Welcome to try #7004
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: BoulderCo
Posts: 111
Welcome to try #7004
*sorry this is insanely too long didn't read, don't feel bad if you just skim everything, my crazy babble is hard to make sense out of. I really appreciate anyone who makes the attempt to make sense out of my insane mind. But don't feel obligated. Just posting this helps me right now because I'm not keeping everything inside*
I feel like all my posts here are promises about how today is the day I will change. Then I participate with everyone here and I do great for a few weeks or so and then I isolate and my world goes back to ****.
I'm pretty easy to describe, I'm a bulimic, sex addict with horrible substance abuse problems. Until about a year ago I was severely addicted to crystal, Adderall and Ritalin. But I had this dumb idea that because I wasn't a heavy drinker, and because honestly I've never liked alcohol or being drunk I could get away with drinking while I was getting clean off crystal. Yeah big mistake. I went from puking after one bottle of beer to drinking 3 taco bell cups full of cheap wine a day. But until a a few weeks ago if someone asked me if I was clean and sober. I would say yes because wine isn't crystal.
I've started going to groups and trying to reach out and get help but it's doing my head in. I have this complex of having to prove that I'm sick enough for help. I have to be the sickest person in my group. I have to be the best crystal addict, I have to be the skinniest and I have to be the most out of control. I'm good at crazy so I want to be the best crazy I can be. But now that I'm older I'm learning that this is not a competition anyone wants to win. I want more out of my life.
I want to look in the mirror and see someone who hasn't lived off of Stoli and Adderall for 6 months. I want to be something more than just the sickest little girl in the world.
My avatar is pretty special to me to. There's this time of day when I've been up and high for days on end. Then I start to break down and I'm tired and cranky and it feels like the world is about to end. But without fail the sun always rises and things start to feel better.
Sorry for the rambling. I just really need someone to talk to about all of this. I want someone to know me as something other than crazy and sick. I don't want to be the girl whose collapsed on the ground crying in front of everyone, then she gets carried away still crying and saying she's worthless. I want to have that same feeling that the sunrise gives me, that everything is ok.
I feel like all my posts here are promises about how today is the day I will change. Then I participate with everyone here and I do great for a few weeks or so and then I isolate and my world goes back to ****.
I'm pretty easy to describe, I'm a bulimic, sex addict with horrible substance abuse problems. Until about a year ago I was severely addicted to crystal, Adderall and Ritalin. But I had this dumb idea that because I wasn't a heavy drinker, and because honestly I've never liked alcohol or being drunk I could get away with drinking while I was getting clean off crystal. Yeah big mistake. I went from puking after one bottle of beer to drinking 3 taco bell cups full of cheap wine a day. But until a a few weeks ago if someone asked me if I was clean and sober. I would say yes because wine isn't crystal.
I've started going to groups and trying to reach out and get help but it's doing my head in. I have this complex of having to prove that I'm sick enough for help. I have to be the sickest person in my group. I have to be the best crystal addict, I have to be the skinniest and I have to be the most out of control. I'm good at crazy so I want to be the best crazy I can be. But now that I'm older I'm learning that this is not a competition anyone wants to win. I want more out of my life.
I want to look in the mirror and see someone who hasn't lived off of Stoli and Adderall for 6 months. I want to be something more than just the sickest little girl in the world.
My avatar is pretty special to me to. There's this time of day when I've been up and high for days on end. Then I start to break down and I'm tired and cranky and it feels like the world is about to end. But without fail the sun always rises and things start to feel better.
Sorry for the rambling. I just really need someone to talk to about all of this. I want someone to know me as something other than crazy and sick. I don't want to be the girl whose collapsed on the ground crying in front of everyone, then she gets carried away still crying and saying she's worthless. I want to have that same feeling that the sunrise gives me, that everything is ok.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Welcome back Cherry 
I was pretty off the wall when I lobbed here in 2007 - I'd been drinking and drugging for so long I would have argued that down was up.
The support I got here helped me to stay sober, and staying sober helped me to regain some focus and perspective...and I began to leave the crazy behind.
It's not easy, it's not always pretty and it's not glamorous to get sober and stay that way - but I like who I am now, and I love my life...
