Looking for opinion of a few people with experience.....

Old 05-08-2011, 05:08 PM
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Looking for opinion of a few people with experience.....

Posted this earlier but in the wrong forum .

I was just married a month ago after living in the same house with my husband for 3 years. The whole time he has been secretive, and distant, which I assumed had to do with cheating, and emotional issues from his childhood. I had many, many telltale signs that he was using. I come from a family of users. I usually see right away- which I did in his case as well, but he was so good at hiding it, that after a while I believed him, and began to ignore the signs (the only explanation I can have for myself right now) Anyway, I know now, that my husband is abusing cocaine, and I feel soooooooo cheated as he already knows, I want no dealings with that. Cocaine has caused me hell in my life already, for a large portion of my life, and I do not use it myself. I have never seen anything work for abusers of cocaine indefinately except hitting rock bottom, AND changing environments. My concern here is also that many of the people I know- and I know many- do very well for a while, and then eventually go back. I am not sure if I have one real success story from my personal experience where the person really never used again.

My problem here is that I was just married a month ago, and I really dont mean to sound cold, but I know already that this is a lose lose situation for me, at least until HE is ready to change, and I know from what I see, that is not my case. I want to take what I can now, put in my car, and drive away. (I live over 800 miles from my hometown, with my husband's family my only relatives in town) I love my husband, but really, what would I be doing to stay? PLEASE can someone give me some insight on this issue?
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Old 05-08-2011, 05:36 PM
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Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here. I think, actually, you're miles ahead of where I was when I was in relationships with A's (addicts/alcoholics). I then BECAME an A (crack), and it did take me hitting my bottom before I chose recovery.

I can't tell you whether to leave or stay, but sounds like you've been on this merry-go-round before and want to get off. I came here, an A, looking for support. I was drawn to THIS forum because I'd always chosen men who had "issues" - alcohol or crack. I wanted to figure out why I'm drawn to unavailable men (if they're using, trust me, they're unavailable) and get beyond that.

Still haven't figured out the "why" part, as I wasn't raised that way, but I have gotten to a point where I know what I don't want in a relationship, and an idea of what I do want.

There are a lot of people here with some great ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) and it's kinda slow on Sunday's, but you may want to read some other posts. I did, when I first got here, and found out I wasn't alone, and that was very comforting.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-08-2011, 05:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here. I think, actually, you're miles ahead of where I was when I was in relationships with A's (addicts/alcoholics). I then BECAME an A (crack), and it did take me hitting my bottom before I chose recovery.

I can't tell you whether to leave or stay, but sounds like you've been on this merry-go-round before and want to get off. I came here, an A, looking for support. I was drawn to THIS forum because I'd always chosen men who had "issues" - alcohol or crack. I wanted to figure out why I'm drawn to unavailable men (if they're using, trust me, they're unavailable) and get beyond that.

Still haven't figured out the "why" part, as I wasn't raised that way, but I have gotten to a point where I know what I don't want in a relationship, and an idea of what I do want.

There are a lot of people here with some great ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) and it's kinda slow on Sunday's, but you may want to read some other posts. I did, when I first got here, and found out I wasn't alone, and that was very comforting.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
Amy, I agree. I spent some time here earlier, and as you see, Im back. I found tons of great advice and info, and like you said, I was surprised, relieved, and disappointed that there are so many others here with the same problem. Thanks again.
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Old 05-08-2011, 07:12 PM
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I love my husband, but really, what would I be doing to stay? PLEASE can someone give me some insight on this issue?
Well, no one here will say to stay or to go. Only you can decide that in the end. However, there is something you can do to get closer to that decision.

It is called a "Pro/Con" List. Take a 8 1/2" 11" sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle of the long dimension and then write PRO on the top of one side and CON on the top of the other side.

Now over the next few days or weeks, as you think of things to put on one side or the other, it will help to calm the committee in your head. Once you believe you have though of everything, sit down and read your final outcome.

You should have an answer, and remember if your decision is to leave, it may not be forever, if your H decides to find recovery and by his actions shows he is serious about it. And your decision to stay would not be written in stone either. If no improvement is seen and no actions taken, you are always free to leave at a later time.

Have you tried AlAnon or Naranon? I mention AlAnon only because there are usually many more meetings than of Naranon and it will serve the same purpose.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-08-2011, 07:22 PM
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I guess I'm making sure I dont do the wrong thing by leaving him because I am very concerned about that. I dont think that it would be very beneficial to stay since it could only get worse- especially since he has recanted his confession. Now he says he only told me that out of anger for me accusing him (see my blog post for details) I now need help knowing IF he is actually using, or if I am just paranoid. I will try some of the local groups as well. At least until I have done SOMETHING. I am very nervous about this, and want to do the right thing.
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Old 05-08-2011, 11:43 PM
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Hi jusdon'tknow,
My suggestion would be, if in doubt, do nothing.
Sometimes, doing nothing, is a decision.



I think, in your gut, you already know, but if you need justification, hang in there for a little while.

My heart hurts for you....


Hugs.......
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Old 05-09-2011, 05:53 AM
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Welcome to SR. I agree with the others that this is a decision you have to make. However, if you stay (for a little bit, forever, or for the time being), i would suggest that you hide your assets. Now that you are married, the state considers your union with your husband to be a business partnership and, as such, your husband can go get loans without your signature and without your knowledge. And if he does not pay on those loans then the bank will call you to inform you of the loan and also start the legal process to get you to start re-paying. Your credit will be affected by that. He can now do a host of other things that you cannot make a police report on because business partners have rights to each others assets. When you were living with him outside of marriage for 3 years, he could have been charged with fraud, theft, etc., for the things that he now can do legally because you married him. If your husband does not know this now, he will very quickly find out. Addicts have a way of zeroing in on how they can get the assets they need for their drugs, and they would prefer to do it with no legal strings attached. So I am cautioning you to take a look at your finances, jewelry (including the things inherited from your grandma, etc), old coins, bank accounts, etc.

