Could use some advice on parenting an adult child.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Could use some advice on parenting an adult child.
Long post - sorry, it's complicated.
In December of this last year my son who is 26 contacted me asking for my help. He had no job, no car and nowhere to live. He needed help. We talked and I agreed to let him move in with me for a few months so he could get back on his feet. He has alcoholism - which I knew about previously.
A bit of history on him first - before I talk about my quandary.
He was a good child. He was born with a limb defect. He is missing one of his hands. He seemed to handle it OK, was very athletic and good in school… up to about 14 years old. Between 14 and 16, he became a very rebellious teenager, truant from school, using drugs and in with a bad crowd of friends. It seemed the more I tried "tough love" with him, the worse he became - he was an out of control teenager. He ran away from home when he was 16, and was actually sent to a juvenile detention prison for about 9 months at about age 17. During the time he was a runaway he got into lots of trouble and spent most of his 17th year in that detention facility because of it. He was released shortly before his 18th birthday, and after that I had very little contact with him… his choice. He continued with the wrong crowd, no direction in his life, drugs and alcohol became a daily habit for him.He's spent lots of time in jail over the past 10 years, for things like drunken driving, possession of drugs and paraphernalia – to disorderly conduct, battery to an officer, bad debts and on and on.
At about age 23, we began to have some contact again. Our relationship was strained, but I took what I could get with the contact, happy to have at least that - and tried to advise him when asked - but never crossed the line of interfering with his life. He was an adult by legal measures. With the contact, I was then more informed of his trials and troubles, and also more aware of his addictions. Hard to witness, and very hard not to step in and make an attempt to make it better - as we parents like to be able to do. Our kids are always our kids no matter how old they are… but I didn't. All too familiar with alcoholism - his father was a full-blown one - I knew it was best to let him face the music rather than enable him.
Fast forward to the present. He is now living here in my home, along with his girlfriend, and large dog that came with him. I wasn't keen on the live-in girlfriend, I'm from an era where people get engaged, and don't live together before marriage - but I tolerated it, and was told by both of them it would only be temporary - for a few months until they could get some money saved, and that they'd help me with housework, meals and chores in return. I said OK, because I wanted to help him. I am putting his younger brother through college right now and felt I could do this for my older son to help him perhaps get on the right tract.
Well, it's been nearly 5 months. He's on probation, and has been serving a "house arrest" for several of the months - so finding a job was difficult… and combine the terrible economy - there aren't many jobs to be found for even skilled people. (I also lost my job early in the year due to the economy which also placed an additional burden on me financially and emotionally). He's done lots of work here at home, pitched in with chores, helped with meals.. but his girlfriend is the laziest person I have ever seen in my life - and I have told my son my feelings about that.
I have the opinion that she is much like his dog to him… a companion of some sort. They fight a lot, and she is very needy. She couldn't make it on her own…She works a pt job as a kitchen prep person, and has at most 10-15 hours a week of work. Minimum wage. I've provided transportation for her hours and appts. he has had with the courts/probation officers, counseling and AA meetings. Lots of my $ spent on gas - which is a strain on my budget with unemployment. I recently discovered that she spends most of her paycheck on candy and cigarettes… she contributes nothing to the meals, rent , nor lifts a finger to pitch in to help out. She's about as worthless as his dog as I see it, and is dragging him down. BTW…His dog does not get along with my dogs, and has actually started fights with several of them… so I've taken to separating them into different rooms to avoid conflicts. Just another stressor. My dogs are older, and quite frankly are remarkable in the fact that they've tolerated this large intruder into their peaceful home. My son does not want to part with his dog, as I have suggested. It would be much easier for him to find an apt. without a dog. I have told him this, but also told him I do not want the dog, nor will I foster it.
My son has now decided that he'd like to go back to school and learn a trade. He wants to start in the fall, and I have encouraged him to follow through with this - I think it is good for him to do. He's attending AA and goes to counseling weekly, and seems to be doing quite well overall. He has his bad days, and I often feel his behavior is that of a teenager - but I think that is common for someone who's been lost in the depths of addiction for 10 years of his young adult life. He has been sober, and is tested daily to ensure that sobriety.
