Newcomer jumping off the crazy train!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 14
Newcomer jumping off the crazy train!!!
Hello. This is my first post on this site...which I am so happy that I found. I'm not really sure what I am about to write...I have a lot to share but have been feeling a little sensitive and sometimes numb as of late. I found this place a few days ago, and I want you all to know that your posts are so life-giving and bring healing to my soul. Thank you, every single one of you, for sharing your painful experiences. Thank you for opening up and sharing a piece of your heart and soul with the rest of us.
I did not see my mother today nor go around my dad and siblings, because I can not take the craziness anymore. My emotional as well as my physical health has been suffering. I have made the decision to detach from my family of origin until further notice. I have so much to share, but I am weary and feel it best to let it come out in waves instead of all at once.
I am a 27 year old female, married with two cats. Next week is our fourth wedding anniversary which means that I have lived those years about an hour away in distance from my family of origin. I make excuses whenever they want me to visit...I literally get sick to my stomach just thinking about seeing them...and I've finally gained the courage to tell them just that.
Over the past week, I have learned so much about families and the "roles" they take on when an addict is in the family.
God bless google. Since I was 11 years old(maybe a little younger), my brother has been a drug user. It started with pot. When he was 18 years old, he was prescribed xanax. He has been taking it ever since. He turned 35 this past March. He was arrested and they found heroin in his car the month prior to his birthday. He is an intravenous drug user, and he lives at home with my parents and his 11 year old daughter. My dad got him out of jail- he is currently attending outpatient rehab twice a week.
My parents are both enablers. My mom is seriously codependent on my brother. She does his laundry, cooks for him, lets him use her car, and watches his daughter for him while he goes out with his friends several times a week. He had my dad convinced that he "needs" his xanax and does not abuse it. While he was supposedly coming off of the heroin recently, my dad went to the pharmacy and filled his xanax prescription for him. No one seems to remember (including my brother, of course) that xanax was one of the drugs he went to inpatient rehab for just 4 1/2 years ago. He was full of xanax, oxycodone, methadone, adderall, and of course sh*t.
I try to escape this stuff, but my mom tries to drag me back in. She will call me and tell me that she found syringes...but then she allows him to live in her house without going to rehab. I have learned thru my research that as a young child I had codependent traits towards my mother and seemed to play the roles of the "lost child" and sometimes "caretaker". She was the daughter of an alcoholic who has never truly dealt with all that stuff from her past. My mom is a beautiful, loving person, but my whole family is really messed up. I didn't learn this until this week. I didn't know there was a label to all of this stuff that goes on in my family.
My sister lives 4 miles away from my mom and dad. Ever since we got married and moved an hour away, they have gone out of their way to try to make me feel guilty for moving. I now believe that my family is emeshed and there is NO BOUNDARIES whatsoever. They are all very angry for me for saying I need time to heal. I told them that I want to go see a support group, and my sister was mocking me thru an email she sent me. My mom told me that my sister was diagnosed narcissistic when she was a child, but my mom has never told her!
I have never been one to stand up to my sister and my brother...I am finally doing it, and their responses have been filled with so much animosity towards me. I'm the baby sister, and I feel like my relationships with both my siblings have always been about them.
I don't even know if I am making sense right now....my writing is kind of all over the place. I hope that you all will welcome me here into your community. I have jumped off the crazy train!!!God bless you all.
I did not see my mother today nor go around my dad and siblings, because I can not take the craziness anymore. My emotional as well as my physical health has been suffering. I have made the decision to detach from my family of origin until further notice. I have so much to share, but I am weary and feel it best to let it come out in waves instead of all at once.
I am a 27 year old female, married with two cats. Next week is our fourth wedding anniversary which means that I have lived those years about an hour away in distance from my family of origin. I make excuses whenever they want me to visit...I literally get sick to my stomach just thinking about seeing them...and I've finally gained the courage to tell them just that.
Over the past week, I have learned so much about families and the "roles" they take on when an addict is in the family.
