Sylvie66

Well. Well, well, well.

My dad thought I was moving out on a whim because of conflicting schedules and poor communication. I said 'Dad, he's an alcoholic!' and he essentially said 'I hope you know what you're doing'.

Here is the email I got from my mom this morning:
God help me. My f*ing parents set me up to be codependent, and like a fool I've been buying into their sh*t my ENTIRE LIFE! I'm livid. And I'm too old for this - I'm almost 45! This is absurd. Yet I've done it again and again. So, sue me - I'm a slow learner. But NO WAY am I going to listen to their sh*t anymore. Nuh-uh.

Should I respond, or just delete and ignore? I hate my parents, and I never thought I'd say that.

Even my xh thinks that this move is sad but necessary. 75% of the people who know about it think this, which is what I think. The other 25% are either related to him, or me.

I told my other kids. They are sad yet supportive.

I weight the words of the adult children of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics far, far, more than the emotional blunt force of my parents attitude. Thank God.

But here I am, sitting at LAX, trying not to cry. I don't swear either, but WOW. I'm swearing now.

- Sylvie

wanttobehealthy

Wow- I have NO idea what to say other than.

1. Trust YOUR gut, make the decision YOU KNOW is best for you.
2. Your parents may have their own agenda (consciously or not) and it does not sound to me that they are able to be the kind of supportive parents we all wish we had (I don't have this either and I have stopped looking to my mother for support or healthy perspective bc I know when I look for either from her I walk away twice as upset as I was when I approached her).
3. If it were me I'd send a succinct email or voicemail saying "this IS what I am doing, I do not want to discuss it and it is not something I am looking for your opinion about" (or maybe phrase it differently- I am finding myself heated for you just reading this!)

I wish I could say this is just unreal and crazy (which it is) but I've had similar remarks from my mom and dad over the years re: AH and I stopped trying to make sense of it a while ago.

What I know is this. Anything I don't want my mother's unhealthy perspective on I just don't talk to her about. Maybe not a mature approach, but when she doesn't know about something going on in my life that I know she'll have some crazy remarks about then I don't have to listen to her say things that are insane.

suki44883

Sadly, people can be toxic to us even if they are part of our family. You have to do whatever is right for you. You do not need their blessing or even their understanding. So far as the email goes, I wouldn't respond. If you feel you need to distance yourself from them, then start now. You're going to be just fine.

Buffalo66

They are expressing their anxiety about you making a change.

You really have to step back and think of it as them projecting their fear of stepping away from codependency. Projecting their own fears about walking away from something that is harmful. Step back and think that.

And then smile softly to yourslef, at the idea that you have outgrown them, and forge onward!

atalose

All great advise above, it's your life - your decision. What comes to mind is:

WHEN WE KNOW BETTER WE DO BETTER

Your parents are doing what they know....

((hugs))

BobbyJ

I lost my in-laws, brother/sister in-laws...And we are not even divorced yet.

At first I was mad & very sad, but then I learned I cant be mad at them.

I feel sad for them, that they have not taken the time to learn what
alcoholism is and they are major enablers to my husband...
They say he just drinks too much, but he is not an alcoholic..

They have no clue of what alcoholism is all about...
All they have ever seen is the guy who sits at the kitchen counter
and has a nice pretty glass filled with whiskey and topped off with ice.

And the same applies with most of our friends.

And it applied to me when I first met him, I also thought is was just a cocktail..
15 Years later....My eyes are open and my life is un-manageable...

Dont be mad at your parents, they are just not educated in alcoholism.

Do what is right for you...

Alone22

Only you know what is best for you. They are not walking in your shoes and I guess in their "loving" way are trying to give you some unwanted parenting advise. I really don't have any additional advise for you as the others did a great job.

My dad is also an A and so is his wife and I know they think I am crazy to believe my H is an A. They just see me as a overly worried, overly controlling wife. I should just kick back, party on and stop being so uptight. My dad recently was trying to give me advise on my marriage. He had been drinking for 7+ hours at that point and was very drunk. He thought it would be a great idea for me to get drunk one night with my AH... but then mid sentence stopped what he was saying. Either he forgot what he was going to say since he was so drunk or somewhere inside knew what he was saying was NOT the answer I was looking for. It is just not something he will ever understand and it could be that your parents are not knowledgeable enough to see what you are going through.

As far as responding to your parents? For me it would depend on if they normally supportive and if yes then I would tell them you need their support on this and if they simply can't then to understand you don't want their advise.