He knows I am eager for them to "move on" - I have told him that point blank… stating it is not healthy for their "relationship" to be living under his mother's roof. He agrees, and tells me they are seeking an apt., but he needs to find work to support them, her wage doesn't amount to enough. He knows that I don't like her, but we don't discuss it. She also knows that I do not approve of her.. or her living here, and her lack of any manner of contribution to the household. She and I have very few words. I mostly just ingnore her. I feel she is a parasite, and he's allowing her to take advantage. IMO, she's just another one of his pets to be blunt! But I don't say much to him about it, as I feel it is not my business or responsibility.
So, I went into this with the intention of helping my son, and I don't know if I am doing the right thing after all. I really don't know what to do at this point to make changes in this situation. I want my life back. But I want to help my son at least get on the right tract, get an education and a future.
I could use some advice!
In December of this last year my son who is 26 contacted me asking for my help. He had no job, no car and nowhere to live. He needed help. We talked and I agreed to let him move in with me for a few months so he could get back on his feet. He has alcoholism - which I knew about previously.
A bit of history on him first - before I talk about my quandary.
He was a good child. He was born with a limb defect. He is missing one of his hands. He seemed to handle it OK, was very athletic and good in school… up to about 14 years old. Between 14 and 16, he became a very rebellious teenager, truant from school, using drugs and in with a bad crowd of friends. It seemed the more I tried "tough love" with him, the worse he became - he was an out of control teenager. He ran away from home when he was 16, and was actually sent to a juvenile detention prison for about 9 months at about age 17. During the time he was a runaway he got into lots of trouble and spent most of his 17th year in that detention facility because of it. He was released shortly before his 18th birthday, and after that I had very little contact with him… his choice. He continued with the wrong crowd, no direction in his life, drugs and alcohol became a daily habit for him.He's spent lots of time in jail over the past 10 years, for things like drunken driving, possession of drugs and paraphernalia – to disorderly conduct, battery to an officer, bad debts and on and on.
At about age 23, we began to have some contact again. Our relationship was strained, but I took what I could get with the contact, happy to have at least that - and tried to advise him when asked - but never crossed the line of interfering with his life. He was an adult by legal measures. With the contact, I was then more informed of his trials and troubles, and also more aware of his addictions. Hard to witness, and very hard not to step in and make an attempt to make it better - as we parents like to be able to do. Our kids are always our kids no matter how old they are… but I didn't. All too familiar with alcoholism - his father was a full-blown one - I knew it was best to let him face the music rather than enable him.
Fast forward to the present. He is now living here in my home, along with his girlfriend, and large dog that came with him. I wasn't keen on the live-in girlfriend, I'm from an era where people get engaged, and don't live together before marriage - but I tolerated it, and was told by both of them it would only be temporary - for a few months until they could get some money saved, and that they'd help me with housework, meals and chores in return. I said OK, because I wanted to help him. I am putting his younger brother through college right now and felt I could do this for my older son to help him perhaps get on the right tract.
Well, it's been nearly 5 months. He's on probation, and has been serving a "house arrest" for several of the months - so finding a job was difficult… and combine the terrible economy - there aren't many jobs to be found for even skilled people. (I also lost my job early in the year due to the economy which also placed an additional burden on me financially and emotionally). He's done lots of work here at home, pitched in with chores, helped with meals.. but his girlfriend is the laziest person I have ever seen in my life - and I have told my son my feelings about that.
I have the opinion that she is much like his dog to him… a companion of some sort. They fight a lot, and she is very needy. She couldn't make it on her own…She works a pt job as a kitchen prep person, and has at most 10-15 hours a week of work. Minimum wage. I've provided transportation for her hours and appts. he has had with the courts/probation officers, counseling and AA meetings. Lots of my $ spent on gas - which is a strain on my budget with unemployment. I recently discovered that she spends most of her paycheck on candy and cigarettes… she contributes nothing to the meals, rent , nor lifts a finger to pitch in to help out. She's about as worthless as his dog as I see it, and is dragging him down. BTW…His dog does not get along with my dogs, and has actually started fights with several of them… so I've taken to separating them into different rooms to avoid conflicts. Just another stressor. My dogs are older, and quite frankly are remarkable in the fact that they've tolerated this large intruder into their peaceful home. My son does not want to part with his dog, as I have suggested. It would be much easier for him to find an apt. without a dog. I have told him this, but also told him I do not want the dog, nor will I foster it.
