Told alcoholic mother that I too am an alcoholic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 81
Told alcoholic mother that I too am an alcoholic.
It went terribly.
I knew that I needed to understand why I was drinking, and I realized that one of the reasons is because my mother is an alcoholic. I finally told her tonight that I am one as well. The difference is that I'm trying to get help. I wanted to talk to her to let my feelings out and to try to understand how she can say I mean the world to her but then not even TRY to get help.
I feel that, in order for me to recover, I need my mother to get help too. Well, I know that's not going to happen. But seeing her drinking and letting her life go to waste (which has been happening for at least 21 years) makes me incredibly sad. I cannot cope with these feelings, and I especially can't deal with the fact that she can't even have a conversation about this with me, or even bother to get help.
I know it's not my fault that she drinks (she has had something terrible happen to her growing up) but I feel like it is my burden, my job to make her get help. And knowing that she won't do it, even for her own child, makes me feel a huge amount of grief.
I honestly don't know what to do, and how to deal with this all.
I knew that I needed to understand why I was drinking, and I realized that one of the reasons is because my mother is an alcoholic. I finally told her tonight that I am one as well. The difference is that I'm trying to get help. I wanted to talk to her to let my feelings out and to try to understand how she can say I mean the world to her but then not even TRY to get help.
I feel that, in order for me to recover, I need my mother to get help too. Well, I know that's not going to happen. But seeing her drinking and letting her life go to waste (which has been happening for at least 21 years) makes me incredibly sad. I cannot cope with these feelings, and I especially can't deal with the fact that she can't even have a conversation about this with me, or even bother to get help.
I know it's not my fault that she drinks (she has had something terrible happen to her growing up) but I feel like it is my burden, my job to make her get help. And knowing that she won't do it, even for her own child, makes me feel a huge amount of grief.
I honestly don't know what to do, and how to deal with this all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
You know...that is the horrible aspect of the alcoholic life. You realize you need help. You know she does as well..but until she wants that it won't happen. I went thru this a few times with people close to me. All you can do is get all the help and support you need and live a sober life. Keep the door open..maybe when your mom sees you recover and live a better life-she will someday want that too. But until then..we are on our own. I wish you well.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I'm sorry to hear about your mother - I'm sure it's hard to watch her continue to drink. Even though the conversation didn't go as you'd hoped, she's probably thinking quite a bit about what you said.
I agree with MsCB that the best thing you can do is to focus on your own recovery. Have you brought this up in the Family&Friends section? I'm sure you'll find support and tips there as well.
Prayers going out for you and your mom......
I agree with MsCB that the best thing you can do is to focus on your own recovery. Have you brought this up in the Family&Friends section? I'm sure you'll find support and tips there as well.
Prayers going out for you and your mom......
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Would you mind if I shared with you a bit of my story? It's a bit long but covers quite a few years.....
My mother was alcoholic, I am also an alcoholic. My mother never sought treatment, but I sought treatment for her, focused on her, went to Al-Anon to find out how I could "fix" her (I was pretty young then) and completely ignored my own problem. She died when I was 21 from uterine cancer, and while I did not have the challenge of trying to create my own sobriety within the context of living amongst actively using alcoholics (yes, there were quite a few alcoholics in my immediate family - father, brother and mother), I was the last of the Mohicans to obtain sobriety in my family.
Way back when I went to Al-Anon to learn how to "cure" my mother, I was completely surprised to learn that the point of going to Al-Anon was that the focus would be on me and how I related to the active alcoholic. It was about making myself well and not letting alcoholics pull me down the drain with them. In my mind, that was malarky, I wasn't the one with the problem - it was her! They did step work in that meeting, and when it got a little too close to pointing in the direction that I had a fledgling dependency going on, I ran for the hills! I went to a family counselor to get different help, because the problem was her. Surprise! It became about me again! He touched on my alcoholism, and again, I ran for the hills. Deep inside, I knew it to be true, but in true alcoholic fashion, the denial was HUGE! It wasn't until about twenty years later that I dealt with my own demons, and that was 17 years ago. The short story - I became my mother! What I did when I had the chance at recovery all those years ago was flee and blame others. Other people's problems became my problems. Other people's moods became my moods. Had I pursued my own sobriety, at any cost, when I first walked into Al-Anon's rooms, my life probably would have been quite a bit different, but today, I have no regrets. That was my path, and we all have our own paths. Your mother included.
While I spent a good three years trying to get my mother sober all those years ago, I paid a price myself. Basically, you can't give until you've got! Through my recovery, I came to the realization that my mother suffered the same disease I have, was worthy of the compassion and the general understanding I deserve, and that she was doing the best she could at the time. It has nothing to do with love or lack thereof. She probably has more love for you than you realize, but has issues to deal with of her own. She probably reacted badly because you tapped on a raw nerve; her own denial system. No one becomes alcoholic because they are happy about it, and develop a pretty thick denial system around it. Crappy things happen to all of us - some more serious than others - but many go on to live successful happy lives in spite of it. It translates to responsibility for ourselves.
