Humiliated

I am almost 30 years old and looking back on my life I have endless stories of drinking too much. I know that as a youngster everyone has some stories, but I am an adult now with 2 kids, and I keep racking up the stories. So, I have told my husband that I really don't think I am the kind of person who should drink, and I bring up all the stories. But, he seems to really not want to accept the idea that I can't seem to control myself. I do good for a long time and then all it takes is that one night of the drinks going down a little too smooth and next thing I know I am wasted and can't remember what idiotic things I did. He keeps saying I am over reacting and that I am not an "alcoholic". I told him that I realize I am not a raging alcoholic that drinks daily, but that once I start drinking I don't know the meaning of moderation. I tried to explain to him that it's the worst feeling ever to have no intentions of getting wasted and then it's like something takes over. I don't expect him not to drink, but he seems was saying last night, well what about the concerts we are planning to go to this summer? He very rarely drinks and in the 10 years we have been together I have seen him drunk 4 times, so he doesn't have the same issues as me. I am going to just keep on with the sobriety and if he is not ready to accept it, than maybe in time he will. I guess I wouldn't want to accept that I was married to someone who couldn't control their drinking either. Any advice? Just take it slow? I know he loves me. He has always joked around that I am a "drinker", but it's really not funny to me anymore.

1undone

It's hard when your spouse isn't on the "same page." But sometimes it takes getting older and more mature to get there. He may think, oh she's still really young and she's just blowing off steam...

But if you are uncomfortable with your drinking then that's what matters. You have to look at yourself in the mirror each day and love yourself.

I'm no pro at the sobriety thing. I'm only 19 days into this. I do know how bad it can get though and like you I have so many ugly memories of stupid irresponsible behavior due to drinking. I can't believe how many! So hang in there and I know you are going to get some great thoughts from people here!

Dee74

I think it's very hard for someone who's not an alcoholic to understand. Normal folks can have one or two and then stop...and never even give that decision another thought.

I also think it's hard sometimes for loved ones to accept we have this problem. Alcoholism is always something that happens to other people....

I wasn't in a relationship when I quit but I know my family and a few of my friends thought I was overreacting too.

Whether they couldn't see or didn't want to see I don't know, but they all saw the very real and positive changes sobriety brought about in me, and they all came around to supporting my decision.

I hope your husband will too

Hevyn

It takes alot of courage to come to the conclusion you have. When I was young I never wanted the party to end, and it almost destroyed me. Please don't second-guess yourself - you're doing the right thing. When I was 30 I would never have acknowledged my alcoholism - I just kept trying to control it. That led me down a terrifying path filled with destruction. As you've probably heard, it's a progressive disease. I never thought I'd be a daily drinker either, but in my 50's that's exactly what I'd become.

Your husband is probably afraid your lives will change & it scares him a little. Once he sees how much better you feel, he'll be glad you made the change. I think it's great you want a better life for yourself and your family. Let us know how you're doing.

Missy7

I share your problem. Despite the fact that I drink to blackout almost every time I drink, he is convinced that it is not a problem. I know that we are really talking about him being able to continue partying--which is reasonable because he can control it.

But it makes it difficult and you will need to be very strong.

2L8

I'm in the same situation. I drink, can't control myself, blackout, then do things that I wouldn't ever imagine I would do. Time after time I would say I was going to stop drinking or at least control how much I would drink. It never worked and I want to pack up and move out of town when I hear the stories of the things I did or said. I quit for a short while a few years back then went out with my wife one night and she talked me into having a beer so I could relax and enjoy the night. I wish I never would've started back up again.
After my last episode I'm not sure if my wife is going to end things or not. I'm hoping if she decides to stay and help me get through this that I'll have her full support. She doesn't seem to understand that I just can't control how much I drink and thinks what I do when I'm drunk is more of a mental issue with me. Everything we do outside of the house usually involves hanging out with friends/family and having a few drinks. I too don't expect her to stop drinking just because I am but hope she can be supportive if I choose not to attend a drinking event or if I do that she doesn't want me to have one to "relax".
Do it for you and I'm sure your husband will support you along the way. Best of luck to you!