StarCat

I don't tell my parents most of the significant things that happen in my life.
I'll tell them promotions, and things like that, and they go and brag to all the neighbors.
I'll even give them one of my business cards, so that they can say it properly, because they like that.

But that's where it ends, because I cannot trust them to support me in anything.

I know things like breakups or divorces are things you can't hide forever, but I'll confess I didn't tell my parents I broke up with XABF for about three months, and when I did, I just downplayed it. "Yes, well, he became an alcoholic, and I tried for a little bit to help him, but it got to much so I'm on my own now. I'm fine, I have the help I need, and I don't want to talk about it, just thought you should know." That's the approach that works for them. (They never liked him, never met him, but decided they didn't like him because of the age difference. You're at the other end of the spectrum, I know.)
Unfortunately, now they're trying to dictate where I should go on summer vacation (with them - no thanks - gag me with a spoon), and asking all sorts of nosy questions about my friends that I won't answer (Is she married? Is she divorced? Does she have any kids? Where did she go to school? What does she do for a living? Does she have a job? Where does she live? Does she have any pets?). My mother should start a business giving background checks, she seems to enjoy it.

I have taken to ignoring any correspondence from them that doesn't require an answer, and if something does require an answer, sticking to the meat of the answer and not elaborating.
I will throw them a bone occasionally, tell them what I did for the weekend if I feel it's neutral enough, and certainly tell them little tidbits they could use to brag about, just enough so they can still check off the box that they're involved in my life...
But anything more than that, I just can't take it, because they'll dictate my entire life to me if I let them.

Sylvie66

God, thank you!! I know my post sounded freaked out and bitchy (and unlike who I want to be) ... but holy cow.

I deleted the message, and I deleted the phone message that started with "This is your mother. I'm concerned about you...." .

ABF used to say 'consider the source' - and definitely my mom has been a font of arbitrary weird emotional disconnect my whole life. I didn't expect support, I expected bland perplexity. I have no intention of speaking to either of my parents for the next 3 months. I'll email my sister though.

Thank you for words to use if I decide to, and for reminding me that my parents feel my decisions reflect on them directly. I slept, I ate, I'm back at work, and the sun is shining.

I think we'll be back to the new normal within a couple of weeks. At least at MY house.

- Sylvie

coffeedrinker

sylvie,

until someone comes into an understanding, they just can't understand.

good for you to recognize that this is whacked thinking, and to not expose yourself to it.
you don't have to hate them, for not getting it, but you can. we have to discern who the right supporters are for our team, and who are wrong.

hang in there. set boundaries.

TakingCharge999

Thanks for this thread. Recently I also have lots of anger against my parents.

I feel my own need and know most of my time I am either alone, or with the furry pets I love, or with people that GET IT (SR and a few IRL) and that really love me... who talk in a way and treat me in a way that shows true caring.

Its very sad when its family but they are not evil they just don't get it...



Thanks for sharing and I hope you (we) feel better soon. I like the concept of "spiritual family" and am resorting to them for comfort. Mostly to HP.

SoloMio

I agree with coffeedrinker--I, too, have been amazed that people just don't get it. I mentioned in another post how my AH just was out-of-control drunk when we went to visit my brother/SIL. My brother is from a long line of alcoholics, and has lived it. But, he told me that I'm not a good "governor" of AH and when I told him that AH needs to stop drinking he said, "or, cut back." ???????

So, trust that your parents are speaking out of ignorance. But, even so...

I have kids ranging from 25-32. They've all had ups and downs with their relationships, but the only time I would give my opinion is if I felt that their BF/GF was NOT good for them. I wouldn't consider adding to the pain of a break-up by trying to push a relationship that pleased ME.

If I were you, I'd say something like, "Mom/Dad, I know how much you love me and I appreciate that so much. You've raised a girl (me) who wants the best for herself, so please trust that I have no question that what I'm doing is the best thing for me. Thanks so much for your concern."

Something like that. Then let it go.

TakingCharge999

I also "handled" a non-supporter answering this to a comment I found hurtful/stupid:

"Oh"



Magic!!

Thanks, Bernadette.

Cyranoak

Time to set a boundary with your parents. It may be hard. Do it anyway. "Mom, Dad, your advice to me bout my relationships is not welcome. In the future please keep it to yourself. If you don't, I"m going to have to consider and implement ways to manage your refusal to honor that request."