God bless google. Since I was 11 years old(maybe a little younger), my brother has been a drug user. It started with pot. When he was 18 years old, he was prescribed xanax. He has been taking it ever since. He turned 35 this past March. He was arrested and they found heroin in his car the month prior to his birthday. He is an intravenous drug user, and he lives at home with my parents and his 11 year old daughter. My dad got him out of jail- he is currently attending outpatient rehab twice a week.
My parents are both enablers. My mom is seriously codependent on my brother. She does his laundry, cooks for him, lets him use her car, and watches his daughter for him while he goes out with his friends several times a week. He had my dad convinced that he "needs" his xanax and does not abuse it. While he was supposedly coming off of the heroin recently, my dad went to the pharmacy and filled his xanax prescription for him. No one seems to remember (including my brother, of course) that xanax was one of the drugs he went to inpatient rehab for just 4 1/2 years ago. He was full of xanax, oxycodone, methadone, adderall, and of course sh*t.
I try to escape this stuff, but my mom tries to drag me back in. She will call me and tell me that she found syringes...but then she allows him to live in her house without going to rehab. I have learned thru my research that as a young child I had codependent traits towards my mother and seemed to play the roles of the "lost child" and sometimes "caretaker". She was the daughter of an alcoholic who has never truly dealt with all that stuff from her past. My mom is a beautiful, loving person, but my whole family is really messed up. I didn't learn this until this week. I didn't know there was a label to all of this stuff that goes on in my family.
My sister lives 4 miles away from my mom and dad. Ever since we got married and moved an hour away, they have gone out of their way to try to make me feel guilty for moving. I now believe that my family is emeshed and there is NO BOUNDARIES whatsoever. They are all very angry for me for saying I need time to heal. I told them that I want to go see a support group, and my sister was mocking me thru an email she sent me. My mom told me that my sister was diagnosed narcissistic when she was a child, but my mom has never told her!
I have never been one to stand up to my sister and my brother...I am finally doing it, and their responses have been filled with so much animosity towards me. I'm the baby sister, and I feel like my relationships with both my siblings have always been about them.
I don't even know if I am making sense right now....my writing is kind of all over the place. I hope that you all will welcome me here into your community. I have jumped off the crazy train!!!God bless you all.
Last edited by LokiCat; 05-08-2011 at 11:57 PM. Reason: spelling
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
LokiCat,
Welcome to S.R.
You sound like you have your head in the right direction, regarding detaching from your family.
For me, Alanon has been a lifesaver, have you been attending meetings, or have you thought of attending?
Hang in there, alot of us come from disfunctional families. (me included)
One thing to have in your thoughts today, NO GUILT.
We have to do, what we have to do, to retain our serenity, (and sanity LOL) sometimes, distance is a solution.
Hugs...others will be along shortly.
Welcome to S.R.
You sound like you have your head in the right direction, regarding detaching from your family.
For me, Alanon has been a lifesaver, have you been attending meetings, or have you thought of attending?
Hang in there, alot of us come from disfunctional families. (me included)
One thing to have in your thoughts today, NO GUILT.
We have to do, what we have to do, to retain our serenity, (and sanity LOL) sometimes, distance is a solution.
Hugs...others will be along shortly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 14
Thank you so much, mooselips! I keep telling myself when I start feeling bad "No guilt!!" Thank you for that!
I would love to go to a support group. My husband said that he would go with me, too. I am so thankful for his patience in all this. He said that there is some Nar-anon(sp?) groups that meet not too far from here? I am absolutely more than willing to check it out. Also, there is a Celebrate Recovery not too far from here as well that I would like to visit.
I would love to go to a support group. My husband said that he would go with me, too. I am so thankful for his patience in all this. He said that there is some Nar-anon(sp?) groups that meet not too far from here? I am absolutely more than willing to check it out. Also, there is a Celebrate Recovery not too far from here as well that I would like to visit.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
Welcome to SR.....I believe you really need to go to a support group & could use counseling. They can give you great tools to handle your family.
My ah was from an alcoholic/narcotic addicted family. His mom died in his late 20's, his father & grandmother died when he was in his 30's.
This build up caused a huge addiction that did not hit until he was 36. Now we are dealing with active addiction while he also deals with the sorting out of his family dynamics.
His family was always in denial about the family problems. Anyone who discussed them were considered traitors.