EmeraldRose

Welcome Humiliated...go with your gut feeling. It is 99.9999999% right all of the time. If you think you have a problem then don't let anyone undermine your feelings.
If you show your husband you are serious, he will maybe not completely understand but will respect your decision and try to influence your decision. No one wants to admit to themselves that they are an alcoholic muchless admit their spouse they married is. It is a difficult situation.
But you have to do what you think is right for you.

I did...my husband and I separated last August. Althought my drinking didn't help, there were other issues...but I decided that I needed to do what was best for me...I have raised my four kids through a foggy haze of alcohol and when I went out into the big cruel world I lost my job because of it. Seeked help and am sober! Point is...even though I had to compromise and consider others' feelings I also had to do what I thought best for my soul. My life is working, things are falling into place, I follow my path with clarity.
You are you're own person...you have to listen to your heart.

Anna

I wasn't in the same situation you are in, but I applaud you for recognizing that your drinking is a problem. It's very hard for others to understand what alcoholism is, but we know how it takes hold and destroys.

CatFry

That is a tough situation. Will he support you decision either way? Maybe approaching it as "this makes me more comfortable" rather than saying alcoholic would help him for a while. Do you think you can go to these concerts and not drink?

Good luck!

Eddiebuckle

If you are an alcoholic, this will progress. I know in my late 20s / early 30s I would have never considered myself an alcoholic - definitely a drinker, maybe a heavy drinker, but certainly not an alcoholic. By 44, I couldn't deny any longer that I was an alcoholic.

You nailed the problem: "once I start drinking..." And ultimately the only way to guarantee that those consequences don't occur is to not drink. So try it on for an extended period, let your husband know that you're "on the wagon" and see how it goes.

The blessing/curse of alcoholism is that it never goes away - the lessons will pile up until whatever inconveniences, excuses, and obstacles to staying sober become easier to deal with than drinking. It sounds like you are getting close to that point, so what do you have to lose to do a trial run?

Humiliated

I definitely think I can go to the concerts and not drink, I think it will be more awkward for him. Amazingly, it seems that when I am out in a public place I manage to control my drinking, because I get paranoid that so many people are around and I keep my guard up. For me, it really seems to be when I am at home or with a small group of friends that I feel so comfortable I just keep drinking to the point of stupidity. But my fear is that I will do that away from the house and that something bad will happen...... Funny thing is he always jokes about all of my family being alcoholics, but I don't use that word with me (like you said, I think it's difficult for him to even consider). I did tell him that I took some online tests and they all say I am a "problem drinker" that will likely develop alcoholism. I thought that would be easier for him to understand. Am I technically an alcoholic? We both already know it's in my blood, from the rest of my family. And I seem to have problems when I drink, so even if I am not an "alcoholic" by definition, I probably will be if I don't make some decisions now. I remember watching my mom get wasted and I have a 7 year old and a 9 year old, I don't ever want them to see me like that! luckily they never have, and I want to keep it that way

reggiewayne

I think his issue might be change. Very few of us like it. Right now, he knows how you are, what to expect, etc... He might fear you sobering up might change your relationship in a negative way, so better to not find out what a new you might be.

I think it's actually natural for him to have these feelings (assuming I'm right - which I may not be)...

I say this because when I quit I was like you. My wife, friends, and family all thought I did NOT have a problem with alcohol. They just thought if I could drink a little less that would fix me. You know what? They would be right, if drinking less were actually an option. I couldn't drink less - no matter how hard I tired, I always got drunk.

80 percent of the time I was OK. I'd get drunk and nothing bad would happen. About 20 percent of the time I would get way too drunk, miss work, say something dumb on facebook, etc.. The problem was, I never knew when that 20 percent would creep up.

I've never met anyone who quit drinking, then went back to it only to find out they were making too big of a deal about their problem. My point, if you think you have a problem with booze, you probably do.

You're making the right choice!

MsCooterBrown

Yeah once you suspect you may have a problem..you already have the problem. I have to say that having a spouse drink when you are not is a big issue..it is a tough one. AND I also think that some people may think their spouse can control their drinking..when in fact they too have been drinking a long time and have built up a tolerance so it appears that they are not drunk..however..if they had to blow..they would register drunk as a skunk. That is the problem and maybe it just hits in late stages..towards the end for me sometimes I would get full blown drunk..then on another night drink the same amount and it felt like I drank myself sober. It just stops working at some point. And for me..that was the added perk. I got sick of trying to "manage" my drinking. And now I am at the start of my 8th month of sobriety. I hope you get support..it is tricky. In any event..I wish you well.

saphira

Humiliated,

We seem to be in such same situations that it's scary. I just turned 30 and I have the same sort of thing going on with my husband. I also have a 7 year old, and like you I never allowed myself to get drunk in public because I was so paranoid. I always drank alone or with close friends.

