onathread

I have been so depressed the last few days I can barely function. I can't get out of the rut of not wanting to be in the situation I'm in. How can I look to the future and not fear living the past over and over?

I think I probably need to see a doctor and get on some medication to help me, but I'm afraid to do it. I'm also resentful at AH for handling his problems with alcohol, and now that he's not currently drinking (sober about a month), I'm resentful that his doctor has him on meds to help him with depression and I'm "stuck" by myself having to deal with reality. He doesn't seem bothered by our financial issues, or problems our kids are having, or for that matter, how out of sorts I am. Someone around here has to care.... which is a reason I don't get medication for myself. And on some level, I am thinking I'm not going to stoop to his methods of coping by becoming medicated. The flip side is that I'm probably doing myself a lot of harm by living with this constant stress.

I'm not even sure this really makes sense.

I remember a time in my life when I didn't feel so weighed down by everything and just had joy. I feel like it's impossible to get there again. I just can't seem to adopt a proactive attitude.

Any advice?

sandrawg

I think it's impossible to NOT be depressed when you're with an active alcoholic.

I am NOT a believer in psych meds, but I have had bad experiences with them. I know a friend on Paxil who cannot get off of it to save her life, even tho she wants to. On the other hand, I know people who claim they've been helped a lot by them.

I honestly don't see how an anti-depressant is going to help you, when your problem is situational. It's not a brain disorder...you're with an alcoholic! Life with an alcoholic is stressful, frustrating, painful, and often traumatic. The only solution IMO is either a) work a program vigorously and go to dface to face al-anon meetings or b) GET OUT.

I personally had to do both and I STILL have lingering depression, although my life is SO MUCH BETTER now that I got off that nutso roller coaster. I cannot stress enough how much better it is being out of that craziness. But..hey, you need to hit your own bottom. Mine was hearing my exabf put a gun in his mouth and threaten suicide over the phone.

I had to have my phone smashed, a hole put in my wall, and lots of verbal abuse before I was finally ready to leave. 4 yrs I wasted.

Tuffgirl

We aren't supposed to give "medical advice" on this forum...so I will ask the question instead...Why are you afraid to talk to a health care provider about your symptoms of depression? It may be something else...nutritional, sleep deprivation, thyroid, you never know until you seek the care you need.

onathread

I guess it wouldn't hurt anything to have a physical. I'm afraid because I don't want to be dependent on something to help me cope with life's pressures. I guess I'm thinking that it's admitting defeat or bringing me to AH's level in a sense. I'm not saying that this line of thinking isn't flawed. IDK. I'm resentful that he is taking meds now, but he does seem to be doing better on them, so I guess I should be glad.

wanttobehealthy

I saw something on here I believe yesterday saying that after living with an A, we become so good at and feel we must problem solve and deal with everything ourselves that it makes it very hard for us to realize it's fine, normal and necessary to ask for help. That struck me and made a lot of sense.

There's also the element (not sure if it's true for you too) of my AH having told me for years I am mentally ill, I am the crazy one, it's all in my head etc... So I was hesitant for a long time to go to T, to see my doctor etc... bc I was afraid he was right. Turned out that my worries were worse than reality.

The fear you describe is what keeps us trapped. Alcoholism is a very isolating disease for US bc the alcoholic needs to isolate us and make us believe their delusions in order to continue to justify their behavior....

dancingnow

Over a year ago I felt the same way and was very resentful at my AH who was going to counseling and on meds and seemed to be enjoying his sobriety without me in his life.

I had a lot of anger, frustration and disappointment that made me feel depressed a lot of the time.

I sought therapy and made it clear that I did not believe in taking medication to resolve my issues. The therapy helped me a lot and at one point I started to feel good and there were times when my therapist would point out to me how AH affected me.

She also told me that I could feel better than just good, I could feel great with some medication. She tried to convince me that waking up in the middle of the night with stress at times was a reason for medication. I didn't agree so I continued therapy without medication.

It's taken me over a year to get out of my depression and I still get down at times but when I come out of it, I often feel great and I don't take medication.

