Need a little HELP, Please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: CT
Posts: 2
Need a little HELP, Please
Threw a gratitude list out on another thread... now I need to ask a helping hand....
I guess I am what you would call a Double Winner, attending both AA and Alanon. I know someone who is in TROUBLE. The advice that I am given is to sit back and pray. Doing this I feel like an enabler, and even a contributor to the persons downfall. I know the persons families whereabouts and I can send an anonymous letter expressing my concerns. I feel if I do not address this concern ASAP, something horrific will occurr in this persons life soon. ALL of the advice I am given is to stay out of it and pray, but I feel compelled to take action. If something were to happen to this individual, I would not be able to bear the guilt of having just sat back and allowed his self destruction to unfold. Any suggestions on sending an anonymous letter to a loved ones family expressing concern about a loved ones substance abuse? Thank you in advance for your words of wisdom, support, etc...even if I dont like what I hear
)))
I guess I am what you would call a Double Winner, attending both AA and Alanon. I know someone who is in TROUBLE. The advice that I am given is to sit back and pray. Doing this I feel like an enabler, and even a contributor to the persons downfall. I know the persons families whereabouts and I can send an anonymous letter expressing my concerns. I feel if I do not address this concern ASAP, something horrific will occurr in this persons life soon. ALL of the advice I am given is to stay out of it and pray, but I feel compelled to take action. If something were to happen to this individual, I would not be able to bear the guilt of having just sat back and allowed his self destruction to unfold. Any suggestions on sending an anonymous letter to a loved ones family expressing concern about a loved ones substance abuse? Thank you in advance for your words of wisdom, support, etc...even if I dont like what I hear
)))
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
If it would make you feel better to send a note, then go ahead and send it. Don't expect much to come of it though. Chances are this person's family already knows there is a problem.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
And, this is just my opinion -
You have been sober a very short time, and I know in early sobriety, I had NO energy left for trying to fix someone else's life. It might sound harsh to you, but I really think you need to focus on you.
You have been sober a very short time, and I know in early sobriety, I had NO energy left for trying to fix someone else's life. It might sound harsh to you, but I really think you need to focus on you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
It's hard to watch someone else we know going down this road I know...especially when we've been there.
It would be great to be able to save people. But we can't.
We can care, we can pray, we can share our experience - but we can't save.
I know from my own experience as an alcoholic - I *had* to walk every single step of my own journey right to it's end...no-one or nothing could have bought me to my moment of clarity until I was ready for it myself.
That you care is wonderful - but I do agree with Anna - it's hard enough in early recovery saving ourselves without trying to save someone else as well.
D
It would be great to be able to save people. But we can't.
We can care, we can pray, we can share our experience - but we can't save.
I know from my own experience as an alcoholic - I *had* to walk every single step of my own journey right to it's end...no-one or nothing could have bought me to my moment of clarity until I was ready for it myself.
That you care is wonderful - but I do agree with Anna - it's hard enough in early recovery saving ourselves without trying to save someone else as well.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
I can appreciate the fact you want to "help" this person. I agree with Anna and Dee! To ensure my sobriety I had to concentrate on myself. I could barely save myself, let alone get involved in "helping" another. I would be tempted, but I would step away.
If, in your soul, your being pulled to do something. I guess a letter or phone call would be as far as I would go. The ultimate decision is yours. Best Wishes to You!
If, in your soul, your being pulled to do something. I guess a letter or phone call would be as far as I would go. The ultimate decision is yours. Best Wishes to You!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
I agree, nobody can do the walking for the person, and everybody has its own recovery to focus on. However, with me I had my moment when a friend told me I am an alcoholic. This was about 5 years ago and even I could not stop at this time, it helped me in the long term. Again this is for me only. So maybe you can write a letter or have a talk, but I would not expect much and this person will definitly not like you for doing this
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 39
Oh the irony
As someone who is 4 hours old to this site and I've recently decided I'm probably an alcoholic and I'm not yet ready to stop drinking but want to be, let me tell me my experience that's remarkably similar to yours.
My best friend in the world. My confidant. The brother I never had. The man who lived with me and hung out with me every day of every week of every year is an alcoholic. He's been an alcoholic for about four or five years probably.
