Why would he even call me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: SE United States
Posts: 39
Why would he even call me?
Posted the other day about the man, whom I will call Matt,that I used to work with who has become obsessed with me. Asking how you would handle this. I asked him before Thanksgiving to please not contact me any more and have repeated this over and over. I have been extremely clear that I want no relationship with him. I wanted to be able to remain his friend until Thanksgiving. That was when Matt supposedly was receiving threating emails from someone, using an anonymous web address, who knew personal details on Matt and was planning to ruin his reputation at work using those details. I asked for the no contact after Matt accused me (to me AND to my former boss, who up until last week Matt still worked for) of writing the emails. This called my morals into question to a boss I still very much like and respect; I left the job on good terms. After a few days, a "friend" of Matt's supposedly fessed up to writing the emails as a "joke". After this Matt wanted to return to a regular friendship that he was hoping to turn into something more. I wanted none of that! I asked for no contact, and thus started a weird sick cycle of him leaving me alone for a few days, me getting some peace, then Matt claiming some emergency- medical, job related or otherwise. If I don't respond to those, he ratchets it up. Someone we both used to work with has been dogging me at work or threatening me and I need to know about it. If all else fails, Matt himself has threatened to expose some of my personal failures if I don't call. we worked in an industry where personal moral failures are a huge factor in other's perceptions of the job you do, so it was not a matter of just embarassing me to a few people- his actions could lose me my current job and prevent jobs down the road for years to come. i have spoken to the police twice. They have agreed it is harassment, as is his driving by the house (how often I do not know, but have caught him 7 or 8 times in the last 3 months.) Police offered to take a report both times, but I declined, hoping that just letting Matt know the call had been made would suffice. I truly did not want to involve cops since that would lead to the previously mentioned negative job consequences, potentially for both of us. But he will just not stop. The cop calls stopped him for about a week then he had a health "emergency" (he is diabetic and does not manage it at all) so I would call to check on him. I fell for it. Since for the last 6 months I refuse to meet with him and never initiate contact, he now calls every day to see how I am. When I don't answer he starts the pity party of texts : "now we're going to play the ignore Matt game", "you're just too selfish to give me five minutes of your precious time", etc. Just tonight, I had a wonderful night out catching up with an old friend who has also been in a rough patch with her relationship. It was great timing for me. I simply turned off my phone. When I turned it back on, I had 4 missed calls from Matt and 3 texts. "Of course you can't answer me, rumor was you had a hot date tonight". "Who with". I am at a loss. Rumor with who? I dont speak to any of our mutual aquaintances regularly any more!
WHY play these games? HOW can someone be so desperate that ANY attention, even when the person is crystal clear they don't want anything to do with you, is better than no attention? Matt does not abuse any substances at all. It's pure and natural crazy and I am tired of attracting it. At least I have some small progress. I told him he does not have to like my refusal to have more contact. He is fully entitled to be pi**ed. That is his business. It is my business to seek out healthy relationships with healthy people, and it is up to me to decide who, when, and why I talk to.
Thoughts on how to get him to leave me alone? Would like to keep phone number if I can since my kids are small and have it memorized, and use cell for work too.
Oh, and I have checked on Al Anon meetings in my area and I am glad to report some more have started in the last year closer to me, and at better times for me. I should have less problems managing to get to them. I want to go at least 2 times a week. Things are looking up. Thanks for the support!
WHY play these games? HOW can someone be so desperate that ANY attention, even when the person is crystal clear they don't want anything to do with you, is better than no attention? Matt does not abuse any substances at all. It's pure and natural crazy and I am tired of attracting it. At least I have some small progress. I told him he does not have to like my refusal to have more contact. He is fully entitled to be pi**ed. That is his business. It is my business to seek out healthy relationships with healthy people, and it is up to me to decide who, when, and why I talk to.
Thoughts on how to get him to leave me alone? Would like to keep phone number if I can since my kids are small and have it memorized, and use cell for work too.
Oh, and I have checked on Al Anon meetings in my area and I am glad to report some more have started in the last year closer to me, and at better times for me. I should have less problems managing to get to them. I want to go at least 2 times a week. Things are looking up. Thanks for the support!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Sounds like classic stalker behavior on "Matt's" part. It also sounds like he is obsessed with you. Period. It doesn't matter why, this is who he is. Analyzing it to death or trying to understand it will not help or stop it. I strongly urge you to call the police and make a formal report. Keep the texts as evidence and start keeping a journal that documents EVERY unwanted call, text, email, drive by. Quit worrying about what it could do to him at work. That's not your problem, your fault, your responsibility or your business. Also, I would quit talking to him at all. You OWE him NOTHING...no pleasantries, no explanations. Continuing to talk to him, even if only to tell him to stop contacting you is classic codie behavior. Just don't respond to him. Ever. HE is harassing you and that is unacceptable and illegal. Be very careful. The level of his obsession with you is worrisome and he could possibly escalate into dangerous behavior.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
It shouldn't be that hard to get a restraining order out on this guy.