My son has now decided that he'd like to go back to school and learn a trade. He wants to start in the fall, and I have encouraged him to follow through with this - I think it is good for him to do. He's attending AA and goes to counseling weekly, and seems to be doing quite well overall. He has his bad days, and I often feel his behavior is that of a teenager - but I think that is common for someone who's been lost in the depths of addiction for 10 years of his young adult life. He has been sober, and is tested daily to ensure that sobriety.
He knows I am eager for them to "move on" - I have told him that point blank… stating it is not healthy for their "relationship" to be living under his mother's roof. He agrees, and tells me they are seeking an apt., but he needs to find work to support them, her wage doesn't amount to enough. He knows that I don't like her, but we don't discuss it. She also knows that I do not approve of her.. or her living here, and her lack of any manner of contribution to the household. She and I have very few words. I mostly just ingnore her. I feel she is a parasite, and he's allowing her to take advantage. IMO, she's just another one of his pets to be blunt! But I don't say much to him about it, as I feel it is not my business or responsibility.
So, I went into this with the intention of helping my son, and I don't know if I am doing the right thing after all. I really don't know what to do at this point to make changes in this situation. I want my life back. But I want to help my son at least get on the right tract, get an education and a future.
I could use some advice!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
My initial thought, which may not (probably not) be helpful is that you can tell your son that you would like to help him but things can not continue like this. You support his efforts to go to school and he can stay with you for x amount of time longer if he is in school and continues to do his share at home - but the girlfriend and dog both need to be gone at the end of May (or whenever).
They all leave, which is one kind of win.
He prioritizes school and stays a bit longer, and the other two leave, which is a different kind of win.
Both control your space and support, without telling him what to do or controlling his choices.
I totally do not envy parents of adults. I have a hard enough time with little ones.
They all leave, which is one kind of win.
He prioritizes school and stays a bit longer, and the other two leave, which is a different kind of win.
Both control your space and support, without telling him what to do or controlling his choices.
I totally do not envy parents of adults. I have a hard enough time with little ones.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I think there are a few boundaries that you could stand to put in place.
One, the dog, another the girlfriend contributes to household expenses, and keeping house.
It does not have to be a confrontation. If they dont like it they can leave.
This is your life. You can make clear boundaries about what is acceptable.
He is your son, and you are offering him(and his girlfriend and his dog) a place to BE.
They will not find that comfort elsewhere, and they can earn that...'And if they can find it elsewhere without the simple boundaries you have , then let them do that.
One, the dog, another the girlfriend contributes to household expenses, and keeping house.
It does not have to be a confrontation. If they dont like it they can leave.
This is your life. You can make clear boundaries about what is acceptable.
He is your son, and you are offering him(and his girlfriend and his dog) a place to BE.
They will not find that comfort elsewhere, and they can earn that...'And if they can find it elsewhere without the simple boundaries you have , then let them do that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You already know the answer. Letting him move in didn't' help him. It sheilded him from suffering the consequences of his actions.
It's your house. You dont' have to let her, or the dog, live there. That said, there is only one thing to do and as I said before you already know the answer. You set a date by which he has to move out. You enforce that date. He will not move out. He will test your boundary to see if you have the resolve.
If you fail to enforce it he will know everything he needs to know about how to manipulate you and you are in for a long and miserable time with your son, that woman, and that dog.
You already know it was a huge mistake to let him move in in the first place. Huge. Learn from it and don't repeat it.
I'm sorry.
Cyranoak
It's your house. You dont' have to let her, or the dog, live there. That said, there is only one thing to do and as I said before you already know the answer. You set a date by which he has to move out. You enforce that date. He will not move out. He will test your boundary to see if you have the resolve.
If you fail to enforce it he will know everything he needs to know about how to manipulate you and you are in for a long and miserable time with your son, that woman, and that dog.
You already know it was a huge mistake to let him move in in the first place. Huge. Learn from it and don't repeat it.
I'm sorry.
Cyranoak
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