Alanon and spiritual reading also help and not living with my AH who has since slipped from recovery helped me get to a more stable place. We are interacting more as he seems to be seeking recovery and I am better able to do this since I have learned from alanon and another therapist how to establish and maintain my boundaries.

Whether I choose to live with my AH or not I believe the alcohol has affected me in many ways, in addition to issues I may have already have. It is a long slow process to recovery.

stepsforward

You need to take care of yourself. I have found that Alanon, Anger Managment classes, Yoga and Zumba have saved me the last eight months. I wish I would have started taking care of myself years ago. YOU come first!!!!

Tuffgirl

onathread, when i started actually telling my primary care provider what was going on in my life is when I was able to start seeking all kinds of resources for myself. To hell with what the A is doing or not doing...I needed to find a way to dig myself out of the hole I had sunk into. I chose medications, but only a mild form and combine it with exercise, Al-Anon, support from friends and family, and private counseling with an addictions specialist who works with families, too.

DOn't be afraid to seek your own help...that's the point of places such as this...to remind us of US! We are more important than our alcoholic spouses/parents/kids. Think of why the airlines tells us to put our oxygen masks on first. It's the same premise here - you are the only one who can take care of you.

A year later, and a separation from the now RAH, and I am finally starting to feel a little more "normal". It takes time, but it is very doable.

Hang in there. Luckily, this too shall pass.
~T

Thumper

Mostly I just keep putting one foot in front of the other but I'm nut sure that is a great plan.

You may have to deal with reality but you do not have to be stuck all by yourself. Find your own recovery. Al-anon, a physical with your doctor, an addictions counselor -- all these things are available to you. You don't have to do it alone but you do have to take steps to make this stuff happen.


I really do understand this. I posted a thread on this topic myself a few weeks ago. I do feel better today.

You don't have to be anything. It is what it is. I think that if you focus more on how to help yourself and forget about him - that things will begin to balance out a little bit. I know it is hard. Seeing our A's make gains and we are still standing there is rough. The thing is, they can't help us get better any more then we could have helped them. It is a job only we can do.

Seren

I've been through 2 bouts of depression and courses of Zoloft treatment in the past....funny as I think about it now, both periods were while I was married to my xH!

I see nothing wrong with using a variety of methods, including medication, to get through periods of depression.

These days, I can tell when what I need is rest, improvements in my diet, and exercise. These three things can make a world of difference for me!

Hugs, HG

kelsh

I have been in Recovery for Alcoholism for 22 years & also have Chronic Depression which has turned into Bipolar 1 at the age of 70. :day6

I do take the meds and am now more stable in my life than I have ever been. I am limited in activities of daily living by Arthritis & Fibromyalgia so still do have days here & there of depression but am able to work out of them myself. If I have something affecting me from outside my daily life, I do see a counselor.

I see my gp every three months unless there is a need before that. You are the one that needs to decide to see your doc. Your husband seems to be doing what he needs to do & my meds for depression do not make me less interested in my marriage or family so maybe some of the old alcohol thoughts & behaviors are still with your husband.

Best of Luck,

kelsh

franie

Hi. I am the A in my relationship. I also suffer from depression. If you need help get it. I did and I truly think that it contributed to my decision not to drink. Don't worry about what others are doing, or what others may think. Just do what is best for you. If you are depressed you need to get the help you deserve. Life is too short not to. My thoughts are with you

lillamy

Someone there also has to function. Which is why you might want to consider it.
I don't know that there there are medications (at least not legal ones) that make you stop caring. I do know that for people with chemical imbalances, medications can be helpful and lifesaving, whether you're talking about diabetes or depression.

onathread

All of you have been very helpful and insightful. I really appreciate it.

I have a prescription for Xanax that my Dr. gave me awhile back, never took any of them, but I did have it filled. I think I will make an appt again and just go over everything I'm struggling with and get some input. I'm at a brick wall with this and I need some help. I do need to try and get better for me.... it's so easy to get all caught up in what my other family members are doing/not doing and how it's messing everything up.

lillamy, your comment about someone needing to function hits home.... I am so depressed, it is very difficult to accomplish anything at all.

