I thought I'd start a new thread because now my AH left treatment this morning and said he's never going to another rehab again. It just broke my heart because he only had 2 more months and then he would have had his family (and me) back.
Thanks to all of you for posting in my other thread - I do think that particular program was a bit ineffective, but, I also believe that if my AH really wanted to get better, he would have made it work (ie: work on his steps, concentrate on what he needed to work on AFTER treatment, meditate, ask to help out more etc.). Instead, he just said he was "bored" there and yes, he did say it was like prison. He then said this helper blatantly lied about him leaving (he said he was just putting a 'suggestion' out and no one looked at it and had no intention of actually leaving soon. His rationalizing why he left just pissed me off even more... always some excuse with him (and it's always someone's fault... that he was wronged somehow)...(head shake).
I told him that I didn't want anything to do with him unless he got treatment and went back on his meds. He was furious at first and said he was coming by to get the rest of his things (just random stuff which he didn't need) and I wouldn't see him again.
He came by (which I was dreading he would) and said he would leave as soon as he got his stuff. I'm not afraid of him... he's an extremely docile guy even on drugs... so he came up and packed. He then started to cry and went into another room for a few minutes and asked me to give him a bit to regroup. He then came out again all red in the face and took everything to the car. This stuff he took was just 'junky' clothes etc., that he never wore. he took photos of him and his grandfather, some books and that was it.
He had $50 on him and his bank card (with only $60 in the account) and tried to give it to me saying that he didn't want me to think he was off using. I tried giving it back to him SEVERAL times during the 20 min he was here to which he adamantly refused. However at the end, before he drove off, he panicked and said he needed the $ and the card after all.
Huh?!
He said he'd show me (and his family), that he'll be able to stay sober, get a job and be okay. He was stressing about the money we owe for taxes but I shook my head and said that we could work it out... that he didn't have any faith in the 'process' and leaving was the worst thing he could have done. I reiterated that he could have had his life back if he would had stayed there and he just said that it was a terrible place and that it doesn't matter anymore.
He tried to guilt me saying that he's not surprised that his wife didn't have the grace (to let him stay home). I didn't react at all to that - I said I loved him but he needed to get back into treatment and sort himself out... that being here at home was the WORST thing for him AND me... and did he really care about how I felt about all this? He replied that what I was doing was not love at all... and then proceeded to get teary again. That made me really mad, but I kept it to myself again not letting him see that he was upsetting me.
He then quipped that I was the one who was dictating what he should/shouldn't do and that he was never going back to rehab because it doesn't work for him. I just don't get that at all --- he's an absolute terror when he's 'out' in the free world. He has no self discipline, no sense of responsibility... I would THINK that's why rehab places exist... to help people out. Here in BC (Canada), there's a few places that the govt helps pay for but they are minimal help at best (like the one he was just at).
When we had some cash, I tried getting him into a very expensive place (almost 8k a month!) he went, stayed for 3 days and then left... and man, that was a great place.
I really feel I made the best decision to say no to him coming home. I feel a bit sick wondering where he's going and what he's going to do, but man, if I had let him come home, it would have turned into a nightmare. It would have been the biggest enabling thing ever for me and going against what I was touting when he was in treatment. My credibility would have been shot to hell.
My AH has absolutely nothing to his name, except the clothes on his back and a car worth $2,000. He has no support (family has now told him to feck off), I have set my boundaries and he has no friends at all. How is he going to show his family he can 'make it' when he got these negative things stacked against him? How can anyone 'succeed' like that?! I can only envision it getting really bad for him... not better.
I'm worried he may try to take his own life... I was thinking about that quite a bit today but I've got to practice my own program, focus on my own life and start moving on without him. If he does decide to finally get help I'll be in his life again, but not until then. And if he does decide to end his life, I can't do anything about that either, but I just don't want to go there ever... I pray that it never happens.
What pisses me off though is the way he's OKAY with me suffering mentally over all this. He wants me to feel so bad for him that I'll give in and let him come home but he doesn't care how I've been worried, my troubles at school (concentrating because of him!), my issues or anything. To me, he just doesn't really care about me or his family... and that he's NOT going to get a job and show us anything... because if he was committed to being clean and sober, he'd have a more repentant attitude and do all what he could to salvage and save his relationships and marriage!! Don't you think!?
Question: Am I totally out to lunch though in telling him it's treatment and meds or no relationship with me at all? He's an addict... he hasn't sorted through his problems. He can't handle stress, he knows almost all the AA/NA stuff but has never practiced it. Doesn't treatment help one do that??? Being home (I've given in 3x before) just made things worse.
Oh man, this just sucks.