February

AH told me today (Wed) he lost his waiter job Sunday. I wonder when or if he was going to tell me on his own- I asked a direct question about his job that necessitated him telling me he was fired. AH, if you have read my other posts, has 2 college degrees- one of them is a Masters. And he makes it 3 months as a waiter after being unemployed for 18 months. He was very sheepish in telling me the story. Apparently a well dressed couple tipped AH 15 cents at 2 am at the restaurant, and AH asked them if there had been a problem with the service. The man said no, that it was just that most restaurants he goes to have service included in the bill (where? like McDonald's? just weird). AH says he followed them to the door and told them not to come back again. I wonder how much more there is to the story, but take it at face value. He was fired for being rude to them. So he yet again lets me down, yet shows up with the kids today acting like nothing is wrong. But I was able to take it in stride. My assignment from my therapist last week was to repeat to myself "He is not going to change" whenever I come across situations like this, where I want to tell myself he is going to get better, that this is just another setback. It was very helpful in her office when she had me visualize my life going back to AH if he never gets any better than he is now. That horrified me! And of course there is no guarantee or even much evidence AH wants to do better than he is now- except in my own mind, hopes, and expectations.

wanttobehealthy

I'm sorry. Having the financial responsibility of the family, especially with kids, on you alone is awful. And as your gut tells you, I am sure there's more to the story. But your T and mine are right. Telling myself "he is who he is, don't expect anything else" is what my T says (similar to he's not going to change).

I really can relate to the showing up to be with the kids and acting like nothing is wrong. I struggle to not hate him in those moments. He's causing upheaval to his kids lives bc of his alcoholism but he shows up to be "fun Dad" when it suits him (and disappointing Dad at other times) and it's hard to stomach.

I hope your AH finds himself a new job asap. It's totally unfair that the burden of finances falls to you. I'm sorry.

barb dwyer

Feb - that sucks.

You know,
maybe making a 'plan' might give you the peace of mind
you need to keep going until you decide.

A plan of ... escape.

How much $$$ would it take to get your own place?
To get unentangled financially?
To get to a place where if you DO decide to leave
you can?

SOmetimes just the planning and focusing on the gathering of what's needed
is enough of a distraction to get through these hard places.

I am also completely convinced that
when we have the MEANS and a PLAN of exodus
we don't NEED them to come through with anything any more.

That's huge.

japabp2000

I'm so sorry that he lost his job. I am glad, however that you are seeing a therapist. I am the sole "bread winner" in mine and (newly) recovered AH's household, so I know how very hard it is, but I can not imagine how hard it would be if children were involved. I do want children some day, but am thankful that we don't have any at this point in our lives. I wish you nothing but the best. ((((Hugs))))

February

Thanks for posting. I actually AM gone from the household...physically. I moved out in Sep 09 and have never lived with AH since. But somehow I cannot let go. I definitely got sidetracked by the stalker thing (will update that thread shortly) for a looong time. There's only so much emotional energy I have, and the person who was more immediately dangerous to me was getting it! I think I am still afraid of upsetting and letting AH down, so I have not filed the divorce papers I have filled out. I am still holding on to that one last thread of hope he will someday change, i guess. I talked with my therapist also last time about this- she asked me who I thought would blame me if I would file for divorce (I had expressed some concern about what others would think). I could not come up with anyone except AH and possibly his parents- everyone in my family is fed up with the whole thing, and with me for hanging in this long. I guess to someone outside my brain holding on does not make sense. Therapist also asked me for evidence that AH has my best interests at heart. I came up with he does not send me nasty texts much anymore or yell, he sometimes will do my laundry or every couple of weeks will give me a twenty. Ouch, reality!

I really like having my own place, and am doing fine on my own financially. I have tried to explain to AH that it is not the money itself that I am wanting from him when I get upset at him not working; rather, it is what his working and earning money represents: someone else is in this with me, is invested in taking care of obligations and the children's future as much as I am! I either feel completely alone or like I have a 34 year old third child! I love that everything I wanted for my family that AH fell through on his promises to me, I have gotten it for myself: a nicer house, better school district, safer neighborhood...but I resent having to do it by myself, too.
Barb, I think the fact that I have been more on my own for the better part of 2 years is what made me able to take the news that AH had lost yet ANOTHER job. I did not cry, yell, or anything... just nodded and said I was sorry. I am really starting to know that whatever he does, I will be ok. I just don't have to like what he does. AND I still get made that the kids and I are getting cheated out of the man I THOUGHT I married.

barb dwyer

OHHHHhhhhhh... okay.

whew!

Apologies for my memory, there.

And a normal kind of anger, too.
I'm glad to read about the therapy thing
that's a big move forward and something to be pleased with.

ok.

I don't know how I thought he was still under the roof.

I mostly like when you said that rocks!