Krum81

Hello,
First off I never thought I would reach outside of my family for advice.

I’m 30 year old male that prides himself on being strong and focusing on what’s right in life. Been married for 6 years together 11 to a great wife. Have a new beautiful 5mo old boy. I do drink maybe once a week but just hanging out with friend. If you met me you would not guess my family is alcoholics and drug addicts. I have always been the go to guy for problems and issues in my family.
My current and on going problem is dealing with my mother. My mom was abused as a littler girl and her mom was a alcoholic that died from having brittle bones and broke her hip being drunk and died on after surgery last year. About 8 years ago she divorced my step dad and left my little sister. In hope for growth she fell to drinking and doing drugs even more than she was. To the point of where I felt I did not know her. I watched her crush my little sister with fake promises and imbarressing moments. I have had multiple hard talks with her and she seems to think that the problem is everybody else and not her. She had to move 1hr out of town because she was mixed in with the wrong people and her life got threatened.
I have had yelling / crying / trying to reason / screaming sessions with her and nothing seems to get through. She started to get better a year ago at that time me and my sisters tried to support her and help her along the way. Right when we thought our family would come together she started slipping and going back.
My son is now 5 months and my mother has seen him maybe 3 times because of many excuses and personal drama. My wife is very family oriented and has tried mulitiple times to help also. My mother insulted and disrespected my wife and now she is DONE dealing with it altogether.
My younger sister and I just listend to a message on my step dads phone.“DRUNK im assuming” Saying that her old DRUG and LOSER friends are closer to her than her family. I think she might be mixed back with them. With mothers Day coming up me and my sister are thinking about talking to her one last time. I don’t think it will help and we have Said “one last time” about 10 times now .
She is never wrong no matter how much emotion is let out or how you try and reason.

Any advice?

This was the Clean and short version ^

On a good note my father was out of my life because of meth and recently quit after a shocking Jail confrontation with me and is active in my and my sons life. I am very happy about this and wish the same for my mother.

Thumper

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

I do not think there is one thing you can say or do that is going to make any difference in your mother's addiction. If there was we'd have all said it or done it.

Have you ever gone to al-anon? I think it would be a great first step. It will show you how to live so that you can find peace, happiness, and a way out of the drama all on your own, no matter what your mother chooses to do.

When I first came here I read and re-read the stickies at the top of this forum. There is a lot of good stuff up there.

Krum81

Thanks Thumper i will take a look at al-anon.
As most of you know it is a confusing matter and you feel stuck between Loyalty to a Parent and Freedom of your life with no guilt. All things that play in your head when to Try and help and support and when to walk away.

After reading what i posted above it was a poor attempt for asking for help.


Thanks again,

Thumper

Your post was good. It is a really confusing and emotionally draining/painful spot to be in. You are right. I remember it well. I was so tired. Tired in every way imaginable.

Here is a sticky you might find helpful right now.

10 Ways family members can help


Look around up there - really - lots of good info. I still read them if the board is slow

StarCat

It's difficult, to be in that situation.
It's tough, feeling that you have to do things to protect people from themselves, or that you have to try and build relationships that aren't there for the sake of those dear to you.

You can't help people who don't want help, though... And that's a hard thing to realize. Goodness knows, it took me long enough to learn, and I still keep forgetting.

Ultimately, you are responsible for you, and your actions.
You are also responsible for the health, welfare, and safety of your son, and you have a supporting role in your wife's health, welfare, and safety as well.
You are not responsible for your parents. I am glad that your father has discovered his own recovery program. You can't do anything for your mother until she truly decides that she wants her own recovery program, too.

One of the things I learned in Al-Anon (and a frequently topic on this forum) is about boundaries. This is to protect ourselves from the insanity of others.
Your wife has already set a very firm boundary - she is done dealing with your mother, because of the alcohol and the insults. You need to set some boundaries of your own. Examples would be things like "I will not talk to my mother when she's drunk." You wouldn't have to tell her your boundary unless it would make you feel better, you could just excuse yourself from the conversation/situation when you discovered she was drunk.

It's difficult. I know.
While neither of my parents are addicts, my mother is abusive, and my father is passive and allows it.
I want to have some sort of relationship with my mother - mainly so I can still be in the lives of my two youngest brothers who still live with her - so it's a tricky line to walk regarding how to behave around her, and how much time to spend with her. As a result, one of my boundaries (that I'll never share verbally) is that I will not visit the house without taking my own car (I took a train once, and my father has frequent business in the city where I live). This way, it is very easy for me to get emotional and physical distance from them should my mother start to act up, and I can even take others with me to go do something fun. When they visit me, they tend to be on good behavior, so I am okay riding with them in a single vehicle in that case, so that particular boundary only applies when I visit them.


Sorry, didn't mean to write a novel.
Welcome to the forum.
While the details are different, the emotions are the same, and so we understand what you're going through.
You are not alone.
I'm glad you found us.