Kassie2

My divorce is final today... I got the notice in the mail.... having mixed emotions. I am very sad to be here. I am glad to free of the anxiety and liability that accompanies living with an A. It has forced me to examine my motives, my issues, and my recovery from life. Some of it is good and some not so good to look at. Guess it all comes with the territory. Recognize that I am part of a special club of ppl who have been in a relationship with an A. No one outside understands what it is like.

Last week I attended an anniversary of an alanon meeting. I felt overcome with sadness that my exah did not find recovery and therefore we did not find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. This is a person I must face daily and admit that I love him in part and yet did not love what came with the A part.

starshaped

Congratulations on doing something very difficult, but something that you needed to do for your own health and wellbeing.

lillamy

Congratulations, Kassie. I can relate to the mixed feelings you have -- I thought I was going to feel like celebrating the day my divorce came through, but all I wanted to do was cry a little and sleep a lot.

(((hugs)))

bookwyrm

Congratulations!

Mixed emotions are to be expected - it's the end of something you were committed to but the start of a whole new life! Be kind to yourself.

Pelican

Gentle Hugs (((((Kassie))))

Sending you encouragement and love.

chicory

((((Kassie))))

The hardest part is over- you now have the freedom to be as happy as you want to!
and tho it is gonna be hard for a little while, accepting the finality and all,

It's a new day , baby girl, so let go of the bad, and FLY HIGH!!!!!
xoxoxo
Chicory

AlcoholicLove

I think divorce is always painful, in some way..the realization of dreams and goals that will never be....Let yourself grieve then end of your marriage, and then carry on with your life..

Thinking of you Kassie, and know brighter days are coming!

LexieCat

I know you don't feel like celebrating, but I think the finality does bring a bit of closure. You can start thinking of this as something that's in your past, something that was painful but also contributed to your growth and becoming a stronger person for it.

I still think of my second husband with a certain fond sadness, that he was never able to "get it". But that was out of my control, and I am so grateful I didn't waste more years of my life in that particular nightmare.

Hugs, hope the days to come are sunnier.

StarCat

Sometimes we commit to things with other people, only to realize that they were committing themselves to something different than we had committed to.

It hurts, to let go of the dreams we build of these relationships we thought we had, only to discover that either they were never there, or they had changed too much to recognize for what they once were.

You deserve a life and future full of happiness, and healthy relationships, where everyone puts in energy towards building the whole, rather than one person making all the deposits and the other only making withdraws.

Much love and hugs for you, with this bittersweet news.
Your future is your own now, no more strings attached.

nodaybut2day

Just wanted to pop in and utter a small "yay", if that's ok Kassie.

theuncertainty

:ghug3

Thumper

Aww. I remember the mixed emotions.

There was sadness for certain but it felt good to have gotten through it. I was no longer 'going through' a divorce. It was over, I had gotten through it and it (the divorce) was behind me. That was/is good. I survived - and so did you.

Kassie2

I want to thank everyone who replied - everyone expressed my thoughts in so many different ways!

I am no longer waiting to hear from him about the divorce- no longer waiting to see if he gets better or not - no longer wondering if something is going to go awry -no longer going through it - it is done and behind me. I can truly move forward.

I am not able to celebrate yet for those who have cheered me on. I appreciate your desire to see me happy already! Right now I am dealing with the loss of my expectations and trying to find the courage to face reality on my own terms.

I feel that I have to rewrite the story and recognize that it was not the fairy tale that went sour but to accept that I chose to live in la-la land for awhile. I also shared with someone that attending meetings and listening to those who stayed in a relationship with an A or RA I have to admit to myself the choice I made to stay in the beginning and the choice I made to exit when I did.

It was the toughest choice in my life so far and hopefully taught me how to tell the difference between what works for me and what does not work for me.

chicory

(((Kassie)))

I am sorry hon, for the tough time you have been through. I found that I learned more about myself, and figured out more, after the divorce. And I was able to be more honest with myself, for there was no longer the pressure to fix anything . This will be a time of lots of learning and reflection. Be good to you, you deserve a rest from all those upsetting thoughts and worry.

xoxoxo
chicory

TakingCharge999

I have a new signature, I feel it applies to you Kassie / take care of yourself, remember the HALT rule. Hang in there, so you can know what the 'second garden' looks like.

You are very strong and I identify with you because you also have to have daily contact with the person that harmed you; dettachment even under these circumstances is a great gift, and makes me feel very strong. As barb says "same planet-different worlds". Its about US now. It will be about us today and it will be about us tomorrow. We deserve to look for our own answers, enjoy what makes OUR hearts sing. We deserve to live life in our own terms. We deserve our own energy, time and compassion, items we give to others so freely.


All the best!

prich

Sending you hugs and support.

Tuffgirl

I am here today...choosing today to stay married but living separately, watching for the little "living amends" as he calls them, for some consistency in his actions, and working on my own recovery in my own space, on my own time. You are inspiring. I know a time will come when I am faced with the same choice. What I have today is not a marriage as I would like it to be. Someday I will have to reevaluate my own needs and desires. But for today...I am staying (at a nice, cozy distance!)

I've been divorced once already. The day it was final, I went to the courthouse and the judge asked me a few questions, then stamped it and said, "congratulations! you're divorced!" in this happy voice, like he had just told me I was the 700th customer and just won a new washing machine. I cried all the way out the door and to my car. I then proceeded to back into a concrete poll and put a nice dent in the bumper. What a jerk! It was the death of a dream, how about some tact?!

Anyway - thoughts and prayers are with you this week. It is bittersweet.
~T

dancingnow

Thanks Kassie for sharing where you are at and the feelings that are with it. I am separated from AH and pretty sure he is not doing well in recovery, although he is high functioning at work but minimal involvement with family.

I have told him I do not want to reconcile until he seeks recovery and he tells me that I only have one way of looking at recovery! We are married on paper and financially tied together and since he recently got a DUI, I need to seek legal advice as he is becoming a liability for me and my kids future.

It hurts to have to move farther and farther from reconciliation but there just doesn't seem to be any choice. I tried so much and he just keeps on battling with me over everything I ask of him, whether it's what time to drop the kids off, does he need anything or did he fill out a form I need for insurance or what's going on with his DUI suspension. (Last I spoke with him he told me it was none of my business.)

Sometimes it's so obvious that interactions with him are so irrational and destructive to me because I let them be and sometimes I just step away and wait and don't know why I am waiting because it seems obvious that he has chosen alcohol over his family and me.

Thanks again for your ESH as I move along this journey and try to decide whether to stay in the club of people in a relationship (or trying to have a relationship) with an A or to move to that club of people who HAVE BEEN in a relationship with an A.

stepsforward

Good Luck to you!!!!

GettingBy

Kassie -

I have no great words to share. I'm at the beginning of the divorce process, and it hurts... beyond words. I can't imagine a time where I'll truly be "happy" with having a divorce on my rap sheet.