There's another part to my story. Two years before I entered rehab myself, my younger brother blazed the trail to rehab. His disease took him well past the spiritual and mental phases of the disease, and hit his physical being. He developed cirrhosis of the liver at the age of 27. He developed and maintained seven years of rock-solid sobriety, but unfortunately, that cirrhosis developed into liver cancer, and he was gone at the age of 34. It was the complete turnaround in his life that I witnessed, combined with the absolute cesspool my life had become, that I saw the light and followed his path into rehab two years after he entered rehab. For the first year of my sobriety (lost my license to drunk driving), he drove me to meetings and counseling, but we went to seperate meetings. Our sobriety was our own to make. We supported each other, but our job for sobriety was our own. We had our own sponsors. We were responsible for ourselves. Besides, who wants to air their dirty laundry in front of their little brother (ewwwww)?
Get treatment for yourself! Go to AA meetings. Go to Al-Anon. It's been a long time, but I think I remember they call members of both groups "Double Winners". Learn about co-dependency (I can't get well unless you get well; I can't be happy if you're not happy). If you need to, get into rehab or into counseling in addition to AA to get that strong foundation you'll need. Take care of yourself.
Most people don't change because they see the light; they change because they feel the heat. Sometimes, it is a combination of both. I saw the light in my brother while my ass was burning!
You can't give until you've got!
I wish you the best.....keep posting!
My mother was alcoholic, I am also an alcoholic. My mother never sought treatment, but I sought treatment for her, focused on her, went to Al-Anon to find out how I could "fix" her (I was pretty young then) and completely ignored my own problem. She died when I was 21 from uterine cancer, and while I did not have the challenge of trying to create my own sobriety within the context of living amongst actively using alcoholics (yes, there were quite a few alcoholics in my immediate family - father, brother and mother), I was the last of the Mohicans to obtain sobriety in my family.
Way back when I went to Al-Anon to learn how to "cure" my mother, I was completely surprised to learn that the point of going to Al-Anon was that the focus would be on me and how I related to the active alcoholic. It was about making myself well and not letting alcoholics pull me down the drain with them. In my mind, that was malarky, I wasn't the one with the problem - it was her! They did step work in that meeting, and when it got a little too close to pointing in the direction that I had a fledgling dependency going on, I ran for the hills! I went to a family counselor to get different help, because the problem was her. Surprise! It became about me again! He touched on my alcoholism, and again, I ran for the hills. Deep inside, I knew it to be true, but in true alcoholic fashion, the denial was HUGE! It wasn't until about twenty years later that I dealt with my own demons, and that was 17 years ago. The short story - I became my mother! What I did when I had the chance at recovery all those years ago was flee and blame others. Other people's problems became my problems. Other people's moods became my moods. Had I pursued my own sobriety, at any cost, when I first walked into Al-Anon's rooms, my life probably would have been quite a bit different, but today, I have no regrets. That was my path, and we all have our own paths. Your mother included.
While I spent a good three years trying to get my mother sober all those years ago, I paid a price myself. Basically, you can't give until you've got! Through my recovery, I came to the realization that my mother suffered the same disease I have, was worthy of the compassion and the general understanding I deserve, and that she was doing the best she could at the time. It has nothing to do with love or lack thereof. She probably has more love for you than you realize, but has issues to deal with of her own. She probably reacted badly because you tapped on a raw nerve; her own denial system. No one becomes alcoholic because they are happy about it, and develop a pretty thick denial system around it. Crappy things happen to all of us - some more serious than others - but many go on to live successful happy lives in spite of it. It translates to responsibility for ourselves.
There's another part to my story. Two years before I entered rehab myself, my younger brother blazed the trail to rehab. His disease took him well past the spiritual and mental phases of the disease, and hit his physical being. He developed cirrhosis of the liver at the age of 27. He developed and maintained seven years of rock-solid sobriety, but unfortunately, that cirrhosis developed into liver cancer, and he was gone at the age of 34. It was the complete turnaround in his life that I witnessed, combined with the absolute cesspool my life had become, that I saw the light and followed his path into rehab two years after he entered rehab. For the first year of my sobriety (lost my license to drunk driving), he drove me to meetings and counseling, but we went to seperate meetings. Our sobriety was our own to make. We supported each other, but our job for sobriety was our own. We had our own sponsors. We were responsible for ourselves. Besides, who wants to air their dirty laundry in front of their little brother (ewwwww)?
Get treatment for yourself! Go to AA meetings. Go to Al-Anon. It's been a long time, but I think I remember they call members of both groups "Double Winners". Learn about co-dependency (I can't get well unless you get well; I can't be happy if you're not happy). If you need to, get into rehab or into counseling in addition to AA to get that strong foundation you'll need. Take care of yourself.
Most people don't change because they see the light; they change because they feel the heat. Sometimes, it is a combination of both. I saw the light in my brother while my ass was burning!
You can't give until you've got!
I wish you the best.....keep posting!
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