Asking parent about drinking
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: 23185
Posts: 1
Asking parent about drinking
I am new to this forum but I am not new to being a family member of alcoholics. I don't really know where to start, so I am just going to plunge ahead.
Over the past three months I have been struggling with my young adult child who is an alcoholic. I always knew that both my grandfathers were alcoholics, but both died not long after I was born. Neither of my parents discuss their fathers and their struggles with alcohol.
My parents drank alcohol, but I always thought not a lot. My father drank beer and my mother drank mixed drinks, mostly gin and tonic. Then she stopped. My father still occasionally drinks one glass of wine with dinner. I never counted how many drinks my mother had and sometimes found her drinking alone and during the early afternoon. Then she stopped drinking.
My therapist once askied if I was raised by alcoholics and I said no. She mentioned that I had many of the characteristics of ACOA (and I have 10 of the 13 symptoms).
Lately, though, memories were triggered about my childhood as I watch my son develop intense sugar cravings. I remembered that my mother had such intense cravings after she stopped drinking. She was diagnosed with diabetes, but continues to struggle with sugar (we find candy and coke cans hidden in her car).
I'm beginning to think that my mother may have developed a problem with drinking when I was a child. She certainly refuses to discuss her past habits with alcohol (she only discusses other people's lack of self-control with alcohol).
I am going to al-anon for my child and for me, but I am really disturbed by my memories of my own childhood and my mother's silence. I am more disturbed by how I have felt around her: walking on eggshells, judged. Her problems are more important. When I call to talk about my son, she told me that his problems couldn't possibly be more worrying than her diabetes.
My brothers' memories match mine, yet they do not want to have a conversation with her. One brother said it the best: she'll deny it all and cry, making it all our problem.
Yet, I need some way of understanding myself better and how I parented my child. Al-Anon is helping.
Any one with a similar experience or advice?
Over the past three months I have been struggling with my young adult child who is an alcoholic. I always knew that both my grandfathers were alcoholics, but both died not long after I was born. Neither of my parents discuss their fathers and their struggles with alcohol.
My parents drank alcohol, but I always thought not a lot. My father drank beer and my mother drank mixed drinks, mostly gin and tonic. Then she stopped. My father still occasionally drinks one glass of wine with dinner. I never counted how many drinks my mother had and sometimes found her drinking alone and during the early afternoon. Then she stopped drinking.
My therapist once askied if I was raised by alcoholics and I said no. She mentioned that I had many of the characteristics of ACOA (and I have 10 of the 13 symptoms).
Lately, though, memories were triggered about my childhood as I watch my son develop intense sugar cravings. I remembered that my mother had such intense cravings after she stopped drinking. She was diagnosed with diabetes, but continues to struggle with sugar (we find candy and coke cans hidden in her car).
I'm beginning to think that my mother may have developed a problem with drinking when I was a child. She certainly refuses to discuss her past habits with alcohol (she only discusses other people's lack of self-control with alcohol).
I am going to al-anon for my child and for me, but I am really disturbed by my memories of my own childhood and my mother's silence. I am more disturbed by how I have felt around her: walking on eggshells, judged. Her problems are more important. When I call to talk about my son, she told me that his problems couldn't possibly be more worrying than her diabetes.
My brothers' memories match mine, yet they do not want to have a conversation with her. One brother said it the best: she'll deny it all and cry, making it all our problem.
Yet, I need some way of understanding myself better and how I parented my child. Al-Anon is helping.
Any one with a similar experience or advice?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Hello KPS2:
Welcome! Although I have been working on my recovery for over three years I'm relatively new to this forum also.
My father was an alcoholic and even though my parents divorced when I was 15 the dysfunction in my family of origin continues today (30 years later).
Parents who are not alcoholics but were raised by alcoholics often end up passing down ACA traits to their children.
It's so sad how this disease affects generations.
My father recently passed away and my mother is still in denial about how her behavior negatively affected her children. She is in her 70s and I think it is just too hard for her to face.
I've gotten to the point where I'm focusing solely on me and my own children (they're still young 8 & 11).
I can't change my mother, I can't change my past, but I can change my future.
Hope you find an Al-Anon meeting that you like. As you might already know, there are also meetings that focus on "Adult Child/ACA" topics. There are lots of resources available.
Wishing you and your son the best.
db
Welcome! Although I have been working on my recovery for over three years I'm relatively new to this forum also.
My father was an alcoholic and even though my parents divorced when I was 15 the dysfunction in my family of origin continues today (30 years later).
Parents who are not alcoholics but were raised by alcoholics often end up passing down ACA traits to their children.
It's so sad how this disease affects generations.
My father recently passed away and my mother is still in denial about how her behavior negatively affected her children. She is in her 70s and I think it is just too hard for her to face.
I've gotten to the point where I'm focusing solely on me and my own children (they're still young 8 & 11).
I can't change my mother, I can't change my past, but I can change my future.
Hope you find an Al-Anon meeting that you like. As you might already know, there are also meetings that focus on "Adult Child/ACA" topics. There are lots of resources available.
Wishing you and your son the best.
db
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi KP, you have found a great place to learn and share!!
I'm glad to hear you are working for a better life for yourself and your boy. I was raised by an ACOA, and have had many of the same tendencies. I know that ACoA has on-line meetings, too, which might be worth looking into if there are none near you.
Best of luck as you continue this journey!
Hugs, HG
I'm glad to hear you are working for a better life for yourself and your boy. I was raised by an ACOA, and have had many of the same tendencies. I know that ACoA has on-line meetings, too, which might be worth looking into if there are none near you.
Best of luck as you continue this journey!
Hugs, HG
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