We live/lived across the state from his family. It helped, but the biggest problem is inside yourself. You need to work this out, before it ruins the good things you have built in your life.
Thinking of you
My ah was from an alcoholic/narcotic addicted family. His mom died in his late 20's, his father & grandmother died when he was in his 30's.
This build up caused a huge addiction that did not hit until he was 36. Now we are dealing with active addiction while he also deals with the sorting out of his family dynamics.
His family was always in denial about the family problems. Anyone who discussed them were considered traitors.
We live/lived across the state from his family. It helped, but the biggest problem is inside yourself. You need to work this out, before it ruins the good things you have built in your life.
Thinking of you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......I hope you find comfort here. I did (and still do!).
You are taking steps to take care of YOU and that's fantastic! It is always upsetting to the dysfunctional family when someone decides to step out of the dynamic. It throws things off kilter for a while....but that's ok.
You have a right to set boundaries for yourself. You have a right to not continue to dance with people who are crossing those boundaries.
My dear daughter stepped out of her addicted brother's life long before I began my journey in recovery (codependent). I am so proud of her. I'm sure it was very hard and I know that she struggled with witnessing my codependency with my son (her addicted brother).
Do what you need to do for you. As you share your story and share what is happening to you, others will be able to share how they handled similar situations. We all learn from each other.
gentle hugs
ke
You are taking steps to take care of YOU and that's fantastic! It is always upsetting to the dysfunctional family when someone decides to step out of the dynamic. It throws things off kilter for a while....but that's ok.
You have a right to set boundaries for yourself. You have a right to not continue to dance with people who are crossing those boundaries.
My dear daughter stepped out of her addicted brother's life long before I began my journey in recovery (codependent). I am so proud of her. I'm sure it was very hard and I know that she struggled with witnessing my codependency with my son (her addicted brother).
Do what you need to do for you. As you share your story and share what is happening to you, others will be able to share how they handled similar situations. We all learn from each other.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 14
My mom was texting me today. She was asking me questions like "when will I ever see you again?" My sister has been posting some messed up crap on my facebook wall for everyone to see. She wrote that I am playing the victim when we should all be rallying around my brother and supporting him.
I just imagine my mom by herself, crying and texting me. I feel so sick. But I just can't do it anymore. (be in that environment) I hate that I'm hurting her...I feel like the worst daughter/sister in the world right now, but I just can't do it.
My brother says he is clean now, but I don't believe him, because he is still going out to the same bars with the same friends, backed out of going to inpatient rehab, trying to punish me cuz I don't believe he is clean, and other things.
The thing is, even if he is really clean I just can't take it anymore. I want off this rollercoaster. I was in school when he got arrested, and ended up withdrawing mid-semester. Over the years, whenever I am trying to better myself I will get a call from my mom telling me something horrible about my brother suffering in some way and I get so upset that I end up withdrawing from school or quitting my job. I understand that that is my problem, not my brother's or my family, but I don't want to be in the loop of his addiction anymore. I have been going thru this for 18 years now, and not by choice mind you. Most of those years I was living under the same roof.
When I was younger in my first semester of college, my mom would call me to tell me that my brother's wife at the time(who is also an addict) was in my room that I had locked. She had unscrewed the screws in the knob so she could get in my room and steal clothes. I told my mom to tell her to get out of my room, and my mom while whispering on phone told me that I should come home and handle it myself. I was living in a dorm and going to school in a town 30 mins away at the time. She used to steal from me all the time. (brother's wife)
Please tell me that I'm not killing my mom by detaching myself. Please tell me that I will not be the cause of my brother relapsing if he really is trying to stay sober. I hate the responsiblilty they put on me about him. I don't want it. Is it my responsibility????
I just imagine my mom by herself, crying and texting me. I feel so sick. But I just can't do it anymore. (be in that environment) I hate that I'm hurting her...I feel like the worst daughter/sister in the world right now, but I just can't do it.
My brother says he is clean now, but I don't believe him, because he is still going out to the same bars with the same friends, backed out of going to inpatient rehab, trying to punish me cuz I don't believe he is clean, and other things.
