theuncertainty

What a great way to spend Friday night; WTH am I doing? So, as I think back to the h-ll the last part of life connected to XAH was, more questions surface.... Some things are clicking.... And yet I still wonder if I just want something to be wrong with him-if I'm just so mad at him that I'm reaching and reading into things.....

• XAH freaked out when I found out I was pregnant (miscarriage before DS) and he admitted to steroid use when playing rugby and "a little longer".
• Turns out XAH 'took home' about $37,000 a year for the job he had.
• He spent EVERY thing he made on nothing tangible other than occasional steaks for himself and a few games, and contributed nothing to our household expenses, and he also spent part (most) of mine before I took him off my accounts.
• $37,000+ a year. Gone. All on vodka? Seems like a lot of vodka....
• XAH's friends use, I know that, I just don' t know what. What I walked in on wasn't the afterglow of alcohol, but I don't know what it was. Maybe pot, but there was no MJ smell.
• 'Our' friend that XAH couch surfed with drinks and uses various drugs.
• XAH pretended to have cancer, oxy is sometimes prescribed to cancer patients??
• GF works at a hospital and is friends with the 'afterglow' party.
• In the one letter he wrote to DS and I while in rehab, he singled out oxy users as people he was talking with.
• During the trial, he said he'd 'lived off and on with GF for X months', the attorney asked so how long since you were off? Off what? was the response he gave.

Stretching. Thin. Am I connecting cr-p things here? Some of the symptoms I attributed to alcoholism and plain old bad health could have been related to oxy use, maybe? Problems breathing, dizziness, clammy skin, tired, coughing, nausea, vomitting, diarrhea, shakes.

I don't know. Any thoughts? 37,000+ a year seems like a lot of vodka, thats like $700 a week. Not possible is it?

Good god, guys, I'm stuck here. Why does it matter? He's X AH. I'm just wondering how stupid was I? For just how long? Can I really blame his GF and sister for being blind and trusting when I did for years?

lillamy

Um... (((hugs))) I think it sounds like you've probably got good circumstantial evidence there, but I also think that doesn't really matter for your recovery? *ducking*

And I know I know I know. I'm doing it, too (except in my case it's "I wonder what mental health diagnosis he is self-medicating?").

Either way, it doesn't change who you are. It doesn't change the fact that you are out of the marriage technically and legally. Now, for the issue of getting the marriage out of you... :ghug3

I also do the "how stupid was I to not see that" stuff to myself. It's so hard to let it go. It doesn't matter how stupid we were. Now we know better, and we do better. And as for other people's blindness? Boy oh boy if we only had power over that... *sigh*

bookwyrm

Forgive yourself. You were conned by a master manipulator who had worked out how to keep you off centre, unbalanced and in a fog. It is only now, that you're living away from the madness that you can start to see through the fog you were living in to the reality. His sister and GF are still blundering about in the fog. Reading your post reminded me of the chapter on abusive men and their allies in "Why Does he Do That?" - his new GF has a hard road ahead of her, one that you have had a taste of.

I realise you're in a more difficult situation than I am. You share a DS. Being NC with XAH means I don't know what he's doing, where he and the OW are etc. You don't have that luxury. You're kept informed of XAH and his GF's situation and are reminded of him regularly which must make it difficult to let go.

Realising the abuse and manipulation in my marriage to XAH (over a year afterwards) made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I'm not stupid. So why couldn't I see what was happening in front of me?

At this point I have to step back and consciously stop myself beating myself up and try to forgive myself. Hindsight is always going to be 20/20. I just have to let it go. Forgiving myself is really hard - I am my own worst critic - but being aware of the way my thoughts are going and realising that I was manipulated, confused and well and truly in denial and that now I can see clearly doesn't make me stupid. I am only human. I look at what happened in my marriage in a whole new way now. I'm learning, painful as it is, and seeing things as they really were. Avoiding self blame isn't easy but it is necessary!

As someone else posted on another thread, it is what it is - for me, I can amend that to it was what it was. Be kind to yourself.

Thumper

You already know he's an addict, he squandered money, disregarded his responsibility to family, doesn't seem to care, and is shady.

Obsessing over the details takes up to much time and energy. It sucks our serenity. It keeps us stuck back there, instead of right here - in today - making the most of what we worked so hard to get.

Is there an activity you can fully engage in or a new tape to 'say in your head' that will get your thoughts away from that rabbit hole?

Buffalo66

I get this, pretty strongly.

When my A was using alcohol and actively running around, he was able to work for 5 months. 5 months in 6 years!

Anyway, he also blew through money like I dont know what...
Then, early last year, when I was confused enough to let him try livning with us while active, he was on Unemployment. It was not a ton of money, but, it was enough to pay his share of expenses, plus plenty more.
He would give me $400, then borrow back $30, $60, $20, as needed for his beer needs.

He was spending $22/day on a 30 pack, lying that it would last for 3 days(never did, hence the borrowing back), then he would spend $6.50/day on cigarettes.
didnt eat ,much...

