Missy7

I'm in the wrong place all the time. We went to a pub for lunch and I had one beer with lunch because, honestly, they had no non-alcohol on the menu and I convinced myself I couldn't ask for a soda. But I got up and left the pub after one--which is a victory.

Then with the kids I didn't drink through most of the night. I just kept my glass full with soda but it became obvious that it was either drink some wine or admit it. So I had wine.

Then we stopped at our local bar on the way home.

So I didn't drink as much as usual but I didn't manage to avoid it either. I sort of want to give up and admit that alcohol is going to part of my life--like a problem child.

I do not feel like I did yesterday though. That's the thing.

The decision point is just too hard. Then it has tipped and it's over.

In my real life I have no support not to drink. My desire to quit simply doesn't register with my husband. So I'm a nag or whatever. Plus, we have fun drinking. And he's all about fun.

I have to swim upstream the whole time.

Bummer. I would say tomorrow is a new day, but I know it isn't.

I'll be okay. Just sad. Sorry guys.

Bikeguy

In the end it's your choice and nothing anyone says here is going to change that. I know my life is infinitely better without alcohol in it, I feel stronger, healthier, more in control and happier, but like I said it's your choice.

susanlauren

Missy,
This isn't about your husband. This is about you. You have a choice to make: Do you want to stop drinking? If you don't, that certainly is your decision. And I don't think anyone here or anywhere else is going to talk you out of it. I don't think any of us can talk you out of it. If you do, then SR is a great place to find support.
Susan

Missy7

I know it's my choice. And I posted this in order to be accountable.

But it obviously isn't easy. I'm not strong enough to not drink when constantly around alcohol, though I'm getting better. And I simply cannot shift everyone's life to get alcohol out of the picture.

On a post I read this morning it said that the white house stopped serving alcohol during Betty Ford's recovery. I think that is profound and beautiful, but I cannot ask my family to do it.

artsoul

We're always here for support whenever you need it, Missy. You have to come to your own conclusion that you've have enough. I agree with the others that it's not about your circumstances or even whether you have support from your husband. It's about you still thinking alcohol has something to offer you.

I hope that doesn't come across as judgmental - I spent years hanging on to alcohol. Everyone here just cares about you and wants the best for you. Even if you just need support for cutting down, we're here!

BHF

Missy,
I havent been on here long and havent read many of your posts, so I don't know much about your situation. Here are a few things that I do know (or at least think I know):

If you do not believe that you are an alcoholic, but simply a problem drinker, you dont have to quit if you can control it. Seems like you did well enough last night, i.e. no dui, no bar brawl, didn't wake up lost & confused (these were my cues), but...

If YOU (not those on SR or your Husband) think that you are an alcoholic and that your life is unmanageable, then you will not be able to successfully control alcohol. You may get away with it for a while, but eventually it will get out of control again and will be worse than before.

I, personally, believe that most people who actively seek out help/advise as to ways to control or quit drinking alcohol are most likely alcoholics, or potential alcoholics in the making.

newwings

Missy, I'm going to be a bit tough with you, because I like you very much and feel I have come to know you a bit of late. You say you are in the wrong place all the time. I agree. Anyone who is insecure in their early stab at sobriety does not go the the pub, and a bar all in the same day...the circumstances were totally stacked up to fail, honey. I think you were able to only have one at the pub because you could, deep down, tell yourself that you would have ample opportunity to drink later because that whole night you knew what the pattern would be, because it sounds like the kind of evening you would have before you quit, you know? It was a secure schedule that you knew would suck you right back in, despite how strong you could be. I'm curious to know what kind of battle was going on inside your mind when you couldn't bring yourself to order a soda. Was it because someone would have said something negative about it? And the bit about having the glass of soda, and then either 'admit it' or have some wine, so you had the wine? I hope you don't mind me being a bit direct with you. Sending you best wishes and keep posting. You know we are all on your side. xx

Missy7

Thanks Newwings. First, when I say pub, this is Portland. Almost everything is either a coffee shop or a pub. If you aren't spending a fortune, and you aren't eating in a national chain restaurant or a hamburger joint, you are probably in a pub.

And, once again, this pub makes this really gorgeous mac & cheese that Phil wanted. I can't say--I can't go there. Or I didn't.

I am really not able to choose to stay away from alcohol. What I have to do is choose not to drink it when it is present. And that is the problem.

I am better at avoiding the first drink than the second. But I'm really scared of what happens in my marriage if I try to change everything. Our life simply revolved around alcohol.

Dee would say, What will you change?

I did drink just one beer at the pub and walked out and didn't like having drank it.

I did sit at the card table most of the evening while not drinking. But once I gave in I followed the pattern.

So I am working on changing the pattern by avoiding the first drink.

And I don't mind if people are tough on this setback, or I wouldn't have posted it. Truly, this is my only source of accountability. Phil drank stronger alcohol than me the whole way and he feels fine. He doesn't get it. He says he doesn't, but I know he thinks this is unnecessary for me. I disagree. I have known for many years that I am an alcoholic. I've just always been able to manage it.

