CanfixONLYme

I thought I'd start a new thread because now my AH left treatment this morning and said he's never going to another rehab again. It just broke my heart because he only had 2 more months and then he would have had his family (and me) back.

Thanks to all of you for posting in my other thread - I do think that particular program was a bit ineffective, but, I also believe that if my AH really wanted to get better, he would have made it work (ie: work on his steps, concentrate on what he needed to work on AFTER treatment, meditate, ask to help out more etc.). Instead, he just said he was "bored" there and yes, he did say it was like prison. He then said this helper blatantly lied about him leaving (he said he was just putting a 'suggestion' out and no one looked at it and had no intention of actually leaving soon. His rationalizing why he left just pissed me off even more... always some excuse with him (and it's always someone's fault... that he was wronged somehow)...(head shake).

I told him that I didn't want anything to do with him unless he got treatment and went back on his meds. He was furious at first and said he was coming by to get the rest of his things (just random stuff which he didn't need) and I wouldn't see him again.

He came by (which I was dreading he would) and said he would leave as soon as he got his stuff. I'm not afraid of him... he's an extremely docile guy even on drugs... so he came up and packed. He then started to cry and went into another room for a few minutes and asked me to give him a bit to regroup. He then came out again all red in the face and took everything to the car. This stuff he took was just 'junky' clothes etc., that he never wore. he took photos of him and his grandfather, some books and that was it.

He had $50 on him and his bank card (with only $60 in the account) and tried to give it to me saying that he didn't want me to think he was off using. I tried giving it back to him SEVERAL times during the 20 min he was here to which he adamantly refused. However at the end, before he drove off, he panicked and said he needed the $ and the card after all. Huh?!

He said he'd show me (and his family), that he'll be able to stay sober, get a job and be okay. He was stressing about the money we owe for taxes but I shook my head and said that we could work it out... that he didn't have any faith in the 'process' and leaving was the worst thing he could have done. I reiterated that he could have had his life back if he would had stayed there and he just said that it was a terrible place and that it doesn't matter anymore.

He tried to guilt me saying that he's not surprised that his wife didn't have the grace (to let him stay home). I didn't react at all to that - I said I loved him but he needed to get back into treatment and sort himself out... that being here at home was the WORST thing for him AND me... and did he really care about how I felt about all this? He replied that what I was doing was not love at all... and then proceeded to get teary again. That made me really mad, but I kept it to myself again not letting him see that he was upsetting me.

He then quipped that I was the one who was dictating what he should/shouldn't do and that he was never going back to rehab because it doesn't work for him. I just don't get that at all --- he's an absolute terror when he's 'out' in the free world. He has no self discipline, no sense of responsibility... I would THINK that's why rehab places exist... to help people out. Here in BC (Canada), there's a few places that the govt helps pay for but they are minimal help at best (like the one he was just at).

When we had some cash, I tried getting him into a very expensive place (almost 8k a month!) he went, stayed for 3 days and then left... and man, that was a great place.

I really feel I made the best decision to say no to him coming home. I feel a bit sick wondering where he's going and what he's going to do, but man, if I had let him come home, it would have turned into a nightmare. It would have been the biggest enabling thing ever for me and going against what I was touting when he was in treatment. My credibility would have been shot to hell.

My AH has absolutely nothing to his name, except the clothes on his back and a car worth $2,000. He has no support (family has now told him to feck off), I have set my boundaries and he has no friends at all. How is he going to show his family he can 'make it' when he got these negative things stacked against him? How can anyone 'succeed' like that?! I can only envision it getting really bad for him... not better.

I'm worried he may try to take his own life... I was thinking about that quite a bit today but I've got to practice my own program, focus on my own life and start moving on without him. If he does decide to finally get help I'll be in his life again, but not until then. And if he does decide to end his life, I can't do anything about that either, but I just don't want to go there ever... I pray that it never happens.