I can't speak for your husband, but I've done a lot of thinking recently about mine because I get very frustrated sometimes when he tells me that as long as I keep my drinking to the weekends I'll be fine. (I used to drink all week, but weeks ago narrowed it down to the weekends which is bad enough.) I used to let my husband know that I was going to have a drink or two and he would laugh and say, "Ok. Just don't go all Rockstar on me" in a joking way. I used to want to scream, and still do sometimes actually, about why he can't understand how HUGE this is to me...how much it affects everything about me. Then I have to remind myself that right now he sees me drinking on the weekends and to him that's normal. He doesn't know the inner-turmoil that goes on so often during the times I don't drink or what I go through every single Friday trying to convince myself not to drink when the addicted part of my brain tries to justify why I deserve a drink. All he sees is that I'm "fine" during the week and drink "like the rest of the world" on the weekends. I have tried numerous times to explain (probably in too much detail) what happens inside my head to him, but as supportive as he is, I don't think it's possible for him to understand since he doesn't have this problem. So I just need to realize that even if he never understands how huge this is for me, I need to be sober for me. I'll take his love and support gladly, but I've come to realize that the only person who needs to take this seriously is me.
I wish you luck in your sobriety!! IM me if you ever need or want to!

reggiewayne

For me, drinking alcohol is like having sex with a gorilla. We're not done, until IT say we're done.

Non alcoholics simply don't get that joke. That sums up my drinking to a T.

Just thought I'd share that with you guys...

Have a good night all!

mubu

Welcome! You should feel really good about your decision. It took me until 40 to finally admit that alcohol was a problem for me. I am only on Day 12, so like you I am just starting this journey.

My husband has reacted the same way. He still likes to have beer tonight, and he has said you don't have to quit, just cut down. However, I know me and cutting down will start out as one glass of wine, and end up as one too many by the end of the night.

You should definitely read and post on SR, it has been my lifeline in the evenings.

Antiderivative

You can try to explain it to him like an "ear bug"; a dumb song in your head that you can't get out for anything, unless you take another drink.

That may help explain away the confusion or it may not. He may be in denial and not want to face the fact that you have a drinking problem.

I am glad that you found of us and bests,

Humiliated

I don't know if I should be laughing...........but that is a great way of putting it! I did try to explain to my husband that alcohol turns me into a beast. I will try and drink a 300 lb man under the table and I weigh 120 lb. I was active duty military for 5 years and we "worked hard...played hard" everyday! So, it did become just a way of life and normalized it to a great extent, but eventually the party has to end right? My mom is a "big drinker" too and I grew up seeing it as normal to party. When I was younger it was a party topic, "she can drink more than any man in the room", maybe it was funny when I was 20, but as a grown woman with kids, not so much! Anyhow, I see how much pain and ruin alcohol can cause in people's lives and I just don't want to continue down that path. Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and feelings, I don't feel great right now, but I do feel better

grateful101010

You might think this is weird, but:

I will have 8 months of sobriety on June 10th.

I have not told this to anyone I know, including my husband of almost 24 years.

I just stopped drinking. He's never said a word to me about it, and I've never said a word to him about it. He's obviously noticed, and he still drinks (very modestly, as always.)

Sometimes, if we go out with friends, I offer to drive home so he can have more than one drink. When out to dinner, I simply order herbal tea or diet coke. If I'm offered wine, I say, no thanks. No one asks me why I'm not drinking.

You'd be surprised how little other people care about whether you drink or not, especially if you don't try to change their drinking habits.

reggiewayne

You absolutely should be laughing. I've laughed more since getting into recovery than I ever did when drinking. One of the promises of AA is "we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it". As we recover we find our past much easier to accept. We weren't "bad" people, we were just sick.

Best of luck to you - please excuse the spelling error in my joke - say = says..

Goodnight all!