NobleCause

I was in this camp for a good chunk of years. Even after realizing I had a profound problem, I simply wasn't fully ready for recovery - I didn't want all of what it implied, wasn't crazy about missing out on things, and maybe didn't consider it absolutely vital or necessary. I had no support to draw on and lacked the the humility to seek it out on my own, so I resigned myself to the fact that I could not/would not shake the drink entirely, and ditched the goal of recovery for the seemingly easier tack of harm reduction. For me it was an utter and miserable failure - I wasted a tremendous amount of time, thought, and effort, and other people ended up hurt regardless.

I am just a neophyte in the sobriety game, and I've relapsed more times than I'd like to admit, but what seems to be making the difference for me this time around is being fully invested - wanting to be sober more than wanting to drink, and being willing to do whatever it takes to find a workable path to sobriety. Simple, but not easy.

I can relate to having a hard time being surrounded by others who don't share your non drinking goals - I am frequently in the thick of this as well. Something eventually clicked in my brain which made this of far less importance and concern than the future I am trying to build. This part of the struggle isn't about anyone but yourself. Best of luck to you.

Ranger

Ironies, issues, layers, public self-consciousness...oy vey!

*I confidently managed multi-millon dollar projects by day and came home secretly drunk to a superficial marriage of my alcoholic creation nearly every evening.

*I recognized clearly alcoholic behavior in my Dad yet continued down a path toward allowing the evil birthright of alcoholism to continue unabated down my branch of the family tree.

*I needed help from family, friends, and professionals so desperately but I was bound by shame. The same guy who was quick to brag about not caring what others thought about him simply could not get past the idea of being looked at or thought as "the guy with issues".


In my own, imperfect, unremarkable way I am working through all of these changes.

You can too, MI7.

SomethingBetter

Ive relasped so many times ive lost track, some was straight back to crazy drinking while other times it was just a few and that worked for a while, eventualy though I was back to the point where I wanted back off the vicious cycle.

When I read and post here on SR it is my "real life", were real people with real support.

Its got to be hard at home if there is no support, but you have to do it for you.

bellakeller

Why not?

BHF

I have known for many years that I am an alcoholic.

That says it all. You know that ou are an alcoholic, yet you continue to drink. We've all been there... all drank for some period after we knew we shouldn't. At least I have...dozens of times. You will not be able to quit drinking without addressing the issue with your family. It's not possible. At some point, you're gonna have to say, "this is the way it is", and you're likely gonna have to tell plenty of others, as well. If I decide not to drink, I can't hide the fact that I'm not drinking from others. It speaks for itself.

One of the main points of my program is that I no longer have to live my life as a lie. I dont have to hide my drinking from others, because I'm no longer drinking and acting as I did when I was drinking. Why would I choose to get sober and hide that?

Sit your husband and kids down and talk to them about how you feel. If you do, it will get better alot quicker.

Missy7

I think that part of the problem is the day counting. I am not really relapsing--I've not gotten completely out of the pattern yet so I can't exactly relapse. First I have to really quit.

And I am so depressed today (even though I'm less hungover than on many other days) that I have to cut myself a break.

On one occasion I had thirteen days sober. I have relapsed from that. But at the moment, I'm in a cycle that is moving too quickly to relapse from. I know I have to start building days, but I can't keep thinking I've lost when I've actually gained so much by starting this journey.

It's just a bumpy start. I've gradually begun changing thing. I've begun building alternatives. I hope, hope, hope I make it. I want to feel good. I want to be present. I don't understand this. But even though I've poured so much out to this list, it's hard to convey how very hard I am on myself--in all areas of my life.

So, no relapses till day 5. And to be fair, sobriety starts at day 5 for me. I can't lose something I haven't earned.

newwings

Yup, for me, that first glass always awoke the monster within. I could NOT say no to a second, if the opportunity was there. If I did stick at one, I'd be so proud about it, I'd be pretty smug all day. Normal drinkers DON'T DO THIS!!!!! Think about your mindset and what your brain tells you before that first glass. Then compare it when that second glass is available.....and the third...and the fourth.

Alcohol will always be around me. If I want a social life of any kind, I have to be around booze, unless I go to an AA gathering. If I am home, hubby has his red wine close at hand. It's on the TV, radio, in songs, on facebook, it's in magazines and newspapers. Lots and lots and lots of my (ex) favorite drink flowing in abundance. I HAVE to accept this. I am fortunate to live in a very affluent area of America - we are in Wine Country in California, where income is high and wine is cheap, with thousands and thousands of alcoholics and heavy drinkers. Every single event/function/gathering is pretty much centered about drinking, as is time spent at home. I can only think of three people in my circle of friends and acquaintances who either don't drink, or drink lightly. That's three out of maybe 100 people...