This was $855/month.

Yes. for beer.
It is possible. And if you throw cocaine into the mix, which mine never did, but, you get the idea. Addiction is expensive.

As far as the other lies...You could drive yourself mad trying to decode the actions of an active user.

They lie, and they lie to themselves, and they act in blackout mode, which means there could be whole nights of interactions, etc, that they may never remember, and that you will never figure out.

Mine is struggling with some of that, now, since he has chosen to spend time in/around his old stomping grounds.

He owes people money, he hit on women, he left people in the lurch...and so much he has no recollection of.

The stuff he does remember he doesnt want to.

There are pictures and videos of him wearing clothes he has no idea where they came from.
I remember those times as painful times for me, when he would resurface wearing some obviously womans shirt, or even jeans...(he was painfully thin).
HE doesnt remember them at all, mostly.

It cant be helpful to try to figure it out.
I am currently processing through a particularly nasty snarl of resentment about these unanswered things.

fourmaggie

FORGIVE yourself....is right on...!!! It's hard, but needs to be done....If our HP can forgive us, why cant we?

theuncertainty

It's amazing that the fog keeps creeping back. I'm reading and processing, truly. And I appreciate everyone taking the time to read and share. DS gets picked up in about an hour, I need to get us both ready.

theuncertainty

I am working very hard to forgive myself for staying, but I realize I have a long way to go. I still think of it as stuff I 'let' him do to me and DS.

I'm still stuck. I know this has nothing to do with my recovery. It's hindering any progress right now. I'm stuck so I'm writing.

$700 a week is about 15 handles of vodka a week, that's 2+ handles of vodka a day.... That's not possible is it? I don't know if I want that number to be accurate or if I want to believe he is into other stuff...

I just really want to say: he's an alcoholic, I believe he at least uses other substances, I know he's abusive and a r* and a liar and a cheater. And I hate him. I hate that DS comes home from his visits with his father and smells like him.

Where do I go from here?

lillamy

You're making me cry before breakfast, because this sounds so familiar.

Where do we go from here? Deep breaths, and ten minutes at a time. I like the "Just for Today" that reads:
For me, I tend to want everything solved NOW. I'm impatient. I want to know how the story ends and that it has a happy ending. If I only know it does, I can sit through the pain mid-story.

So for me, letting it go, breathing deeply, and going about my business, step by step, is helpful.

I think I've told the story before -- I heard it at some women's conference -- about a woman suffering from depression who wanted to do big things for God, like become a missionary in China. She prayed and prayed and she said when she finally heard God speak to her, he said, "Make your bed."

I think about that a lot when I'm scared and overwhelmed and want everything finished. That I can't finish it all on my own, because I don't have control over it all. I am going to have to hand that over to someone that does. And in the meantime, I can make my bed. Scrub my kitchen floor. Go for a walk at lunch with a friend. And not try to solve all the problems at once.

Take good care of yourself. (((hugs)))

GettingBy

You have to learn to let go... the anger and hurt and resentments are going to eat you alive if you don't. You have to stop analyzing the drinking and the things that happened in the past. They are NEVER going to add up or make sense... trying to get them to do that is a big fat waste of your time and energy.

You need to get back to living today... here... now. Enjoy your life and find gratitude in all the simple blessings around you.

If it were me, and my child came home smelling like something that irritated me... I would make bathtime a ritual upon return! Make it fun for him. And wash all the clothes... and don't do it because you're mad or hate XAH... do it because it protects YOUR serenity.

Be patient and kind to yourself. I agree with Lillamy...


Just for today.

Tuffgirl

Maybe treat this as a really good but very painful lesson learned. Life lessons are always painful. But you have a chance to now move forward with the knowledge of what you won't seek out next time. The little red flags to look out for. Sometimes re-framing it that way allows us to process it and then let it go.

I don't know how to respond to the financial questions, except that if you have a suspicion you are probably correct.

sandrawg

Wow-that hit the nail on the head. You can be out of the marriage/relationship, but you have to get the marriage/relationship out of you.

theuncertainty

Yeah, Lillamy. I want everything okay NOW. Fix it NOW. Make it right, NOW. Finish this up now, because I don't want it just sitting around gathering dust... And to be truthful, I know he's going to relapse again, if he hasn't already, and I just want to know about it NOW. I find myself just waiting for the other shoe to drop like it always does with him and mean while, I'm letting other things pass me by.



So this weekend, I've picked up several books from the library and bought a couple from the store, to see what the LSAT test is like. Little whispers in the back of my head, that sound remarkably (or not so remarkably, but predictably) like XAH, tell me that I can't do it, I can't even score well on the LSAT, so why even consider law school. That was what actually motivated me to pick up the books: f- you XAH, I AM smart enough to do this - at least I'm going to try.

Thanks, All. The next step is to pencil out the numbers and see if it even makes sense to try to buy a home (my other wish-list item) before looking at law school, because I'd have to go out of state to do so....

Danae

What a wonderful story! It applies to so many things. Thanks Lillamy