What pisses me off though is the way he's OKAY with me suffering mentally over all this. He wants me to feel so bad for him that I'll give in and let him come home but he doesn't care how I've been worried, my troubles at school (concentrating because of him!), my issues or anything. To me, he just doesn't really care about me or his family... and that he's NOT going to get a job and show us anything... because if he was committed to being clean and sober, he'd have a more repentant attitude and do all what he could to salvage and save his relationships and marriage!! Don't you think!?

Question: Am I totally out to lunch though in telling him it's treatment and meds or no relationship with me at all? He's an addict... he hasn't sorted through his problems. He can't handle stress, he knows almost all the AA/NA stuff but has never practiced it. Doesn't treatment help one do that??? Being home (I've given in 3x before) just made things worse.

Oh man, this just sucks.

laurie6781

No you are NOT 'totally out to lunch.' Far from it. You have done what is best for both of you. Good job sticking to YOUR boundaries!!!!!!!!!! I know it was hard, but boy you did good!!!!!

As far as treatment 'helping' one to use the 'tools'. Nope, not unless the individual is COMMITTED to recovery. Obviously he is not, YET.

Maybe, living on the streets, out of his car, going to homeless shelters, getting the 'free' mills at the mission, etc just might be the thing that finally makes him WANT recovery, and maybe not. Only time will tell.

It took me living on the streets of Hollywood for 1 and a half years, (I would pass out in my old junker car, parked at the back of the Hollywood Bowl Park Parking lot, as most homeless shelters did not allow women) to FINALLY decide I wanted to live and not die and I wanted to live sober. And yes, I M H O it is harder in many respects for a female living on the streets than it is a male.

So ........................... try not to obsess over how he is doing. Continue to work on you, you are doing great, even though you may not think so.

Love and hugs,

CanfixONLYme

Wow, thanks Laurie for that inspiring answer. It was hard to give him the heave-ho, but I kept it light, made like I didn't really care he was taking his things and even helped him pack ("Oh, let me get a bag for you to carry all that in"). Seriously.

It was only after he left, I went for a walk with my friend's dog and came home to have it all sink in. I'm exhausted and want to cry my eyes out but I am still glad I didn't let him stay.

He's never had to live on the streets before... he's always had someone bailing him out of his troubles but with his aunt dying last year (she was his biggest enabler... a great lady tho... but man, a BIG enabler), he has nothing to fall back on.

And you seemed to have walked in the deepest trenches with your story. Wow... you should be very proud of what you have accomplished thus far. Thanks for sharing that.

My biggest codie behaviour is obsessive worrying... and with my AH, it's full blown crazy thoughts. I am however learning to reign it back onto MY program of codie recovery and life and not obsess because it never has helped one bit. Never. What a waste of emotion man. sigh.

I hope you have a great long weekend!

Eddiebuckle

Help is the operative word here. You can't help someone who isn't making an effort in the first place.

Until your ex decides that HE has to change, nothing will change. That's what bottoms are about - they don't have to mean skid row or near death experiences. I put myself into rehab, payed 90%% of it myself (insurance covered about 3 of 25k), and still I had shadows of doubt.

It wasn't until the day that I left treatment that it really hit me... I was on my own. And having no better idea, and scared that I was going to go right back to where I left off, I went to an AA meeting the first morning I got home. Treatment counselors suggested 90 meetings in 90 days - I thought they were insane. I had a life to live! Turns out I went to 350+ meetings in the first year. But it only worked because I went to those meetings and (albeit slowly) got honest about who I was, what I did, and what I was willing to do to stay sober.

Until your ex runs out of better options or realizes that there are no options, he's probably not going to change. Nothing you or his family say is going to change that. He's got to get to that place where he's sure he's screwed unless he stops. Then he's got to make the effort, at which point "help" will help.

CanfixONLYme

Hi EB... thanks for your note. That's what perplexes me... in my mind, I don't see how my AH has ANY options at this point. If I think hard... maybe the car he has...? selling it for his habit? I dunno. Then he def. will have nothing and nobody.