I thought I would have a hard time saying no. Not this time, Missy. What I have realized is that most people, especially drinkers, DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT YOU ARE DOING! I know you think that Phil expects you to be the 'fun drinker'. I get that. I do feel, partly, that I'm not so much 'fun' as I used to be. Worried that my new found sobriety could be viewed as being stuffy or boring, or that because I'm not walking home without my shoes, or dancing at tables in clubs, I'm not the fun me anymore..and hubby says I'm very serious these days. Yes, I am. It's the new me, if you don't like it, talk to someone else. I can still laugh, yes, I can still joke..but neither of these things are at my own expense any more, or to please anyone else.

But I've noticed that once the drinkers have their buzz on, they really aren't interested in anything about 'feelings', let alone about me not drinking. They don't care! They can't tell what's going on in your internal battle with whether to drink or not, because really, to them, it's not a) interesting, or b) relevant to them. They don't even see it. It's all within you, Missy.

So my advice would be, if you continue to still go out with Phil and the others that you are used to drinking with (which, if I'm honest, Missy, I really don't think is what you should be doing if you want to succeed here), they are going to give you a hard time IF YOU ARE OUTWARDLY SHOWING YOUR BATTLE TO NOT DRINK. That means talking at length about it, or being sulky (I know, I've done this without realizing), pointing out what they are having and you having to have soda, and making a big deal about it, being judgmental at their drunken antics, or insisting everyone go home early because you can't cope with being out. That, for them, gives them the ammo to persuade you to have 'just one'. You know? If you are going to bring them in on your discomfort at not drinking or ask them to agree that it sucks, they will pressure you to drink with them. No drinker likes hanging with a bitter non drinker. You are an easy target because you crave the ability to fit in. Hence, you cave so quickly. I would, too.

In my limited experience, what works is that you buy your own drink, make it a soda, and not mention ONCE what you are trying to achieve. I've not been hassled once by anyone - as long as I keep it zipped about not drinking. Does that make sense? It doesn't seem fair, and I guess it isn't. It's just another of those things that help to keep you on track.

I applaud you coming on here and being continually honest. It's not easy, especially as it's been a heck of a roller coaster. Thinking of you and hoping today goes better. x

Anna

Missy, honestly, and I hope in a kind way, 'hoping' is not going to do it. It's really not.

Taking action is what counts.

Stay away from the pub, don't worry about convincing your family. It's not about them. It's about you making the choice to live a sober life.

Missy7

Newwings--thanks so much for your post. I do want to say that I haven't said anything to anyone. I don't gripe and I don't harrass my drunken mates when I'm abstaining. I've always been high energy and very early on in my reading of posts an SR member said she enjoyed being able to acts dorky with the drunken masses at no personal cost. I agree with that. So I'm not complaining and I'm not actually even unhappy to not be drinking. I just have this mental trip going on. I don't even want the buzz...I'm fine to just be there.

I very much appreciate your realization that if we say we aren't drinking people push. Even last night at my daughter's house I didn't say it until asked. And then I said I was "staying strong to win at pinochle."

Stride34

Don't worry about "building up days". Just make the decision that you won't drink today. no matter what. This alone doesn't guarantee successful sobriety, but full commitment to quitting is the one essential ingredient. All the other actions one takes to achieve sobriety vary for each person.

Fandy

why do you always blame everyone and every circumstance when it is YOUR choice to drink or not? a few days ago it was your husband and karioke, now it is the pub...and your inability to ask for water or soda????

i think that the first step is taking responsibility....either you drink or you don't....is anyone twisting your arm to drink? holding your nose and pouring it down your throat?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but REALLY???? go back and read your postings....you blame everyone else for the fact that YOU order drinks.

when i first stopped in February 2010....i was afraid to place myself in situations where there was booze...i changed my entire routine....including restaurants.

littlefish

Missy I can relate to you completely. I felt the same way.
I have learned a lot about myself in recovery, and my first few months of sobriety were really hard because I learned some unpleasant things about myself. Most of us do in recovery.
I am not saying this is you, it is my story:
One of the things I learned is that I have a passive and dependent relationship with my husband. I thought my sobriety would never work if he wasn't on board and supported me completely, gung ho, all the way without question. Because of my passive role...I wanted his approval, too. And sometimes it was almost like I felt I had to have his permission to quit.
No, he didn't really support me much in the beginning. But, a lot of the times I assumed that he wouldn't support me, without really asking or communicating.

Have you said to your husband that you are (trying) to not drink anymore? Have you had a good sit down and made your feelings clear?

I know I tried a few times to do it without telling him. But, in the end, it just made it all the easier for me to start again. When I never told him, he would never ask (why I was drinking again)...

I also assumed there would be huge social pressure for me to drink. What astonished me so many times is that people could mostly care less.
I have made little half-truth excuses: medication, driving, etc, etc.
When you two are out at these pubs, it's clearly not a good idea for either one of you to drive after drinking. The designated driver is an excellent reason not to drink. And, it's not an excuse.