About three years ago we started living together and we'd go out and drink on the weekends and all that. never much drinking at home though. We were social drinkers. Then he started drinking at home. Rum and cokes or bottles of wine. Anyway, it started to put a wedge in our friendship. I wasn't yet drinking at home or even on weekdays. Eventually he started drinking and driving regularly. After several months of this I woke up one morning to the police pounding on my door wanting to know whose car was out front. He had driven home at 6AM drunk off his ass and has slammed into the back of a cement trunk on our street. Naturally the cops had followed the oil spill back to my house and seen the destroyed car parked out front and knocked on my door. I went in to wake him up to tell him he had to deal with this ****. He was almost totally unconscious. Eventually I got him up and out the door and the police immediately handcuffed him and took him in.
A few weeks later I realized that not only did this NOT curb his drinking but he'd continued on in the exact same fashion as before and his parents were about to replace his old car with a new one. I decided pretty quickly that I had to tell his parents. We had a great relationship but I knew the drinking and driving thing was no good. Alcoholic or not, don't drink and drive. Add to that that his brother is an alcoholic who'd been busted for DUI so many times he'd lost his license and his dad was driving him to work every day and I knew I had to to something so I called his parents. I found out he'd lied to them about the accident and they had no idea that he had been drunk. They were incredibly nice and grateful to me. They were very concerned. But they still bought him a car and gave it to him. Knowing he was a full blown alcoholic who had no intentions of admitting it or fixing it.
Shortly after this my friend moved out. I cut all ties with him telling him that I wasn't going to watch him drink himself to death (ironic since I've been sitting around getting hammered for the past several months, I know.) But I told him that our friendship is worth his life. If I could get him to stop drinking by making him friendless than I would. Unfortunately he had plenty of enablers around to buy him shots. A year on and now he's a bartender.
I don't regret a thing I did and I know that one day we will be friends again. In hindsight I wouldn't have done a thing differently but know that when you do it it might not make an immediate difference. Be prepared for a lot of anger if they find out but do it with concern and love for your friend and I think, like my friend, things might work out later. But you can't save other people. You can only be their friend enough to not be their friend when they want to ruin their lives.
My best friend in the world. My confidant. The brother I never had. The man who lived with me and hung out with me every day of every week of every year is an alcoholic. He's been an alcoholic for about four or five years probably.
About three years ago we started living together and we'd go out and drink on the weekends and all that. never much drinking at home though. We were social drinkers. Then he started drinking at home. Rum and cokes or bottles of wine. Anyway, it started to put a wedge in our friendship. I wasn't yet drinking at home or even on weekdays. Eventually he started drinking and driving regularly. After several months of this I woke up one morning to the police pounding on my door wanting to know whose car was out front. He had driven home at 6AM drunk off his ass and has slammed into the back of a cement trunk on our street. Naturally the cops had followed the oil spill back to my house and seen the destroyed car parked out front and knocked on my door. I went in to wake him up to tell him he had to deal with this ****. He was almost totally unconscious. Eventually I got him up and out the door and the police immediately handcuffed him and took him in.
A few weeks later I realized that not only did this NOT curb his drinking but he'd continued on in the exact same fashion as before and his parents were about to replace his old car with a new one. I decided pretty quickly that I had to tell his parents. We had a great relationship but I knew the drinking and driving thing was no good. Alcoholic or not, don't drink and drive. Add to that that his brother is an alcoholic who'd been busted for DUI so many times he'd lost his license and his dad was driving him to work every day and I knew I had to to something so I called his parents. I found out he'd lied to them about the accident and they had no idea that he had been drunk. They were incredibly nice and grateful to me. They were very concerned. But they still bought him a car and gave it to him. Knowing he was a full blown alcoholic who had no intentions of admitting it or fixing it.
Shortly after this my friend moved out. I cut all ties with him telling him that I wasn't going to watch him drink himself to death (ironic since I've been sitting around getting hammered for the past several months, I know.) But I told him that our friendship is worth his life. If I could get him to stop drinking by making him friendless than I would. Unfortunately he had plenty of enablers around to buy him shots. A year on and now he's a bartender.
I don't regret a thing I did and I know that one day we will be friends again. In hindsight I wouldn't have done a thing differently but know that when you do it it might not make an immediate difference. Be prepared for a lot of anger if they find out but do it with concern and love for your friend and I think, like my friend, things might work out later. But you can't save other people. You can only be their friend enough to not be their friend when they want to ruin their lives.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 39
Of course I'm far from an expert. I can't even get my **** together. But, having been through what you're going through I can say that I'm happy I did the little that I could. I'm happy that I know that if something bad happens to him then I did what was in my power to do. What he does is his decision. As a friend, I did what I could do.
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