Originally Posted by LaPinturaBella 
Sounds like classic stalker behavior on "Matt's" part. It also sounds like he is obsessed with you. Period. It doesn't matter why, this is who he is. Analyzing it to death or trying to understand it will not help or stop it. I strongly urge you to call the police and make a formal report. Keep the texts as evidence and start keeping a journal that documents EVERY unwanted call, text, email, drive by. Quit worrying about what it could do to him at work. That's not your problem, your fault, your responsibility or your business. Also, I would quit talking to him at all. You OWE him NOTHING...no pleasantries, no explanations. Continuing to talk to him, even if only to tell him to stop contacting you is classic codie behavior. Just don't respond to him. Ever. HE is harassing you and that is unacceptable and illegal. Be very careful. The level of his obsession with you is worrisome and he could possibly escalate into dangerous behavior.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Go to the police and file the report. Screw your job your LIFE is at stake here. Get a restraining order. Change your phone #? Ever thought of that? If he contacts you again document it and have him arrested for violating the restraining order.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Take all the records you have, to the police, file the complaint for STALKING, let them pull the phone records.
Go to court, and get a restraining order filed NOW.
This man is getting worse and is a danger to you.
Stalking is illegal and that is what he is doing.
Please, for you own safety, make the report official with the police and get a restraining order. In some states they call it an order of protection.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Go to court, and get a restraining order filed NOW.
This man is getting worse and is a danger to you.
Stalking is illegal and that is what he is doing.
Please, for you own safety, make the report official with the police and get a restraining order. In some states they call it an order of protection.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
This sounds dangerous, and your previous post, where you mentioned his pathological lying, and him portraying a physical relationship between you to others is beyond creepy.
He is clearly mentally unstable.
If you have known him a long time, and he never showed his behavior, he may be having a break of some kind.
Truth is, it does not matter, and you relied on him as a confidante, and now you seem to be having trouble seeing that this has changed. HE is not well, and you have bgger fish to fry with kid(s), and detaching from your A.
I had a young girl that a friend reccommened as a nanny years ago.
My child was a tiny infant at the time, and this young girl traveled with me for work and tended to my son for a period of time.
She appeared relatively normal for the first few weeks, but then, I noticed she began to exhibit very inappropriate possessive behavior and attitudes about me. She would get jealous of my friends, my AH. She would, at first make very benign, but weird coments, putting everyone down...
Then it spiraled into a full on obssession.
I ended up having to fire her, which enraged her.
I just did not know her at all, and I did confide in her, thinking she was safe, normal and reliable, and would be discreet.
After I fired her, she spread my dirty laundry around, would act very strange if I saw her in public.
She is now still in town, but she is mentally ill. She wears pajamas out in the world, for gods sake.
Lesson learned. I now require full background checks and referecnes from anyone dealing w my son, but,
y point is, you need to cut him totally loose, and do what you need to do to make that happen. A phone call to police, and a restraining order is called for, here.
You owe him nothing, and he needs to get the message of your boundary loud and clear and with the enforcement of the law behind it.
JMHO
He is clearly mentally unstable.
If you have known him a long time, and he never showed his behavior, he may be having a break of some kind.
Truth is, it does not matter, and you relied on him as a confidante, and now you seem to be having trouble seeing that this has changed. HE is not well, and you have bgger fish to fry with kid(s), and detaching from your A.
I had a young girl that a friend reccommened as a nanny years ago.
My child was a tiny infant at the time, and this young girl traveled with me for work and tended to my son for a period of time.
She appeared relatively normal for the first few weeks, but then, I noticed she began to exhibit very inappropriate possessive behavior and attitudes about me. She would get jealous of my friends, my AH. She would, at first make very benign, but weird coments, putting everyone down...
Then it spiraled into a full on obssession.
I ended up having to fire her, which enraged her.
I just did not know her at all, and I did confide in her, thinking she was safe, normal and reliable, and would be discreet.
After I fired her, she spread my dirty laundry around, would act very strange if I saw her in public.
She is now still in town, but she is mentally ill. She wears pajamas out in the world, for gods sake.
Lesson learned. I now require full background checks and referecnes from anyone dealing w my son, but,
y point is, you need to cut him totally loose, and do what you need to do to make that happen. A phone call to police, and a restraining order is called for, here.
You owe him nothing, and he needs to get the message of your boundary loud and clear and with the enforcement of the law behind it.
JMHO
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 91
Hi Feb, I have had some of this happen to me. Resist the temptation to reply to any text messages. He is going to keep sending them if he feels there is any chance you will reply. You want to have zero contact with this person, it will take some time but he will move on to somebody else who gives him a little attention.