Disappointing update: his mum just called me - said her stepdaughter saw him in a bar in Abbotsford (1.5 hours away from here) drinking... (head shake mixed with sadness)... He has a few drinks and then the crack cravings kick in...

just wished he would have proved us wrong... for once.

cristalyn

I'm sorry for your pain. (((hugs)))

CanfixONLYme

Man, I almost did a really stupid thing... I was THIS close in calling at the bar he was/is at... I knew I was feeling the obsessive FIX IT NOW ... CONTROL THE SITUATION... etc. so I called my friend instead. Phew. She knocked some loving sense into me over the phone. sigh.

What would I have gained from the call? Absolutely nothing. He would have known I knew he relapsed, but then he would have also known I was following up on him, that I am still obsessing and trying to control him and it could set him off to do even worse things.

I can't CONTROL him or CURE him (I already got the didn't cause it down so I'm good there) and I need to RELEASE my mind and move along...

peace to everyone this eve...

newnormal4me

I am so sorry. My story is similar, with the exception of ever attending a rehab. Tonight I am worried about him...he was acting suicidal. It is emotionally exhausting. I am amazed at your fortitude and wish I had just an ounce of it. Take care.

CanfixONLYme

Hi newnormal...

I've been through this for almost 3.5 years with him but it doesn't get any easier. I've just been able to hide it better. The biggest and hardest thing to do is 'detatch' (with love) but man, I've had that peace a few times now and it is really worth it to attain... to really try to get yourself into that place of "I can't do anything for him/her... I can't control them... I have to leave it in God's Hands to deal with now."

I'm freaking scared he's going to drink and drive this eve and either seriously hurt/kill himself or someone else. I'm afraid he's going to drive off a cliff somewhere and no one will find him in time (or at all). I'm afraid he's going to od, over-drink, get beaten up, and yes, even try to commit suicide--- but then I stop myself from obsessing on these 'fears' because I'm NOT God. I don't know what is going to happen and fearing these horrible outcomes isn't going to make them happen (or not)... so it's just wasted energy. This is the biggest thing I'm trying to work on. It takes a lifetime to perfect but I'm willing to give it a go .

If your loved one is hinting on being suicidal, is there any way for you to get him/her help... or do you think it's a tactic they are trying to use to get you to feel sorry for them? Maybe there's a family member that could help you get them help so you don't have to do it on your own?

Impurrfect

If you know where he is, and he threatens suicide, call 911. If he's serious, he'll get the help he needs. If he's just bluffing (playing on your sympathy) he'll be angry when the cops show up, but likely won't try THAT again.

I wouldn't worry about how he's gonna make it. I didn't even have a car...lived on the streets, prostituted myself for the money to buy crack, slept on porches, empty apts, etc., and spent some time in jail, lost a nursing career...you name it, I did it (except I never stole from anyone, other than "stealing" the peace of mind of my loved ones)

I have 4+ years of recovery from a very bad crack addiction, because the people who love me allowed me to wallow in my addiction, dig a deep hole, and find my own way back out. I will forever be grateful to them.

We A's are VERY resourceful at getting what we want, be it more drugs, or recovery.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

CanfixONLYme

Amy... YAY and and OMG!!!! That's awesome!!!! Congratulations! You should write a book. Seriously. Looks like you could have some really good/bad stories to share but with a very happy outcome so far!!!

Very proud of you. Way to go.

laurie6781

You know Can Fix, we A's as Amy says are very resourceful. Yes you are obsessing on what could or may happen. However, I have to tell you, that I could 'play' at being 'very pitiful' and 'helpless' when it was to my advantage, and I know many A's that have done the same.

However, kick us out, cut us off, and we do survive. Amy will back me up, we will do anything and I do mean anything, even when living on the streets, to get what we want, and what we want is our DOC, be it alcohol or drugs.

Heck, there was a gal I palled with for a bit, and we could get ourselves 'together' in the the late AM, early afternoon, and hit a residential neighborhood, knock on doors (this was in the Hollywood, West Hollywood area) and give a sad story about being at a party, our purses being stolen and we needed gas money to get back to Anaheim (orange county). In an hour or two we could and did collect several hundred dollars. Go rent a cheap, but fairly clean motel room off of Sunset boulevard for a week, go buy our booze and a bit to eat and 'lay up' for a week. Hot showers, wash our hair, wash our clothes, etc.

