marie678

As I'm sure you can guess from the title, my husband relapsed. He had (to my knowledge, anyways) been sober for about 2 months, but last night he let that go. I'm not sure what he was doing most of the day after he left at 10am to go do something that should have been a quick task, but I know the night ended with a call to me from a Highway Patrol officer around 10pm and with him in 12 hour detox.

Since then, I've talked to some friends and family members about what has happened and every single person has had the same reaction, "Oh my god, I would be so livid. I would kill him." This makes sense since this is his second DUI within a matter of months and DUIs are not cheap or easy to fix. However, I feel different this time than I ever have before when he has gotten drunk and done something completely inconsiderate and irresponsible. I'm just not mad about it. I'm not angry. I'm not anything really.

Well, that isn't true. I'm disappointed, I think. I'm a little hurt for what this means for him and what it means for our family and for my children. But, I'm okay. And that feels good to be okay. His brother told me last night on the phone, "just please don't hurt him too bad tomorrow when he gets home!" All I could say to that was, "He is already hurting himself worse than I could ever hurt him." And that is so true. As hard as it was for him to face me, our kids, and everyone else after the fact, I am fairly certain that facing himself is and will always be the hardest part.

As for me, I'm just going with the flow for the time being and letting him pick up the pieces from his mess on his own for once. It feels good not to take that responsibility on myself- to let him be responsible for his own choices and to let him figure out how to right his own wrongs. I've been thinking a lot lately about whether or not we should stay together. I feel like his addiction to alcohol is a black hole. Everything around it gets sucked in and lost- the trust that was once there in our relationship, his freedom, his dignity, his license, his friendships, his relationships, and, if I allow it, his wife and kids. I cannot allow myself or my children to become casualties of his drinking. I feel like I need to put space between myself and his situation to allow my kids and I the chance to breathe and live without being smothered by his issues and to allow him the freedom and the opportunity to deal with his demons in whatever way he needs to. So, I think this might be something that happens in the near future.

But, for today...I'm just going to let it go. I'm going to hand all my worries about his situation over to the rightful owner (him). I'm going to take a nap with my baby. I'm going to listen to my kids' giggles, kiss their cheeks, and tell them I love them so many times that it annoys them. I'm going to be grateful that I have my own health and sanity and freedom to make choices about my life. And that's more than enough to do for one day. =)

Thanks for listening and for helping me gain perspective through sharing all of your stories!

naive

if you want some space, marie, you always have the option of asking him to go somewhere else when he gets out of jail.

i certainly wouldn't go pick him up. let him work that out.

marie678

Oh, I didn't go pick him up. I did NOTHING regarding his situation. He walked out of the police station this morning when they released him and happened to see someone he knows outside picking up their friends from jail (go figure that one...) and he talked that person into giving him a ride back to where his truck was. Then, he drove himself home.

LaPinturaBella

You are sounding sooooooooo healthy and centered in this. I agree with Naive's suggestion.

Hang in there...you really are doing very well in spite of the horrendous circumstances.

BobbyJ

You sound like you have made a peaceful decision for yourself...
One that works, just for you..

Nice Job

marie678

Thanks. =)

I think the hardest part so far is that his mom and brother keep coming to me with the, "what are we going to do about this??" discussion. I keep telling them "WE" are not going to do anything about it. He's an adult and he has to find his own way. I didn't do anything to make him drink yesterday and there's nothing I can do to make him NOT drink today. That's on him. They respond with, "yeah, but what are WE going to do to fix this??" Umm....?

stepsforward

You sound like you are moving forward - Proud of you

naive

not uncommon for the family members to be enablers...

perhaps suggest alanon to them. or, if they want to fix him, let them have him for awhile and they can all spin about in circles until they end up here with the rest of us who have surrendered and know we are powerless over alcohol.

dreamstones

Thanks for post Marie, you did the right thing! Just went through similar situation with AS, it was her problem to correct, not mine, just tried to focus on what I could control, feel better for doing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.