The thing is, even if he is really clean I just can't take it anymore. I want off this rollercoaster. I was in school when he got arrested, and ended up withdrawing mid-semester. Over the years, whenever I am trying to better myself I will get a call from my mom telling me something horrible about my brother suffering in some way and I get so upset that I end up withdrawing from school or quitting my job. I understand that that is my problem, not my brother's or my family, but I don't want to be in the loop of his addiction anymore. I have been going thru this for 18 years now, and not by choice mind you. Most of those years I was living under the same roof.
When I was younger in my first semester of college, my mom would call me to tell me that my brother's wife at the time(who is also an addict) was in my room that I had locked. She had unscrewed the screws in the knob so she could get in my room and steal clothes. I told my mom to tell her to get out of my room, and my mom while whispering on phone told me that I should come home and handle it myself. I was living in a dorm and going to school in a town 30 mins away at the time. She used to steal from me all the time. (brother's wife)
Please tell me that I'm not killing my mom by detaching myself. Please tell me that I will not be the cause of my brother relapsing if he really is trying to stay sober. I hate the responsiblilty they put on me about him. I don't want it. Is it my responsibility????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
Welcome to SR......I hope you find comfort here. I did (and still do!).
You are taking steps to take care of YOU and that's fantastic! It is always upsetting to the dysfunctional family when someone decides to step out of the dynamic. It throws things off kilter for a while....but that's ok.
You have a right to set boundaries for yourself. You have a right to not continue to dance with people who are crossing those boundaries.
My dear daughter stepped out of her addicted brother's life long before I began my journey in recovery (codependent). I am so proud of her. I'm sure it was very hard and I know that she struggled with witnessing my codependency with my son (her addicted brother).
Do what you need to do for you. As you share your story and share what is happening to you, others will be able to share how they handled similar situations. We all learn from each other.
gentle hugs
ke
You are taking steps to take care of YOU and that's fantastic! It is always upsetting to the dysfunctional family when someone decides to step out of the dynamic. It throws things off kilter for a while....but that's ok.
You have a right to set boundaries for yourself. You have a right to not continue to dance with people who are crossing those boundaries.
My dear daughter stepped out of her addicted brother's life long before I began my journey in recovery (codependent). I am so proud of her. I'm sure it was very hard and I know that she struggled with witnessing my codependency with my son (her addicted brother).
Do what you need to do for you. As you share your story and share what is happening to you, others will be able to share how they handled similar situations. We all learn from each other.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by BarelyHere
We live/lived across the state from his family. It helped, but the biggest problem is inside yourself. You need to work this out, before it ruins the good things you have built in your life.
Thinking of you
Thinking of you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Sounds like it has gone on long enough and enough is enough. You are at that point. Most of us reach it at some point or another.
Maybe you could mail or get a copy of Codependent No More to your mom. You never know. It is so sad that she is caught up so deep.
****{Hugs}}}
Maybe you could mail or get a copy of Codependent No More to your mom. You never know. It is so sad that she is caught up so deep.
****{Hugs}}}
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by newnormal4me
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Sounds like it has gone on long enough and enough is enough. You are at that point. Most of us reach it at some point or another.
Maybe you could mail or get a copy of Codependent No More to your mom. You never know. It is so sad that she is caught up so deep.
****{Hugs}}}
Maybe you could mail or get a copy of Codependent No More to your mom. You never know. It is so sad that she is caught up so deep.
****{Hugs}}}
I've tried to muscle them all into family therapy. I then apologized for trying to push everyone into finding a family therapist with me. They all concluded that they don't need one and it is I alone who should speak with someone. They are acting as if I am crazy, unforgiving, and totally off base. So then I make the very hard but necessary decision to pull away and now I am "playing the victim" and "unsupportive of my brother", and "listening to lies from the devil". Blah, blah, blah.
My hope is that perhaps I can lead my family to freedom by example. But I know that nothing is promised to me. I give this up to God, my strong tower and fortress of strength. But perhaps my mom will consider going to Alanon where she lives in the future. I have already told her that she and dad are enablers, but I really want her to learn she is codependent by herself. I think that she would think I was attacking her if I told her. But if she would only go to some meetings and/or do some research she will learn about this herself and it will carry more weight. Sorry, I kinda wrote a lot. Thank you for your post.
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