Yes we panhandled also and 'sold' ourselves if we had to. The point is, he has more 'abilities' than you are giving him credit for, expecially if it is to do what he wants, which is drink and drug or drug and drink.

We are extremely talented 'con artists', which does not necessasrily go away as soon as we find recovery. That's why a mentor or sponsor that will call us on our b.s. is so important in early recovery (up to 5 years or so, lol).

I share this, not because I really want cyber space to know some of the cr@p I pulled out there while using and drinking, but so you can see that your 'worry', your 'obsessing', your 'fears' are all energy that you can use for YOU instead.

Whether he makes it or not, it is HIS Choice.

As to that email from his cousin .................. that you posted in your other thread, I do believe your answer was perfect. The cousin just has no clue, and there again your AH has done the 'poor me' with the cousin.

As a bit of a side note, there was a stage actress, many many years ago, named Sarah Bernhardt. She could turn on the 'waterworks' at a moments notice. She was actually quite a good actress. From small child on, my mother used to call me Sarah Bernhardt. She swore I should have become an actress. Little did she know that in many ways I did, lol

Well ...................... that is what we A's do while practicing, we act. We can be anything, any one wants us to be for a short time, but then the facade starts to slip.

I cannot tell you how many times, in my many many years of recovery that I have had sponsees try and 'con' me in one way or another, and they are always surprised when I call them on it. You cannot con a con, lol

So, for now, come here, call that good friend that keeps you focused, try some AlAnon, and you will get through this.

We are here for you, we are with you in spirit. Anytime you start feeling this way, picture whatever room you are in at the moment FILLED with all of us here at SR (yep, quite a room full!). Believe it or not, it will help.

I apologize for the length of this post, but I do get 'wordy' sometimes, lmao

Hang in there, it does get better!!!!

Love and hugs,

CanfixONLYme

Thanks Laurie! I love your inspiring and uplifting posts.

NewNormal... just read your story blurb and man, you've been through the ringer yourself...

great to have people who are here to give wise words of wisdom, encouragement and positive affirmations. Thanks to all of you!!!

keepinon

Never worry about an addict not having options..they are 1000 times more resourceful than the average Joe.As you can see from the recovering A's on thissite..FEELING THE CONSEQUNCES OF THEIR ADDICTION is what motivates people to want to change.[I] cut my daugter loose @18 due to her addiction..she scraped and manipiulated,pawned,and stole, and whoknowswhat else..but really letting her wallow in the lifestyle is what led to her recovery..it gets old being hungry,cold,tired,sick,obsessed.

Nerdgirl

Trust that your higher power will take care of him while he's out there, because the HP will. Trust that your higher power will take care of you too, because the HP will.

Good for you, for calling your friend instead of the bar - just because he has relapsed doesn't mean you will too.

tam

canfixonlyme,
my ah left with little clothing, his car worth 4000.00 and 50.00 16 months ago, he sold his car for 2500.00 and made it through, well a little help from me with a court order (divorce) pre settlement..doesnt matter..he continues to live the way he wants to.
did I try to contact him? oh yeah, did I try to control it, oh yeah, did I worry..oh yeah!! big time.
he also would say he was suicidal, I would call the cops and they would respond and he would say he is fine. so that made me stop. I called his
dr.to tell him how drugged he was, how his behaviors were off the wall..
well, he kept getting more pills, so that made me stop. I oftenly would call where he lives to try to talk to him into rehab, he kept drugging saying the sam ole over and over again, so that made me stop. he lives less than 1/2 mile from our home and I have to go past his place every single day, I used to look and worry and almost stalk many months ago, but now I glance over and dont feel the same panic, worry or cry..
you will do these things until you get tired. you will do these things and hurt yourself , beat yourself up..then there will come a time when your so tired and worn out and might even be in a dark hole (I was) that you will reach out
for help. help for yourself..not for him.
Your going through what many of us have gone through and some might still be going through it, its the fight to let go.
You will start finding ways to life your life and recover from this..you will start
to let go and you will be okay..
we are here for you, keep seeking support, attend meetings,talk to your family and friends, reach out. keep YOURSELF busy and fight those urges...even if you fall off the horse, dont worry or be hard on yourself because that will happen..its part of OUR recovery..
hang in there, relax and rest when you need it..
sending you hugs!!!

