the school year.
• There's a standing order for a weekly play date with one of DS's friends from lunch time through the end of my work day.
• Another friend has also previously offered regular play dates with DS and her kiddos, so I could take her up on that.
• GF only has her kids every-other week, so there's a reduction in my chances of seeing them.

I feel completely out of my league and lost.

skippernlilg

As a single mom of a son and child advocate, I am reading your situation and nodding my head A LOT.

Your son, at his age, is exhibiting very normal, age-appropriate behaviors for a child who has felt out of control of his environment. Some tools that have helped children I know feel more in control, are:

Mealtimes: Choose A or B for breakfast or pick a night of the week the child gets to choose what's for dinner.

Clothing: Choose A or B to wear tomorrow

Toys: Choose A or B to play with first.

Directional: Which path to drive home? for view....? Choose A or B.

When children have the Power of Choice at this age, they feel more in control of their surroundings and more confident to help control their own emotions. A little practice with that (for all of us) goes a long way.

Also, you're right to watch for signs of abuse and to call for help if needed; however, your anxiety of things can also contribute to his feelings of being 'out of control'. It's important for us as parents to try to model the behavior we'd like to see in our children. (not always possible, but a worthy goal!! )

LaPinturaBella

Uncertainty...Thanks for the clarification that the abuse is only suspected at this point. I guess you can only keep a watchful eye out and more will be revealed as they say. Personally, I am praying he is not being abused and or bullied, and that he is just frustrated because he feels out of control. Sometimes it really stinks having to BE a kid!

Hugs to you both.

theuncertainty

Thanks, Skipper. Yep, those are all things DS gets to do. His favorite is the directional choice: do we go past this one school or the 'long way'? On Mommy-DS days out do we go to Restaurant A or B? Do we skip through the park and see the geese and ducks or go to the library and pick out books first?