Again, welcome to SR. I hope you stay here for the continued strength for the journey you are on. Many of us have been where you are at and have lived to tell the tale!
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Old 05-09-2011, 09:45 AM
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I am certainly thankful to have found this site- which I cannot express enough. Today, I feel much better about this whole thing, as you all have said, I should just be a little more patient than I am today, but I have to be honest, when I said I was ready to jump in my car and run IMMEDIATELY- I didn't care about anything except that lil file with the most important papers in it. I was married April 5 LAST MONTH, and on my way to file for a divorce today- but I think I will hang around here at least a couple more weeks and make sure i am doing the right thing. Two days is definitely not long enough to decide on something like that, as I said, I have experience, and I dont think there is anything else on this earth that terrifies me more than having another loved one fall victim to this thing, and having to be right there to see it, to feel it, to suffer from it, all over again, and the pain of knowing the hell the user suffers to keep up the habit, to hide the habit and the things you do, see, etc while in this state. Then you do have the stealing from loved ones. I have one too many horror stories of men with drug addictions who were otherwise very beautiful people, and they somehow end up murdering someone close to them like a parent, sibling, best friend, or spouse, etc. Both of my parents have drug addictions, so you see, I have some deep deep psychological issues with this thing which I have just began to feel I had over come within the past 12 years, but now I am asking myself if the two may be related even? God is good, and he knows best. Thanks again.

Oh, I live in a rather small town, and for the first time in my life, I am also feeling reluctant to reach out for help because I know that as soon as I do, I will lose money around here. I just thought about this this morning when thinking about which meetings I could attend.
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Old 05-09-2011, 10:24 AM
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I am not married, so with a pinch of salt please.
Would it be smart to get an annulment?
Really, am very sorry for your predicament. Not impressed, I have to say. He knows your past troubles? True love, set her free.
Glad you are feeling better. This is a great site. Welcome.
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Old 05-09-2011, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Hollyanne View Post
I am not married, so with a pinch of salt please.
Would it be smart to get an annulment?
Really, am very sorry for your predicament. Not impressed, I have to say. He knows your past troubles? True love, set her free.
Glad you are feeling better. This is a great site. Welcome.
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Old 05-09-2011, 11:38 AM
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Even though you are in a 'small town' anyone you see in an AlAnon meeting is there for THE SAME REASON YOU ARE and they are IN THE SAME BOAT.

Seeing you in a meeting will not be mentioned outside the meeting as the meetings are anonymous and they would then be breaking their own anonymity as well as yours.

Do not use the excuse of possibly seeing someone you know as a reason to keep you from meetings.

And remember although we are not there with you physically we are with you in spirit. Picture whatever room you are in FILLED with all of us from SR. It does work, lol

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:52 PM
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I think Im gonna be just fine...

I thought about that too after a few hours, and was saying to myself that if someone see me at a meeting, they must also be there. I think I am gonna be ok with you guys, and with the meetings.

I feel much better. I am however feeling anxious about the fact that I may be walking out on my vows soon. I feel like a big liar, because I know that I am going to end up opting out of the marriage- and so soon. I think I will still go to the meetings, because I am wondering if there was something I did to get myself here. I used to be able to tell immediately if a person is using . I think it is very inconsiderate to keep something like that away from me. I would never have chosen to marry him, or even date him.

I do not judge people for what they do, but when I say I have experienced this far too long, My mother and 2 of her sisters were crack addicts, and they shared space (apartments and houses) throughout my young life, they had 13 children out of which 3 of us didn't end up addicted to drugs. My life was miserable- OUR lives were hell! I
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Old 05-09-2011, 10:26 PM
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My journal entry...

Thought I'd share my journal entry with you all from today...

Today was mostly a good day for me, and it is partly because I forced it. I am a bit more at ease about my situation, and it is what I was originally afraid of because I just knew that if i calmed down, I would fall for whatever. This is one of the reasons i wanted to leave immediately upon finding out. The last thing I want to do is to look up and be either here, or in a worse situation five years from now.

I almost did fall into trying to believe him, and his family since they were fighting so hard to convince me that I am being foolish for thing that HE could be on drugs. He would NEVER touch drugs - they mean this too. I aalmost did feel bad because the whole while they are talking to me, I am thinking "**** what you are talking about, i live with the man, not you." But in reality, either they are in denial, or they know and dont care about lying for him.

Either way this goes, I have made up my mind to leave, but to give him an ultimatum- he gets help, and joins me in a whole new environment which may help him a bit more than same ole' people. I dont even know who they are- who IS he getting the stuff from/doing it with??!! Im freaking clueless.

So, now, problem is, since he has taken his confession back, and insists that he is so appalled a the fact that I can even think something like that- makes it hard to move to the next step. I was planning to just leave things as they are, and when he comes home from work one day- be gone. But, since I love him, and would definitely like for my marriage to last longer than a month, I am going to take a chance now, and go and try to get that confession back, and tell him that i will be leaving if we cant move forward. I hate to mention that I am leaving before i actually do because I feel the drama that will accompany the news.

Well, here I go. I am going to try this one more time, and see if I can get some where. Wish me luck.
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