keepinon

There is an Oprah quote that I love, actually a couple.."When people show you who they are ..BELIEVE them." and an Iyanla.."When you see crazy coming..cross the street."
By going to the bar after breaking the promise to you to stay for treatment..he is showing you exactly where he's at..believe his actions.
No matter what it's still hard, but he's making things pretty clear..

CanfixONLYme

There's an update on all this. My AH drove around all night in his car (boo hoo) and 'realized' that he can't live in his vehicle and BEGGED me if he could come home. Sobbed cried etc. - I went out to chat with him in his car and he saw that I was serious that he wasn't coming back home and that I was contemplating getting separation papers in order.

"Go back to treatment" and "Get back on your meds!" --- I told him that I was really disappointed that he went drinking last night and he looked at me not surprised as Jenn (his stepsister) and him chatted there. He said he wasn't proud of his old behavior ... and went to a Tim Hortons afterwards for a few hours to sober up (I saw on his debit card stuff he was telling the truth).

He could have gone on crack bender that easily. Every time he's taken a drink in the past year, it's always ended up with a pipe in his mouth. So for that, i did tell him that I was proud he stopped. This is where my pride ceased tho because I went on for a good hour ragging on him (more for me than anything else I guess) .

Tam - you're right in that I'm still in this hole, though I do see it getting lighter... I'm still there. It was really the worst feeling to see him crying etc. but I said that I didn't feel sorry for him and that I was tired of it being everyone's fault except his own.

His aunt passed away last year and we are in the process of getting it cleaned up to be put on the market. All the money for that (thank goodness) will be going to her cousins in Brazil, so I'll only see some to cover estate and executor expenses. He hated going there because of all these unresolved issues he's had with not dealing with her death for so long, but I said that was the only solution for him at this time: stay there, get himself to meetings, get on his meds and go back to work. However, he's NOT coming home because I can't handle it and need to work on myself.

If he doesn't do these things above, he'll be escorted from the property by the police and I'll be filing for separation. I'm that serious. Her place is relatively sparce so there's nothing of value in there, but we cleaned it up nice and re-arranged the furniture etc.

We've set it up right now where we'll be in contact once a week and I can go over there ANYTIME to check up on him. I will be doing some 'surprise' visits that's for sure, BUT I've got to focus on school and my stuff here at home.

I'm relieved that he's not here... am I a total codie for being somewhat happy he's not on the street and is safe being at his aunts? Part of me thinks so... but part of me feels that it's what the process of letting go is all about.

Before, I would have let him come home (I have 3x before). Now, I've set a firm boundary of NO ENTRY when USING.

With him being at his aunts... he may very well start using again - then I have to step in and affirm that boundary again (kick him out). He did say that if he started to use, he'd go back to treatment... but quacking never has gotten him anywhere but trouble. sigh.

I haven't slept in about 20 hours, so I'm off to bed. It's a beautiful day here in BC and I'm too knackered to enjoy it. Have a fun and safe weekend everyone,

newnormal4me

Can, regardless of how you feel, I think you are doing pretty darn good. Making those types of decisions while facing off with him is not easy. You are doing great.

.."When you see crazy coming..cross the street."
Keepinon, this HAS to become my new motto. I must stay away from crazy! I might have to write this one up a few times and tape it all around - on my bathroom mirror, on my dashboard, etc. Thanks for sharing that!

CanfixONLYme

Thanks New... that means a lot. I hope you have a good rest of the weekend without stress, strife and sass (well the last one, only from you is allowed!).