It's definitely all worth it
D
I was pretty off the wall when I lobbed here in 2007 - I'd been drinking and drugging for so long I would have argued that down was up.
The support I got here helped me to stay sober, and staying sober helped me to regain some focus and perspective...and I began to leave the crazy behind.
It's not easy, it's not always pretty and it's not glamorous to get sober and stay that way - but I like who I am now, and I love my life...
It's definitely all worth it
D
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Mountains of W.N.C.
Posts: 198
Originally Posted by CherryD 
Then I start to break down and I'm tired and cranky and it feels like the world is about to end. But without fail the sun always rises and things start to feel better.
Only on day 19 of my sobriety, but it didn't take long to realize that even sober people have crappy days & that the booze didn't & isn't going do anything to improve those days for me.
Might sound silly, but knowing there's a chance that tomorrow is going to be a better day is what keeps me going.
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Hi CherryD -- good to see you here.
Speaking to a counselor helped me understand why the crazy vicious cycle of self-sabotage continued. Like you, I couldn't understand why on earth I would treat myself so horribly, but my counselor was able to explain that there was in fact logic to it and my healthy half just needed to get the upper hand. I can explain more if you ever want to PM me.
Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.
Speaking to a counselor helped me understand why the crazy vicious cycle of self-sabotage continued. Like you, I couldn't understand why on earth I would treat myself so horribly, but my counselor was able to explain that there was in fact logic to it and my healthy half just needed to get the upper hand. I can explain more if you ever want to PM me.
Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Wow..you sound like me 5 years ago. I had stopped drinking...but was living on coffee and diet pills for months after. I wore wigs because most of my hair fell out. Skinny...strange thing though..I thought I looked so pretty. I eventually crashed and lost all. The Solution stepped right in front of me...connecting to a Higher Power, come to SR, get back into AA, take the steps of recovery, (in that order) and begin, slowly....to make things right with others. The feelings of worthlessness began to fade, and eventually disappear. It is doable, Cherry...welcome back. Don't give up.
You have my prayers!
Sherry
You have my prayers!
Sherry
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Cherry))) - welcome back!! I understand the self-esteem issues, the wanting to be the "best" in even the worst of things (like I wanted to be the best crack addict). SR has been a huge help to me in working through a lot of this. I have a little over 4 years in recovery, still struggle, to some extent with the perfectionist thing (mainly in school, which I've recently gone back to), the self esteem, but it is SO much better than it used to be, and like ((Dee)) I love my life.
Life has it's ups and downs, no way around that. I know that even my worst days, are far better than when I was using, and SR and the friends I've made here have a lot to do with that. There's all kinds of help available..here, meetings, counseling, etc. We just have to want it as if our life depends on it because it really does.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Life has it's ups and downs, no way around that. I know that even my worst days, are far better than when I was using, and SR and the friends I've made here have a lot to do with that. There's all kinds of help available..here, meetings, counseling, etc. We just have to want it as if our life depends on it because it really does.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: toronto canada
Posts: 181
nobody is the best or worst in anything.
we all have different attributes ,so how can you measure a persons worth?
it is pointless ..
we are all somewhere in between ..neither top or bottom..
god loves us all equally..it is only ego that tells us otherwise..
be kind to yourself amd learn to love you..
you are the most important person in your life/remember that.
we all have different attributes ,so how can you measure a persons worth?
it is pointless ..
we are all somewhere in between ..neither top or bottom..
god loves us all equally..it is only ego that tells us otherwise..
be kind to yourself amd learn to love you..
you are the most important person in your life/remember that.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Originally Posted by ulverston
nobody is the best or worst in anything.
we all have different attributes ,so how can you measure a persons worth?
it is pointless ..
we are all somewhere in between ..neither top or bottom..
god loves us all equally..it is only ego that tells us otherwise..
be kind to yourself amd learn to love you..
you are the most important person in your life/remember that.
we all have different attributes ,so how can you measure a persons worth?
it is pointless ..
we are all somewhere in between ..neither top or bottom..
god loves us all equally..it is only ego that tells us otherwise..
be kind to yourself amd learn to love you..
you are the most important person in your life/remember that.
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