Keep the messages on your phone and defiantly file a police report. For your own safety, let people in your life that you are close to aware of what is going on. This is crazy behavior and should be taken really seriously.
Keep the messages on your phone and defiantly file a police report. For your own safety, let people in your life that you are close to aware of what is going on. This is crazy behavior and should be taken really seriously.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I agree with filing the police report.
Tell them as much information as you can - the threats, the dates things happen if you remember them, all the facts you know.
Obviously simply calling the police hasn't worked, so you need to take the next step.
lillamy's suggestion of a restraining order is also a brilliant idea, at least as long as he knows where you live.
Also, if you absolutely want to keep your phone number, talk to your phone provider about blocking the numbers he's most likely to call from. My cell phone provider will block up to 5 numbers for free for 90 days. I can cancel the block, or renew the block (to bring the full total to 90 days again) whenever and as often as I want.
Just something to consider.
Tell them as much information as you can - the threats, the dates things happen if you remember them, all the facts you know.
Obviously simply calling the police hasn't worked, so you need to take the next step.
lillamy's suggestion of a restraining order is also a brilliant idea, at least as long as he knows where you live.
Also, if you absolutely want to keep your phone number, talk to your phone provider about blocking the numbers he's most likely to call from. My cell phone provider will block up to 5 numbers for free for 90 days. I can cancel the block, or renew the block (to bring the full total to 90 days again) whenever and as often as I want.
Just something to consider.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Feb,
It takes two to tango, and while you clearly don't like the status quo it sounds as though you have maintained some level of contact via text and answering his calls. I briefly dated a woman like that and she continued to call, txt and email me for over six months after I told her that I was not interested in a relationship, wished her well, ending contact, etc. It was scary dealing with someone who clearly wasn't playing with a full deck.
Changing your phone number seems like a very small price to pay. Alternatively, simply block calls from him on your phone and tell him you are doing so. Regardless, don't respond even if he does in fact have some kind of emergency. He sounds like he has borderline personality disorder to me. If so, any contact or response from you will keep this going for a loooooong time.
It takes two to tango, and while you clearly don't like the status quo it sounds as though you have maintained some level of contact via text and answering his calls. I briefly dated a woman like that and she continued to call, txt and email me for over six months after I told her that I was not interested in a relationship, wished her well, ending contact, etc. It was scary dealing with someone who clearly wasn't playing with a full deck.
Changing your phone number seems like a very small price to pay. Alternatively, simply block calls from him on your phone and tell him you are doing so. Regardless, don't respond even if he does in fact have some kind of emergency. He sounds like he has borderline personality disorder to me. If so, any contact or response from you will keep this going for a loooooong time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Reading that gave me the heebie jeebies. The guy is a nutter.
Change your number/block calls. See if that stops the harassment at all. If not then file a police report. Maybe consult with a DV support line. They also are knowledgeable about stalking and how to protect yourself.
Sometimes getting authorities involved has the potential for making things worse OR it can just scare him silly and he will leave you alone. Hard to say. It is different than someone lovesick who can't let go, this guy is a bonafide freak so protect yourself as best as you can.
Change your number/block calls. See if that stops the harassment at all. If not then file a police report. Maybe consult with a DV support line. They also are knowledgeable about stalking and how to protect yourself.
Sometimes getting authorities involved has the potential for making things worse OR it can just scare him silly and he will leave you alone. Hard to say. It is different than someone lovesick who can't let go, this guy is a bonafide freak so protect yourself as best as you can.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: SE United States
Posts: 39
Thank you all for the advice. I am completely ignoring now. Getting texts and calls 3-4 an hour, some texts calling me sweetheart, others saying I am a selfish b for not answering. I feel sick for someone who chooses to live his life that way. Searching for a blocked call app for my phone right now, will try for a few days to see if it works, then will change number. Going to talk to cops tomorrow too to see what my options are. I think the fact that ALL of you have been freaked out by him is a sign for me to get my tail in gear. I know that having been through so much craziness in my life with AH, I have serious doubts about my decision making abilities, particularly where it comes to judging people. I was half afraid some of you would remind me of all the nice things he has also done for me, just like he does. I guess that's just how screwed up I have let my thinking become that because someone is nice to me sometimes, I can talk myself into being treated like an animal the other 90% of the time, by someone I don't even want to be with! I most definitely cannot tell the difference between loving someone and feeling sorry for them. My biggest area to work on!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Read the thread on here, "Why Does He Do That?" It's about the book of the same name explaining emotional abuse. It's hard to make good decisions when we're in the midst of the fog created by the A...and then you have this guy adding to it. It's hard to see sometimes when we're in the middle of it. And much easier to see for someone on the outside. Don't be so hard on yourself. But do keep us informed so we don't worry. Sleep well tonight...you've taken concrete steps to rid yourself of a very toxic person.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
If you see him driving by your house, call the cops on the spot and they will come out and do a safety check for you. Also if you see him around your house call a friend and let them know or have them come over.