Thanks guys. Hugs to you all.

lillamy

I once saw a doctor who used this metaphor: He said antidepressants are like a tow truck. When you've ended up in the ditch, they can pull you out of the ditch.
But that's all they do.
Pull you out.

They don't fix the dents you got when you went in the ditch.
They don't fix what was wrong that landed you in the ditch in the first place.
They don't get you started on the road to where you're going after they pull you out.

They're just a tow truck. You still have to do the work, you can just do it on the road instead of in the ditch.

I kind of liked that metaphor.

bookwyrm

I love that tow truck comparision!!

I take anti-depessants. Without them I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed in the morning, let alone do everything I needed to do to sell the house and get away from XAH. My depression crippled me and the meds helped lift it enough for me to function.

Why do you view them so negatively? They are just another tool to help you get better - like an antibiotic would help you with an infection. Depression isn't a sign of weakness/failure, it's just another sign of the inhuman pressures in your life that you're trying to deal with. Counselling in conjunction with the meds helped me enormously - it could help you too.

TakingCharge999

I thought I was depressed.

Then

I discarded toxic people in my life,
I started taking vitamins.
I am doing exercise
I choose better what I eat.
I share more with my loved ones
I work on my spiritual side
I invest in my creativity
I feel gratitude and contentment more often

I had no energy to do ANY of these things with the ex alcoholic. I was a ghost and felt ill.

Turns out I was absorbing his toxicity, I, alone, can be pretty healthy, in and out. But I had to be alone first to start feeling myself, getting in touch with myself again.

I agree with the other posts / I don't know if anyone can NOT be depressed when their partner is an addict. Unless the person is an addict and a masochist, then I believe he or she could be pretty happy.

Just my personal opinion. If you feel bad, talk to your doc, go to Alanon, go to therapy. Talk to professionals that can accurately evaluate your physical and mental health...

All the best.

onathread

My AH's sister actually died a little over a year ago from addiction, at the age of 38. Most of his family members are on anti-depressants; I often feel like they have an "oh well" attitude about things that shouldn't be taken lightly. I think because of all that has happened in his family, and now with him, I feel very reluctant to start any regimen of mind or mood altering meds myself. At the same time, I am getting to a point that I am having trouble functioning because I am so depressed. I have to do something to make a change.

I know there are probably many F&F on SR that are taking anti-depressants and that's why I posted.... I wanted an insider's opinion who is in my shoes. I have read enough about depression to know that if I visit a doctor, I am going to be diagnosed and put on meds.

TakingCharge999

Maybe look for a therapist experienced in addiction and codependency first? he or she will know if its needed to send you to the psychiatrist. But its important that the therapist has experience in the addiction field. Has made all the difference for me. And I also took Lexapro for months. It numbed me enough to function for a while, like the analogy posted above...

Perhaps give normal therapy a shot. You'll feel better just giving yourself some time for YOU and your wellbeing. After the first talk they normally explain a course of action. This worked for me. Also, what about walking round the block? free way to clear your mind, breathe, and generate endorphins. Exercise has been key and now that I do exercise almost daily, the day I don't or can't, I feel totally down, sad, unmotivated, etc. and it has convinced me how much good it does to my body and mind.

theuncertainty

Looking for help for ourselves can be so hard. The first counsellor I went to was to learn to communicate with XAH. She'd suggest Al-Anon, talk about addictions for a little bit then she kept changing the subject back to me and how I felt. I was so PO'd and confused. I didn't know how I felt! Why would she ask that? It wasn't relevant. I wasn't relevant. It took quite a while before I realized I needed help.

I didn't even think of talking with my GP (I really, really need to re-empanel to a different primary caregiver. I very much dislike the Dr. who is my current GP; I've had more in-depth health questions asked by my dentist during a routine dental check-up than by her, but I digress.) But if you have a good report with your GP, they're a great place to start and they can point you to other resources available that might help.

(Lillamy - I love the tow-truck analogy!)

It's taking me a long time to realize that taking care of myself is a very important part of taking care of my family.

Sending my best wishes and hugs. Take care!