Good luck,

Cyranoak

Ladybug0130

They also don't really know what goes on in your house! Everyone in my family is SHOCKED I am leaving my AH because he seems like the nicest guy. I bet your parents don't have any idea what you are dealing with. No one but you can know what this relationship is like. Sorry they aren't more supportive.

ukiah77

My AH's parents know their son is an alcoholic, they've known for years but chose to ignore it and bury their heads in the sand. They used to provide alcohol to him and his friends when they were teenagers. I have been reaching out to them for support when things got really bad at home. I found the courage to be open and honest when I told my father in law about some scary situations that happened when AH was drunk, and how I was concerned that it was starting to effect our children. I thought he was going to be understanding because he has witnessed a lot of this behavior with his own eyes for many years now. He looked at me and said, "Well, I'm not going to judge my son based on hear say from you, I'm not sure what to believe...." Is he serious? Is he implying that I could be lying or making this stuff up? The holes in the walls and broken door hinges should be proof enough wouldn't you think? My father in law has also made comments in the past like, "I saw him last night and he didn't seem that drunk to me...." Drunk is drunk, either you are or you're not. That night my AH was wasted, yes he was still walking and talking, but he was agressive and irrational and was on a rampage over nothing. I am hurt and disappointed with my in-laws reaction to me reaching out for their support in helping their son. They almost make it sound like I'm making a bigger deal than it is. But they don't live under my roof. They have no idea. It's too bad that when I tell them, they basically act like they don't believe me. It's sad. Really sad.

fourmaggie

YEP YEP and a triple YEP

the 3A's:
Awareness
Acceptance
Action

now you are totally aware of your surroundings...good for you! keep on doing what your doing and feeling that GUT...

remember: it works if you WORK your program....

Tuffgirl

I've set a boundary for myself...no discussing my personal life with anyone who doesn't have experience with addictions/alcoholism. This means I only talk about my issues and feelings here on SR, in Al-Anon, with other RA's, my Mom (who is a retired Substance Abuse counselor but hey, still biased so I have to take her advice with that perspective in mind) and my counselor. The RAH also agreed to do the same (no idea if he sticks to that but hey, appreciate the sentiment).

When I get unsolicited advice from people who have not experienced what I have, I thank them kindly and leave it. So easy for "normies" to jump to conclusions.

That said - I believe your folks just want what they think is best for you, even if its not what you think is best for you. We parents tend to get narrow minded about our kids and forget they are entitled to make their own decisions. I am guilty of that myself. And I have to work on it everyday with my kids!

wanttobehealthy

We must have the same husband and inlaws! Of course they're not going to face the facts (unless they are in recovery themselves). I realized not long ago that my mil and her whole family (while they don't see it this way) really are willing to see their son ruin his life or even die in order to keep the "family system" (of denial and enabling) in tact. For a long time I took their accusations and lack of concern for their son personally and thought if I fixed me I could change how they saw me and treated me. I finally realized it has nothing at all to do with me. I could be Mother Theresa and if I were and tried to tell them their son was an A, I'd still likely get the same reaction that I, being very un-Mother Theresa-like, get.

Your heart is in the right place... you care about your H, want his family to be concerned and help him get help etc... But his family has a vested interest in the system staying as it is. Sad but true.

Put on your life preserver and head to shore and let them do what they will. I'm just now figuring this out. For a long long time I've been (metaphorically) bobbing up and down, treading in dangerous waters, risking my life and coming close to drowning and continued to stay in that same spot trying to convince those around me about something they don't want to see. Now I'm worrying about me, my kids and that's it.

ukiah77

My AH is currently in "recovery" which consists of taking the moderation approach. Things are better than they were but still feels like he's walking a tight rope, and I feel like I'm just sitting by waiting for him to fall off again. I know that might sound like I'm being the stereotypical codependent spouse, obsessing on the "what if's." But that's the way I feel right now. As far as his family is concerned, they say they support me bla bla bla, but I think they are just saying that so I won't take off with their grandchildren. My family lives in a different state. Both my FIL and MIL still act like I'm exaggerating the situation and that AH's drinking was never really as bad as I claim. Both of them had alcoholic parents, FIL's dad died from it. So they are never going to admit or face the fact that their son is following in those footsteps. It's sad, they claim to love him but their actions say otherwise. Their motto is ignore it and it'll go away. I have since stopped seeking their support and advice. I am doing what I need to do to keep myself and our children safe. For now, that is sticking to the boundaries I've set and taking care of myself and the children. I will not let unsupportive people make me doubt myself or my decisions!