I reread your post and didn't catch the 'he drives by my house' part. This is beyond phone harassment. He is stalking you. If you feel unsafe at all for any reason by all means call the cops.
None of this makes you naive or not able to judge character. We normally don't assume that a a coworker would do this. It is unusual and sick behavior which no one would expect. The guy is not balanced.
I reread your post and didn't catch the 'he drives by my house' part. This is beyond phone harassment. He is stalking you. If you feel unsafe at all for any reason by all means call the cops.
None of this makes you naive or not able to judge character. We normally don't assume that a a coworker would do this. It is unusual and sick behavior which no one would expect. The guy is not balanced.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
OT, but is that a Gem cartoon pic on your profile? I looked at it for a couple of days and then it hit me......Gem and the Holograms! LOL.
And, on a more serious note, I agree with the blocking calls, etc. My thought though, is if you can resist answering or texting back, it may be best to not block the number. All of these calls/messages/texts could prove to be useful evidence should you need it. Just a though.
M
And, on a more serious note, I agree with the blocking calls, etc. My thought though, is if you can resist answering or texting back, it may be best to not block the number. All of these calls/messages/texts could prove to be useful evidence should you need it. Just a though.
M
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Look into a Google Voice account. It keeps a log of all text messages and even transcribes voice mail messages and then logs those too. I have mine set up so that calls to that number forward to my cell number. But maybe you can set it up so that your cell number forwards to the GV number. Then you have an automatic record of all of this stuff.
He sounds like a sociopath.
He sounds like a sociopath.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: SE United States
Posts: 39
It is Jem! She was my favorite back when I was little and I even bought my girls the dolls off Ebay. You can find a bunch of the old episodes on You Tube.
I found a free app for my phone called Mr Number (cutesy?) that blocks texts from showing up with your others in your inbox. You never know if you get them unless you purposely open the app. Blocks calls too and you have the option of sending the person direct to voicemail or pick up and hang up (the one I chose, so he can't load my voicemail with rants.) Its been a more peaceful day all in all. I never knew he was calling or texting, but I have the records if I need them. Did sneak a peak at the 25 texts he has sent today and they ran the gamut from "sweetheart please talk to me it is a matter of life and death" to "you're such a selfish b&&tch you don't even care about anyone else, what a great person you are". 'i heard the truth about u but I dont care I still love u", "know he was over there last night (meaning AH- who wasn't) but i don't care just call me dammit"
But I am proud to say I successfully ignored him all day and have texts to show cops. I wish I could deny any responsibility for this, but I know I perpetuated it by ever giving in to calling or texting. I just have never dealt with someone like this, who threatens to ruin your life in one breath and then tells you he loves you and you're his best friend in the next. Sadly AH looks healthy in comparison. He has not been ruthless very often; just immature and irresponsible. Comaring AH with Matt's behavior just gets me more confused.
Thanks for the concern and support I am getting from everyone. I have gone from not wanting to get out of bed every day last week to remembering I am not the only one dealing with these issues, and knowing there is hope. I feel much more positive, and plan to try out a new (to me) Al Anon tomorrow.
I found a free app for my phone called Mr Number (cutesy?) that blocks texts from showing up with your others in your inbox. You never know if you get them unless you purposely open the app. Blocks calls too and you have the option of sending the person direct to voicemail or pick up and hang up (the one I chose, so he can't load my voicemail with rants.) Its been a more peaceful day all in all. I never knew he was calling or texting, but I have the records if I need them. Did sneak a peak at the 25 texts he has sent today and they ran the gamut from "sweetheart please talk to me it is a matter of life and death" to "you're such a selfish b&&tch you don't even care about anyone else, what a great person you are". 'i heard the truth about u but I dont care I still love u", "know he was over there last night (meaning AH- who wasn't) but i don't care just call me dammit"
But I am proud to say I successfully ignored him all day and have texts to show cops. I wish I could deny any responsibility for this, but I know I perpetuated it by ever giving in to calling or texting. I just have never dealt with someone like this, who threatens to ruin your life in one breath and then tells you he loves you and you're his best friend in the next. Sadly AH looks healthy in comparison. He has not been ruthless very often; just immature and irresponsible. Comaring AH with Matt's behavior just gets me more confused.
Thanks for the concern and support I am getting from everyone. I have gone from not wanting to get out of bed every day last week to remembering I am not the only one dealing with these issues, and knowing there is hope. I feel much more positive, and plan to try out a new (to me) Al Anon tomorrow.
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